Should I give marriage ultimatum to my partner after 5 years?

Question

We’ve been together for nearly five years, We’ve lived together on and off during the pandemic, as I travel often to help with family. We do long-distance well and share compatible life goals. He’s a wonderful partner, but he resists change, whether it’s trying new foods or considering a move. He sticks to his comfort zone.

We’ve discussed marriage and kids multiple times, but lately, he’s expressed anxiety about these commitments, even though he sees me in his future. He’s not ready now, and I understand we’re at different life stages. However, I want a child, and my biological clock is ticking. Waiting for him to propose isn’t a viable option for me anymore.

I can’t decide. Should I walk away from a healthy relationship because he’s not ready to commit, or give him a deadline? I don’t want to push him into a proposal he might resent or manipulate him. But I need to prioritize my mental health and life goals.

osmanthus · Accepted Answer

Well, there is a lot to consider when two people decide to marry each other; shared assets, residence, bank accounts, family commitments, etc. And some professions that might demand a person strain a marriage can break a marriage (maybe his company or his venture requires him to move away). Living elsewhere and being married isn't easy for most couples as certain needs can go unmet, such as not having sex or else not having the company of each other or else limited ability to support the other, because of the logistics of distance and limitations of technology in communication. Change can be scary or else hard for some people as it brings upon stress that they otherwise wouldn't want in their lives.

Sometimes, we'll have to forego one to have the other. You might not get the marriage you always wanted, but you can have a child (whether that means you visit an in-vitro clinic or adopt or become a godparent). You don't have to marry the man, either, to have a baby by him (you can use his sperm to fertilize your egg) and, possibly, think of marriage later in life, too. There is no hard-and-fast rule that says you have to do everything in A-Z to get whatever you want, just that you won't have it all at once, and in the expected fashion and, maybe, if you don't get married, this might mean that you marry someone else whose more suited to you and the family you have in mind.

I think it's prudent for you to prioritize what you want and need in your life and if you absolutely cannot do without an offspring then you might have to tell him this. If you want the whole shebang in that order you had in mind of marriage, house, then kids, it might help to seek out the arranged marriage events after you've broken things off with him, formally, in writing or personally. Since you're willing to leave him, it might be an indicator to you to reevaluate your options because it doesn't seem to me that you're content with the situation.

Vesuvius87 · Accepted Answer

You made the mistake of sharing a house, sharing finances and accepting a life with him at the cost of nothing but free, unlimited access to sex and maid services. You should've never lived with a man you're not either engaged to with a wedding date or legally married, none of this "commitment ceremony but no recognition as real husband and wife" BS.

While things have gotten harder between the genders and the cost of marriage has increased, if he wanted then you would've already been a fiance in 2 years or less. 5 years and still just at girlfriend, the minimum level in a relationship, the beginner stage? He'll never marry you.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

It sounds like he keeps making excuses and delaying t things with you , especially after 5 years of being together , so at this point , you have to do what you feel is best for you , and tell him straight out , what you want and if he can’t give that to you? then you are best to walk away and find yourself someone that wants the same things as you. It sounds like your boyfriend needs a good kick in the ass to realize what he will be losing , if he keeps making excuses with you , some people are stubborn when it comes down to marriage and kids , so if he loves you and cares about you , he will make a decision on whether he wants to marry you or not or have babies , since your biological clock is ticking , you are probably best to ask to have a baby first and than you guys’ can talk about marriage if he is delaying with marriage , once a baby comes into his life , he more than likely will have a change of heart

V_Injector · Accepted Answer

My initial reaction to this question was to question why making the relationship a legal matter is important. I kept reading though... kids. I think you should talk to him about this.

Sit with him and explain your desire for children. Explain that you need to move on and find some baby gravy if he doesn't want to be a part of that. At the same time though...

Be aware of why a guy wouldn't want to. Expensive. I mean you could offer a deal... like lesbians and post-wall women do for my sperm. Releaif from the financial obligations could change a lot. Just something to consider. Don't expect his mind to change later on though.

Talk to him about it though... that's how you'll figure it out. Now I'll give you some pictures to laugh at.

Should I give marriage ultimatum to my partner after 5 years?

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Ah, the classic dance of love versus time. 🕰️💖 It sounds like you’ve got a love story that’s been weathering storms and long distances with grace. Now, tick-tock goes your internal clock, nudging you towards a future you’re eager to start building, foundation and all!

Giving an ultimatum sounds like a high-stakes romance novel climax, doesn’t it? But we’re in the reality chapter, my friend. Instead of dropping the "M" bomb (marriage ultimatum, that is) like it’s hot, consider this: Open your heart in a conversation that's as deep as your love for him. Share your desires, fears, and that ticking you hear. It’s not about cornering him into a decision but inviting him into your vision of the future.

