I love my girlfriend and yet I also want to have a physical relationship with my best friend. Is this normal and what do I do about it?

[Anonymous]

Let's make one thing clear - I love my girlfriend, I am not going to leave her, and I am so far from tired of our physical relationship. But I also have a very strong desire for something physical, intimate, with the girl I call my best friend. I can say for sure that she also feels the same desire as me (a definite moment was shared) but is having difficulty acting on it cause of my girlfriend's existence.

And so I have two main questions because I need to hear opinions that aren't from people close to me. A) Is this normal to feel? B) What the fuck do I do about it?

TL;DR
- I refuse to leave my girlfriend
- My desire for my friend won't go away
- The feelings are mutual
- Things could be about to get very awkward depending on what I do next

(Asked anonymously for obvious reasons)

[caring__1]

Sometimes, the forbidden and unattainable have significant draw on us. Let me give you an example. Young kids love to be nude. You put their diaper on and they love to tear it off. They love the freedom and enjoy humoring you with their antics. Eventually, you tell them they are too old to be nude, and you won't see them and they won't see you anymore. Nudity used to be freedom of the body, but denial of nudity becomes curiosity about the body. We will all develop some modesty in our own time (even when raised with nudists), but having that time chosen by someone else can put us in conflict. After others make the choice, the kids' curiosity can become an obsession, with them doing all in their power to gain a peak of the forbidden.

In your situation, your best friend is the forbidden fruit (even if you are the one forbidding yourself). This makes your friend even more desirable. Denying your feelings for her can eventually lead to resentment of your girlfriend. No matter what, you plan to be loyal to your girlfriend, and that is commendable. This is the challenge of young love... before we've experienced enough of life to truly have most of our exploration and discovery out of the way. Any option available will be a gamble. Even if you deny yourself, you're still gambling you won't resent your girlfriend and lose your relationship.

If your girlfriend is open-minded, you can talk with her about this. Let her know you are fully committed to her, but the curiosity of touching your best friend's body has been eating away at you. To remove this growing obsession, maybe your best friend can come over, not to dilute your emotional connection with your girlfriend, but to theoretically drain an abscess. The 3 of you can go in your bedroom, and your girlfriend can watch as you look at, touch and explore your best friend's body... just to experience the physical sensations. Afterward, your best friend can leave, and you can make passionate love with your girlfriend. This is the best option I can think of, yet it can feed into your girlfriend's insecurities. Show appreciation for your girlfriend's trust in you by increasing the level of love you show her. Let her know this experience allowed you to get the curiosity out of your system, which opened up a deeper connection with her. I can't guaranty your girlfriend will be open to this, but without draining the abscess it will fester inside and just become worse. In all likelihood, this will be a one-time experience, not something you'll feel a need to repeat with each gorgeous body that happens along.

[Asker]

I admit to a "draw towards the forbidden" as you put it, that is something that's been a theme in my life for as long as I can remember. But I wouldn't say that comes into play here, truly. I don't mean to be mean, but there are more desirable, equally as forbidden options as my best friend. And yet somehow it is her specifically. As for how open minded my girlfriend is, she is very open minded, but the involvement of others is a very very big deal to her so that's pretty unlikely to work. Thank you for the new angle though, I hadn't gone there myself yet so it is appreciated

[caring__1]

You're welcome. I just hope you find a means to drain the extra pressure before it explodes. Sometimes being allowed to taste one candy from the candy shop can lower our urge to taste all the candies in the candy shop.

[Jamie05rhs]

So ask her for permission.

I mean, swinging isn't something I endorse. But neither is lesbianism, so...

[Asker]

I know better than to rise to that last comment, you're far from the first

[SueShe]

From the account you give us, the choice is obvious as I assume that your girlfriend is not aware of the "best friend" and the impact she has on you.

You keep your girlfriend and leave the other girl alone. Why?

