My wife cheated, I forgave. And now I have no idea what to do?

[Anonymous]

My wife had a five month long affair with my best friend. I caught her and forgave her, she still hasn't forgiven herself. We moved our four kids and ourselves across the country to get away from every thing that reminded her of the affair. Moved to the town our longtime mutual female friend live. She used to live with us in the three year me and my wife dated, and through the first year of our marriage. Now they talk about a polygamous family. I stay quiet because normally my wife is extremely jealous and has accused me of having affairs the entire time we have been together. I'm so confused. I love my wife probably more then i should and i love our friend like a second wife, but have never entertained ideas about her. My wife has now just accused me of wanting to sleep with our friend and i am struggling to see why.

[hahahmm]

I read some of your replies to other posters also. Look, cheaters are selfish and they lie. This means you can't believe everything she said about the situation. It's likely she cheated with the guy more than she admits to. There's no upside to the cheater to tell you more than you discovered on your own. Also, of course she's going to claim he made her and that she had some noble reason like saving your life. She's not going to say, "I'm just addicted to sex and you don't turn me on anymore" or "He makes a lot more money than you and his raw desire for me turned me on." or "We were in bed laughing about how he can order you to work long hours so I can be his whore more often."

I have seen women who had very low body counts and the most innocent/nunnish characteristics switch to cheating and being hooked on that. You never know. The reason she's accusing you of cheating -- like others said -- is because she's projecting her own behavior onto you. Oh, and she's likely to cheat again unless there's some massive change in your behavior that makes her think it's not worth cheating. You forgiving her quickly & not calling her on her BS isn't a way to get her to stop cheating. It just says she got away with it. The other thing is that her lack of respect/trust for you is a symptom of her not thinking you're a good leader. Checkout my MyTake on leadership sometime. It's not a long article.

Odds are that she's addicted to cheating. That's not something that goes away just because you move to another state. The problem is in her character. Not in the place you live or the guy she cheated with. See, if someone is loyal they will reject anybody coming onto them. She's not loyal. Or her loyalty is suspect.

What I would do is stop going overboard making life all about her being comfy and feeling "loved". I'd tell her straight up that her story about the cheating is BS. Something like, "I forgave you but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot. I KNOW you were satisfying your own lust and enjoying what you did. He didn't make you do anything." And then something like, "If you ever betray me in any way again we're done. That doesn't mean just cheating. It means anything." There has to be serious consequences for BS. Not giving her a hug and a glass of milk. A lot of guys would have dumped her on day one. I'd make that clear to her to and that she better knock off the BS accusing me of being disloyal since she's the only cheater in the family.

[hahahmm]

Also, start double checking everything she says, as much as you can. Why? To establish whether she's still lying or not. Cheaters lie a lot. If she's really out of that phase she won't be lying about anything important. If she says she's going to the store. I'd avoid letting her now I'm checking tho. Yeah, it sucks to be paranoid but you'd be a fool not to be paranoid right now.

[Qdbrown]

Wake up. Women don't cheat. They check out options. Some women will nurse their obiters and if they see a better opportunity, they will leave.

The situation tells me you compromised too quickly and became a good husband. You became boring and others seemed more interesting. She was checking them out. Sometimes they do that to network to others, who might seem like the bigger better deal. Women don't have recreational sex. They might act like it, but women who have been around the block a few times use sex like a handshake. She is out on the prowl. They do this before the divorce you.

Why she messed with your friend, who knows? She is not a quality woman. If she will do it once, she will do it again. She will literally cuck you to no end. And that's why she is accusing you of cheating. Pure projection. It eats at her conscious.

If I was you, start looking for a way out of that relationship. It will not be cheaper to keep her. It's better to be the one that imitates it, and has it planned out, and broadsides her, than it be you. Especially if there is money, assets and kids. Find a good hooked up attorney, and I would recommend a woman attorney with a reputation. A bitchy mean woman attorney can dominate a woman in court. I have seen then literally remove custody from a good mom.

