The man who won’t get married… who is he?

[Anonymous]

Is it “worth it” to persist in finding a future with him when two years in he hasn’t decided?
Should I leave the discussion alone, as he seems to want? Would this make me a sucker?
Should I continue to make my case, and explain why marriage is an important dream and goal of mine?

Walk. You have your answer.

Wait. The ball is in his court.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

It should be discussed early on the in the relationship whether or not both of you plan/want to get married. At least having the conversation about if they desire getting married or not in general, doesn’t have to be involving you, ya know?


Anyways, I think it should be discussed. Ask if he wants to marry you eventually, and what the timeframe would be. If the answer is “no, I don’t want to marry,” that should be a dealbreaker for you, since you think marriage is important for you.


If he says yes, he wants to get married to you eventually, then you have every right to ask him a timeframe of when because you don’t want to wait forever.


The ball is in your court, you should ask.

[Asker]

What can I do if he refuses the question? It’s the avoidance that is making me want to pull my hair out.

If I could just hear him say “No, I don’t want to get married to you.” Nothing else would matter. He’s been withholding the conversation, and I’ve been explicit about my goals, my life priorities and what I would be interested in having with him: a life!

But his response to any subject pertaining to marriage is met with resistance, wishy- washy excuses not to talk, shortness and ultimately apathy.

He pretty much morphs into someone else just at that subject.

But he’s also the man I love. He’s funny, perceptive and strong. He’s kind and giving. Loyal to a fault. He’s stubborn.

Some of these replies ramble, I’m sorry ahead of time. Thank you for your reply. It was well written.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

I understand. That part might be a bit of a concern - Avoidance. Why would he avoid the convo after 2 years in a relationship?

I would be concerned about that

[Asker]

I’ve tried every approach, and he remains adamant that he’s within his rights not discussing this with me.

His parents were divorced when he was 11 or so but both remained cordial and active in his life.

His two long term relationships both ended due to his iron will to stay committed, but not married.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

That seems like a bit turn off — Being committed, but not wanting to get married. I think that’s great, commitment is awesome, but why not get married?

I think it would be a dealbreaker for me, but the more context, it makes sense why he would be a bit hesitant.

[ChiTown33]

Well she did say his parents are divorced. That could have soured his views on marriage. I don't know. I don't know him I can only go off the information she's provided. I have a friend who's daughter is going through this with a guy right now. And I'm pretty much convinced he has no intention of marrying her. So I see both sides of it.
Like I say I think it comes down to deciding which is more important to you. Being in a relationship with him or being married. And then giving him an ultimatum if you DECIDE that being married is more important to you (even if it's not with him) because the answer to the ultimatum COULD be NO. But you will have your answer. Ask yourself which is more important. I'm not one for issuing threats. I think that's a bad way to be. But you could say "hey I want to be married and if you don't then I don't see how we can work anymore". IF this IS that important to you you need to word it in such a way. Maybe it's me just being a guy but based on what you've written I seem to sense he's not seeing the importance it has to you. Either that or he's deliberately changing the subject.

[ChiTown33]

The answer to this comes down to you and no one can decide this for you. Because the simple fact of the matter is he could be just wasting your time. Or he could have legitimate concerns about spending the rest of his life with you.
If I were you I'd make an ultimatum. If marriage to him is what you really want. Sometimes you have to choose what's more important to you. Even if you really love someone. Which is more important to you? Him or being married?

[ScottStevens]

It’s important he knows that is your ultimate goal. Doesn’t mean it’s time to let go.

if he never wants to discuss the topic then you have a problem.

out of college my college girlfriend was ready to get married, I was not. we broke up cause I would have been a terrible husband at that point in my life. Yet I always think back had we just taken more time to grow up I bet that relationship would have worked out great.

[slatyb]

Is he saying that he's not ready to marry, or that he's not sure about marriage? You are still pretty young, but it's fine for you to give him a decision date. If you aren't careful, he could string you along for years.

[Avicenna]

Well, have you clearly communicated your hopes and your expectations? If so, and he hasn't reciprocated, you need to move on if you aren't getting what you want.

[Asker]

I have reciprocated. What has me holding onto hope is that he won’t outright say it. When I bring it up his answer isn’t “Yes,” or “No,” it’s “I don’t know yet.”

He has commuted many acts of devotion, gets along well with my family and spends holidays with them, has introduced me to all friends and family, and we’ve lived together for one and a half years now. Our two year anniversary is 4/21.

I don’t want to give up prematurely when he’s a good man whom I love dearly. I just don’t get why he won’t just be straight with me? Why is he avoiding the question?

[Pterodon]

He’s decided and you ain’t it

[Asker]

Even if we live together and are financially reliant on each other?

[Pterodon]

Especially

[Asker]

Even if he’s introduced me to all his family? How do you know so surely?

[Pterodon]

If he wanted to he would have

[Asker]

Another factor playing in is that he’s had two long term relationships in the past (4 years and 2 years) but he didn’t commit in matrimony to either.

How do I know he hasn’t changed since then?

[Pterodon]

Leopards don’t change their spots and people don’t change either

[Asker]

I dearly love him, but would hate to leave him alone. He’s 38 and I know he gets lonely. He’s not smooth with women, but I adore him.

Pterodon, last q. I’ve waited two years, how much longer would you wait before walking/ leaving?

[Pterodon]

Move on. He’ll never be what you want

[Iron_Man]

I guess he’s selfish

[Asker]

The truth is, I don’t think so. He’s not a selfish man. He’s a great friend, a great son and a kind and giving boyfriend to me.

I just want to know if it’s possible for us both to be happy. I have a strong desire for union under our church (same beliefs) and he obviously doesn’t want me to move out or for us to break up.

How can I invoke the proper conversation?

[Iron_Man]

Why don’t you ask him why doesn’t he get married sounds pretty suspicious to me

[Asker]

I’ve asked why he doesn’t want to get married, and he says “I didn’t say I don’t want to get married.”

He stays in limbo. I just find it difficult to see it as suspicious because we spend entire days together.

We live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and have moderately integrated lives! I don’t know how to invoke/ properly start the conversation.

“Hey honey, can we talk about our 2 year anniversary coming up? I think it’s time to plan a discussion about taking the next step in our relationship.” Doesn’t work.

“Do you think we’ll get married one day?” Doesn’t work.

:/ simple or complex, quiet or emblazoned. He won’t talk?

[Iron_Man]

This is the typical why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free

[Iron_Man]

He’s avoiding the serious question why do you put up with that? Are you having sex

[Asker]

That first reply, the cow one. Just 💀😢 ouch. Is that what’s happening?

He has a lower libido and doesn’t initiate more than two or three times a month. I’m usually the one who wants more. But yes. We are having sex.

[Iron_Man]

I’m not trying to say thats your situation I’m explaining thats usually what happens. It’s an American expression

[Iron_Man]

How long have you been with him any kids

[Asker]

We’ve been together two years, lived together for one and a half years. We don’t have children, and neither of us have ever married.

[noohair]

I got married at 39.