Should age matter if both are adults?

Question

InventorofWarp · Accepted Answer

I think a lot of people are so concerned because they typically think the younger partner is still vulnerable and can be taken advantage of and preyed upon by an older and predatory partner.
And as the younger man in the scenario with older women often, I can say that this is perfectly valid and true. Yeah, they've reached maturity and are both perfectly legal adults but that doesn't mean that the younger partner can't still be groomed or hurt by an older one and damage done still. And there's still a level of naivety to the younger partner. Conversely the older partner may be completely unaware of what they're even doing just due to far different and greater experience, numbness to sex and relationship woes and indifference.
I had a brief romance once when I was 22 with a woman who was 42 and, while I'm still a virgin waiting for the right woman, it was actually my first ever sexual experience with a girl. I really thought this woman loved me and I was genuinely not understanding of what she was doing to/with me at the time. That is, I didn't even realize that, yeah she was 100% grooming me. She would buy me clothes to wear, get me to change my style or how I carried myself and talked and even had me drop some of my interests because she wanted me to be less "nerdy" and more mature and "fuckable". She was essentially trying to make me into something I wasn't and I didn't really notice it at the time. Sounds great but it really wasn't. And honestly, when we got physical I genuinely thought that it meant she loved me and we were now a thing. This woman was more into casual no-strings and wasn't really interested in genuinely deep and emotionally intimate relationships, probably due to being hurt one too many times before and her engagement falling apart, I was just the moment's "boytoy" that came and went and didn't come anywhere close to what she wanted. This was a harmful and damaging relationship.
Shortly after I met another lovely woman in her early 40s. This lady was far more kind and genuinely caring and compassionate and we're still excellent friends now at 24 and 42. I can tell she genuinely cares about me because she doesn't push or press me like the other lady did and she's definitely changed me... but it's been in constructive ways of trying to help me better myself and learn to recognize and manage my own emotions, gain a foothold on life and just in general has been far more constructive and it's one that's actually trusting and genuinely good.
The lady before never really cared about me or my emotional well-being and her pleasure came first. I'm not a child, sure, but sexuality isn't something I'm familiar with and that didn't matter to her, she cared nothing for being gentle and compassionate, she just wanted what she wanted before discarding.
The lady now is genuinely kind, caring and constantly worried about my emotional well-being and how each of her actions affects me. I'm recognized as a grown man and grown men can feel and be hurt she takes it into consideration and knows that as a young man, she's also a role model to me in a lot of ways and it only makes me look up to her and care about her even more. And I, for my part, know that I could hurt her just as badly when she's vulnerable and take my care to provide her what she needs without overstepping.

Anyone can be hurt and when there's an age disparity there's a responsibility on the part of the older partner to recognize the power they hold and not abuse it and not leave the younger partner worse off than they met them. And the younger partner needs to recognize that just because they're younger and possibly more innocent doesn't instantly absolve them of any wrongdoing or responsibility and they still need to treat the older partner with care, support and compassion and provide reassurance, more of it in my opinion since there's more on that partner's shoulders by default.
Relationships are two-way streets.
And age gaps can definitely work.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

Well, that depends on what you mean by "should it matter."

No, if both participants have reached the age of majority, are not incompetent, they are not related within the prohibited degree of cosanguinity, and one does not have a position of authority over the other (such as teacher-student,) then the relationship is "legal" and cannot result in any consequences being imposed by the government.

However, if the age difference is too great, the relationship may meet with disapproval from those around the couple, and that disapproval may be felt in various ways. Just as you are free to engage in an age-difference relationship, others are free to form opinions about such relationships and to express them to whoever will listen. I am not encouraging people to be openly judgmental, as I do not believe it is the right thing to do, but they are within their protected rights if they criticize you.

Aside from the judgment of others, for most people, age difference relationships are different and offer incentives not usually encountered in same-age relationships. For the younger person, they may appreciate the patience, wisdom, understanding, and appreciation expressed by the older partner. For the older partner, it is very flattering to have captured the attention of a younger partner, especially if the relationship includes sexual intimacy. But those advantages are not sufficient to sustain the relationship in the long term, and divergent interests, inconsistent goals, and social disapproval often lead to the break up of these relationships.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I know this post is super long. However, as a woman happily married to an amazing man 16 years younger that I (at first) almost wrote off because of the age gap I have A TON of thoughts on this post. Haha

