Why do certain men take back a woman that cheated?

[SarahS98]

My own father took back my mother long ago in 1992. She was just his girlfriend of 3 years at the time. She got caught with his former best friend in his own house. The friend was forever blocked. He still married her in 1996. Sure he got back at her (revenge affair) in 2000 but confessed out of guilt. They're still together and apparently have long reconciled by now.

Both of my parents were attractive back in the days. Yeah he was cute. My father didn't seem like the guy that had issues in the dating world nor talking to people. Most men would've dumped her for that.

There was a question about why women take back cheaters. Now I'm wondering why do certain men (like my dad) take back a woman that cheated? Any logical explanation?

Updates

+1 y

I got that information from his private journal. I wasn't suppose to read his stuff but curiosity got the best of me.

[bean2k21]

Your father was a rational person. Only coo-coo idiots even use words like 'cheating.' They have no idea about the facts: the reason why you get so upset about it has nothing to do with 'true love.' It's a primal instinct to want your DNA to survive as opposed to the other man's. When, in reality, birth control has evolved faster than our monkey minds have. The fact of the matter is, every man in the world has a ding dong and every woman has a vagina. There isn't much difference between banging one nice vagina and another. It's called biology. So, if a penis happens to be there instead of my penis, get over it, they're everywhere. Why get upset when she's probably not going to procreate with him anyway?

[SarahS98]

That's a weird explanation right there. By logically, men are more concerned about a PA than an EA while several women get more hurt if the man ends up falling in love with the other woman.
I don't understand the point of cheating to be honest nor the point of taking back the cheater.

[bean2k21]

Well, the point of cheating is that sex feels good. My argument sounds weird to you because you've never thought about it. What is the root cause of why people get upset about cheating? Hurt, betrayal, jealousy? Sure, but what does this stem from? The animals from which we evolved were hardwired to get angry about cheating because it threatens the survival of one's DNA. Anger is a nothing more than a surge of adrenaline to take action to ensure one's survival. Perhaps that has evolved into a modern thing called 'emotions.' But that is root cause and it's irrefutable fact. In my opinion, just recognize where the anger comes from: your monkey mind painting a dark picture of someone because your DNA feels threatened. It's unscientific to think of it in any other way than an evolution of primal instincts.

[KayMay]

Are you coo-coo?

[SarahS98]

@KayMay
This is what I was thinking. His explanation is focusing that we humans are meant to screw around. That doesn't make sense.
It's logical that getting cheated on destroys trust.

[KayMay]

@asker,
Not to mention, he said only coo-coo people use the word cheating, and then he said the same word in his next post.

[FilmGuy93]

Love is a powerful thing. And I think most people who give cheaters a second chance realize that affairs don’t just happen in a bubble. It’s fucked up, but I think it’s quite true; generally speaking, when you get cheated on, there’s something you pretty clearly could have done to prevent it.

If you really deeply love someone and have the ability to look passed their mistake, the people who take cheaters back are usually looking to also improve their own behavior.

[SarahS98]

yeah they love each other in their own unique style. He forgave and she never cheated ever again, has been faithful ever since.

[FilmGuy93]

There you go! Sometimes making it work is about just deciding that this person is your person, and that’s that. Other times, making it work is a hurculean struggle that is doomed to fail. No two relationships are the same

[FreyaRed]

I think someone who would never cheat won't forgive a cheater. On the other hand seeing everything just in black and white isn't smart and there are circumstances which make cheating for some people acceptable.
My parents were separated after my birth three years long, I'm sure lot of thing happened in this time.

[SarahS98]

Sorry to hear about your parents. A bunch of my friends who come from broken homes actually think we're the perfect family. They wished they had my life instead.
I only found this out after reading dad's journal. I never knew they had a long ago affair.

[BlueScorpio]

Love makes you do crazy things, when you're in love with someone it's hard to remove red tinted glasses when you see them. Other than that, some people are scared to be alone and start over from scratch.

[SarahS98]

yeah they have a weird way of loving each other. They're now 50 year-olds and seemed happy with each other. Oh well. They've been great parents to me and my twin sisters but as for the infidelity history, I'll never understand the point of cheating.
Also, I don't understand the point of all the dedication, effort and time it takes to cheat and lie (it's all calcuated after all) only to then make a 360 turn when caught and beg to be taken back.

[BlueScorpio]

A lot of people take for granted what they have. I think they know arelationship with the person they cheated with last long either, so they return to their spouse. Hopefully they actually forgave each other and really moved on

[SarahS98]

yeah they've long worked it out. Growing up, I don't even remember a single incident where they had issues. By the time I started forming memories, all I ever knew was a stable house and loving parents.