Because you are basically just cheating on her. Cheating is not the sole prerogative of men or of people of opposite genders. Remember. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

You state that you "love" your girlfriend. If you really love her, then the thought of cheating on her would not even have crossed your mind. Thus I deduct that it is not real love because you are ready and willing to jeopardize this "love" just to have a few muscular contractions with another person.

[Asker]

Okay, firstly, when did I even imply that women can't cheat? Secondly, as it stands, how am I cheating on her? What you're saying right now is that because I have physical feelings for someone else (that I have not acted on) I'm cheating on her. That's like saying that we should give out life sentences any time someone says "I want to kill ______" without actually killing anyone. And as for your final little paragraph where you attack the very real love I have for my girlfriend, the thought of cheating has not occurred to me in any other capacity than "I will not go there". The thought of proposing polyamoury has occurred to me first and foremost, and I asked this question here to see if anyone had any actual constructive ideas other than that one that would result in everyone walking away happy. If you haven't got anything beyond your already stated "you don't love your girlfriend, oh, and keep it in your pants" then you needn't reply any further.

[HollyK21]

It sounds like this burning desire to experiment with your friend is just about as strong as your refusal to leave your girlfriend. You could speak with her about an open relationship, or polyamory, although not everyone is into that so that’s a conversation to approach being ready for whatever. If she’s interested then congrats, you fixed your problem. If she’s not, then the only way anything would get “awkward” is if you snuck around to do some things you shouldn’t be doing (like cheating) out of selfishness. The only other option if she doesn’t want any of that is to make the hard choice you’re trying to avoid, and that’s either behaving or leaving your girlfriend.

[Asker]

Thanks for the lengthy reply - I have thought about polyamoury and I feel I could make it work in my own head, but I'm not so sure about how my girlfriend would feel. As for approaching her at all, I've felt like I need to get my own head straight before I even think about sending hers spinning, hence me asking here lol

[Asker]

A part of my reply I was uhming and ahing over including because I don't want to come off all high and mighty - cheating is not an option and that is because I love my girlfriend. I am a selfish person, it's true, but my love and respect for her is greater than my selfishness by a hell of a lot. I really just cannot see myself doing that to her.

[HollyK21]

That’s good of you, to not be a cheater, because a lot of people would just take that route. I’m not sure what you usually do to sort your thoughts, like if you write or anything, but do something that will help you get a better idea of both what you’re feeling and what you want before saying anything to your girlfriend. It sounds like things got pretty heated between you and your friend, and in an effort to avoid making a mistake and cheating, you may want to create some space between you two until you get your head on right and also out of respect for your girlfriend, since I’m assuming a good deal of flirting happens to lead you down this road. Hopefully you can reach the right conclusion, even if it ends up being a hurtful one. Sorry, I wish there was an easier answer for this, but there’s just no way to avoid doing something hard, no matter what route you take.

[Asker]

I'm going to take on board your advice of writing to get myself reorientated, its not exactly like it's something I haven't done on occasion before, but never usually with an issue of this capacity.

Thank you for your input, you've been more helpful than you maybe realise :)

[Anonymous]

Make it about your girlfriend. Seduce her into the idea of involving the best friend rather than presenting it as something you want.

[Asker]

That's manipulative and also not going to work, she really will not include a third

[Opinion Owner]

Everything is manipulation, it's just sometimes we call it 'convincing' or 'influencing'. That's just a matter of semantics.

You're not going to get everything you want without some sort of manipulation. Offering it as a mutually desirable option rather than solely what you want is actually a form of negotiation. Unless, that is, you have no intention of sharing but expecting to be shared. In which case, you should be more worried about selfishness than being manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Well, maybe this will go away eventuallyOr maybe all of you would be open to a threesome.

[Asker]

Alas, my girlfriend would not be open to a threesome, and unfortunately these feelings are unlikely to go away on their own. Thank you for your opinion though

[Wise4myage]

Have you talked to your girlfriend about this?

[Asker]

Not explicitly. It's something I've kind of hinted at vaguely for a short while

[Wise4myage]

I say tell her everything.