He's not ready for a relationship

[Anonymous]

What does it mean when a guy says he's not ready for a relationship right now? He said he cares for me, doesn't want to hurt me and thinks we should stop having sex for now. He wants to keep dating me and isn't seeing anyone else. What gives? Should I stick around?

Updates

+1 y

Thank you all for your answers. I've decided that if a man doesn't know what he wants then he should go figure it out on his own. I'm constantly being hit on by men. If he wants to risk losing me, then he doesn't see my worth. I'll still be his friend because I genuinely like him. That being said, I'm not going to be a push over waiting for him to be "ready".


I told him he should go date other people. When he sees what's out there, I guarantee he'll be back. Will I be waiting? Nope

Updates

+1 y

To clarify my update... I will continue being his friend because, I really like him but, this is something he needs to work out on his own. I need to worry about myself too. I don't want to be hurt. This could be his way of letting me down but, who knows. I can't wait around just to end up being disappointed. I have to keep my options open just in case.

Updates

+1 y

I ran into a guy I went on a few dates with on my way to work. We're going out tonight. I really need a distraction. I'm going to have to keep myself really busy so, I can stop over thinking this.

Updates

+1 y

Well, I think it's definitely over. I haven't heard from him since the last email. The first one got an instant reply and the next one... NOTHING! I know he's seen it by now because, he's been online. This really freaking sucks but, I guess it's better now than later?!?!?! I better go get ready for my date. I wish I was going with him. **sigh**

Updates

+1 y

Well, we talked a couple times since my last post. I've also been on 3 dates (dif. guys) since then. This is the first weekend we didn't spend together since we met. My phone died on him last convo. He tried to call back but, I fell asleep. Called him back few hrs later, no answer no call back either (that was Sunday). After dating these other ppl, the more I realize I miss him. What to do now? :(

[Tamikaze]

What this means is this guy likes you but he does not love you and he is feeling guilty enough about it to want to stop having sex. It could also be his way of slowly ending whatever you two have going on.

I see that you mention he has financial problems and obviously stress from that. In my experience, when a guy feels a lot for a woman, even financial problems are not enough to keep him from wanting a relationship. In fact, he will look to the relationship to be his refuge from what is causing him stress. My fiance had and still has some very difficult financial issues as well as child custody and child support matters. Regardless he pursued me like crazy and continues to want to be with me even when he feels amazingly down and stressed at times. I am the thing that keeps him positive, that gives him motivation to keep dealing with all the stress.

So, it is up to you to just wait it out and see what happens. I have personally not seen something like this turn into a passionate love, but you do not sound ready to throw in the towel, so why not wait it out?

[Tamikaze]

Your updates are spot on. It is his deal, not yours, and he should have the space he needs to resolve it.

[Asker]

I have to thank my mom, cousin and people on this site for that. My mom was pretty harsh with me. Basically, said snap out of it and stop crying over a guy I hardly know. I really needed a reality slap big time.

[Tamikaze]

Wow, your mom is good. About 20 years ago I had to help my mom deal with the loss of a long-term relationship and basically I had to use a dose of tough reality as well as support her to get busy with other things. She thanks me to this day AND she met a great guy 10 years ago that treats her like a queen. It's all about holding out for the guy who truly adores us.

[SEG0151]

Let go of him. Generally this means he doesn't want a relationship with YOU. I know it's really, really hard to ignore the things he is saying and just walk away but you need to. It's better for him and you. There probably isn't anything wrong with being his friend, as long as you can do it detached from him.

I am a little confused that he wants to date you but not have sex. That's kind of odd. I would just be friends. Try to make when you hang out as little like a date as possible and slowly pull away from this gentleman and find someone who won't make you ask these questions. :) Good luck!

[Niko-r]

Same thing happened to me but I fought for him, let me tell you it was a waste of time, your decision to let it go and move on is the best one from my experience I got my heart broken in the end, I wish I would have moved on while I had the chance. Do you, like you said if he can't appreciate you, someone better and more deserving will. He will realize what he lost in time.

