What's the biggest challenge you've ever faced in a relationship?

[SecretsofKB]

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

Ending relationships, confronting red flags, and trying to “fix” people.

I never once ended the relationship. I always got broken up with. I got cheated on, lied to, manipulated, etc. and I just blamed myself or ignored it and let the relationship die out instead of ending it myself.
For my long term relationships, I’ve noticed a pattern. 1) I always dated men who had unresolved issues, and 2) I always got broken up with 3 times before it ended completely. I always found myself trying to fix or take care of the men I date. And I couldn’t fix or take care of them. I couldn’t make their past trauma go away, I couldn’t take their depression away, I couldn’t take away their insecurities. When they pushed away, I kept trying to chase them and tell them I’d be waiting until they get better. I shouldn’t have waited, I shouldn’t have been treated like I can be disposed of and then taken back when they need me again. I also let the walk over me and treat me like crap.
I think the years of shitty relationships really taught me a lot and gave me plenty of different perspectives. I’m still learning how to really stand up for myself, and be a true part of the relationship, and not just an “add-on” to the person. For example, my long term exes NEVER communicated emotions and if I communicated mine, I’d get shut down. I had to just sit there and accept it. So, for me to enter the relationship I am in now, I had to set such high boundaries and standards for myself and him. I needed both of us to have healthy communication of emotions as our #1 priority. I still catch myself having a hard time speaking up through. That’s my biggest challenge I am currently going through.

[SecretsofKB]

I've seen a pretty constant answer here of "ending the relationship". That seems to be something a lot of people struggle with.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I won't put the full story here (ill be glad to talk to you about in DM) but the short of it was lying. That is my biggest pet peeve of all..

[SecretsofKB]

You can always share whatever your comfortable whenever you're comfortable!

[NathanDavis]

to end the relationships... and not because they were going bad or had been bad but because we did expect different things from the future, or moving forward

some relationships are great, as a couple (younger couples especially) but after three, four, five years... things change, and relationships tend to change because life does change, whether is marriage, to have children or not, to move out to a different place, to explore, to try different things, choices of career, jobs...

I don't believe in relationships in which one has to sacrifice and give up on their personal dreams and their own happiness just so the other can move on and you get stuck... love should not be about giving up on yourself, love you should be fulfilling in all aspect or the most aspect possible, not to take from you and who you are, want to be...

so yes, we ended a relationship as a relationship because we really wanted to go different ways, ways that were really not compatible or possible at the time being, and that is really really hard and challenging, but also... it's for the best, they are happier and so am I... also true, we believe in more chances to find love, and also one love where all other things work as well

[SecretsofKB]

I know exactly how you feel. My previous partner and eye ended things due to different futures. My dream job for me, grad school in another state for them. It was hard. But as far as I can tell, they're happy and thriving. I like to think I am too.

[NathanDavis]

yes... and actually I am still close with two of my exes (high-school and college years), but nowadays we do not see each other as "exes" because we've been great friends for much longer... while the other two, more recent ones, we're still in touch, not as close of a friendship but in very good terms, as things never really went wary

[menina]

"I don't believe in relationships in which one has to sacrifice and give up on their personal dreams and their own happiness just so the other can move on and you get stuck... love should not be about giving up on yourself, love you should be fulfilling in all aspect or the most aspect possible, not to take from you and who you are, want to be..." - I absolutely agree with you.

[ChrisMaster69]

Deciding to be grown up and get divorced AND remain friends lol.

Standing up to everyone as a couple and telling friends and family it was the best thing to do lol.

Then not sleeping with each other after it.

Technically it was more biggest challenge leaving a relationship lol.

[SecretsofKB]

That would be incredibly hard!

I feel like sometimes people just get stuck in that rut or comfortable spot and aren't willing to do what's best for them and their family.

Honestly, not sure I could do it!

[ChrisMaster69]

@SecretsofKB it was not a walk in the park.

Agreed people let life stagnate and don’t make the hard choices, admittedly that was not the reason lol

[SecretsofKB]

@chrismaster69

Ahh, I see. I won't pry then!!

