How would you respond to a marriage "ultimatum"?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years, and have been living together for the last 6 months. He owns the house, so there is an imbalance of security in the relationship. And what I mean by that is, if we were to break up, I would be the one to move out of the house.

Every time I mention engagement and our future, it goes one of two ways. He either jokingly shrugs off the conversation, or says something along the lines of "i love you, but am not ready to talk about marriage." I want to make it clear, I am not pushing for being engaged soon. I am pushing for understand and gain clarity on where our future stands.

I have thought about giving it another year, and then moving out, if we are no closer to figure out our future. I don't want to put my life on hold, and be left in the dark on my own future.

I know this is essentially an ultimatum. How would you respond to this?

D_Bone_Steak · Accepted Answer

Hmmm... letting you move in already goes against MGTOW values. Literally, there's a good chance you could take his house already depending on where you live.

I'm not going to lie, this question just gave me some clarity on why a female pushes so hard to get married or get duel ownership of things, if not all ownership... it's like a security of future.

Alright to answer the question, how would I respond? I would start getting you out of the house, distance myself from you, and make sure I change all the locks if you have keys. Next, I would make moves to completely remove you from my life. I only have what I have and when I see someone trying to get their hands on what I got on my own... I get a bit defensive. I don't mind sharing, but that's going to be on my terms and I share only if the person on the take is in good faith and grateful... but if they just want to take, my attitude changes towards them 100%.

My advice... get your own place. The power dynamic is back in place. Thanks to feminism this is no longer a world where marriage is smart... especially for a man. In fact if you're a man and do it, you're pretty retarded unless you know for a fact you can trust a woman that could take everything from you just because she decided she's not happy or wanted to cheat. I've been married for over 10+ years now, but I would never tell one of my sons that marriage is wise with how things are now.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

I’d respond differently depending upon my age and maturity at the time. In general I was resistant like him for long time.

Ultimatums don’t go well anymore than telling someone to jump off a cliff.

It’s a tough spot to be in. If you can find something positive in it… like you are saving money might buy some time … but I’ve seen these drag on for…. Years.

A few things you can do is take a relationship class (churches) which might instigate discussion.

Explore his past experiences around relationships and fears… possibly with a counselor to help work through. Might sound bad but it’s just talking… maybe he never will get married.

Try substituting a word for marriage that is something you both enjoy but you know what you are talking about…. Substitition. Example… talk about ‘tacos’ as if they were marriage. Sit next to him rather than across and give him something to fiddle with in his hands. Sitting across girls like but is confrontational to guys.

Lastly… take away something and save for marriage … but this alone will not solve the problem and is more protection.

LazerBean · Accepted Answer

That's why you make sure a person is ready and looking for marriage before becoming anything official. I wouldn't have ever dated the guy to begin with.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Don't gibe him an ultimatum because even if he caves in and gives you what you want, he will forever resent it. Just give yourself a deadline and then stick to it.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

Ultimatums are overly aggressive and people don't respond well to them.

He says he is not ready for marriage. An ultimatum will not change that. He's not ready and that's the current state of things.

Marriage is becoming less and less of an option for people. Simply living together is a valid substitute for a lot of people. There is a difference between marriage and just living together, but that extra step is both a big step and a small step. It's a big step for commitment. But it's a very small step from the practical side of things, because nothing really changes in your day-to-day life.

How you deal with it is up to you. If marriage is important to you, you have to decide how long you are willing to wait. He may be ready in the future or he may not. But an ultimatum, or even pressuring him, is not the way to go. He has to decide freely.

caring__1 · Answer

If a man is interested in marriage, he'll initiate conversation about that. Apparently, he's comfortable with what is and isn't motivated to make any changes. He's looking at the cost and gain and doesn't see the value in it. Not all men are alike, but accept him as he is rather than for the potential he can become. Wasting another year waiting will get you nowhere. Just let him know your priorities are different, and you plan to move out.

Also, marrying him doesn't mean you'll get 1/2 his assets. You'll only get 1/2 of any accrual of commingled assets after the marriage ceremony. It's amazing how many women feel entitled to 1/2 of everything a man has ever acquired. That's like saying a man is entitled to your virginity, even if you are no longer a virgin. Whatever happened before a relationship is a non-issue.

MTC29 · Answer

Youa re not the only woman posting on GAG who considered this, and in every case (reported) it didn't go well.

The problem with ultimatums is that they are 100% win or lose. If the guy says no, then it's over. You can't simply go back and say, "Okay. I was just testing the waters. let's go back to the way things were."

Guys don't work like that. He says no, you are out of the picture, and he finds another girl... which is what occurred in the other ultimatums.

In any case, good luck.

