Is it normal for a boyfriend to not act like a gentleman towards his girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend wants to be in charge of everything and be the alpha of the relationship. Not just the relationship, but he's the manager at his job and acts like that too. Before we dated he was nice and was super polite. I don't know what happened but it disappeared two weeks after meeting him.

I can be bossy and act a little independent at times but it's to protect myself from being a doormat to him. He is paranoid that I'm cheating on him or flirting with other guys but he does nothing to show why I should even still be interested in him in the first place. We don't spend that much time together, doesn't give me attention but gets mad when other guys give me attention. He also expects me to do everything for him and give him attention.

What I noticed about him the most is that he rarely helps me out with anything. The only time he wants to help if he sees someone else wanting to help me. I will (and have) ask men for help but MOSTLY another man will see me and help... and my boyfriend sees them helping me, he either gets mad at me for not asking him or joins in to help me at the last minute. One time maybe a few months ago, I was doing something, and he told me if i needed any help to ask him but after he said that he disappeared.

My boyfriend is a gentlemen, just not to me. I've seen him help an elderly woman cross the street, hold doors for other women, walk other women to their car (female friends and not just at nights), lift something for another woman without them asking! Instead of helping me, he will PURPOSELY disappear and find a distraction or help someone else including strangers. I can’t ask for even the simplest of things such as moving a chair or hanging something on the wall without him debating if he should do it. He would help another man before helping me.

[Anonymous]

OK, it's possible he is just an asshole, but I don't know that without more information.

However, the first thing that comes to mind for me is something I have experienced myself with multiple women. He clearly knows how to be a gentleman and treat a woman well, but two weeks into your relationship with him something changed. The question is what, and why?

You have made it clear that you want him to be a gentleman and want him to help you and do things for you, which is what most men naturally want to do and how they show their love for a woman. Men are programmed to be that way, but only if they feel they are appreciated and valued for it.

You also said you are bossy and act independent to protect yourself. Are you putting off the stereotypical "I'm a strong independent women and I don't need a man" vibe while at the same time expecting him to be a gentleman and do things for you when you need help? And then you take the help of other men after giving your man the message that you don't need HIS help. Of course he is going to have issues with that. I would, as would most any other man who knows his worth. That's my suspicion here, and I can tell you that is all very off putting to men. If you want him to help you and be a gentleman, then drop the strong independent woman BS and show you appreciate it instead of giving him the message you don't need him to do things for you, and then let other men do those things for you.

I will also add that women can be very unrealistic when it comes to "alpha" men. I'm not a fan of that term, but I'll use it here to keep things simple. Most women are attracted to men with alpha characteristics. They like men who are strong, dominant and confident with leadership qualities. But then when in a relationship with those guys they expect them to not be strong and dominant and be the leaders they naturally are. How do you think that is going to work out? Typically not good. If you want an alpha man, let him be one or he will not be happy, and neither will you.

[rjroy3]

So he's a manager, a known to be time consuming job that dominates more time than other jobs. He spends so much of his time doing this that it carries over into his life and you haven't brought it up to him to resolve the matter.

So now a precedent of behavior is set. You rarely if ever ask him to do things because a few times you did he questioned if it needed to be done at all (which might be true). Again manager hat.

He thinks you're flirting with other men because you probably are whether consciously or not. Especially since you're to the point of voicing dissatisfaction with your relationship. Probably talked to other guys about this already.

You've downplayed your attitude and also shifted blame to that your attitude is actually his fault, because you need to "protect yourself" from the big mean man.

Seems pretty cut and dry. You're dating a busy dude. You want him to volunteer his time on your behalf rather than just talking to him you want him to be a mind reader.

He's rightfully bothered when you're asking other dudes for shit which I'm sure in asking you're softening them for the yes by flirting. And in his insecurity with the state of your relationship, because he feels the shift just like you do he thinks you might be cheating.

And it was all avoidable. Might be slightly domineering. That much is actually believable. But you fluffed your story too much. Any time someone gives the long list of wrongdoing and the only responsibility you can provide to the situation is that you did something AND it's his fault... you're either lying or too God damn arrogant to take any responsibility for the state of your relationship.

Respectfully. Sounds like you still need to grow up

[tatianamay]

I’ve never had a boyfriend before (I’m 16, the age is wrong here) but it seems like he wants to control you. Maybe he was in a toxic relationship before (he acted like a nice guy and the girl cheated on him or left him for another domineering man, so he didn’t want that to happen with you? Or his friends must’ve fed him with bullshit that girls like dominating men? I’m not really sure. There are numerous possibilities. I’d advice you to talk with him. Why do people never communicate with each other these days? Tell him how you feel. My mum has always told me that communication is everything. Please please talk to him. Ask him why he changed. If after he’s still like this, I’m sorry but it’s not gonna work out between you both. You’d have to break up with him because sometimes people like these get abusive.

