So, I can't speak to why he's being that way, or what drives him, because I don't know him outside of the context of your post. But, from what I gather from your post, he comes across as being manipulative and subtly degrading you.
I've met men like this in my life and was raised by one, unfortunately. The comments you described were very similar to things my step-Dad used to say to my Mom. In my adult years, I saw this happen to my sister-in-law (wife's sister), and it began early on in her relationship. The first time I met this guy, I did not like him because he didn't treat her with respect and did many of the same things you're describing.
He would get upset with her for going to the gym and losing weight, because men started hitting on her, but then would make fun of her or call her names for being fat.
Fast forward 20 years (been with my wife for 23) and just up and left. Left her with 3 children, left for someone younger, skinnier, etc. According to my SiL, he had sex with her that night, then started pulling stuff from the closet and he left her. Without warning.
After he left, he'd show up to her house, demanding to know where she had been, who she was with, etc.
What he did was psychologically manipulate her into feeling worthless, ugly, and inadequate. Some men do this to prevent their women from believing that another man could want them, etc. Years of this broke her down. It starts off rather innocently but over time breaks women down into shells of their former selves.
I'm not telling you this story to say that "your boyfriend is this same guy!" but I'm telling you this because I've watched men do this to women and what you described is stuff I have personally witnessed those men do.
Your partner shouldn't make you feel that way. It's not healthy, it's not right, and you should not put up with it nor should you stay in a position where you are made to feel that way. Ever.
That said, not all is lost here. In order for you to get through to him, you will have to be straight, up-front, and blunt to him about how he makes you feel. If he tries being dismissive of your feelings, that should be a massive red flag for you. You are allowed to feel and he should respect your feelings, whether he believes he's doing it intentionally or not.
You can do it over dinner, or when laying in bed, etc. To keep from putting him on the defensive, be humble about your approach. Try the "I've been thinking about something you said the other day. It really hurt my feelings and I tried to express this but felt like my feelings weren't important, but it's really bothering me and I wanted to talk about it."
Try not to use the word 'you' when speaking to him. When you use the word 'you', it'll come off like an attack and the conversation may sour before it begins.
You should not have to deal with being degraded because there are plenty of men that will pedestal you. My wife is on my pedestal, and what she hears from me is that she is the sexiest woman TO ME. She may not be the sexiest woman on the planet to everyone, but to me, there is no one as beautiful as her, even in our older age.
That said, if she wears an outfit and asks me to tell her how it looks, I'm totally honest with her because I want her to know that she can always ask me how she looks and I'll tell her the truth, but even then, I comment on the OUTFIT on her, not her IN the outfit.
That kind of relationship exists and you deserve that kind of relationship. Please know that going into whatever conversation you will have with him.
Be open, honest, and express to him how it makes you feel without attacking him. He may not be picking up on the cues that you are hurt by it -- we can be stupid at times and not read into certain things. So, give him the opportunity to explain or understand, then go from there.
I truly hope this helps and I hope you get this fixed soon.
BP
Most Helpful Opinions
Sounds like you're all he can drag TBH. Not trying to diss you, don't even know what you look like and will assume you're the hottest chick on earth. Now to be honest a little more I'm catching a hint of a dude trying to put a girl's ego in a sub level shelf so that he has some control.
Here is the honest facts if it were me... I start wanting big boobs when my girl has small boobs, then I want small boobs when my new girl has big boobs. Currently just trying to be happy with what I have instead of going for more and different. But because I know myself, the only times I've put a woman down (unless she a fat hog beast land whale looking thing) is because she is flirting a little too much with random dudes and I need to subjugate her into not cheating on me just because she can... and any she basically can, just walk into a bar and say you're open for business and spread the legs, it's that easy for a female. He's aware of what I just said... try to imagine that fear of being him... and you know it too... could easily find plenty of dicks if you wanted to hoe out and that's even if you're 7 feet tall 400 lbs. Facts. Dudes out there are thirsty as shit. I'm getting long winded here and feel like I should STFU... sorry. I Stop now.
This isn't healthy. Someone who who falls in love with the way someone looks will leave you if something happens - you lose your beauty and leave you for someone who they think is more attractive. You're young and you don't have to put up with it. You will be traumatized if you stay longer in this relationship, he will always compare you, belittle you and manipulate you. This is toxic and you need to get out of this right now as this will only get worse.
I can't even fathom my boyfriend treating me like this... this "man" has no respect for you. Have some respect for yourself and break up with that baggage.
What Girls & Guys Said
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16Opinion
- u
You can spend time complaining about this guy but the first question is: Do you think this guy is The One for you? If not, why are you still with him?
I will make his question to you: do you want to feel this way the rest of your life?
You have two answers: yes and no.
Now how you pick to solve it is all your responsibility.
Have you communicated how this whole rating thing makes you feel?
I would never enter the whole rating things it's against my values to use ratings with my partners. I know some people might be more aesthetically pleasing to me in terms of body shapes, but it's not my whole goal in the relationship. To be honest to me a good equilibrium of looks, personality and compatible values is what's important. Connection, having someone to help each other, to enjoy some time with, to have sex, to create a family with, etc.
At person that adds positively to my life, not someone that makes me feel low. For that I can be single, since single I am by myself and I am responsible of how I feel by what I tell to myself. Someone that has the attitude to take care of herself as well as others. Something I also do. That's my take.His actions toward other girls is immature. Your actions are based on insecurity. If you want to destroy a relationship, accuse, blame, criticize, assume and tell him what he should or shouldn't do. None of those actions will ever give you a positive result. If you don't like how you look, commit to doing what is necessary to give you the body you want. If you don't want to do the work, find someone who is attracted to you as you are. If you don't feel good about yourself, you'll just end up denying or minimizing any compliments given to you by others, so don't fish for compliments.
Get out of that relationship nowwww. That dude is fucked up and incredibly toxic. You should not be with anyone that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Yes, a guy is going to find other girls attractive from time to time but under no circumstances throw it in your face or use it to put you down. This dude needs his ass beat badly
This guy obviously has no respect for you, and is bruising your self-esteem. It is time to tell him you consistently feel disrespected, and that you need to move on. Off the record, A 19 yr old dating a 23 yr old is too much of my stretch imho. You can do better by finding somebody closer to your own age. I wouldn't go beyond 20.
It's not childish. You're just insecure about your looks, like many people.
It's not unusual for some young men to be rather blunt but he's undermining you and may be playing on your insecurities. Perhaps it's a control game or perhaps he's just a bit ignorant.
I imagine you'll excuse his behaviour and say you love him but sometimes you need more than love to feel happy. Decide for yourself what he brings to your life versus how insecure he's making you.Why are you even with this jerk? Bail, and let him enjoy his cosplay fantasy girls.
Expecting to be the prettiest girl/guy to your SO is a fools errand.
A 7 is high above average. I don't even think I'm a seven, specially nowdays as I definitely "hit the wall".Yes. Also, you cannot NAG someone into being attracted to you, in fact nagging is incredibly unattractive.
Why is he even looking at pictures of other girls when he already has a girlfriend?
He's a dumbass.Girl you deserve a better guy. Someone that will make you feel like the prettiest girl walking the earth. You owe it to yourself to get out of that toxic relationship
Where are you can't find you to know if u r attractve you may be mean and its high time that he knows it
why is it SOOOOO cliche that an older man, went after a younger woman
My mom is older than my dadtldr i just don't really give a shit about all the whining and egoboost looking
- u
No things happen you have to air out your problems
kind of you are a woman make yourself attractive
Yes you are
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