RiseofArtemis · Answer

He's right not to marry you in today's world. If he marries you and it goes south he could lose all his belongings to you. There are too many negatives and too little positives for marriage nowadays and he probably heard all kinds of stories about divorce rape. And its just better to not be another dude who lost all his money just because he thought she was the one. Marriage used to be great now its just a legal contract that has government intrusion in your life and benefits the one who breaks it.

Thank the government for ruining marriage. And if you love him why even bother to marry. There should be two kinds of marriage anyway. By church and by state. If you marry by church the government should not be allowed to interfere in it by any chance like it does now. Ask him to make a Prenup (Its the only chance you have for marriage and he doesn't lose everything) and have it signed by both of you in front of a a lot of people so that neither of you can say he/she forced me.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

Why do you demand to be the owner of his house he bought on his own? Very suspicious. I don't think you are a gold digger per se but in todays legal climate, marriage equals the woman gets the house 99% of the time. So why are you pressuring him to give you his house? Did you do a few hundred thousand dollars of work for your boyfriend he has yet to compensate you for? I mean maybe then it would be reasonable. Maybe you built a garage on the property on your own dime and a swimming pool in the back yard? Ok, I can see that justifying you being an owner of the house, otherwise, your either a gold digger or a naive little girl who throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way aka ultimatum and nagging. Which one is it?

Anonymous · Answer

I can understand where you’re coming from, but that being said I would definitely be annoyed and feel like I’m being pressured to make a decision that I may not be ready to make.

Women are rarely satisfied in relationships and always want to have some discussion about “where it’s going” or define “what are we.” Everything always has to be so goddamn explicit and talked about. Discussed.

If he wants to marry you, he will propose when he is ready. One thing for sure, the more you bug him about it, the more he will ask himself, “Do I REALLY want to marry her?” 🤔

Guy13 · Answer

I would have never moved in together. Now, you have to try to find a lease for 6 months that’s not in an efficiency with no rental history. If Marriage is a GO during that 6 month time you will have a falling out…lease may need to go 12 months so make sure that’s an option...

This is what happens when you “play Barbie House 🏡 “

Anonymous · Answer

Why would a guy put himself in a position to lose half his wealth? Do you realize how bad a deal marriage is for men right now? Divorce is more Han 50% and the courts heavily favored women. You even admit you feel unsecured because he owns the house so you want marriage in case things don’t work out. I’d advise you to move out or put his mind at ease by giving him a temporary prenup or something if you REALLY love him. I personally would never marry in ultimatum unless I had prenup or didn’t care about the risks. You already are prepared to breakup and planning it. So why wait?

Belgie · Answer

Never dive on a live grenade to save the person who primed and threw it.

You just demonstrated you're willing to destroy everything you had with him to get your own way.

A man *cannot* reward that behaviour by giving in, or she will just use it again to get her own way.

Any sane man will walk away and think himself lucky that she revealed her true nature before they got married.

RobT312 · Answer

I don’t deal with ultimatums well. I’d say no and pack your bags.

I’m not saying I’m disagreeing with your issue however. After 2.5 years and living together you should be talking about the future. At that point in my relationship, we both knew, talked about all sorts of relationship and future things, and the proposal came late only due to covid.

MysticDevice · Answer

I don't do ultimatums. They are disrespectful and unfair. If someone tried that on me they'd be out the door.

And don't rely on him like that to secure your future. You have to be secure in your own right so that if you two do eventually marry you both have something to bring to the table. You'll be way stronger as couple that way

Gent207-2 · Answer

He's not interested in marrying you send he will say whatever just to have sex and keep you happy. I would run for the hills asap before you waste 10 years unhappy

slatyb · Answer

You are right to set a decision date. You should have done that when you moved in. Are you sure you want to marry HIM, or do you just want to be married at some point?

BeMuse · Answer

I'd tell you to move out. I'd give you a few days to get your shit and get out. That's just an act of kindness.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

I think your concerns are very reasonable. I would respond positively to something like that.

genericname85 · Answer

I'd set her free. If she can't wait, i won't force her to waste time with me.

AndrésC64 · Answer

I don't respond well to threats/ultimatums. Anyone who does that is going to be disappointed in the outcome.

RandomGuy1030 · Answer

Move out bitch. What the fuck. If he owns the house and you're living there for free. How are you entitled to half of it for security? Nuts

Adronicus · Answer

Just like i do any ultimatum, go... yourself.

Waldoe · Answer

being Honest is always best... give him a chance to think about his options... and then you will have you answer

MangoBob · Answer

He is using you for sex, move on with your life, save up for an apartment and move out.

Shamalien · Answer

How old r u guys?

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Is your boyfriend @bamesjond0069 ? Lol

Anonymous · Answer

One word. "Goodbye"

How would you respond to a marriage "ultimatum"?

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How would you respond to a marriage "ultimatum"?

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