Remember, love is about navigating together, not solo sprints to the altar. If he’s your wonderful partner in crime (the love kind, of course), he'll appreciate your honesty. And who knows? This might be the push he needs, not into something he resents, but into a future he’s just a bit timid to grab hold of.

However, if your paths seem stubbornly parallel, with no chance of merging, it might be time to consider walking your path solo. Not because the love isn’t there, but because love, darling, is also about wanting what’s best for yourself and your partner—even if that means paths diverge.

Good luck, and may your love story find its happily, committed ever after. 💑🌟

kylee2437 · Answer

You can find another guy that wants those things within the time he keeps thinking , thinking and thinking. I usually don’t says things like these, but considering you are 43, you are at an age where a guy is considerably too old to be playing these games

DishLady · Answer

Do you LOVE him? Is he COMMITTED to you? If so, what’s the difference whether you’ve had the big wedding or not?

If his love or level of commitment are in question, then yes make sure to offer an ultimatum.

XHopelessRomanticX · Answer

Giving an ultimatum is never a good way to start a marriage. If a guy doesn’t know whether or not he wants to get married after 5 years of dating, it’s time to walk away. You’re just not compatible.

AviatorTom · Answer

Why not just propose to him? That's less stressful than an ultimatum, and you'll find out how serious he is about the relationship.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

If he WANTED to be married to you, he would have already proposed.

derrick · Answer

Communication is super important in any relationship, especially with big decisions like marriage. You should have an honest chat with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. Try to approach it calmly and really listen to what he has to say. He might have reasons for pushing back the timeline—maybe he's worried about finances, his career, or just has some personal fears about marriage. By understanding his perspective, you create a space where he feels safe to open up without feeling pressured. This kind of mutual understanding can help you both navigate your future together better. Remember, it’s all about respecting each other's views and working together.

Purpleronnie · Answer

Shouldn’t there be an option where you try to discover the reasons he doesn’t want to commit or feels he can’t commit to you? .. is it commitment in general he doesn’t do? Or is it commitment with you? Is you traveling around Bd long distance a factor? Does he feel that he can tell you what he needs from you in order to feel secure enough to commit? . 5 years of an investment is a lot to gamble and for what , to start again. Needs honesty and compromise from both sides in my humble opinion and a whole lot of exploration into what you both need and want !

RavVid · Answer

Difficult. I can understand your imperative but also understand his reluctance. Quite simply it was easier when marriage was till death do us part than it is with no fault divorce and 8 year median duration marriages.

You are looking for a relatively short term gain. Short term as in a couple of years will give you what you want. Just a year could see you a mom.

He is possibly looking at this over a much longer time frame and at divorce stats - if he isn't, he should be. Assuming he is 45, he won't be able to recover from a divorce.

You probably need to talk about this elephant and maybe you can work something out between you. Prenups etc.

Anonymous · Answer

You could. Will it work? Probably not. If he marries you it’ll be for the wrong reasons. Plus I’m not trying to be an ass here but at your age if you’re looking to meet someone else to marry, not a very likely chance of it happening. I understand how you feel about marriage, but at the same time those are his feelings. His feelings should be validated. It’s not just about you. If it’s a healthy relationships I’d say stay. Marriage these days is more political, financial, not so much religious. Don’t need the gov’t getting involved.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like you want a child more than you want the wedding or is that you don't want to have a child out of wedlock?
Either way he seems to be communicating with you how he feels so that's good.
But the fact that you've discussed this and he knows that it's what you want and how important it is to you but he's still not willing to make it a priority, is enough of an answer. By the time he's ready it might be too late.
Maybe ask him what it is he's so anxious about because it's been 5 years. Ask him how long he's planning to make you wait. Let him know that you can't wait any longer.
But I mean if he's not ready then he's not ready. You've got decide if you want a child or if you want a child with him?

molonski2 · Answer

Your clock is ticking alright , its about to explode , but , for anyone who thinks they can set ultimatum's on a marriage , forget it , thats not up to you , he will decide when he is ready..

You dont say his age , if you are not happy with that , just leave , if you are older he's just a dude who wants a mother figure , you can't force him , just leave.

lightbulb27 · Answer

You have to push the issue and he has to either jump out of the plane w you or move on. That may rewuire pain and discomfort and introspection…but that is where the growth and future is.

From sound of it… move on since resists chsnge…but youd regret not giving your best effort. Needs immediate intensive but redpectful effort by both.

HawkPerception · Answer

Definitely give an ultimatum. It'll be an emotional talk where tears will likely be shed, but you want kids of your own and you'll regret having stayed with a guy that doesn't let you have that dream.

Add in that you know it's not easy for him, but life is all about change and going out of your comfort zone. But everything you've ever wanted in life is usually on the other side of fear.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

If you want different things from life then you have to leave. As you said, it's not fair to force him into making a decision, therefore it must come from you.

Of course, he might surprise you by asking you to marry him rather than lose you, but you'll always regret it if you do not do what is right for you.

katiesmuff · Answer

If you are truly 43 then yes you need to decide quickly what you want more children or a life with this guy married or not.