[ChrisMaster69]

@SecretsofKB thank you for MHG, most appreciated

[lightbulb27]

Can I ask the underlying reason and why couldn't be worked through? like a fundamental value difference that was uncovered, or known from beginning? that's what's interesting on this site... learning from others experiences.

[Cynicaldreamer]

You mean besides finding a man that wants to be in a relationship with me?

All my past relationships primarily failed due to said guys being presumptuous about me and how they thought I was, rather than getting to know me, or state any issues, concerns, or get to know the real me-

In other words, poor communication and lack of effort.

[SecretsofKB]

I'll never understand why people wouldn't want to get to know the person they're dating. That's the whole point.

[coconut94]

Learning I cannot be in control.. I don’t mean this in a way that I was telling him what to do or being bossy but I always felt like I needed to know where we were headed, what we were, needed reassurance and blind control of knowing what was going on with him/us 24/7. Letting go of control of something outside of myself was a lot to overcome but once I found more self love and appreciation it became pretty easy. Nothing is ever sure in life and fooling myself by constantly trying to be in control of every situation was ruining things before they started.

[SecretsofKB]

That's a great answer! There is a certain level of vulnerability that comes with being in a relationship. Giving up some control is big there.

[coconut94]

Yes! I struggled with vulnerability a ton.

[God_of_Thunder]

Trust issues.

Massive, massive trust issues.

The girl I was seeing had come from a bad relationship, and despite things being otherwise good between us, she would occasionally get incredibly paranoid, and start accusing me of shit that I never did, and would never do.

Like, she'd lose her phone, and when she couldn't find it, she'd assume that meant I must have taken it, and gone through it. Later, she would find it in her car, where she left it, and despite the fact that I never touched it, she would never think to apologize for treating me like a spying thief.

I tried to put up with it for a long time, and help her work through it, but it eventually became too much, and I had to end the relationship.

[SecretsofKB]

Oof, that one would be a lot to deal with. Props to you for having the patience to stick it out for a bit and try to work with her.

Not many would!

[God_of_Thunder]

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Honestly, I stuck around too long, but I was really trying to make it work. Some things just aren't meant to be, though. 🤷‍♂️

[kyleelyn199723]

Realizing that social media is definitely not more important than your partner. I didn’t realize how much not having social media betters your relationship until I entered my current relationship.


Another big challenge: is acting like every typical girl my age 18-35 does not land you a decent boyfriend. Most of them sell their bodies, have only fans, pride themselves off of sleeping with a lot of men, etc. It does not get you a quality partner in the end. It just leaves you lonely with a cheating boyfriend

[Nomoturtle]

I hadn't considered that. Could you elaborate?

And yes, you're right, at least for me. I wouldn't be interested in women on only fans or with a high body count.

[kyleelyn199723]

@Nomoturtle social media creates so many insecurities in relationships that are unnecessary if you are loyal people in the end. There’s so many things that people look for their partner doing on social media that a flat out loyal person can look like a cheater on social media. Just so many trust issues accumulate. I think this becomes even more hard when you are young and not in your 50-60s using Facebook and Instagram.

[Nomoturtle]

@kyleelyn199723 That's so strange, what a paradox. I would have guessed that social media would give you more information, so you could confirm or deny suspicions, even before starting a relationship.
I guess general anxiety over an issue is better than having some info to fixate that anxiety over and "confirm" it.

[kyleelyn199723]

@Nomoturtle well social media gives you more access to people in general so it may seem like he can confirm suspicions, but it really doesn’t. It just makes more suspicions, more possible cheating, and more options for if you do want to cheat

[kyleelyn199723]

It can confirm*

[Aus15688]

I would love to be like a gay bestie for you

[ajafaro]

Quality men seeks quality women and vice versa period

[charlean]

understanding that even tho we can vibe amazingly on one level and feel attraction, it doesn’t mean all other factors such as values, location, goals etc will match up.


and resisting the habits to check up on, think about, talk about etc a person who you’re trying to move on from