[Asker]

Yes, I agree.

[Tamikaze]

The part I do not agree with is that he will realize what he lost in time. They never do. The problem is that they did not value what they had in the first place so they never regret losing what they did not value. I only add this because it helps make it easier to move on from someone when we really see the truth of their total lack of treating you as you want and should be treated. It is all about moving on to finding someone who thinks you are amazing.

[deadman]

I can't really answer your question, but if it helps I'm in a similar situation - just switch the roles! I have tried telling this girl I've been seeing I need to move on because she just can't give me what I want and that we should have no contact. I said this to her about 2 months ago and yet, still she keeps initiating contact. I feel like I'm her emotional punch bag. It's a sh*t situation to be in, because you have absolutely no closure. If I liked a girl, I would be with her regardless... I'm afraid that we both need to do the same thing...(as hard as it is for me to type this) move on.

[Asker]

He didn't say he wants to move on. He said he's not ready but, wants to keep seeing me without being physical because, he cares about me. You're right though, if he liked me enough, he would be with me.

[InAmberClad117]

He means what he's saying. honestly.. I broke up with an amazing girl because I realized I couldn't care for her as best as she deserved and as I required. She's happier now, and I would have like to be able to stay with her, but the truth is, I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. We're still friends, except her new boyfriend is a total B1+(# to me and threatens me if I talk to her, but whatev.. lol

He's being honest I'd assume. so trust him, and just wait. =)

[Asker]

I believe he's being honest too but, I won't be twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to figure his sh*t out. I'll be here to support him but, not waiting.

[DishLady]

The nice thing about some guys is that they tend to mean what they are saying.

This one is not ready for a relationship with you right now. He may care, but he's not ready for "forever" -- so instead of playing around for a few months then dumping you he is good enough to tell you up front that you two should abstain from sex, which will only make things more complicated down the road.

NO, you should not stick around. He says he does not want a relationship with you... At least he knows enough to be honest about it.

[InAmberClad117]

lol Sounds like you're realizing that you're really after this guy. I know how you feel, 'cause it happened to me. you can't go back to him unless you know you're going to wait for him, otherwise It'll keep happening with you leaving then coming back.

It's up to you to figure out. We're just here to give our opinions. =)

Honestly? I feel like he's a good guy and you should keep dating him to the extent he's comfortable with. If he truly loves you he'll come around and figure it out. =)

[Asker]

I'm so sad. I can't call him again. I hope he misses me too and calls back. I don't want to date other people. I keep thinking about him the whole time I'm with these other guys. One even commented that I'm really quiet and I am the furthest thing from a quiet chick. We were only together under 3 mths why am I so crazy about him? UGH!

[InAmberClad117]

lol I'm sorry.. Didn't he want to keep dating you, just without... wait, 3 months and you were already sleeping with him? >_> well there's a problem. that's way to fast I feel. but beside the point. lol

Well not really actually. That's pushing a relationship REALLY fast I think. I'd be glad to just be kissing a girl by then, I doubt I'd even want to be touching by then. lol

[Asker]

He did want to keep dating but, I got mad (internally), started distancing myself, acting like I was so cool and too busy for him. If he doesn't come back, I'm definitely waiting before sleeping with the next guy. DAMN IT! I hate dating.

[InAmberClad117]

hahaha aw.. don't beat yourself up over it! =P You should definitely talk to him about it though. =) Just tell him you were wrong and would like to try again and see if he wants to go out for an evening again soon. Don't push it hard. It will take time trying to regain his trust since you did kinda leave him without much cause.

(I know, I've done kinda the same thing.. but thankfully my girl was dedicated and waited for me... =) I didn't deserve it, but somehow people find the grace to forgive)

[Asker]

I already called him but, he won't call back. I don't think I should try again. I tried again yesterday. didn't leave a msg. I have to just leave it.

[InAmberClad117]

Just give it a day or two, but next time.. I don't know what your situation is, but if you can just stop by to actually see him, he can't just ignore you and will have to confront his feelings.

