Confusion on what this means?

[Anonymous]

I am 28yrM old Indian.
I have been getting immense pressure from my parents and dying grandparents back in India to at least do an engagement.
I met this girl, 27yr Indian, nine months ago.
We were instantly vibing. After going on about seven lunch/dinners (3 weeks), I decided to ask her out. I wasn't crazy for her, but I felt calm, and it wasn't like anything I had ever felt before.

She rejected my offer and told me it had only been a short time, and she was not interested.
I took it as 'NO.' At this point, I thought she was not interested in me.

But it so happened that we started hanging out even more after this incident.
We did not escalate it to physical relation. It was platonic. We met almost three days a week constantly with at least 1-5 hrs alone time with mostly laughter and sharing each other's day/problems.

In March, I told her my parents had asked me to engage this summer.
To which she replied, "why do you want to marry now? What is it that you are looking for?"
I did not take anything from this.

Last week, I returned to India, and I saw my family getting pretty serious- like they are buying gold and all.
Last week, my relatives gave me tips on what to look for in an arranged marriage candidate. I realized I had this all along with her. Now I am shit scared.

If I agree with my parents and go and see the candidates, I am sure there will be no U-turn after that.
The second problem is I don't dare to express this to her now. We have a great friendship, and I am not sure what she meant when she said she was not interested in me. If I say now, I feel like she will be super pressured to make a decision.
If she is not interested in me, it will end the friendship once and for all.
I also realized in these nine months she never went on searching for a boyfriend... Neither did I ever think I needed to find someone.

Now I feel sick contemplating what to do and what not to do.

[PrettyPriya]

Ok, this is tough. I am guessing that your family is very much traditional Hindu, yes? I’m also going to take a leap and say you are not from a tier 1 city? These are only guesses and not exceptions to a rule.

What you want (for those not from India and not familiar) is a “love marriage” and not arranged marriage. I could not stand by you more on a love marriage. I have seen both. You know what? Arranged marriages are not the way to go. How do you force love? Please tell me.

You cannot. I don’t care how many “candidates” you meet. Do you know the odds of truly loving someone that you are forced to try to love? Like zero %.

I also understand the culture behind it all, being Indian myself. I’m fortunate though to come from a very forward thinking family. I am Hindu but have never been pressured to date/marry someone that was arranged.

This is so hard for me to give you advice because I know very well what you are going through and the pressure from your family. I was lucky not to face it and I can feel your anxiety/pain having to go through it.

My best advice is to talk to your parents. NOT anyone else and explain your feelings. They love you and think they are doing what is right. If they see your pain, they may relent in this pursuit of an arranged marriage for the time being.

As for this girl you like. Sounds like perhaps the two of you need some more time together and the reason of rejection the first time was it was too quick for her. We are all human, regardless of culture and love takes time. A relationship is built carefully with trust, communication and TIME. It doesn’t happen overnight.

It looks to me that you started building that and perhaps in time she might be the one. The issue is buying that time with your family. Have you thought of introducing this girl you like to your family? As a friend? That might just be the ticket to the time you need.

Best of luck to you and I am more than happy to talk anytime if you need support. ❤️

[SueShe]

This reply is worth a week of pretzels. Enjoy them one by one :-)

[PrettyPriya]

@SueShe thank you! Your opinion is spot on. The asker need not give in to pressure. It is, however, a very delicate situation in a lot of families still to this day.

I am happy to talk to the asker if he should want to. I have had a longtime friend (girl) successfully avoid an arranged marriage. Now, she is happily involved in a relationship with a wonderful Indian man of her choosing.

My expectation is they will marry in the not too distant future…out of love for one another.

[SueShe]

Asker, make use of this offer. You will not find a person more suited to answer your question as it seems to really bother you. You may find in @PrettyPriya the one person that I know here in GaG that is truly able to help you and find the solution to your problem.

Don't miss this opportunity to get free counseling from a knowledgeable person that knows Indian customs inside out like no second one.

[SueShe]

My point of view of a non Indian citizen is that you are now letting pressure from family dictate the way you should behave. I am aware that in many Asian countries also, people should be married before they reach the age of 30. This is a huge pressure on a person to fulfill the social pressure and family expectations.

My opinion is that you should not let yourself be pressured into doing something that you don't want to do just to satisfy the ancient traditions and the wishes of your family.

I know of an Indian lady here on GaG that would be able to relate to your problems. I hope she can read your question and give you better advice than I will ever be able to.

She is a very bright woman with a very open mind and I know she would be able to give you really helpful hints on how to proceed. Good luck.

[PrettyPriya]

Thank you @SueShe. I saw your opinion pop up on the feed. I may have missed this otherwise.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Your culture is complicated with how the parents get involved with the pressure to marry up stuff... I'm guessing after that it will be kids, kids, kids! You're going to have to get over your fear, and just have a conversation about it with the great friendship girl. It's hard for me to say, because it sounds like the pressure from parents stuff is real serious in your culture.

[Avicenna]

It sounds like her the stable and yours do not match. I do not envy you. I would advise you to tell her about what your parents have planned. That might change things. Explain that you don’t want an arranged marriage.

[WhitneySnow]

I think that girl only likes you as a friend. Also she might be LGBTQ.

[Guy13]

Cultures vary…how much is the dowry running?