Does she really want to be alone or does she just need space?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me last week it was a total surprise to me because we got along great. We shared many interests and hobbies, and never had a fight.
She told me she’s not happy with the path her life is on now and also not happy with the hour and a half between us but I made most of the effort to see each other because she had fewer days off than me and it was easier for me than her to travel so we got together a couple times per month.
I know there is no one else in the picture, she has a hard time making friends and is very socially awkward which is something I noticed the entire relationship. She had difficulty being affectionate and it was almost awkward when we would hug or kiss like she didn’t really want her bubble invaded.

She has no friends that live anywhere near her Even her parents told me to give her space and let her figure out what she wants. She told a mutual friend (her only friend) that she did not get cold feet and just wants to be alone. But her parents told me not to give up on her yet and thanked me for being patient with her. It’s worth noting she is almost 30 and never had a boyfriend before me.
I have not spoken to her in 4 days and she unfriended me on FB immediately following the break up.
I just don’t believe she wants to be alone forever.
What should I do to convince her not to throw away what we have?

Updates

+1 y

I should add there was no bad behavior in this break up no yelling, a couple tears from her but nothing really bad it was pretty clean because I know not to show much emotion during this time.
I just calmly told her I didn’t want to to end things told her I could make the necessary changes and to think about it she then let me kiss her good bye.

[BCA6010]

Let her go. It sucks, I've been in pretty much exactly those shoes, and chances are whatever she's really going through, she doesn't want you in it, for whatever reason.

Don't try to contact her. Don't go over to her place and stalk her. Give her some time, maybe she will reach out when/if she's ready. If she doesn't, you can attempt to check in on her, but give it AT MINIMUM a few weeks. In fact, you should wait until you're at the point where you could just as easily ask someone else out on dates in pursuit of a potential long term relationship.

IF y'all do try to make it work again, you've got to do something about the distance. 1.5hrs is barely manageable, and it sounds like it's mostly you going out of your way to see her, and even then twice a month is really not good... That's practically leaving a door open and the light on for some more readily available guy to insert himself. For all you know, that's exactly what happened, and that's why she removed you from her social media.

[Asker]

No I’m certain it’s not the case that someone else is looking around no other guy would want to date her because she shows such little interest in guys. Even I gave up trying to talk to her after the first week of meeting her because she never texted and would not make plans with me but our mutual friend told me to keep trying, I told her she doesn’t even try to talk to me so no. Well the next day she texted me asking how I am so I have her another chance.
Also I can still see her FB profile and she literally has 0 likes or reactions from other men it’s all women most of whom are older than her like her parents friends or relatives. She literally has no social life. It’s something I noticed the entire time I was with her.

[coachTanthony]

She told me she’s not happy with the path her life is on now. -------------That statement is all you need to know. I decipher that as her path doesn't include you. Most likely in my experience she has been thinking about this for a while. All you can do is give her time. If you don't hear from her then you don't. Why try and convince someone to stay when they don't see the value of the relationship the same way you do. Never try and convince people how they feel.

"The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want the most."
~Coach T Anthony @thedatecoach IG

[Asker]

Thank you, I didn’t try to convince her to stay I was mature about the break up told her I think she’s making a mistake but that I will respect her decision. She also said that she did not want to move to where I’m at and wanted to remain where she is and live there for her life.
I told her that would be fine with me to move if someday we try again but that I can’t promise I’ll be willing to later because I’m going to explore my options. (Even though I won’t)
She told me that I had every right to do that. I then kissed her good bye.

[coachTanthony]

Most women expect to be married after 2years. Most men know after 6 months if this person is for them. So how long should she wait until you make up your mind to move to her city and get engaged? Sounds like to me the only way to know is moving to her but after 2 years you still haven't that tells her a lot. Obviously I don't know the entire story just by my experiences.

[Asker]

Your right for the most part I did know after 6 months but she at one point early in the relationship mentioned a guy she went out with for a week but she broke it off with him because he proposed after the first week. She mentioned in the same convo that she would want to wait 5 years before marriage comes up which I thought was a little extreme. I told her during the break up talk that I planned on proposing in 2 years which would have made 4 years.

[coachTanthony]

Sounds like two people on different paths. Good luck man hope it works out either way whether you are with her or not. Me personally I think you dodged a bullet and should move on.

[MzAsh]

If she’s almost 30, she needs to experience life more and socialize. You’re beginning to see the consequences of a person who lacks this. Trust me that you don’t want to be the center of her universe or her only boyfriend in life. She’ll go through a mid life crisis and you’d be the casualty.