[Qdbrown]

Ps, don't be her friend, don't try to have a friendly divorce. She is trying to get you sex her friend so she can justify divorcing you. If the friend goes for it, do it to her and leave your soon to be Ex a Dear Jane letter.

[tatianamay]

Wtf? People in this comment section are childish! My dad cheated on my mom thrice and she still forgave him, she tells me that she lives with him only because of me and my brother. She believes that with both parents around, our lives will be a lot more easier. I cannot say you should forgive and forget because honestly, you cannot forgot this nightmare of a thing that your wife has done. But you have 4 kids, think about them.



Do not cheat on her to take revenge, I’m pretty sure you would never because you seem to love your wife a lot. You’ve mentioned that you worked for around 120 hours per week, maybe she was insecure? Or she thought you didn’t love her anymore? If she’s feeling guilty, that’s a good sign. People who feel insanely guilty about something do not repeat the same mistake that they once made. I’d recommend a week away from everyone, just you two. Try to reconnect. Give it some time. Your wife is still wounded because she knows that she made a horrible mistake. I’m so sorry, I know that you’re hurt too. It must be really hard for you and your family. Do what’s best for your family. I don’t know what’s best for your family, YOU do.


Try couples counseling, although most of the time it doesn’t really work. Some couples just need time for themselves. Where they can reconnect again. I’m pretty sure that’d help you. I’ve found that time can heal almost anything. Everything will get better, don’t worry. Good luck! ❤️

[tatianamay]

Forget*

[Lemondrop699]

If the person who was cheated on feels some type of way after the person cheated, I don't think the relationship is salvageable. Also people staying just for the sake of the children mostly doesn't work out. It can but in most cases doesn't. It's better for the parents to just break up and be apart in separate relationships so the kids won't be in a toxic environment (if there's turmoil between the parents). It's a big sacrifice to stay with a cheater.

[tatianamay]

@Lemondrop699 Well, I didn't necessarily mean it that way. If someone regrets what they did, then im sure they won't repeat the same mistake over and over again

[_bunny_]

Honestly I understand a bit of where your coming from and I suggest getting a family counselor and an individual counseling for yourself I'm leaving individual one for her it seems like you all have a lot of problems to work out and I worry for your children just don't cheat on her back it doesn't make you feel better trust me I've seen it people cheating on each other to get back at one another it never goes down law and I mean if she wants a poly marriage that's up for you guys I personally wouldn't he probably not jealous anymore because he's a cheater

[Asker]

Have never and would never she has been my world. And she is the best mother i know. But when i bring up counseling she says that if we can't talk it out ourselves, then there is no hope for the future.

[_bunny_]

It sounds like she's making excuses

[_bunny_]

She may be a good wife but she's not a good lover at least that's what it sounds like you need to give her an ultimatum of some kind or give her some kind of choices to pick from to say hey look I'm putting my foot down right here right now if you don't do this and we're going to have some issues it's not fair for me I need counseling for us we need to talk out our issues you got to put something there

[Asker]

Ill keep trying, but ultimatums usually make her dig in deeper. Thank you for your advice.

[Alyssa11]

I think there’s a lot of trust issues in your relationship. Your wife fucked up and what she did was really really bad. It’s also the cause of everything... it’s why she felt like you could also be having an affair. It’s why you’re having these thoughts and discussions about this particular female friend. And it’s why you on GAG right now asking for our opinions.


First of all you guys are married and you’ve got four children. Everyone is different and there’s no right or wrong answer but personally I think you did the right thing... marriage is a lifelong commitment and deciding to love each other and forgive is what spouses should do. HOWEVER, it needs to be reciprocated.


Honestly I don’t think we’re going to help you here. I think your issue is much deeper than that and you guys need to go to couples therapy. Otherwise your relationship will breakdown. You guys need professional help and you effort, love and patience from both sides to make things work.

[Curmudgeon]

"Now they talk about a polygamous family. I stay quiet because normally my wife is extremely jealous and has accused me of having affairs the entire time we have been together. I'm so confused. I love my wife probably more then i should and i love our friend like a second wife, but have never entertained ideas about her. My wife has now just accused me of wanting to sleep with our friend and i am struggling to see why."

