Is finding out your partner was a school bully a reason to break up?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend hasn't broken up but our relationship hasn't been the same ever since he found out weeks ago that I bullied other girls and 2 guys in my school years (grades 8th to 10th).

He's said he's disappointed that I never shared that information and told him in his face; that it didn't came from me. Instead he found out about it. Others from my school told him and some other evidence he won't tell me about. Then he asked me ''I'm assuming you've apologized right'', to which my answer was a ''No, I didn't. I wanted to forget about it''.

Needless to say should this even be a reason to break up? This happened 6-8 years ago already.

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

I'll admit.. the reason I haven't apologized is because I don't feel too remorseful about it. I can't think of a moment I've ever felt remorse. I felt simple guilt, bad when accidentally bumping into someone but not that ''oh I'm sorry for ruining your years, will you ever forgive me'' type of remorse. Nope

[Vesuvius87]

I think the major issue your boyfriend is having a hard time to deal with isn't exactly the fact that you were a bully but that you have no empathy nor remorse at all.

Feeling guilt is what allows us to learn from the past, to grow emotionally and not regress to the same behaviors. Otherwise we would be repeating it all over again and be emotionally stunt.

Looks like there is more issues to worry about. If you really never experienced any guilt in your life, that's alarming. That sounds like a huge problem.

[Asker]

I believe I'm different from most people. Many can feel those emotions but I can't. Even from an early age (as young as 8 or 9 I think), I always knew I was unable to feel guilt and remorse. I know I might have a disorder. I'll have it confirmed by a local psychologist in my area.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It's the lack of remorse and your inability to want to own up to previous bad actions that makes it deal breaker, probably.

You haven't grown enough to be emotionally mature.

Emotional maturity is a key component of healthy relationships. He has every right. You're not the person he thought you were.

[Asker]

The way I can explain it is that I know bullying is obviously wrong but this must be weird; I can't think of a time I've ever experienced feeling remorse. I've never reached a time where I felt like asking someone for forgiveness. I've never experienced those emotions. There were times I've apologized for something without actually feeling it. That must be weird I guess.

[Asker]

I have no problems with apologizing to my former classmates if that's what my boyfriend and they want. I'll do it even though I don't feel it.

[Asker]

Or can it be that I've never reached a breaking point yet I guess.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Having an external motivator (boyfriend and threatening to leave you) be the thing that makes you apologize completely invalidates the apology.

I'd suggest going to therapy. Remorse is a normal human emotion, and if you struggle with that there's a good chance there's something that needs addressing.

A lack of breaking point can also be a valid reason to break up with someone. Especially if he's older or more experienced in life, it just means you two will have much less in common.

I recently broke up with my ex fiancé and that was namely motivated to a total lack in his life experience. Even though we were the same age, he lacked the experiences that could have made him a full-grown adult and I couldn't deal with that lack.

[Vesuvius87]

I think the OP needs to seek a psychologist of therapist. Doesn't her update to her post seem alarming? Compassion, empathy and guilt is what makes us normal people capable of growing up, of bonding with others. If the OP lacks all of that and really can't understand how hurting others is wrong then looks like there is a very serious issue that goes beyond just being immature. Those are traits of a serious psychological disorder.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

@Vesuvius87 Agreed, absolutely. I hope she does seek professional help, because it seems like she'll end up isolated and bitter if she doesn't learn to live with whatever she's got in a more positive way.

[Asker]

I haven't thought about it that way but interesting. Sometimes I do wonder what's it like to feel those emotions; guilt and remorse. I would assume it's not the same saying a scripted apology, even if it's well delivered and supposedly ''heartfelt'' if it's not really coming from the heart but you're just imitating and mimicking things. I always knew I was different even as a kid but never got tested.
I actually believe I have the disorder I've always suspected. Yeah it wouldn't be bad to see if that's the disorder. I'll get it confirmed by a local psychologist.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It'd be a good idea. There's nothing wrong with having some different wiring, mentally speaking. But it's important to learn to live with it in a way that hopefully won't limit your ability to have genuine relationships and friendships.