[Asker]

I agree that was a bit of a red flag but she's just so reserved and closed off. Her parents told me she has trouble making friends which I could see because she really only has one.
I just tried being patient and not push her to do anything she wasn’t comfortable with but she told the mutual friend that she just wants to be alone.
She has no attention from other men I know this is a fact because I’ve been burned by an unfaithful woman before I know the signs and she never has guys likeing her selfies and is very busy with work. Plus she’s so closed off that no guy would show interest in her for long before they decided it wasn’t worth it. I guy other than me I guess.

[Tututwerl09]

Just give her space and live your life. Go out and have fun. Dont sleep around. Low key wait for her but look like you're having a blast... she'll be back

[Asker]

Thank you I’m not the sleep around type and she is a virgin so I know there won’t be that problem on her end she just said she’s too busy and stressed with work and just wants her alone time when she’s free.

[Tututwerl09]

Hmm. I've seen questions like yours before and never took the time to read the outcomes but I hope she's not done with you. You both sound like a great catch

[Asker]

Thank you she is I just wish she was more emotionally available.

[have_a_good_day]

I feel that she fell in the same trap I did.
She grew comfortable with being alone.
It probably drains her energy to be around people now and then her overthinking just adds extra pressure and stress on herself.

I understand that people say give her space.. Because that's what she wants.. But she doesn't want distance.
It's a shame you live far away from her because I'll tell you what, deep down I wish that a person I've had feelings for would just come visit unannounced but not pummel me with crappy questions and wanting to do stuff.
Just come to me and sit with me in silence and watch tv. Just for an hour or two. Then leave. Do it daily.
I love the stability of pattern.
Maybe that's her vibe too.
Who knows.

[Asker]

Yeah the distance was one reason or excuse to end it she said she never wanted to leave her home because she likes her job and she knew I didn’t want to leave mine which is true I don’t but I would have for her if we were to have a future. I’m not tied down by a job I travel for work and can live anywhere.

[have_a_good_day]

is she aware of this? or does she feel guilty that you think someday you'd have to give up something of yours just for her?
During the relationship, have you told her that you don't think she's boring at all? or did you try to make her get out her comfort zone by doing outdoorsy stuff?

She should just be careful about wanting to live like this because depression creeps up quietly and the hole goes deep

[Asker]

I did tell her this and asked her to think about it just before kissing her good bye.
Yeah we did out door stuff I got her on the back of my motorcycle with some encouragement and we went shopping a lot.
I never said she wasn't boring but I always was excited to see her so she knew I loved spending time with her.
I agree I think she’s making a big mistake and I can’t believe she just wants to be alone. I know she’s not lying either cause she literally has no other male attention despite being moderately attractive she isn’t drop dead gorgeous or anything but she is still pretty which I reminded her of a lot.

[Asker]

I told her i hadn’t planned on leaving my home town but that it was something we could have talked about if she was dead set on keeping her job and it wouldn’t cost me mine to leave so I said makes sense for me to go to her only an house and half from my family not that bad I wouldn’t mind. I let her know all of this and she just said she’ll think about it but that was just a blow off I think.

[have_a_good_day]

Hmm.
I see you 👍

I don't feel like someone was at fault here. It seems like something just flipped in her mind and she decided she's cutting off cold.
I feel like this is the worrying situation at hand here.
It's not healthy for her to want to be like this. Heck, I don't want to be like this but here I am 🤷‍♀️
Seems to me like at least there's still a way to help her get out of this situation.
It would probably be hard and your efforts would most probably be in vain.. but who knows.. Try to visit her one more time..
It kinda seems like she needs it bro

[Asker]

I wish I could but I don’t think that would be a good idea I think she would be angry if I bother her. I did ask her a couple days after break up if we could be friends she said yes but doesn’t want to be FB friends so I know that was just a nice way of saying “leave me alone.”

[exitseven]

There is an expression about something like if you love something set it free. She sounds like she is goitay in touch going through something and needs to work it out on her own. Try and stay in touch with her every few weeks and see how it goes. Don't be surprised if it doesn't go your way however.

[Asker]

That’s what I figured I would do just check in with her once a month or so maybe try to see her as friends after a couple months go by.

[Anonymous]

Assuming that she's into you (maybe she isn't).
Do you think she could be high functioning autistic? It's not obvious, they can appear cold and indifferent, and although they do like company, they ironically find it intolerable for the most part. More so than introverts :-). It might be why her parents appreciate your efforts.

[Asker]

I suppose it’s possible that does describe her I know she values friendships but has hardly any. Her mom and dad told me she’s pushed away other guys that have perused her but always right away and because I was patient with her is why we lasted a while.

[Opinion Owner]

Well I would suggest don't push her or assert yourself on her. Let her know you're there if she wants you, and via text or IM would be perfect. She may not respond quickly so let it go. Play it cool, be a friend.
If she is undiagnosed autistic, and I can't possibly know, she's probably been trying hard to fit in for years and years and at 30 is utterly exhausted. May be a long term thing.