[Asker]

I'll just wait. He's probably pissed at me and dating too. Hopefully, he'll have the same experience I did and come back.

[InAmberClad117]

I hear ya.. but you'll never know unless you go to him at some point.

[Asker]

When someone ignores 2 phn calls, I think it's a clear indication that they either don't want to talk to you, or teaching you a lesson. Either way, give him his space. No?

[InAmberClad117]

lol Very true. =)

[Asker]

I'm officially a spaz. We just talked and everything was normal. :) I'm definitely not discussing my other dates and not going out with anyone else til we figure out what we're doing. Thanks for your support.

[Shaun]

Whenever someone says "I'm not ready for a relationship", the "with you" is silent.

[Asker]

I believe him though. He is having financial issues now and talked at length with me about it. He has also been brutally honest with me about everything.

[Shaun]

So the only thing that's changing is that the sex is going to stop?

[Asker]

More or less, I just wanted to know what this means from a guys perspective. Is he trying to get out without hurting me?

[Shaun]

Possibly, what Tamikaze says could very well be true, but the flip side is that men can also view it as not wanting to be in a relationship until they are on stable financial ground... that can go either way.

[confusedgirl198]

When he stated he didn't want a relationship with you in his mind he has already realized he may loose you to someone else but ultimatley doesn't care, regardless of personal reasons if we love someone we get in relationship as we are afraid to loose them and can't imagine not having them around. Sorry to burst your bubble sweetie he's using you as backup he wants the single life and you to be there incase it all goes wrong, move on and find someone that wants YOU and ONLY YOU :)

[InAmberClad117]

I disagree. you're one "confusedgirl" XP

haha pun intended.

(I know that was lame. shush. X) )

[Shaun]

@update your attitude makes me wish I didn't waste my time talking to you. Next time act like a total bitch upfront instead of in an update. Thanks :D

[Asker]

Confused girl you are so right. He's willing to lose me to another man. This is a clear indication that he doesn't see me as a keeper or else he thinks he can have me whenever he wants. Because, I'll be waiting. Sorry mister, you're wrong.

[Shaun]

You're in your 30's better get a move on because you're about used up. :D

[Asker]

Thanks Shaun. :) I'm getting used up? Guess what? I don't plan on having kids and get men from 25 and up hitting on me all the time. I look 10 years younger than I am and very fit. I still get I'D everywhere I go. Anyway, I still care for the guy but, just don't want to wait around just to end up being hurt. What's so wrong with that?

[Shaun]

Nothing is wrong except your callous attitude. Since you showed your true nature in your update, I'm thinking the man is smart to dial it back, go slut around while you can, sounds like you have a couple of good years left. : )

[Shaun]

It's like what InAmberClad said, it's possible that he doesn't feel like he could give you what you deserve, and for this consideration your response is to say "f*** him, I'm hit on all the time", I mean GOD what a shallow B. :D

[Asker]

I was very hurt when I wrote that comment. I really like the guy and stopped seeing other people to be with him. Now, I have to be careful with my heart because, I don't know what will happen. I care about him and want to be there from him. I will be supportive regardless but, not in a desperate sort of way. Make sense?

[Shaun]

You're probably right. sorry for being harsh.

[InAmberClad117]

Wooh! An Internet argument actually concluded in a somewhat decent manner! I'm proud of you guys. ^-^

[Asker]

Yes, it's unusual isn't it? I was being a bit b*tchy out of pain and Shaun called me out on it. No biggie

[Shaun]

Well, don't shortchange your new date. lol

[Asker]

I really don't even want to go. I wish things were different but, I have to make myself do stuff so I'm dwelling on it.

[Shaun]

I'm really sorry I gave you a hard time. You seem really nice.