[SecretsofKB]

That's a great point! If your chore values don't align, you're probably in for some trouble.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Well, with my first girlfriend I bought ear drops and Tylenol over the counter and she was sick came to my birthday party and I had to end up calling her mom and step-dad, they had to take her to the ER and she came home to tell me her Step-dad said, I made a poor judgment in trying to help her out well maybe I should have told her just to go home I try my best to help people and it hurt my feelings and I'm not a physician but my parents always tried taking care of a bad ear infection instead of going to the ER right away

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

We had legal issues and that was also a big challenged

[DaveJord]

Seriously, not sound like an jerk. But the biggest challenge for me in a relationship was how to get out of it. I was married for 22 years, and around year 14 I know it was a hopeless mess, but I couldn't find a smart way to get out of it. But eventually we both achieve our goal of razing everything good and about the thing to the ground...

[SecretsofKB]

No that's actually a great answer!

I just mentioned on another comment that that seems to be a hard thing for a out of people to do.

I'm not sure I could!

[DaveJord]

Kids complicate it. Just can't get up and leave your kids behind. It very tough thing to do... but by year 22 of marriage my youngest was 16... and it was unbearable. So that was the toughest thing hands down, hard to imagine anything hard than that honestly.

[SecretsofKB]

Yeah, I've heard a lot of couples stick it out for their children only to divorce a soon as kids grow.

[TheBootyChest]

I would say sex.

She tells me "anytime, anywhere". But then leaves it to me to initiate every time. And yet I feel like when she is having a really bad day it would be terrible of me to initiate sex. Because then it would look like I don't care.

[kyleelyn199723]

Hmmm your response just made me realize if I am a “any time and anywhere girl” I should be that and initiate more often. Thanks for this response , it may just help me with my relationship

[TheBootyChest]

I am glad I could be of help.

Do you think men and women have different ways of initiating sex?

[kyleelyn199723]

Yes I think we do, but I also think many women are afraid to initiate sex because we were in a way taught to muffle our sexual needs, but we also say anywhere , anytime so wouldn’t it make sense that I actually make it anywhere anytime?

[TheBootyChest]

True to an extent. You still need to have boundaries.

But I feel like women could give a guy a quick subtle flash (in public) that only he sees and ask if wants to head out. Versus grabbing his crotch.

[CuriousJC]

My biggest challenge in a relationship is seeing how long the relationship is going to last before the break up. Loyalty and commitment keeps the relationship together without it it's bound to fall apart. In relationships you got to get 50/50 in the relationship nothing else nothing more. If your partner is not trying to give 50 and just wants more than 50 then eventually the relationship is going to be broken up. In relationships you and your partner have to be completely in sync with each other. Sometimes I wonder how is that even possible when most people don't even like to open up themselves to others. That's why I'm single because it's extremely hard to find a decent person to get to know without that woman making the first words is money money money especially without even getting to know the person's name first.

[ArchivalMars2]

Trust, for me trust has always been an issue. Even if I'm dating somebody new it's hard for me to just let them into my life completely and tell them everything. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a girl say "someday I want to know all of your secrets" or "I want to know everything about you" and I've always felt this alarm go off like it's telling me to beware of something. I don't know why, when I think about it I'm always wondering why am I afraid? I don't have anything major to hide so why am I put off by this? Still trying to work on that.

[fuZzypeach]

Online cheating... he agrued that no contact... no cheating. But I found it a huge betrayal. It was hard but we struggled through. Still together but whenever I see him on phone I start doubting him

[SecretsofKB]

That's tough. That's great that you two worked through it. Many wouldn't.

I hope it keeps working for you!

[Bricealan]

Had a wonderful woman in my late 20's, that I just adored. She was alcoholic and I could not get her to join a program. I broke off with her, because of it. Several years later, I received a call in the middle of the night, from her, in Florida, and she told me she had an accident, driving DUI, and almost killed her daughter.

I tried my best to help her, but she refused to go into treatment, until this disaster. Good example of how alcohol and narcotics destroys people and families.
This was one of the saddest, most depressing things in my life.