As I said above, I'm very happily married to an incredible man 16 years younger then me and I've had two beautiful children with him. However, at the very beginning I was pretty closed off from dating him because of the age gap. I was completely convinced that dating a guy with such a big age gap would never work out and we'd have way too many problems that would be rooted in our age gap. I was very concerned that a guy so much younger would be far too immature for me, would be in too different of a place in life, may not be interested in a committed relationship, he wouldn't be interested or ready to be a stepmom to my daughter, he wouldn't be interested in having more kids (and I REALLY wanted more kids and didn't have much time to have them), I thought the age gap was just weird, and I honestly was worried about the social judgement I might get.
I don't think my concerns were invalid. There are A TON of much younger guys were the age difference would have manifested itself in one of the issues above that would have been a deal breaker. However, when I finally decided to give him a real shot and not automatically shut him down because of his age (which took a while) I found out those things don't apply to him, or at least weren't problematic. He's very compatible with me maturity wise (even more so then a lot of exes I've had that are my age or older), he was completely ready and interested in a committed relationship, he clicked with my daughter from the beginning, and he was absolutely ready to become a dad. In fact, when I accidentally got pregnant in a completely unplanned way he was over the moon with happiness when I told him (I'm not advocating for unplanned pregnancies, but in our case it did work out). Moreover, our relationship felt completely natural. The whole 'the age gap makes everything weird' thing was something completely in my head. Once I let go of the thought that when I was a junior in high school he was in dippers (which made me feel super weird) any feeling of it being "weird" completely went away. I only had two concerns that were kind of true: that we were in very different stages of life (he was a single bachelor graduate student and I was a single mom already with a career. However, I soon found out this didn't actually come with any problems) and that I'd have to deal with a fair amount of judgement as a result of the age gap. The judgement was pretty hard for me to deal with at first. However, I knew I didn't want to quit an amazing relationship just because of that. I came to realize that their judgement was often a result of their ignorance. It's their problem, not mine. Moreover, I also found that when I didn't make a big deal of it most people wouldn't either. Some still do, but I've found it's actually really fun to give my husband a long, passionate smooch right in front of them too watch. Haha (I've also found some of the judge-y women are just jealous you're with such a young sexy man. They wish that was them, but since it's not they "judge" you. Giving a long, sexy smooch in front of them is especially fun. Haha)
Interestingly, I've found there are actually a few positives about him being so much younger then me. Firstly, being younger means he has a lot less baggage and is a lot more optimistic about love and marriage. After a divorce and a string of bad relationships I'd become pretty cynical and pessimistic about love and relationships (and, from dating a lot of other guys my age, I've found guys my age or older often feel the same way). His optimism has a super positive effect on both our relationship and on me personally.

sage2021 · Accepted Answer

True story. I know this man that when he was 59 he was having relationships with two women are the same time for years. This included sex with them several times a week. The women were 80 years old. He has gerontophilia. It is opposite of pedophilia (sex with children). He is obsessed with having sex with very old women. But he didn't hide his relationships with either of them. They acted like boyfriend and girlfriend in public and in the apartment building we lived in. One of him he used for sex for over two years, then dumped her when he met someone else closer to his age, but still kept the other one until she died. He seemed like noticed was wrong when she died and he wasn't really phased about it. He just went on with his life. He does go to senior centers and that's how he meets them. He is sick in the head if you ask me.

Desconhecida · Answer

Let's be honest... it matters to society because of appearances and all. Personally, I don't judge relationships. It's my life that I should be worrying about.

TruthBringer · Answer

No.

Age here is often used as a PROXY. A proxy to what you would ask? To point to what stage someone is in life. So when people talk about age gaps, they actually are talking about the difference in what stages both parties are. A 20 year old and an 18 year old are pretty much in the same place in life while an 18 year old and a 40 year old aren't. Generally speaking of course. A 26 year old and an 18 year old may have their differences, but aren't that far from each other either. What matters is that both parties are knowing what they want and are on the same frequency in what they want.

It so happens that younger people often do not know what they truly want, and thus people think they are being manipulated. This may be the case, but is often an exaggeration. There are plenty of people, especially women in their early 20s wanting and are starting families with an older guy (in his 30s or some even in their 40s). And men would rather start families with a woman still in her prime years (because biology). You got people well into their 30s still studying and consider themselves not to be ready for such a thing. That doesn't mean the younger ones got manipulated and the other is the villan, it means that they both were seeking the same thing and found each other. This is often a shaming tactic used by butthurt older women because they have become outmatched by the pretty ones in their prime years when it comes to desirability.

So no, age doesn't matter. What truly matters is that both people know what they want, have a mutual understanding and have a mutual goal.