[Asker]

Thank you. It's OK. I have a bad habit of using this aggressive defense mechanism. I'm really a wuss inside. LOL! I wish he would just call or answer my email. SOMETHING! :(

[Anonymous]

He has problems and he doesn't want to hurt you by getting too attaached to him. He wants to solve that problems first so he can be a better person first before getting involved too deep with you. In my opinion, he is a very decent and honest man. Don't lose him, just give him time :)

[Asker]

He is a very decent person. That's why I was attracted to him in the first place. No matter what, I will be his friend. He's a great guy. Will I wait for him to love me? No

[bsorensen78]

I am going through something similiar, so I can't wait to see how people answer this question. I do wonder if the guy you are talking about was recently in a relationship that went bad? It's frustrating when you are ready to take the relationship to the next level, and he's not ready or doesn't want to. Good luck.

[meesh1220]

Kudos to you for putting YOU first! We all have a tendency to forget about what we want/need because we're busy trying to please the one we're with. That's when we really need to ask ourselves: Well what if he never changes? Then all the time spent waiting has been time you can never get back. Good for you!

[Asker]

Exactly! I told my mom about this and she said "Stop acting desperate. If he can't see how fabulous you are he's not the one for you. Focus on yourself". She thinks my ex did a real # on my head because, I wouldn't normally care this much.

[meesh1220]

OMG! My mom told me the same thing! And if a guy wants to be with you he wouldn't want to let you go, no matter how hard things can be. He should be fighting tooth and nail for you!

[Asker]

Moms are so wise. Gotta love 'em

[meesh1220]

Yep! =)

[Sapphires4Life]

Now, I'm assuming that the guy might be telling the truth. But, you shouldn't wait for him, like what a lot of people are saying. Don't wait for him, because you're only going to miss out on a lot of other hot guys out there. You're head is in the right place, it seems. Try to keep it there. IF the guy starts coming back... just let the chips fall where they may. See what happens, but don't hold yourself short when it comes being happy with a different guy.

[Shiner4]

This prob comes out harsh but he's not in to you. It's an excuse for him to try and not hurt your feelings. You're too good for that so move on and put your energy into someone who really is ready and is into you.

[Asker]

Thank you. I'm OK now. I ran into a guy I used to date this morning on my way to work. We're going dancing tonight. :)

[Shiner4]

That sounds Awesome! I hope you had a blast =)

[Anonymous]

It means he's not into you and this is his nice of way of saying that. he's putting the fault onto himself and not you to spare you the embarrassment. I don't think you should stick around because I feel like it's just pity dates now and not real dates

[Anonymous]

I'm curious as to what happened. I'm in a similar situation. I broke things off with the guy I was seeing because he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. It's been a week of no contact. I know I won't call him or text him first, because I'm really stubborn. lol

[stacks18]

It means he's not ready for a relationship. Guys usually mean what they say. For whatever reason he is just not ready right now

he probably cares for you otherwise he wouldn't suggest not sleeping together he knows you like him but he doesn't want to hurt you.

when a guy is ready to date you.. he will make it happen. he might just need some time and if not then move on.

[Asker]

Yes, you're right. He might need some time but, I can't wait for a maybe situation. I will be supportive though. I really care about him as a person

[Rashad]

If you really like him then you should be there for him. He wants to date you but not have sex, he is not breaking up with u. The other guys that are hitting on you just want to get in your pants maybe 10% of them want to date u

[Asker]

I'm so confused. Some people say he's trying to break up. He was heart broken recently and dumped for other men 2x, he's not happy with where he is in his life plus his ex is contacting him. Does this change your answer?

[Rashad]

I am almost in the same situation except for getting dumbed part. I am not ready to have a another person in mylife... and no my answer doesn't change. Stick around him for couple of month and see how things go.

[Asker]

Well, I sent an email yesterday morning suggesting he see his ex, and date other people to make sure he's doing the right thing. Basically, get it out of his system. I also said, I'm willing to be his friend regardless. I haven't received a reply or phone call. I think it was his way of dumping me but keeping me around as a back up

[daytrader]

He probably thinks you just dumped him from that message. If you tell him to see other people, doesn't this mean you don't really care about the relationship? I mean, if you loved him you wouldn't do that, right? Him pushing you away might have been his way to seeing how much you cared about him. Obviously you failed the test, so it wasn't love... which was probably what he was looking for. Pride gets in the way of love... you are too proud to take the chance of your ego being wounded.