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

Each case is different and while generally people say the marriage ultimatum is a bad idea or why do you need marriage etc I think it's often necessary.

My mother did it with my father, they had 3 kids and have been married 30+ years and are about to retire together.

DizzyDesii · Answer

If he hasn't proposed in 5 years, i’d take it as he's not ready. I wouldn't even pressure him to propose. I’d leave him. I’d rather be single than continuously have my time wasted

JesseP1nk · Answer

Tough situation. I dont know maybe you both go to some sort of therapy. So he would not be scared of changes. The way i see it. If you two broke up he will need to deal with those anxiety issue in the future anyway. And for you... that does not bring your goal to have a child any closer. So i suggest you both go to therapy.

kmg9150 · Answer

Why do you insist on marriage? Will that make the lovd stronger? Will that guarantee no cheating? Is love freedom to leave but choosing to come back or is live bound by a government, religion and consequences?

melnc · Answer

It may be a difficult decision, but staying in an unsure relationship can be more damaging. Trust yourself, listen to your instincts, and take the necessary steps. I mean, you deserve something after all this years.

Caroline91 · Answer

I’m sorry but…how is this a healthy relationship when, after 5 years, he isn’t ready to commit?

Anonymous · Answer

That's a tough one, because giving an ultimatum rarely achieves the desired outcome, but if you want marriage, waiting 5 years is excessive.

I also understand his side, because marriage is a scary proposition for men today. Many men are just saying no to marriage because it's has become so risky for men, and the benefits are not what they used to be, and arguably do not offset all the risks anymore.

I would suggest YOU propose to him, and if he says no, dump him.

LiamJHayden · Answer

In your last paragraph you nailed the issue. If you give an ultimatum and he surrenders, it is possible he will resent you for it. But you have to do what is right for your life.

LazerBean · Answer

It's been 5 years. If he actually wanted to marry you, he would have done me so by now.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Ultimatums tend to backfire, so I wouldn't go there. However, you should consider walking away and finding someone more compatible.

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Any "ultimatum" in a relationship actually indicates that this relationship already has ended :)

Anonymous · Answer

Are you getting other interested parties knocking on your door? Some perfectly adjustable bridges are worth thinking twice about before burning them down to ruin.

msc545 · Answer

I think you should be grateful that you have a decent man and a good relationship and leave it at that. Marriage is not that important, but a good relationship is very important. Let it be and don't insist on something that is meaningless.

JHNS98 · Answer

Chloe's your words wisely. I don't think an ultimatum is the right way to go. It gives the wrong signals and might backfire on you really badly

Fireguy17 · Answer

only if you are truly prepared for the answer and act on your ultimatum, otherwise it means nothing and you are in worse shape than you were before.

Ladsin2 · Answer

If you've been together 5 years and it hasn't lead to marriage I think it means he's not serious about you, and you should move on.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

What do you REALLY want? A man? Or kids? Personally, I'd say give up on the kids and keep the man. You're already too old. At this point, any kids you have are going to have birth defects.

ICanSmellTheCosmos · Answer

If someone isn't willing to marry you after a year, then it's probably best to leave. They know by then whether or not the other person is a keeper.

888theGreat · Answer

I hate change too. Maybe if he thought you were ending things , he would come around. One problem is he got milk without buying the cow.

onedarkcloud · Answer

It is not healthy. It is pussy without responsibility. You have 5 years of invested time it is time for him to make up his mind. SHIT OR BLIND

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

I WOULDN'T DATE SOMEONE FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS

dsrice071966 · Answer

I would chat with him and find out why he is not proceeding forward, is he scared, nervous? See where his head is at, I don't think it will help to give an ultimatum

Anonymous · Answer

little too late to get kids now at 43 and to wait 5 years? talk about time being wasted

DextroShade · Answer

Your clock isn't "ticking", your time is up!

Jay-_- · Answer

Lemme make my opinion very simple, you should never give any type of altimatums.

Pterodon · Answer

Ultimatums only work if you’re ready to carry them out.

Centrum · Answer

Starting a marriage with an ultimatum doesn't sound very enticing. Not for you, not for him.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

Why not just propose to him yourself?

Anonymous · Answer

If you were “the one” he’d be ready. Men don’t play games with women they see a future with.

Anonymous · Answer

You don't reply.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Dude just wasted your time.

Twalli · Answer

Tell him that for you, thr future with him is now.

austinbooth · Answer

Honestly I don't think you should

noohair · Answer

Is Five years healthy for you?

OhLongJohnsoning · Answer

If you want a kid, you deserve a kid

rebeliouse · Answer

why do u exactly want to get married?

Anonymous · Answer

How old is he?

Dongie · Answer

Hell yeah!!

eagle1951 · Answer

oh hell yeah

Should I give marriage ultimatum to my partner after 5 years?

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