Anonymous · Answer

Age between adults isn't an issue, its maturity. A woman at 23 can be dead gorgeous to me. But if she can't mentally stimulate me or act with class then ill have less interest in her than a woman twice her age. I need stimulating conversations, a real outlook for the future, someone mature enough to understand the importance of loyalty. If she's a party girl just forget it. The reverse is also true. I'd go for an 18 yo classy and mature woman over the 28 year old clown still in a perpetual party phase. Alas i still haven't met an 18 year old or even a 24 year old with enough maturity for my liking. Still too focused on things that dont actually matter or contribute to our relationship. In fact I basically basically had to find a woman 10 years my senior to find someone on my mental level tbh. People today seem to be taking longer and longer to mature. Im worried soon we'll be seeing people on their 50's or 60's juat thinking about settling down soon in the next 2-3 generations. Maybe we need another war to get people to mature and grow up at a normal rate again.

AncientWisdom · Answer

No I’m a older man and a life long bachelor. I love being a bachelor. I travel a lot , and I get hit on by younger women , or flirted with , or given the eye signal by them just depending on how forward they are. You gotta figure , because of the internet many female at 20 have seen or heard it all. Your not gonna surprise them. I don’t really look for them they just kinda happen. If it’s between two consenting adults it’s actually no one else’s business. I’ve noticed one of the things that people have forgotten how to do is stay in their lane.

Nomoturtle · Answer

Yes, age matters to most people, and why "should" it not?

Age matters if you want kids. Age matters if you pursue beauty, potentially even in both directions. Age matters for numerous related disparities associated with age that many people will/won't like and pursue/avoid, and most societal condemnation of age gaps in relationships comes from this, particularly regarding experience and power, but if you want to be a doormat or otherwise can get past it, so be it.

It is your right to make up your own mind on what does and does not matter to you. Simultaneously, people aren't going to like you either. Deal with it.

This isn't a rant against normality either, what is average and normal is so usually for good reason, even when unbeknownst to its advocates.

shaysh87 · Answer

No. That is very naive, flawed thinking because age WILL matter. Imagine you are 40 married to a 60 yr old senior citizen? you're married to someone you're completely not physically attracted to, someone that can no longer have sex with, someone that cannot keep up with you in a walk in the park, someone that can no longer do things with you such as traveling, hiking, dancing. When you want to stay up late, he wants to sleep early. When you want to go out, he wants to stay home.

would you be enjoying yourself with a man that age? i don't think so.
Sure you can stay in a marriage like that because you want to take care of him and you worry about his wellbeing since you "love " him. But are you really enjoying yourself? I doubt it.

Browneye57 · Answer

Matter to WHOM exactly?
To YOU? Perhaps not.
To ME? I could care less.

Just know that a severe mis-match never really works out. More than ten years at your age and you're just at way different places in your life quest. In experience, aspirations, pretty much everything. f

For many of these, it's some fun time in the sack, then one or the other gets bored and they move on. f

An older woman will NEVER consider a young stud her equal. EVER. She'll always look down at him as less mature, which he surely is.

And a older guy? Well it's fun for a girl cuz he's got some $$ (if she has a clue) and knows how to sex her, but geez, if he gets too old he gets limp dick or she's going to have to change his diapers. Ewww...

No, you have your work cut out for you - ENOUGH even with just someone your equal. Throw in a dozen years of maturity and you have a recipe for disaster.

kitty71 · Answer

Sometimes even if they are adults age can mmater due to age difference plain and simple, as even if one is 20 and the other are45, both are adults sure but may have differences between them because of the generations they were born into, so in this case age does matter a lot. If age does not matter and even if they are adults, dont tell me that if a guy who is 19 (and adult) is dating a 50 yrd old woman (also an adult) that is fine cause they are adults? Of course that is absolutely illegal and inappropriate and both are adults still.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes. You should be close in age (3 years or less). You’re more likely to get along that way because of how you grew up and can relate to things (ie celebrities, music, what you watched on TV, social media use).

From a man’s perspective, I believe that the man should be older. I’ve dealt with older women and they tend to be too bossy and condescending because I’m not on their level. They try to control me. The only cases where I haven’t dealt with this is if they’re only a few months older.

I tried talking to an 18 year old when I was 25. I was so annoyed with her. She wanted to Snapchat all day and not talk or text. I outgrew Snap and hated sending pics all the time. When I was 24, I tried with a 32 year old who pursued me, and kind of tried to control me, but she eventually ghosted because she was too uncomfortable with the age gap.