[daytrader]

And I'm not saying this to be judgmental... because we all make the same mistakes when most of the time it is easiest on everyone if we are just open and honest instead of playing games so that our ego is not hurt. I've done it dozens of times myself and it is the #1 reason why I am single right now.

[Asker]

Hopefully it's not a test because, that would be game playing. If told him straight several times how I feel about him. I also show him through my actions. He's a 35 year old man shouldn't he know what he wants by now? His message to me makes me feel as if HE doesn't care. I have to protect myself right?

[daytrader]

Like you said... if he has had bad/scarring experiences he going to be very risk adverse. He is "playing games" to protect himself. One of you has to break through the emotional walls that are up... If no one takes a chance of being hurt, then the relationship ends. It takes more than just telling someone you care and being affectionate, you have to pass the inner "tests" they have before they can really trust you. It is not really game playing, everyone does it at least subconsciously.

[Asker]

I don't know what to think. He hasn't tried to contact me since the email so, if/when he calls, I'll be my regular self. I also, have been hurt so, I understand if he's being cautious. I will be his friend, continue to see him but, will not be comfortable letting my walls down for a while after this blow to my face.

[daytrader]

You should have been honest with yourself and how you feel before you wrote the letter. That letter you wrote did not seem like a soul-searching reflection of your inner feelings. What you did was game playing as well. It seems like you both care about each other, so it would be foolish to end the relationship like this. What you have is a lot more rare than you might think.

[Asker]

That's what I thought too. I'm not a kid anymore and have dated a few men, and had 4 long term, serious relationships (2 engagements). So, I know a good thing when I see it. When he said he wasn't ready it was hurtful because, he also said he felt a connection. Hopefully time will tell. Out of curiousity, based on what you've read why do you say it's rare?

[daytrader]

Well it's rare for me.. I have only had one relationship where I had any real connection, but it didn't work out in the end.

[daytrader]

well it's rare for me... I have only had one relationship where I had a real connection, but it didn't work out in the end.

[Asker]

Why didn't it work out? Do you miss her?

[daytrader]

She was from another country and neither of us wanted to leave our own country so it became a long distance relationship and it fell apart. Yeah I miss her, but sometimes the circumstances are too difficult to overcome.

[Asker]

I see. Yea, that's a really hard one to overcome. I was contemplating returning to my home when I met this guy. He doesn't know that he had a lot to do with my decision to stay.

[MrsJones7]

I think he is a very respectful and good person because he lets you know upfront. Most guys lack his honesty and you should be respectful in return and step back.

[Asker]

Yes, this is what I'm doing.

[snowboarder720]

he might want to live the single life before he gets into a committed relationship. Speed up the process and start dating other guys and see how he handles it.

[Asker]

He swears he's not dating anyone else and won't until we clear up what we're doing

[InAmberClad117]

That's a good idea.

[Coolguy708]

is he going thorugh a rough time right now I act like that sometimes when I've got somthing on my mind you should talk to him about it

[Asker]

Yes, he's going through a hard time. He was pouring his heart out to me this weekend about his concerns with his life, etc. He's really unhappy with where he is at this moment in comparison to his friends, etc. He thinks he's too far behind. When I look at him, he seems to be doing very well but, he wants more.

[Coolguy708]

yeah I would say its you just us guys when we have stuff on our minds sometimes we like to shut everything out and hide what were really feeling that's what my ex girlfriend told me anyway she ask why do I hide what I'm really feeling and we just sat down and talked about it but yeah if he's going through a rough time right now just be there for him and let him know that he's not alone and that your there for him and stuff

[Asker]

I sent him an email yesterday morning saying he should see his ex and other people to be sure. I also said, I'll be here for him. No answer or phone call yet. I really think he was dumping me in not so many words.

[Coolguy708]

why did say he should see his ex

[Asker]

He told me she's been contacting him and he hasn't acted on it. Apparently he's not as over her as he thought because he found himself thinking about her from time to time. So, I said maybe you should go see her and figure it out. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that has unfinished business. Was this a bad move?