[Asker]

Thanks I texted a couple days after last seeing her asking if we could be friend and she said she was fine with that but it was a useless gesture because we won’t speak or see each other again unless she decides to reach out after some time has passed.

[OurManFlint]

She may not be dating but there's a satellite guy somewhere hovering around who she hopes will signal her in.

It may hurt for a while but you have to push away from that girl or you will regret it. Never allow yourself to forget she ended it with you brotha because she may decide to change her mind and if you go back then you'll really be finished! Do what you need to do to move on and don't ever allow her to come back siphoning your energy.

[Anonymous]

after abut 6 mos the excitement wears off. At least she broke up with you instead of waiting till she landed the next one. Most women will make sure the replacement is hired before firing, even if the replacement is just a stop gap

[Asker]

She may sound arrogant but there will be no one else for her not because she can't get a boyfriend she certainly can but she won’t she just doesn’t seem interested in being with anyone she’s happy with cat and streaming services for her free time.

[Asker]

I* may sound arrogant. Please excuse the typo.

[Browneye57]

The vag-tingles are gone dood, and they ain't NEVER coming back. This is WOMAN on full unabashed display. It is ALWAYS and ALL about the FEELZ. Which are subject to change at any given moment.

Find a new girl. This one's a dud.

[rounddablock]

I’m sorry man. Give her space. Make her miss you.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago but I fucked it up. Still regret it to this day.

[ArrowheadSW]

Sounds like she is more of a "to herself" type of person and she just felt the need to move on.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s what I’m wondering but I just don’t understand it she values any other kind of relationship very close with her family and loves her friends (the 1 or 2 she has) very much. I just thought I would be valued the same way by now.

[Anonymous]

Did your relationship include sex? Did she trust you enough for that? And did she enjoy it or did she do it as a duty to you?

[Asker]

No it did not include hardly any physical intimacy, she is a virgin I asked if I could kiss her after 6 months and she said yes we we did kiss but not very often and they were always very short kisses with no passion.
No cuddling very little hugging that was always initiated by me. She just was not very comfortable with that kind of thing it seemed but it did improve over time but at a very slow pace.

[Opinion Owner]

After two years, you were still at the stage of just kissing but even that made her feel uncomfortable. Where do you think this would go if you stayed together? Maybe hand holding and slightly passionate kisses in another two years? This sounds VERY bleak! Dude, she just doesn't want a relationship!

[Asker]

Well she is a good church going girl so I knew from the beginning sex was off the table until marriage which was fine with me because I agreed. I’ve had one sexual relationship before and regret it so it was actually kinda nice not having that be an issue yet.
She did say a few times she wanted children someday so it wouldn’t have been a problem after marrying her is what I believed.

[Opinion Owner]

Do you want her to be the role model for your future daughters? Do you want them to grow up to be just like their mom?

[Asker]

Yes and no I’ve never met a girl who wasn’t a slut and partied and smoked or did drugs Or had kids from multiple men I had given up on finding a girl at my age that didn’t have that and then there she was and we had all the same interests. I really thought she just needed a good guy with good intentions to bring her out of her she’ll and she’d make a wonderful wife and mother.

[Opinion Owner]

Doesn't sound like it worked out that way. It's a big disappointment, I'm sure!

[Asker]

Her mom and dad really like me and told me to give her space and not to write her off yet.
I’m going to reach out after a month or so and ask to see her as friends. She doesn’t have a social life without me so I’m sure she’ll be willing to do that.

[Opinion Owner]

Good luck but keep your expectations in check.

[spartan55]

Dude, do you really want what you described for the rest of your life? Come on.

[tallcuck]

Lust phase was over, she needs a new toy to destroy. Be happy ahe is gone. I know it is hard to believe. But trust me... You can do better. Leavers aren't keepers. Be glad you didn't have kids...

[KrakenAttackin]

Dude... she is and has been fucking some other guy. Move on.

[he-takes-a-part]

family issues
or she has explored or read or realised something that has radicalised her

[Anonymous]

So she was like 27 or 28 when she got her first boyfriend?

[Asker]

Yeah we Mamet when she was 27.
She also mentioned a crush from school 10 years ago that she never told him how she felt and thinks she’s not over him but she’s had no communication with since.

[Opinion Owner]

I've always found it a little more shocking to hear of a woman being single that long compared to a guy since women typically always have guys hitting on them or just don't have to do the pursuing like guys are

[Asker]

Yeah I thought that was a red flag but she is so reserved and doesn’t show much affection I’m certain plenty of guys have shown interest in her but didn’t receive much back so they lost interest.

[Nachowedgie]

Sounds like she's been cheating and didn't want to tell you so she dumped you

[Anonymous]

she never liked you to begin with
look into MGTOW