I got into a huge fight with my fiancé and need some advice?

[Anonymous]

We are saving for a few of life’s big things like a house and wedding etc.

I made a chart and put it on the wall so we could both assess each month where we were up to and progress. We both owed about 5k so had to pay that off first and the idea of the chart was so we could see exactly how much we owed at the start and how much we paid off each month. I’ve been doing this and he hasn’t… I asked him to update his part last night then he started making excuses and obviously didn’t want to write anything down. Then he said he owed money in an overdraft as well that he never mentioned before.

I got really mad and said he wasn’t being open and honest or doing what we agreed to do and I felt like his mom asking him to do this. He got mad at me and said he wasn’t worried about the chart because he knew he was going to have everything paid off by December. I said his super relaxed attitude was worrying me.

When the fight escalated, he said he paid more sometimes than me. This hurt a lot because I ALWAYS pay my half share and we take it in turns to pay whenever we go out. No ifs or buts this always happens. I am super conscious about things being equal between us. Mostly because I’m very independent and never want to feel like I owe anyone anything. He tried turning it around to say he meant sometimes he pays more and then some months I pay more but I knew exactly what he meant and the damage was done.

I ripped up the chart and said I don’t care anymore. We went to bed but I just feel horrible and so sad today. He asked if at any point I had felt like being done with him and everything when we were arguing but I said no. He asked if I was unhappy and to be honest and I said yes I was unhappy in the moment but not with him.

Has anyone ever had a big fight about money like this and have any tips?

thank you for reading

[Anonymous]

1. You made a chart.

2. You expected him to go along with the chart and fill it out.

3. When he didn’t you got upset.

I mean all of this honestly seems like you trying to control him. If you want to make a chart and that helps you, that’s great. There is nothing wrong with that. They can be helpful with goal setting.

But did he WANT to do it, or did you just go, “I made a chart so we can keep track of our payments”?

To be honest, I’d hate having to look at that chart. Discussing it. Filling it in. Having it looming there in the background showing my progress or lack there of. And all the while you’re just thinking, “MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY... gotta get that paid off, the chart, it’s gotta be filled in!”

We each pay off things in our own ways.

I understand this may just be your way of doing things. And it is also your way of holding him accountable. You get to see EXACTLY where he’s at. No man likes having his finances scrutinized or questioned. And now he’s “not being open” with you because he had an overdraft item he had to take care of that you felt he should have told you about.

And now you feel like his mom scolding him.

This is why men try to take care of things quietly. It’s also why he chafes at your chart and the accountability you’re forcing on him. It sets up a dynamic where you get to check on him, fuss at him, and potentially scold him.

Its no wonder you feel like a mom with a teenager. The chart was your idea, now you’re upset about how it has come between you two and changed how you feel towards him.

Its a good thing you made it. 🙄

[Asker]

It is now in the bin and we’re just taking it in our stride and not stressing. I’m just going to learn from it and be more chill about everything in future ☺️

[AviatorTom]

Welcome to relationships and fights over money, the most common thing couples fight about. There are always fights. The important thing to realize is compromise. Rarely is one of you right and the other wrong.

It's admirable that you two decided to save for big things, but it seems the chart on the wall was your idea, and he just went along with it. Then you attacked him for not doing his part, and he did what anyone would do... he fought back.

Find a nice quiet place together and have a talk with each other. More important than talking is listening. And ask yourself this question... what's more important? the money? or how you care about each other?

[Asker]

We’ve said today money isn’t important so that’s settled. I just feel super upset about his comment that he spends more than me. So I’ve said we should put an equal amount aside for our fun money and going out. That was everything is equal. He never used to be this was though and it makes me so sad. I feel like he’s changed into a different person

[AviatorTom]

You say it should be 50-50 setting aside money, but what does he say? In a relationship, it's important to hear, and discuss, both sides.

[SamIam96]

Every couple has fights. There are bound to be differences big and small. The important thing is how you behave and resolve them when they happen.

Reading your description, it's clear that the two of you aren't in sync on the approach to your finances - the chart. It also sounds like you're basically in agreement on the problem and how to solve it -- aggressive paying down.

It's difficult to do in the heat of the moment, but that's the time that you need to find common ground and discuss solutions. I wish you had decided to discard the charting idea before things got heated. Your boyfriend clearly didn't see its value even though he's paying down, although differently than you are.

Talk to him and apologize for your role in the argument. Tell him that you don't have to maintain a chart. Ask for his ideas how to track progress.

[Asker]

I’ve said we don’t have to have a chart anymore. I just can’t trust him because he’s not open and honest with me and that’s the problem. Another huge issue for me is the fact he brought up that he thinks he pays more than me. It’s absolutely not true. And it’s hurtful for him to even say that. I’m hurt he’s keeping tabs. I feel myself getting further and further away from him. He never would have said that to me at one time. He just wanted to see me happy

[boggboss]

No I and my fiancée haven't argued over money whilst we are saving for a place and a wedding although we are not so strict as it seems u guys where

[Asker]

We live in a dump and need to get out asap

[boggboss]

We both still live with our parents as its the only feasible way for us to save

[Asker]

That wasn’t an option for us

[boggboss]

I'm sorry to hear that

[jshm2]

To be fair it's probably best to break up as it's obvious you're both not on the same page to maintain a marriage.

[Asker]

That’s what I’m trying to avoid though

[Jamie05rhs]

He was wrong. He should have been honest with you from the very beginning.

You shouldn't have ripped up the chart, though. I hope you realize that that was immature and counterproductive. We all have to find ways to manage our anger.