Good on you for going to a psychologist. It will definitely help, and I think you'll improve your quality of life. 🙂

[Pyrofox]

I wouldn't break up but I'd DEFINITELY question your values. And even more so if you are like just taking advantage of my kindness. And really just are only with me cause I'm just fulfilling your need for attention.

[Asker]

He's upset that I didn't tell him that myself and that I never apologized to those I bullied. I just thought that this was some trivial stuff to move on from.

[Pyrofox]

Well for starters you could try and apologize I think he would start to trust you more if you did.

[Asker]

To be honest I'm not too remorseful about it. I guess it wouldn't hurt if they want to hear it.

[Pyrofox]

The idea is just to know that you aren't going to be psychologically abusive in the relationship.

[boggboss]

Someone can break up for any reason just because u find it trivial don't mean he would lol as in his eyes it shows him that the idea he had of u is different then who u are or who u have been

[Asker]

He seems to take it hard that I didn't tell him myself. He said it would've made a difference if I had told him and he would still stay but now he's thinking things. He seems more upset that I withheld this information than the bullying. He's upset that he had to find out from others.

[boggboss]

Because to him it looks like u was hiding it and if u hid that what else are u hiding

[boggboss]

Clearly the reason for him breaking up then is justified as he clearly feels empathy where as u don't to the situation

[Asker]

My update is basically how I've always felt, even when I used to apologize to people. I can deliver a heartfelt apology (if that's what my former classmates I've bullied and boyfriend want) without feeling anything. I can't think of a time where there was an emotion in any of my apologies, none. I just don't feel it. I never did.

[Asker]

This is the best way to describe myself:
Lets say I were to call someone a retarded that'll never succeed in life and the person gets hurt and starts crying. My reaction is something like this...
I can look them straight in the eyes for a bit, then leave, feeling absolutelynothing.

[boggboss]

Meh sounds like a inability to feel empathy again that's more then a valid reason to end the relationship with u

[TheLastRhodesian]

Childhood bullies experience greater sexual success than non-bullies

[Asker]

That's because we already establish a hierarchy from young age and know how the system works. What many people confuse is that a bully does it due to self-esteem issues or mistreatment in the house. They're wrong. I had higher grades than the bullied kids and my parents are decent people that gave me love and everything I ever wanted. There was nothing missing at home. I had a good childhood.

[TheLastRhodesian]

What I wrote only applies to men.

[Asker]

Besides sexual success there are other types of success too. For instance while I've been promoted in my workplace and run a business with my father, most of the girls I've bullied are behind.

[Asker]

Overall, unlike the fantasy Hollywood endings that are bullies become homeless losers... the reality is they can succeed more than the bullied person. Unfortunately that's reality and not ''karma will get you'' fake movies.

[Truthatanycost]

The reality is also that he's found out and you could potentially lose a good relationship. You mentioned karma...

[Asker]

@Truthatanycost
I can still apologize to all those I've bullied if that's what they and he wants, I don't mind doing it. I know how to deliver heartfelt apologies without ever feeling anything. Like stated, there isn't any emotion in my apologies. I just don't feel those feelings of guilt or remorse; never did.

[Asker]

I don't really now a real guilt is like. I can imitate it but never felt it.

[Asker]

**I don't really know how real guilt is like. I can imitate it but never felt it.

[Truthatanycost]

None of that sounds beneficial for an intimate relationship!

[CuriousMufuxka]

I would dump you. You still have some of that past in yourself.

[Asker]

I just thought it was something you move on from and just live your normal life. I understand if the bullying happened recently but it's been 6-8 years. Shouldn't that be enough time?

[CuriousMufuxka]

What's the living situation?

[Asker]

It's good. I can't think of anything I lack. I've been promoted on my workplace (management to be exact) and currently running a business with my father.

[CuriousMufuxka]

You both living together!

[Asker]

Nope. I've moved out we're just like 15-20 minutes away from each other. I help out with the business when during the weekends.

[CuriousMufuxka]

Gotta go. So should he, but it won't happen.

[CloudMassacre]

Any thing can be a reason to break up

[Asker]

So could he be using my past bullying as an excuse and maybe was already thinking of breaking up but needed a reason?