[BlueScorpio]

That's wonderful, every child should have such memories 😊 ❤️

[Valso]

Cuz they're weak. They think something's gonna change but that's a wishful thinking. Women can't keep their legs closed and if she cheated once, she'll cheat again and the first time it happened because she wanted to cheat and she doesn't care about him at all. A woman who actually cares about her partner will first think about how it will affect the man.

But such a woman doesn't exist (one that cares about her man), so I can't say I'm surprised. Cuz women don't marry men because of love for the men, they marry men for their money. Hence, they don't care about the man's feelings.

[SarahS98]

But if it was for the money then wouldn't my mom be filing for divorce after my dad cheated in 2000 (out of revenge), be a hypocrite by not forgiving him and proceeded. She didn't do that. She stayed (according to dad's journal, she was lenient on him, forgave him faster and even felt it was deserved) and still staying till the end. My parents are 50 years old now.

[Valso]

He must have had something worth the sacrifice - a patrimony or inherited money. Or a huge dick like Henry's from "Treasure of Nadia", if you will. No woman stays with a man for no reason or because she loves him, there's always a reason!

[SarahS98]

I usually bash cheaters but since it's my mom, I would like to think it's possible she did learned her lesson (there is a chance certain people can change for the better, change their life around for the good), really did regret it and has been faithful to him ever since.
Growing up, all I ever saw and knew was a stable household and loving parents. Before reading dad's journal, my image of my mom was of a devoted mother and wife (great cook too... better than me lol), the ideal most men would want nowadays.

[loveslongnails]

My guesses are:
* they've cheated themselves and didn't get caught
* they don't want to start looking for someone new for a whole variety of reasons
* they loved the sex
* they feel like they can have control and use it to guilt trip and manipulate her

[SarahS98]

The last happened. In his journal he explained that he had a revenge affair years later in 2000 (I was just 2 at the time) and mom was lenient on him, forgave him faster. She thought it was deserved. If she said anything (it did still hurt her) about his cheating, he used to throw the ''you did it first with my friend'' in her face. Then he made a permanent deal with her. The deal was if she said nothing about his cheating, then he'll shut up about what she did.

[loveslongnails]

And there's your answer.

[SarahS98]

I'm impressed dad kept to his words. As soon as she agreed and dropped the subject about his cheating, he followed as promised, never brought it up again and focused on the family.

[TheFlak38]

When sexual marketplace is rigged in favour of women most men are too desperate and lonely to tell a cheater to fuck off. The story of your father is not even one of the extreme ones. It seems to be too vanilla. Men today put up with women who are a lot worse with the worst consequences you can imagine.

[SarahS98]

So returning to your house early and seeing your girlfriend cheating with your so called best friend (likely no clothes on) on your couch is vanilla to you?
It didn't seem like my father was the type of guy with low self-esteem. He was attractive too when he was young. Why would an tall (he's 6'1), attractive guy have issues in the dating world? It was the 1990's back then.

[TheFlak38]

Yes it's vanilla. It's the lowest bar possible.

[SarahS98]

What can be worse than that?

[TheFlak38]

Emotional blackmail, never be allowed to see your friends, never be allowed to have your hobbies, getting divorce raped, false rape accusations, your children being taken away from your, your house being taken away from you, lies spread to your friends and family and your boss and losing your job as a consequence, have fun living on the streets now. Men today put up with all this bullshit because they desperate IDIOTIC beta male orbiters.

[SarahS98]

Wow that's a bunch of list. In that case then ok, you got a point. My mother is a saint in comparing to those women. When dad cheated on in 2000 (they were married by then), yeah I she could've been a hypocrite and divorced him but she didn't. She actually was lenient with him (even thought it was deserved) and reconciled faster.
I actually hate the divorce raped cases. I don't understand why should anyone get monetary incentive for just divorcing. I can understand if the woman was a true abused victim (if a husband beats her then yes, he deserves to get dried out of his money... abusers suck) of if he was having affairs ok but just for divorcing, nope.

[Anonymous]

“I got that information from his private journal. I wasn't suppose to read his stuff but curiosity got the best of me.”

I wish I could understand why women are so nosey. It’s just this thing you have, you just can’t help yourselves or something. It’s bizarre. I dated a woman once whose curiosity got the better of her and she read my private journal.

Now I write in code.

[SarahS98]

yes most of us are nosey and can't help it. Though now I regret reading it. Prior to this, I though I've been raised by the ideal, perfect family a couple of my friends keep saying.

[SarahS98]

I never heard nor saw them having issues that yes, reading all that took me by surprise.

[Anonymous]

Men get used to their woman, their routines, their joint history, and she's probably learned a lot about him so the relationship has a lot of momentum. If it was a reasonable relationship before, and he can see further potential after, why not see where it leads. Doesn't matter whether there are other options or not sometimes.