[yofuknutz]

Now that's the elephant in the room spot-on analysis.

[MzAsh]

This is probably the worst type of guy, aside from violent abusers and sexual predators. Mentally and emotionally, this is the worst. You know why? Because he only cares about #1: himself.
He doesn’t give two shits about you.
Sure, he “cares” when you get attention from other guys. But that is still about him, not you.
If he’s not the center of your universe, he doesn’t like it.
It makes him seethe with pure jealousy.
Vagina envy is what a lot of these alpha male dudes suffer from, really.
This guy is not your boyfriend.
He’s a leech using you for his own narcissistic needs.
No, it’s not normal and if you don’t either get away from him or put him in his place immediately, he’ll ruin your life.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

"he does nothing to show why I should even still be interested in him in the first place."

If you don't have any good reason to stay with him, then don't stay with him. There's no shortage of good men out there, but if quality women purposely stay with assholes (despite acknowledging the warning signs) then everybody loses.

Cut the deadweight, if the thought of breaking up brings any sense of relief at all, you'll most likely feel much better afterwards. Life's too short to waste on ungrateful, selfish assholes.

[DaisyAimi]

I used to have this problem and im not sure if he is like that too but I used to not help and be mean towards the people most close and dear to me. And i used to be very sweet and polite to the people not close to me.
After a while i realized this awful habit and changed it, maybe you should talk to him about his behavior.
I hope he will take it and work on it, he should work on it in my opinion.
If he really loves you he would think about what you said and analyze his behavior. Trying to change.

[hahahmm]

It might be normal in today's world but you don't have to settle for it. Better to have a high quality boyfriend than an average one.

If you want a confident/leader type guy (the good version) I think you should leave this guy because the right guy would treat you better without having to be told. More like he would have a good sense of what's right/wrong and live by it. You don't have to train him.

If you insist.. you can try training the guy by telling him he needs to respect you as much or MORE than any other woman and what's he's been doing isn't acceptable. Tell him you will leave him if he acts like a jerk again. Then when he does it again, you leave. Don't bluff. Just move on. Odds are he won't pass this test tho.

[ohshee]

Well I think your boyfriend and you are going to last very long you have to understand it doesn't matter if he's a manager of Taco Bell that's stupid you don't manage people and you don't manage your girlfriend you are the team you work together and if you see that your girlfriend needs help you help her before she even raises her head to ask you. I don't mean to talk bad about your boyfriend but I think he's a control freak and I think you would be better off without him you sound like you have a beautiful beautiful hearts and you care

[Fireguy17]

If the relationship started out good, and has steadily gone down hill in my opinion it won't get any better.
Not saying he will, but in many cases it can end up with him being abusive toward you.
There are many forms of an abusive relationship.
The two biggest ones are physical and mental abuse.
No one needs to be nor deserves to be in an abusive relationship.
I think it is time to cut your losses and move on.
You can't fix him or change him, only he can do that if and when he wants to change.

[hydralicride]

Some of this can be cultural and a reflection of his father's opinion of women. How did his father treat his mother? Insecurity usually drives control We all learn from our environment. Having worked in a medical examiner's office for thirty years I can tell you that it may esculate into physical abuse. If you keep making excuses for his behavior and accept it as 'normal' You are going to be buying a lot of make-up to cover the bruises. I can't tell you how many women end up on the autopsy table because they kept saying "He loves me' "This is my fault, I should not have made him mad". "He won't do it again". And this is not only a Male thing. Females can be control freaks and have violent tendancies too. That is one reason for long engagements. Give it time to surface.

[rounddablock]

He assumes that you a part of you is secretly attracted to controlling assholes and sadly he might be right. He’s a “challenge” and that’s turning you on (at least initially)

Many women mistake deeply controlling behavior by men as masculine energy. It’s not and actually the exact opposite: very deep insecurity.

Anyway I don’t know how long you have been dating him. But this paranoia about you cheated on him can backfire. When I’ve had women act ballistically paranoid over me cheating it was literally reverse psychology and actually make we really want to do it (even though I wasn’t.).

I would confront him over this. Watch very carefully how he reacts. If he dismisses you or worse tries to gaslight you it time to have an exit strategy.

[ColoradoKid]

He is the typical alpha prick. He always shows a false appearance when others are around. He is a total ass in private. I should know.. my stepdad is one and so is my brother in law. All of that being said. I am male and have been raised around this. I always do the exact opposite of what they do. Not because I don't want to be an asshole. I do it because it's right. I treat everyone the way I want to be treated. I am sorry that he is like that. Too many guys have the good women out there and I am single. Kinda makes me want to be the asshole. But I can't do it.

[yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo]

It's not normal at all. He sounds like he has some conflictions in his life...


