Am I immature for accusing my boyfriend of not being attracted to me?

[Anonymous]

For some context me (19F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for around 10 months. He always talks about girls he find attractive. Usually it’s random Instagram women in cosplay. They’re usually skinny with a big butt. He says he has no type but all the women he likes look the same except me. For the majority of our relationship he made little to no effort to make me feel good about myself. I would barely get any compliments and no matter how sexy the outfit was he wouldn’t rate it above a 4. Recently for no reason at all he decided to rate me and told me I was a 7. At first I didn’t really react to it but today I brought it up and said it was kinda messed up to say. He got really mad at me and called me immature and that he obviously thinks I’m pretty and that I’m just being greedy. He found a picture of a girl he thought was an 8 on Instagram and sent it to me saying “do you honestly think you’re prettier than her”. And he talked about how cute her hair was and how fit she was and her outfit all to describe why she got a higher rating. So I said “ you would find me more attractive if my body was different”. He said no and acted like I was being irrational but I honestly feel like I’m not really what he wants and that if he could get those girls he would be with them instead of me. I know I don’t have the best body and that I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, but that doesn’t make it okay for him to give his unsolicited opinion about my looks. I hate my body and he knows that it bothers me but still decided to say all this anyways. am I being childish for being upset? How do I make him understand how I’m feeling?

[BigPunny]

So, I can't speak to why he's being that way, or what drives him, because I don't know him outside of the context of your post. But, from what I gather from your post, he comes across as being manipulative and subtly degrading you.

I've met men like this in my life and was raised by one, unfortunately. The comments you described were very similar to things my step-Dad used to say to my Mom. In my adult years, I saw this happen to my sister-in-law (wife's sister), and it began early on in her relationship. The first time I met this guy, I did not like him because he didn't treat her with respect and did many of the same things you're describing.

He would get upset with her for going to the gym and losing weight, because men started hitting on her, but then would make fun of her or call her names for being fat.

Fast forward 20 years (been with my wife for 23) and just up and left. Left her with 3 children, left for someone younger, skinnier, etc. According to my SiL, he had sex with her that night, then started pulling stuff from the closet and he left her. Without warning.

After he left, he'd show up to her house, demanding to know where she had been, who she was with, etc.

What he did was psychologically manipulate her into feeling worthless, ugly, and inadequate. Some men do this to prevent their women from believing that another man could want them, etc. Years of this broke her down. It starts off rather innocently but over time breaks women down into shells of their former selves.

I'm not telling you this story to say that "your boyfriend is this same guy!" but I'm telling you this because I've watched men do this to women and what you described is stuff I have personally witnessed those men do.

Your partner shouldn't make you feel that way. It's not healthy, it's not right, and you should not put up with it nor should you stay in a position where you are made to feel that way. Ever.

That said, not all is lost here. In order for you to get through to him, you will have to be straight, up-front, and blunt to him about how he makes you feel. If he tries being dismissive of your feelings, that should be a massive red flag for you. You are allowed to feel and he should respect your feelings, whether he believes he's doing it intentionally or not.

You can do it over dinner, or when laying in bed, etc. To keep from putting him on the defensive, be humble about your approach. Try the "I've been thinking about something you said the other day. It really hurt my feelings and I tried to express this but felt like my feelings weren't important, but it's really bothering me and I wanted to talk about it."

Try not to use the word 'you' when speaking to him. When you use the word 'you', it'll come off like an attack and the conversation may sour before it begins.

You should not have to deal with being degraded because there are plenty of men that will pedestal you. My wife is on my pedestal, and what she hears from me is that she is the sexiest woman TO ME. She may not be the sexiest woman on the planet to everyone, but to me, there is no one as beautiful as her, even in our older age.

That said, if she wears an outfit and asks me to tell her how it looks, I'm totally honest with her because I want her to know that she can always ask me how she looks and I'll tell her the truth, but even then, I comment on the OUTFIT on her, not her IN the outfit.

That kind of relationship exists and you deserve that kind of relationship. Please know that going into whatever conversation you will have with him.

Be open, honest, and express to him how it makes you feel without attacking him. He may not be picking up on the cues that you are hurt by it -- we can be stupid at times and not read into certain things. So, give him the opportunity to explain or understand, then go from there.

I truly hope this helps and I hope you get this fixed soon.
BP

[D_Bone_Steak]

Sounds like you're all he can drag TBH. Not trying to diss you, don't even know what you look like and will assume you're the hottest chick on earth. Now to be honest a little more I'm catching a hint of a dude trying to put a girl's ego in a sub level shelf so that he has some control.