Wait, this BITCH accuses YOU of having affairs when she obviously DID have one? And she and the gal pal are talking about "a polygamous family"?

Your response here should be "so what if I was? You already DID..." (*you bitch*, you might add depending upon what she does next).

[hellionthesagereborn]

Cheaters accuse others of cheating because they think that because it was easy for them to do then it must be easy for others to do. She is projecting and you two need to seek counciling if your going to make your marriage work (personally I would not have forgiven such an act). She does not get to claim you want to cheat and you need to step up and not let her dictate things to you. She fucked up not you, she betrayed you not the other way around, so she does not get the right to accuse you of cheating on her. She is again, trying to project her sins on to you so she can feel better about the very shitty thing she did. You need couples therapy and counciling. As for polygamy, why the fuck is that a topic that has come up? Why is the friend saying this? Does she not know the circumstances of why you have moved back?

[Gomezaddam51]

Once a cheater always a cheater. You cannot ever trust her again. She is accusing you of what she wants to do... There is a name for it but I cannot think of it at the moment.

If she is talking about a polygamous family but yet the wife is jealous? That sounds like a total psycho to me. How can she be in a polygamous family and you not have sex with both unless she only want to have sex with her female friend and you get stuck in the corner jerking off. Hate to say it but you should have dumped her when you caught her cheating.

[Andres77]

You might have forgiven her but she won't ever! forgive you.
Keep that polyamory thing the hell away from you. Keep that friend at a distance, don't ever even be alone with her.
You both need counseling. Her excuse is BS. Sounds like she's bitter that you made the family move after she got busted.
Don't let your guard down.
If you didn't have kids I'd have suggested dumping her immediately but it's not your kid's fault so breaking up the family is something that should be avoided.
Good luck!

[AD240pCharlie]

It's possible to rebuild a relationship after one person cheated but it's going to take a lot of effort. It's never going to be easy. It will take time. But it will only work if BOTH partners are willing to start over. Treat the relationship as a completely new one and leave the cheating in the past version of it. If the partner who got cheated on still holds a grudge against them then it's not going to work, and if the partner who cheated isn't able to forgive THEMSELVES then it's also not going to work. You need to let go of all the blame and resentment and start over from scratch.
It's possible that your wife is suggesting this to you because she still hasn't forgiven herself and subconsciously feels that allowing you to sleep with someone else will level the playing field again. It will make the relationship feel a lot more fair to her. She did that to you so you doing that to her is only right.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

It's called "projection", she's projecting onto you all the most shameful and debased views she holds of herself (based, most likely, on the fact of her infidelity, but there could be deeper psychological roots left unaddressed). She needs therapy, and GPOD therapy, not just some sympathetic marriage counsellor who will reassure her "it's all the husband's fault"

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

*good

[Qdbrown]

Damn good call.

[LoveIsFake]

First things first the only reason why she's accusing you of cheating before she did is so she can have a reason to justify what she did and not have to take any responsibility for her actions. Women will always make up fake stories and put them on their partners to save themselves. If I were in your situation personally i wouldn't stick around, once a girl cheats they will go back to it. You're probably not the first guy she's ever cheated on. Anyways she seems pretty immature to begin with. If theirs a problem in the relationship the adult thing to do would be to sit down and talk about what's going on and how y'all can improve as a couple. Clearly this girl has a mindset of a 17 year old.

[JosyJosy]

Sounds a lot like a crazy ex who had guys beat up the innocent boyfriend into a hospital cause she also accused him of cheating. And here in your situation... after cheating YOU SAY she hasn't forgiven herself but you're ALSO SAYING she's now accusing you of wanting to cheat. There little to no guilt here. I would call it quits and find me someone who knows how to be a proper partner

[Asker]

But she was like that before all of this anyway. She had several boyfriends cheat on her before me because she wouldn't sleep with them.