[SarahS98]

True. I guess he saw potential in her and the relationship.

[KayMay]

There's a saying that no change occurs, until it is too uncomfortable to not change.

There's a Doc Watson song where he mentions that his hound dog is laying on a thorn, but he's too tired to get up.

[SarahS98]

So it's likely they're too comfortable (staying with the female cheater) and love too much what they have that they're unwilling to change?

[KayMay]

That's my theory. It's easier to forgive her, than start over.

[Noahzaid]

I think I have read one of your old posts!

If that was you too, Are you having a hard time forgetting about it?

because I got a feeling that you really got traumatized about it!

[SarahS98]

I'm ok about them reconciliating and trying to separate their role as parents (I got nothing to complain in that aspect, there was nothing missing at home) and their relationship dynamic. I'm now just wondering what's the reason certain men take back a woman that cheated on him.

[Noahzaid]

Look sister, If you don’t mind me calling that.
I think the best way to go through this is by questioning it less and reconciling it more.
Because even If you knew why he got back then you would than start questioning why she cheated etc..
In the end, Humans do dumb things that mostly don’t have a logical explanation.

[SarahS98]

I'll never know why she cheated. He never explained why in his journal, just that she said all the reasons with him and the counseling sessions.
He took all his anger and hatred on the friend. He punched the hell out of his friend, used all that energy on him. He did nothing to her except break up for a couple months and then took her back. Logically both are at fault and we would be cursing out on both of them since they both betrayed you.

[Noahzaid]

No body betrayed you though and appreciate that.

[SarahS98]

Nope, I have never been betrayed in that manner. I'm just pointing the obvious that if your partner cheats with your best friend, then both are at fault. Your partner and best friend are suppose to have your back, your best interests.

[Noahzaid]

What can I say to make you feel better?
I told you the truth and you won't take it.

[SarahS98]

I hope for the best on my wedding in March 20th.

[Noahzaid]

Congrats 😬
Look, never compare your marriage to that awful experience, compare it to sacrifice of love you sew from your dad

[Andres77]

imho, it depends on the quality and the depth of the relationship and the reason why the cheater did it. also, the maturity of the injured partner. and loads of extraneous factors. it's really a case by case basis.

[SarahS98]

yeah there is so much factors. I wasn't even born when she cheated on dad first. I'll never know why mom cheated. His journals doesn't explain the reasons. It just said they worked it out in counseling sessions and that she gave out all the reasons to him and on the sessions.
Since I read women tend to cheat out of needs not being met or something, I'm guessing maybe she felt something was lacking, don't know.
Dad's reason was simply revenge cheating but he ended up confessing and she forgave him fast. Well she pretty much owe him one I guess.

[SarahS98]

Yet, I can't imagine how it must have felt at the time... in his own house with his best friend... ouch. I still can't believe mom was capable of doing that.

[SarahS98]

I wonder what mom did for him to overlook that and still marry her.

[Andres77]

My situation was quite different

[SarahS98]

How was it different?

[Andres77]

In the graphic way I found out.

[SarahS98]

Ok. I assume you broke up.

[Andres77]

Long time ago.

[Andres77]

Caught her in the act

[SarahS98]

My dad caught mom in the act with his former friend too. His journal detailed that a bit more than what I've just posted. That must be horrific for sure.
The only difference is that you broke up. He forgave, then revenged cheated on her years later, then they worked it out and been ok since. They somehow worked that out and well she's no longer his girlfriend. She's been his wife since 1996, lol.

This information changed the image I had of my mom. I don't know how some people can cheat.

[Andres77]

i could give u the details in a dm, she didn't know i'd seen them all. and she didn't stop. at the time i was so shocked and naïve and still afraid to lose her that i didn't confront her. that experience still messes with my mind.

[SarahS98]

Ok you can dm me. I'm still a bit affected by what I read in dad's journal too and trying to come to terms with what mom did long ago.

[Anonymous]

I know men and women are built different but there’s really no difference in why a man would take back a woman who cheated. There are the same factors of deep love amongst other things.

[SarahS98]

Yes he still loves her. That's not my concept of love but ok to each their own.
He took all his anger on the friend. He fought him and punched the hell out of him. He used all that energy on the friend and with her, he only broke up for a couple months... only to take her back afterwards.

[Opinion Owner]

My best friend did the same thing. Caught a mutual friend in bed with the guy she was seeing, completely axed our friend out of her life but kept the cheating scumbag for a few years before he left her. I think emotional codependency comes into play as well. Your mom does things for your dad that his friend could never do, and the feelings there are just different then that towards his friend. I’m the sort to blame the cheater, not who they cheated with, but a lot of people can’t operate that way. Fortunately it’s worked out with your parents all these years so who knows maybe he had good judgment by taking her back, otherwise there wouldn’t be a you or your siblings if you have any.