Anonymous · Answer

It really is up to the couple. 18/19 years dating 40somethings will certainly get lots of sideway glances. Sure an age gap that great can be arguably immoral.

But whether you like it or not it’s legal. I just notice how some women want to call these older men/women “predatory” or even “pedos”.

If an 18 year can legally risk their life in the military then i think they can choose to sleep with a much older person.

I am not dating a 18 year old. But 2 years ago I did date a 20 year old for a few months (I was 34). It didn’t last long which is no surprise. But we had a blast while it did. And you can go f*ck yourself if you want to judge me for that. It’s none of your business.

089Lexi · Answer

Depends on the person. Personally can't date a guy 6+ years older than me. Just bothers me. I know it's not a lot but I went on a date with a guy 9 years older than me. I found out later how old he was. I don't know it felt weird also he was very experienced with life I felt like a little kid next to him. I prefer to date guys my age.

ohshee · Answer

I have dated a 47 year old when I was 15 1/2. 16 years old I'm my age now and I have dated an 19 year old I didn't know them by there age I new them as an equal to my age at the moment. My brain doesn't know I have to treat someone different because that's what someone else does..

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

It’s a bit more complex that just an age thing.

at a basic level no.

however you have to shove compatibility in to the mix, then realistic attraction etc.

the further apart those ages get, the less likely compatibility is going to be there.

At some point it’s going to more security, financial etc orientated.

Rei13 · Answer

I think it is less weird if the younger one is at least in their mid-twenties if they’re dating someone dramatically older than them when they get together. When they’re younger it’s weird, still not fully developed. Also if you have someone dating another the same age as, or younger than, their kid it is weird

Diodoro · Answer

We can say yes and for the most part objectively agree, but if a 45 year old guy goes after an 18 year old girl, even if she is into it. He's going to get judged

TLDR; no it shouldn't. In the eyes of society it does, but objectively their opinion doesn't matter

molonski2 · Answer

It shouldn't..
hahaha , but most certainly it does , for longevity the male must always be older ,
Otherwise , its just a matter of time..
The picture shown? hahahaha , she must have a plethora , the reasons are obvious , never kid yourself.

buttsniffer · Answer

ofcourse it doesn't matter, people who say it does are jus stupid judgmental dumb basterds who need to mind their own buisness and live their own life before cristizing others, if im happy to date a 80 yr old grandma, thats my fucking choice, dont u dare call her a pedo u dumb fuck, im not a child. look up the definition of pedo., it will say attracted to children... someone whos over 18 is not a fucking child

FinalFantasyBro · Answer

It usually more about maturity and having certain qualities and activities in common, most people in their 40s tend to not have much in common with people in their 20s but if the man and woman are willing to have their difference compromise and can try to figure out a common ground in the relationship than I say let love be love.

SenseiSeptred · Answer

The only reason that I don't suggest a good sized age difference is because one side has more experience than the other on the older side which can lead to being downright discriminatory, and the fact of what is implied by the suffix sama meaning social superior.

MsTaniaUncensored · Answer

Not really. That is what being an adult is; making your own choices. You have to live and learn by your own actions and desicions. If you date someone who is way older or younger and you don't like it then you learned something and get wiser.

BloJo · Answer

As long as both are at least twenty-one years of age, mentally functional as a legal adult, not closely related, not affiliated in a boss/subordinate or student/teacher relationship, there may be another exception or few that I am not thinking of, age is irrelevant.

RobT312 · Answer

No, but if the difference is too great you may not have enough in common or feel like you’re at a different stage in life. I know I acted way different at 20 than I do at 30

Seinna · Answer

It just has no future and people who engage it either want short term or are short sighted. Either way it will lead to nothing but pain for at least one of the parties involved, usually the woman regardless of who's older.

ManOnFire · Answer

Well, I will admit that I'm biased and feel that no man in his 40s or 50s has any business with a girl in her 20s, but if a younger man is with an older woman it's perfectly fine. That's fucked up, I know lol.

MJtheCoach · Answer

Within reason. Also depends how useful the older person looks lines.

If you’re 30 and you look like the typical Westerner like you’re 50 years old and you did a 20 year old that looks young. Doesn’t make sense.

You don’t wanna walk beside a girl that looks like it’s your daughter.

YollyM · Answer

For me age is everything. I don't believe that I'd have many things in common with someone much older than me or way too younger than me. I mean even our lifestyles would be on polar sides.
But again that's my personal take.

nachosaresexy · Answer

Not at all. H̶o̶r̶n̶y̶ ̶o̶l̶d men marrying younger women enamored by m̶o̶n̶e̶y̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶f̶a̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶f̶i̶g̶u̶r̶e̶ umm older stuff, is a well established tradition at this point that we should all appreciate.

