Boyfriend wants me to apologise for his mom’s wrongdoings and says it’s the only thing that’ll save the relationship. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are very serious and our families have met many times, we were thinking about getting engaged this year. We both live in our family homes with our respective parents so have to cope with our families’ views a lot. He has a nuclear family when 3 sisters and I’m an only child of a single mum.

Since September, his mum has been (nicely) giving unsolicited advice about her son’s ha it’s and how I should accept him, be less sensitive and not tell my mum bad things about him and his family when they do something wrong. She’s been giving me examples of how great her eldest daughter is too. It’s caused me to resent him over time and I feel like she’s undermining me whilst putting him & his family on a pedestal. I didn’t tell him because I was scared to, and felt that I might be over reacting.

One weekend I stayed at their house and listened to these comments repeatedly, and just broke. Ended up telling my mum everything and there’s been tension between the families ever since.

He’s convinced I’m to blame. I stirred things. I caused drama. I disrespected his mum by telling mine.

He wants me to apologise to his mum, he doesn’t care who’s in the room “my sisters live here I can’t kick them out” and is convinced that’s the only way I can fix the relationship.

I just want to be protected, I don’t think he’s safeguarding me and says all his female friends would apologise in this situation. I don’t think I did anything wrong. I’ve given her the benefit of the doubt, I’ve tolerated things for ages, I was naturally going to tell my mum as I live in the same house. I don’t think I’ve caused problems to the extent he’s made me feel I have. I wouldn’t mind apologising (even tho this wasn’t my doing) but I don’t like the fact he’s okay with having an audience.

I feel like he doesn’t respect me or want to protect me. He also defends his mum and compares her to mine. I don’t know what to do :(

Updates

+1 y

my mum can be a handful, she is a bit negative, so I get their view. I just think the solution isn’t to advise me to simply “not tell your mum, she’s too negative” - a reasonable solution in my opinion would be to not cause problems to start with or tell your son he has some growing up to do.

It feels like they’re manipulating me. By calling me sensitive they’ll break down my boundaries. Also a public apology feels humiliating and sets the bar really low.

Updates

+1 y

I think a public apology with “whoever wants to be in the room” means that in the long run, his three sisters know that their brother won’t defend me. It makes me scared that after marriage I’ll have to constantly apologise to his mum and sisters for things that they do wrong but I’ll suffer for.

I’m really scared. I just wanted to be respected and protected. Not humiliated for other people’s actions.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Um, no.

That is ridiculous that he is forbidding you from having an outlet to talk to, especially your own mother. If your relationship is that delicate to him to where he is willing to throw it away on that, then maybe it's for the best you do end things.

Is he going to be that attached to his mom's feelings and unable to stand up for himself or his relationship?

[Asker]

That’s what I’m so concerned about. He’s bad-mouthed both me and my mum to defend his mum’s honour. He’s not really acknowledged the damage she’s done, doesn’t agree that his mum’s unsolicited advice has caused pain and resentment. And thinks “I’ve told her to never do it again and she’s promised she won’t” will suffice.

I’m scared of continuing because today he’s protecting his mum at my expense, 6 months down the line he’ll defend his three sisters. I just see a never ending void where I’m at the bottom of the hierarchy and will have to apologise for everything and anything.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Even beyond that its going to continue into marriage. She will be giving advice on how to raise your kids and he won't stand up to it despite them being your children too. I've literally seen this with my own mom.

[Asker]

You’re so right, I don’t see the interference ever stopping especially if he’s this easily influenced and spineless. Thank you for commenting and helping me out!

[Ez-Bri-Z]

You are very welcome. I hope whichever path you choose works out well for you. Good luck.

[jamesgoldman]

You want an abusive marridge because that's what you heading into

I'd turn, get out, run and don't ever look back

[Asker]

Thank you for replying. Is there anything in particular that makes you say that (sorry I’m just trying to educate myself here)

I feel like you, my friends and family are right.

Everyone’s saying I’ll get isolated from the people that want the best for me, and I’ll spend the rest of my life being controlled by him, his mum and sisters…

[jamesgoldman]

You've got everything I was going to say in the last paragraph of the response

[whosnumber1]

Pack your shit. if he won't at least acknowledge your feelings then fucken see-ya. pack your shit and drop the mic.

[Asker]

He’s acknowledged them BUT justifies his mum’s actions, hurled abuse at my mum + used her as a scapegoat. Most importantly when I’ve told him about my feelings he’s called me delusional and said “you just believe whatever story comes into your head, you never want to be told you’re wrong, you only care about yourself” oh and he’s also implied I’m thinking these things because I’m mentally unwell.

Actually, as I type all this I realise how abusive this guy is…

[whosnumber1]

omg! girls! he's calling you mentally unwell? I would be long gone from there.

[BestWoman]

Leave him.