[Interstate]

You just said she is known to be jealous, that is why she accused you. But I would simply say to her that despite what she put your marriage through, she is in no position to be making accusations. As for the heading of your question, if you made the choice to forgive her, you are also making the choice to trust her again, and believe in her that she won't do it again.

[JSmuve]

She sounds emotionally unhinged. To accuse you of the very thing she was caught doing for 5 months reeks of a lack of self-awareness and flat out hypocrisy.

My dude, go talk a divorce lawyer on your own to see what your options are. If she's willing to cheat on you and then make unfounded accusations, she's willing to divorce you and take half of your stuff. Protect yourself and know your options. Have an exit strategy.

[MindTalker]

This answer is not scientific but hope It is correct. If someone's wife believes something she did to him wrongly, and she having regret for her act strong then she may accuse him with other females. In another way, force him to start a relationship with someone else, doing all these she balancing her own regret in another way.

A good husband or Lover should understand what in her mind is, if she likes to live with him or with her new lover.

Thank you

[pink_and_inlove]

I’m so sorry this happend to you your wife has not been a good wife to you and I know that it’s hard for you guys to split due to your feelings for her as well as your kids. You really deserved better I’m sorry :( I feel like she’s too immature to be in a relationship and that you should divorce her since she cheated but if you don’t I understand since you have four kids

[Asker]

For some reason i still feel lucky to have her still and i have been married once before with children, my first wife cheated on me and i split and took the kids. I have never been one to belive staying for the kids is the best option.

[pink_and_inlove]

Yes I agree with you

[Avicenna]

She's a cheater, so of course she thinks everyone else is a cheater. See if she'll do marriage counseling.

[Asker]

I have tried, she says that if we can't work it out without help there is no hope for our future.

[Avicenna]

You might want to talk to a divorce lawyer. It’s possible that it might not be too late to divorce her and have her at fault for the cheating.

[Avicenna]

That might affect custody

[Asker]

We have talked about it. If it goes that way she want to sign no contest and she would want to sign away her rights. She blames herself and thinks the kids would be better without her.

[Avicenna]

I am skeptical that she'd actually sign her rights away, but if she's willing to, you are much better off divorcing her since she shows no enthusiasm for you or the kids.

[hellacray]

Dump her ass. She's the one that cheated for 5 months and is accusing you of cheating or wanting to cheat. Which just makes absolutely no sense and is so hypocritical.

That woman isn't good for your health buddy. And it kinda sucks that there's 4 children involved.

But in my opinion a 5 months long affair is not something I can forgive. She made the choice to screw everything up and I would not trust a woman like that ever again.

[Lemondrop699]

It sounds like your wife has unresolved issues she needs to work out. I would suggest taking a break from one another and also therapy. Your also not obligated to stay/be with her so if you want to separate it's your choice.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you're being a fool by being a "good man". Been there, and I regret every day of it. There's no worse feeling than knowing the whole time you were doing what had to be done for your family, she was taking you for granted, talking shit behind your back, and running around on you. To hell with being a "good man". Be a man, and accept that sometimes that means being completely unreasonable and unyielding. It's called standing for something and tolerating no less.

[KrakenAttackin]

You can't ever forgive a women for cheating. The fact she cheated means she has no respect for you. If you "forgive" her for cheating, her lack of respect turns into utter contempt. You need to divorce her.

You will get fucked in the divorce even though she cheated, as the courts don't care. She is incentivised to leave with cash and prizes.

Divorce, take your ass-fucking by your ex and the courts, and don't ever get married again.

[bamesjond0069]

You are a cuck literally. Man up and take charge. She cheated so jeez use it as a crutch. You call the shots now bro. Serious. If you dont take the reigns she will cheat again. Now about the household shit. I've done it but tbh if you dont be the man and wear the pants two girls are harder to handle than one. You can't even keep one faithful good luck w two. Smh. If you man tf up its awesome and can definitely work. Good luck.

[Espresso-Grande]

Maybe your life still has urges to cheat, so being in a polygomus marriage and encouraging you to sleep with the friend will give her the greeenlight to cheat on you with other guys, and not feel guilty about it