[Coolguy708]

no it was actually the right thing to do its a good thing you told him to go talk to her to see what's up that way you will know and he will know your right no point in being with someone if 1 there not over there ex or 2 its better to sort things out to see what his ex wants so you won't be in the middle of things

[Asker]

That's exactly why I did it. If we decide to move forward, I don't want this person popping back in the picture.

[Coolguy708]

yeah you made the right choice :)

[hoodni99a]

it means he's bullsh*tting his ass off, if he was into u, he would b excited to be with u. if he says that, he's just making a poor excuse

[Asker]

I don't know anymore. I have to take care of myself

[daytrader]

How long have you guys been seeing each other? Maybe he is afraid that you guys are progressing too quickly to marriage, and he is not ready for it... he might want to get a better job first or be more financially secure.

[Asker]

Only 3 months. So, marriage isn't in the picture at all. He keeps talking about his plans for the future though.

[Anonymous]

Just stop dating men you don't feel, and next time date a guy you actually give a f**k about.

Remember it isn't good to start dating again right after a breakup. First let your whole self heal so you can feel better next time you date.

[Asker]

Yea. I'm not doing it anymore. I was dating just cause, I was mad. They were decent guys but, I wasn't ready AT ALL

[rallz93]

maybe you should stick around , but not for too long !

[Asker]

I will stick around as a friend. I really like him as a person not just as a lover. If he comes around, and I'm still available, we'll deal with it at that time.

[meesh1220]

Noooo! Stop wishing you were with him! This is a new chapter in your life! Welcome it! Have fun!

[Asker]

I had a good time with my date and my ex (1st love + ex fiance) called me. So, I have 2 guys that already know me, see my worth and want to have another chance within 2 days. I really needed this confidence boost. I don't how I'll react if/when the other guy shows up. I might actually really have moved on if things continue at this pace.

[meesh1220]

I was hung up on my ex for almost a year and a half after he broke up with me. He finally text me in response to my text to him and said "I'm not going to answer your texts anymore. Goodbye (name) I hope things go well for you". All I told him was that I wished him happiness with the girl he was "hanging out" with. He also knew about my new guy...even wanted to know his name. ?Don't know if the reality of me finally moving on hit him or what. But they made a choice to let us go.

[InAmberClad117]

lol Just in case... I understand, and I think it is a very prudent move on your part. =)

[Asker]

I was not nasty about it at all. I simply told him that he should date other people to be sure of what he's looking for. No sense in both of us sitting on our hands being confused. I will still be there for him just in a different way.

[AmberChick]

He's looking around seeing what's better. To him, you are just an option

[Asker]

I don't think that's the case. Regardless, I'll let him be his own person and be supportive as a friend

[candlewax]

Pfft. He has no effing idea what he wants right now.

[Anonymous]

WOW, he's in his 30's and not ready for a relationship?!

That's good that you're not willing to be waiting on him. ;-)

[Asker]

The guy has been hurt a lot in the past and claims he's not ready. Whichever way, that doesn't look to good for me. I will be a friend but, won't be waiting for all eternity for him to decide

[Opinion Owner]

Good job!

[Anonymous]

That he is not intersted in a comitted relationship.

[meesh1220]

How long have you been dating?

[Asker]

almost 3 months. He said this because I asked to define the relationship

[meesh1220]

Ok. How is everything else? Do you feel he is becoming a bit distant with you? Have things changed as far as the time he's spending with you, the intimacy? I think if he wanted out and didn't feel anything for you anymore than he would just say it. At least this is how my ex ended things with me. If he's having financial issues, I think he wants to become more stable with that before becoming serious with you. It's a pride thing with guys.

[MahJaY]

If you believe him then just give him time.

[Asker]

He can have all the time he needs. In the meanwhile, I'll go do my own thing. If he can't see my value and is willing to let me go into another mans arms.. he is not for me. However, I'll be supportive from a distance.