My fiancés family are tearing us apart. How do I play this?

[Anonymous]

So they’ve always been friendly to my face but over time I’ve noticed a few things and it has made me wary of them.

- When I got a male assistant in work and the dad said to me in front of my fiancé “oh is he single”. He said it in front of my fiancé and I thought it was manipulative.
- They’ve never once paid for a meal. My fiancé has paid EVERY SINGLE TIME and they say nothing. I feel like they are users.
- We got engaged after a year and they weren’t particularly happy for us. We met them to tell them all about how he proposed etc and they did nothing but talk about themselves! I made a joke to his dad about being my dad and he said “oh no not yet”. I felt like saying you can get fucking used to it because I am still marrying him whether you like it or not!

- everything has come to a head over money this week. They already “borrowed” £1500 off him to build an extension and before they paid him a penny back they were buying hot tubs etc! Found out they have defaulted AGAIN on their mortgage and may lose their house and have to go to court AGAIN. Then right before me and my fiancé go on our first ever holiday (because of covid) they get him to go to their house and start crying and putting pressure on him to the point where he doesn’t enjoy the holiday. To say I am angry is an understatement.
-Then when we get back off holiday he says he is thinking of taking out a £14,000 loan for them that they may or may not ever pay off…

I threatened to leave so he has told them he can’t do it and has to put me first but I listened in to the phone conversation and they were Still putting pressure on him.

We are trying to save for a mortgage and wedding and basically our futures.
How should I handle this going forward?

[TommyMountainFigure]

Unfortunately you DON'T get to play this. It is entirely up to him as to whether or not he can break the ties which are constantly drawing him back to them.
I'm not saying cut them off, but he has to put his foot down and tell them his future wife is his priority. If he can't or doesn't? You have to walk away or accept it.. No other choice, because you can't spend your life nagging him to do the right thing. It's not fair on you.

[Asker]

I have told him I need to be put first if I am going to be his wife. He needs to stand up to them!

[TommyMountainFigure]

I know, but saying it and doing it are sometimes two different things.. Between me and you though, don't marry the guy, (Put the wedding off if you have to) . I just don't think he's grown up enough to handle being a husband.

[TommyMountainFigure]

One more thing.. If he DOES take that loan out and they default on the payments, who do you think they will come after the money? Him and if you marry him? You'll be responsible for it too!

[Asker]

No he stood up to them and said he loves me and won’t be doing the Loan, they are poison though for what they are foong

[Asker]

We spoke to my parents on the phone last night and I felt like he was being cold towards them. I am really angry at him right now

[TommyMountainFigure]

It's obvious why he did that. He's blaming your parents for what went on with his parents and you outing your foot down. So bloody childish! BUT, we all have our off days SO, Here's what you do:-

Calmly, without rasing your voice tell him to phone your parents and apologise to them. That he was having a bad day and shouldn't of taken it out on them. That is the grown up thing to do, ... ANY refusal or complaint from him and I think you have your answer from me as to whether or not you should marry this guy..

I get you love him, adore him and all the mushy stuff that goes with that.. But you've had an insight into his character, and how he responds to it will for me define your relationship with him!

[Asker]

Yes he’s not taking anything out on my parents!

[TommyMountainFigure]

Quite right. I wouldn't let him get away with it either. But you shouldn't have to force him to apologise.. A calm question such as "Are you going to apologise to my mum and dad for taking all this out on them?
The biggest problem I have with his actions is he has no respect for you or your family. When I responded to you before I tried putting myself in his shoes and that is why I said it's possible to have an off day.. we all have them sometimes.. but its what you do when the dust settles that defines you. At least that is what I think. I have to much respect for my g/f and her family to treat them badly for something that was clearly nothing to do with them
If I did what he did.. I wouldn't need to be told.. I'd phone and apologise to them.. even if she wasn't here..
See the difference?

[Anonymous]

Hold off on the marriage. They don't support the relationship at all, so what does your boyfriend think and feel about it. Too scared to cut them out of your lives? Because they're only a cancer that will come between you eventually. They either need to be cut out of your lives, or he or both of you need to have a serious conversation with them about it. I get it's hard when it's family, but it's also not fair to you or the relationship. They need to start showing some respect, or be gone.

[Asker]

Yes I am holding off on the marriage. I feel like he hasn’t been as nice to my parents though. Like he’s taking it out on them just because they are better to me or something or like it’s a competition. He needs to wake up and realise what they are like

[Opinion Owner]

"taking it out on them" - yeah maybe. He might be frustrated over it and needs to vent it somewhere and in the wrong place. I haven't been in this situation, but it's got to be tough when your family doesn't approve. They're really forcing him to choose, which is horrible. And all on them.

[Pyrofox]

Just love him and invest in him if they are gonna act like you aren't a part of the family then just reciprocate the favor. If they freak out about it tell them your love is for HIM cause he's ALWAYS BEEN LOVING YOU! Why should you have to love "extended family" THAT NEVER TREATED YOU LIKE FAMILY, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Maybe its time to move on from him?

[Asker]

It’s not him it’s the family

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, I know. But these issues with this family are probably never gonna go away.