[YollyM]

Communication. Most of the guys I've dated never knew how to Communicate their needs or thoughts in general , as a result we'd end up arguing about something (s) I never provide (NOT sexually) when he failed to tell me their importance to him.
For example holding hands or just being affectionate in general, now keep in mind that I always make it a point to Inform people that I'm not a very affectionate person. But if affection is someone's "LOVE LANGUAGE" , I do try to be more affectionate with them.

[dreamstar72]

Sound a little weird I guess.
Ok I really liked this girl when I first saw her so I went out a few times with her and for some reason I really started to like her. Then one night her ex showed up and started to create a problem between the two of us. One of my friends started to kick his butt, which the girl didn’t like since she hated violence so she left with he ex. A week later she called me and we talked for a few hours and then we meet up and talked more. We ended up going out a lot more and eventually she became my wife.
Challenge was
The ex showing up creating problems
My friend stepping in making me the bad guy
But ended well we are still happily married

[Anonymous]

Learning what it is to be in love with someone, rather than loving them. 3 LT over the last 23 years and the first two I realized I was never in love with them, then third broke it off after I fell in love with her. Pretty much the same way as the first two did, which were exactly why my walls were erecwax ted, happy one day to gone the next. Even though I hadn't gotten the chance to tell her I know she felt the energy. I would have taken it a lot easier if there had been tension between us and her not g @ @oing about in a parallel fashion as the last two, which she said would never do...

[lightbulb27]

you must be pulling quivers out of your chest. are you saying with the 3rd you fell in love and that's when she left? so she ended up going same route as the same as the others?

[Agape93]

In general, escaping.

For the current one, getting her paranoia and other shit to calm down.

[SecretsofKB]

Can I ask about the escaping? That's definitely caught my attention.

[yucel_eden]

Being asked to emotionally, physically, financially take care of someone in one go.


All 3 is too much for one person so as much as it hurt me to do it I had to find a different way (excuse) to end it without hurting her

[SecretsofKB]

At that point, is it even a relationship? That sounds draining in all 3 categories.

It sounds less like a relationship/team and more like you just being a caregiver

[yucel_eden]

That’s exactly it. I have needs too sometimes and carrying her problems as well as mine is basically being a slave. Which I am not…

[SecretsofKB]

I'm glad you were able to stand up for what you need.

[Anonymous]

Wanting to break up with someone who did nothing wrong.

I’ve been in this situation twice. First time I intentionally acted depressive to turn her off and it worked (too well). But in retrospect that was a huge immature mistake. Still regret it and will never do something like that again.

Second time I tactfully broke up with the other girl. She went nuclear and psycho despite me trying my best to lay her down with gentle hands. I have zero regrets or hang ups for how I handled that.

[charlietom]

Isn't it always hard? It almost feels like punishing someone with emotional pain when they didn't "deserve" it. When you're a girl, you get hit with the "Oh, nice guys finish last huh?" which just comes across as manipulative, because the purpose of the comment is to make you feel guilty.
Sorry about the girl that went nuclear, that sounds stressful my guy.

[Opinion Owner]

@charlietom she threatened to kill herself and had to be taken in for psych evaluation. However I gave her 2 hours of face to face time to let her get every thought, question and (scary) emotion out. I was expecting her to linger in the background for a few months (although I did tell her not to contact me). However she surprisingly respect my warning and never contacted me again.

Reason is I gave her full closure. Something no woman has ever given men when the roles were reversed. I once had a completely ghost me after 9 months of dating.

[Opinion Owner]

*ever given me

[Deserter]

Being myself, that gets much harder when you get invested in a person cause now you're scared you might lose them. Ironic since you is what they're attracted to, so acting different is sure to push them away

[SecretsofKB]

Exactly! That's my go-to advice for anyone, as cliché as it sounds. But just be yourself. When someone likes that, then you're set!

[Chlo3_2001]

I guess, abuse and lack of emotional and physical care.

[SecretsofKB]

I'm sorry to hear that!