Here is the honest facts if it were me... I start wanting big boobs when my girl has small boobs, then I want small boobs when my new girl has big boobs. Currently just trying to be happy with what I have instead of going for more and different. But because I know myself, the only times I've put a woman down (unless she a fat hog beast land whale looking thing) is because she is flirting a little too much with random dudes and I need to subjugate her into not cheating on me just because she can... and any she basically can, just walk into a bar and say you're open for business and spread the legs, it's that easy for a female. He's aware of what I just said... try to imagine that fear of being him... and you know it too... could easily find plenty of dicks if you wanted to hoe out and that's even if you're 7 feet tall 400 lbs. Facts. Dudes out there are thirsty as shit. I'm getting long winded here and feel like I should STFU... sorry. I Stop now.

[Siren777]

This isn't healthy. Someone who who falls in love with the way someone looks will leave you if something happens - you lose your beauty and leave you for someone who they think is more attractive. You're young and you don't have to put up with it. You will be traumatized if you stay longer in this relationship, he will always compare you, belittle you and manipulate you. This is toxic and you need to get out of this right now as this will only get worse.

[lanadelrey25]

I can't even fathom my boyfriend treating me like this... this "man" has no respect for you. Have some respect for yourself and break up with that baggage.

[OlderAndWiser]

You can spend time complaining about this guy but the first question is: Do you think this guy is The One for you? If not, why are you still with him?

[Anonymous]

I will make his question to you: do you want to feel this way the rest of your life?
You have two answers: yes and no.
Now how you pick to solve it is all your responsibility.
Have you communicated how this whole rating thing makes you feel?
I would never enter the whole rating things it's against my values to use ratings with my partners. I know some people might be more aesthetically pleasing to me in terms of body shapes, but it's not my whole goal in the relationship. To be honest to me a good equilibrium of looks, personality and compatible values is what's important. Connection, having someone to help each other, to enjoy some time with, to have sex, to create a family with, etc.
At person that adds positively to my life, not someone that makes me feel low. For that I can be single, since single I am by myself and I am responsible of how I feel by what I tell to myself. Someone that has the attitude to take care of herself as well as others. Something I also do. That's my take.

[caring__1]

His actions toward other girls is immature. Your actions are based on insecurity. If you want to destroy a relationship, accuse, blame, criticize, assume and tell him what he should or shouldn't do. None of those actions will ever give you a positive result. If you don't like how you look, commit to doing what is necessary to give you the body you want. If you don't want to do the work, find someone who is attracted to you as you are. If you don't feel good about yourself, you'll just end up denying or minimizing any compliments given to you by others, so don't fish for compliments.

[Asker]

So if I want him to find me attractive I need to give him the body he wants. He doesn’t even try to compliment me ever. All the compliments I get are from other men telling me how pretty I am. I do feel like I’m insecure about certain things and I’m working on that but does that absolve him from the responsibility as my partner not egg on those insecurities. Who looks at their girlfriend with big boobs and says I don’t like big boobs? He does. Is that not him playing a part in the insecurity?

[caring__1]

I won't legitimize his actions, but you have no control over him. Never expect others to change for you. You'll only end up frustrated and disappointed.

Thinking everyone you're attracted to should be attracted to you makes no sense. Will you become a lesbian just because a girl tells you she is attracted to you? Rather than treat people as lumps of clay to be molded by you, find people who are already what you'd like to see in a partner. This isn't about what he should do, but about your choices. The only one you'll ever be in control of is yourself. Don't assume everyone needs you, so you have no time to take care of yourself. As flight attendants state prior to take-off, take care of yourself before you take care of others.

[devn9810]

Get out of that relationship nowwww. That dude is fucked up and incredibly toxic. You should not be with anyone that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Yes, a guy is going to find other girls attractive from time to time but under no circumstances throw it in your face or use it to put you down. This dude needs his ass beat badly

[Interstate]

This guy obviously has no respect for you, and is bruising your self-esteem. It is time to tell him you consistently feel disrespected, and that you need to move on. Off the record, A 19 yr old dating a 23 yr old is too much of my stretch imho. You can do better by finding somebody closer to your own age. I wouldn't go beyond 20.