If you feel he is predatorial in his sense of being controlling, in which he wants to control everything you do? That's kind of toxic.

Some people just have bad life experiences and worry a lot, so knowing where you go and trying to keep you on a straight path is understandable, that's a form of love, but he shouldn't have to have first and last say in everything that you do.

[BlackBeauty90]

No it's NOT normal. With decent men that is. Decent men wouldn't act like assholes with their girlfriends or partners.

But there are plenty of trash men who have no issues being assholes, and often blame women for looking for better men, around. And it sounds like you ended up with one such loser. Dump him as nobody deserves to feel devalued like you are.

[pjf1958]

When you first started seeing him, he obviously was a different person or you would have avoided him like the plague. When did you start noticing a change? Was there some sort of catalyst; maybe a family interaction that triggered this irrational behavior.

[AnggieGirl]

VindictiveGirl run! It will get worse. He will get possessive and Vindictive. It’s good you’re independent- it sucks when guys try to us down from our independence, never let go of yourself.
I always take my hard hat off after work never bring my behaviour home. It’s not right. You got this girl! 💪

[DailyConfusion]

Yes absolutely. Especially girls these days are so picky and narcissist that guys have given up about being nice and have stopped being a gentleman. Because every time we be a gentleman we get, cheated on, picked on, tricked, feel worthless and really unappreciated. That’s why guys have stopped being a gentleman.

[Interstate]

If he behaves this irrationally towards only you, and feels he has to be dominant to you, you need to tell him that it stops or the relationship does. I have seen this scenario in vice versa. There is no call for it, and frankly it is just downright disrespectful. But hopefully once you speak up to him, it will convert from Scut Farcus to Ralphie Parker, to Switzerland. But it is important for you to stand your ground and say, "Enough!!". Then move on with life.

[Lynx122]

I think he's just immature and sees it as weakness to be kind to you, he's afraid of being taken advantage of but he doesn't want other guys to be nice to you either of course because he wants to be your boyfriend. The whole internet is ful of bad advice to guys and he probably bought into it. Thre could be other reasons of course maybe he just doesn't want to put effort in anymore but that's what your story made me think of.

[VVerônica]

No it's not normal, and if you say that he can be a gentleman but he's not treating you well, then probably he already wants to break up with you but doesn't have the courage to do so and then he treats you badly so you break up with him.
In my opinion, I would break up with him, but you can talk to him and tell him that you don't like what he is doing and it bothers you and makes you sad, and tell him that he has to change

[StunningANDbrave]

"I can be bossy and act a little independent at times but it's to protect myself from being a doormat to him. He is paranoid that I'm cheating on him or flirting with other guys but he does nothing to show why I should even still be interested in him in the first place."
Translation: I frequently act like a bitch and am not used to a man telling me no.
If you want this dude to be a gentleman than be a lady. If that doesn't work then leave.

[TruthBringer]

Nailed it!

[BlackBeauty90]

Go fuck a dog it's the only thing that loves you.

[StunningANDbrave]

@BlackBeauty90 low iq post

[TruthBringer]

@stunningandbrave Ignore that snowflake "blackbeauty". She is one of those who thinks anyone who disagrees with her has something against her or women. She sent me a rage DM right before blocking me simply because I happen not to agree with one of her comments lmfao

[StunningANDbrave]

@TruthBringer lol what a crybaby

[Andres77]

He sounds like a real douche.
Once disrespect arrives in a relationship it's downhill.
And he's on his best behavior to get you but now that you're his possession he doesn't have to care for you anymore.
You're his property.
I'd get out, kiddo.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this a bit. My boyfriend tries to act helpful by asking me I’m the middle of my task or near the end if I need help or he’s just not around when he should know that I’m taking care of dinner or cleaning. I grew up being told that I shouldn’t have to be told to perform a task. Just do it. My boyfriend did not grow up that way. He went to boarding school, had nannies, maids and a mom thag loves to cook and baby him. Sometimes the way people act says a lot about their upbringing and what discipline or experience was missing during that time. Maybe delve into his past and think about why he has these notions in his head about not helping his SO and helping strangers instead.

[Anonymous]

I have a different perspective here. Some people act nice and polite in front of strangers but show their real selves to their loved ones. I'm like that with my family. I'm extremely polite and borderline doormat with strangers/acquaintances. But with my family, I'm an absolute jerk. And I admit that myself. One reasoning to why i act like that is because the home is my only outlet where I can be the real me. I hardly help out at home, saying I'm busy with my work/office presentations. But I know that this is not excusible behaviour. I just keep waiting for the day when my family calls me out for this. Till then, people like me won't mend our waves.

So the solution is: just call him out. He's probably feeling guilty for treating you this way but he's gotten into a habit where he doesn't have to be fake nice with you.