Anonymous · Answer

Ages invariably influence the dynamic of relationships... I was in a triad as the unicorn with one of my best friends and her husband. Despite being best friends, and in a relationship of sorts (was complicated and non-conventional) she was and still is very much a mother figure and our dynamic was more of a dirty mother-daughter kind of thing than one of equals... I believe this will always be the case if there is too much of an age shift.

menina · Answer

Yes it should even if you're both adults. For instance I'm 29 and I wouldn't date a 57 year old man. We would have nothing in common and we are in different stages of life.

taylorallen · Answer

Don't be 60 when they're 30 and try for kids. You're only going to end up having the younger one raising the child while the older one is in a casket... or making their way there.

Ninani · Answer

No, but maturity level should still match regardless of physical age.

Avicenna · Answer

The only people who it should matter to is the two people themselves. They’re adults, so it‘s up to them to decide whether it’s a problem and whether they’re compatible

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Yes. Even at 25 you can easily be manipulated by someone who is 45. You also gotta think if a man in his 40s is going for women in their 20s, why? What do women his own age not like about him?

sensible27 · Answer

If you are actually compatible, and actually like each other.. maybe no

TheorionMage · Answer

'WHY' is it ANYBODY else's business?  NO harm / NO foul~ And whom self-appointed themself to define 'adult'?  Religiously-imposed dogma, perhaps?

DaveJord · Answer

Well depend on how young your talking... 50 year old banging a 30 year old... not a bid deal. But take issue with 26 year olds banging 18 year olds even if they are both adults.

DizzyDesii · Answer

It may matter to the individuals. Fck what society thinks as long as its legal. It matters to me because i prefer someone the same age or no more than a 3 year gap

slatyb · Answer

If no you adults you mean say over 21? Mostly not. But 20-something men hitting on 18-year-olds are bad news.

Aurora1010 · Answer

It really doesn't matter if they are both mature adults

Flower7 · Answer

Yes because if the age difference is too big, they might not have very much in common.

deano1990 · Answer

If I had a daughter and she was 19 but in a relationship with a 64 year old man I'd be a bit unhappy about it lol 🤣 but I suppose it would be her choice!

As for me well I'm 31 and I wouldn't date anyone under 25.

TheAfrikan · Answer

Where the true love is and blossoms daily nothing like age can kill that vine, so true love age does not matter.

Anonymous · Answer

Not at all! Age is just a number always remember that! I've had plenty of relationships with a lot of young young girls, and I never had issues except for they didn't last too long, but hey forget about it it's all good.

jshm2 · Answer

Yes.  Adults do not have an immunity to gold-digging, catfishing, grooming, coercion and more manipulation tactics by nefarious individuals.

mark000h · Answer

No. Age is just a number. As long as they care for each other, it's cool.

Waldoe · Answer

no... adults are free to do whatever makes them happy... no on can choose for you

Luopio27 · Answer

As long as neither one is playing with anyones feelings or mistreating the other in any way.

RebeccaBI2000 · Answer

I don’t think so. Most guys my age I cannot stand, because of maturity levels.

standardguy · Answer

If both are 18 then the society should not interfere into their relationship. But everybody has personal preferences. And its good to respect the preferences of the others but the own preferences too! Dont feel ashamed what others may say or think!

male_guy_the_dude · Answer

If you consider 18 as an adult and you pushing, 35 im sorry you Dating a child... I honestly think from 24 upwards age starts to become less relevant 😆

Mikeysoda · Answer

Yes, both parties need to know that they can handle the challenges that come with the age gap.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

Preference is a personal matter. It's legal so, whatever, to each their own.

hahahmm · Answer

It matters for a lot of reasons.. but it matters less if both people are over 30.

Gwenhwyfar · Answer

It shouldn’t but everyone has their own age preferences and that’s fine too

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

Nope. Age is just a number. Everyone has their thing.

Katrinaismyname56 · Answer

Nope it doesn’t my friend is 20 is with a 38 year old man

jobego · Answer

nah but a huge difference can get weird at some point lol

rastapharrell · Answer

No im 26 and i slept with a 60 year old Italian lady. We didn't see nothing wrong and being together felt good

Jintendo18 · Answer

For relationship longevity, ideally both partners should be no more than 5 years apart.

AkshiJanjua · Answer

Everybody has a different preference as I like same age partner, some people like older younger relationships

Should age matter if both are adults?

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Should age matter if both are adults?

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