[Anonymous]

It's not childish. You're just insecure about your looks, like many people.
It's not unusual for some young men to be rather blunt but he's undermining you and may be playing on your insecurities. Perhaps it's a control game or perhaps he's just a bit ignorant.
I imagine you'll excuse his behaviour and say you love him but sometimes you need more than love to feel happy. Decide for yourself what he brings to your life versus how insecure he's making you.

[MTC29]

Why are you even with this jerk? Bail, and let him enjoy his cosplay fantasy girls.

[soe11]

My honest and sincere to you get the guy who is mature at least 30 years old, who can appreciate and dignify you.

[anylolone]

Expecting to be the prettiest girl/guy to your SO is a fools errand.
A 7 is high above average. I don't even think I'm a seven, specially nowdays as I definitely "hit the wall".

[KrakenAttackin]

Yes. Also, you cannot NAG someone into being attracted to you, in fact nagging is incredibly unattractive.

[Asker]

How am I nagging him? He doesn’t need to be attracted to me. But he also doesn’t need to be with someone he’s not attracted to. Why go out of his way to tell his own girlfriend she’s not that attractive when she didn’t even ask?

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... Sounds like he is done with you... completely.

[Anonymous]

Girl you deserve a better guy. Someone that will make you feel like the prettiest girl walking the earth. You owe it to yourself to get out of that toxic relationship

[Jamie05rhs]

Why is he even looking at pictures of other girls when he already has a girlfriend?
He's a dumbass.

[he-takes-a-part]

Where are you can't find you to know if u r attractve you may be mean and its high time that he knows it

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

why is it SOOOOO cliche that an older man, went after a younger woman

My mom is older than my dad

[Anonymous]

tldr i just don't really give a shit about all the whining and egoboost looking

[Iron_Man]

No things happen you have to air out your problems

[Asker]

Air them out how? I feel like whenever I try to approach stuff like this he just says I’m insecure and that’s my problem to deal with on my own

[Iron_Man]

MoveOn

[Anonymous]

kind of you are a woman make yourself attractive

[Asker]

So because he doesn’t like me the way I am I should just change. I think I’m attractive and put effort into my appearance but he still goes out of his was to compare me to other women. Is that really my problem?

[Opinion Owner]

No ita not if you are you then it is his fault

[In_Trance]

Yes you are

[Asker]

Can you explain why?

[In_Trance]

The reason you don't understand why he would like you, is because you don't like yourself.

[Asker]

for the most part I do think I’m pretty. But why would any man just decide to tell his girlfriend that another girl is prettier than her. Whenever I say it’s weird for him to say that to me he says he doesn’t date pretty girls so it doesn’t matter. Is that not him calling me ugly? Looks aren’t everything but I don’t think it’s a stretch to want to feel like your boyfriend is attracted to you

[In_Trance]

I agree. This is inexperience on hus part. Also a lack of empathy.
I wouldn't be concerned with whatever else he looks at; we all look. Fine to look at what you haven't got. That doesn't devalue you. His words are more detrimental than his actions.
you're right for telling him how it makes you feel. He needs to understand that... again lack of empathy.

[Asker]

I don’t ever tell him not to call girls pretty. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. We show each other people and call them attractive all the time. So why does he throw me being insecure in my face every time I say sometimes the things he says make me feel unattractive? I don’t ever tell him to not follow girls or get mad at him for simply saying another girl is pretty. But when he sends me a girl just to say that she’s prettier than me... that seems kinda fucked up

[In_Trance]

Yes, it is kinda fucked up... again his lack of empathy prevents him from understanding how his actions make you feel.
At the same time, you expressing (even here) that he looks at girls that don't look like you is jealousy. Im not saying you're in the wrong, I am however saying things like this are best avoided. As time progresses, both of you will harbor resentment for how the other's actions and words made you feel.

[Asker]

Well what’s your advice for me then. I’m not sure what to do cause he refuses to take any responsibility for his words hurting my feelings. I don’t have to be the most beautiful girl in the world to him but it would be nice if he took time to appreciate my looks. I’ve never had a man say anything but great things about my looks or body before so it just feels so weird. Am I just supposed to accept the fact that he doesn’t find me that pretty and move on? obviously other things go into a relationship, looks aren’t everything. But how does anyone take not being attractive to their partner well?

[In_Trance]

It really comes down to this;
You accept it for what it is and continue on, or you don't and you part ways.
There is no wrong decision here.
My only advice is, ignoring red flags could cost you. On the other hand, that's the price you pay to learn a lesson