[SarahS98]

yeah they are the rare case of a successful reconciliation
If I had never read his private journal, I would've never known about this. They never told me nor my twin sisters any of this. They kept this to themselves and worked on it themselves, didn't tell a single soul about it. Now I'm the only one that knows this but I'm keeping that a secret too.

[Opinion Owner]

I’ve had members of my family go through this as well, and I had no knowledge of this until I was in my 20s. It surprised me so much because I never ever thought my uncles would cheat, they seemed so faithful and loyal. One uncle in question has been with my aunt for over 25 years, they’ve had kids and I had no idea cheating happened once. Like you said reconciliation working is a rarity and I’m not sure how they come to the conclusion that things can still work.

[SarahS98]

yeah I'll never understand that type of love. I guess to each their own but personally I wouldn't be able to stay if my fiance ever cheated on me. I give trust once and if it's lost, then it's gone forever.

[Opinion Owner]

Hey, that just means our parents raised us right because I’m the exact same way.

[SarahS98]

True. In that aspect, I got nothing to complain about. They did great job as parents. Mom was the one with the strict curfews when me and my sisters were still underaged and invited to a party. I recalled once being invited by 3 older friends (I was 15 and they were 17-18 years old) to a resort. Dad said ''Ok but be very careful and call us'' but mom had the final say in that and her answer was NO. I asked dad, but all he said is I would have to talk to mom because the answer depended on her. lol

[SarahS98]

I recalled being just a bit upset for a day and thinking ''damn, she won't let me have fun, doesn't trust me, aghh''. Oh well. Parents are parents and I'll likely be strict too. I understand by now.

[Anonymous]

We have a word for that. He's a cuckold. A man, who is in a relationship with an adulterous wife or girlfriend.

Why some men are into cuckolding? Don't ask me. I find it indescribably disgusting.

[RonsH]

If the OP's parents have fb or posts their pictures on social medias, I'm willing to bet that dude's former friend (the guy she fucked in 1992) and other mutual friends if he has any must probably be laughing. The former friend must probably be bragging about the day he screwed his then girlfriend (now wife) in his house.

[RonsH]

As a man if I were to fuck a friend's girlfriend, he walks in on us but years later I find out he still married her, I think I would be laughing and telling others what a fool he is. I bet the ex friend probably knows he still married her.

[SarahS98]

I think both of you are going overboard. She's still my mother after all and I think she loves my father and he loves her too. Perhaps they love and understand each other in their own unique ways. It doesn't make my father a fool.

[Opinion Owner]

It's their life. In my life there is no welcoming nor room for getting cucked.

[bamesjond0069]

Because he is a simp. There are men who deserve respect and they demand it. And there are men who don't deserve respect because they let people walk all over them. Your father is the latter.

[SarahS98]

Ironically he ended up being the softer parents with me and my twin sisters and mom was the strict one with curfews; she didn't want either of us becoming wild, party girls. For example when I was underage and was invited once to a resort party 1-2 hours far from home, while dad said ''ok but call and be careful'', mom had the final say and it was a NO. I went to dad but his reply was to try talking to mom. Her answer was NO and nothing could be done, lol.
I do think she changed for the better though.

[bamesjond0069]

Yeah she definitely wears the pants in the relationship.

[SarahS98]

I guess. If they're ok with that arrangement then I guess whatever works out for them.

[bamesjond0069]

Generally doesn't work though. People who grow up in these situations don't know any better. You had two poor role models and it leaves the kids back a few steps from the starting line. I grew up the same way it just takes time to see it since you wouldn't know better.

[SarahS98]

But they raised me good. I rarely drink (unless on a social gathering and very little), never smoked, not into the wild hook-up culture, nor clubs and I'm engaged and waiting till marriage.
They did something good at least.

[bamesjond0069]

You seem pretty good. I am as well. That being said, neither of us had healthy normal role models for parents and there are consequences of that. We are both probably at the top of the curve because it doesn't work out so well for most people.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Same reason why certain women take back a man that cheated

[SarahS98]

I guess so. I'll never understand the point of taking back a cheater. I only give trust once and if my fiance ever cheated, then I don't trust again. To me once trust is gone, it's gone forever.

[LimitedBenefits101]

Men cheat even tho we still love our girlfriend.

[SarahS98]

That's the weird logic I fail to understand. Supposedly she always loved him too but yet cheats. Hopefully I don't get that type of love with my fiance. I want the loyal love type.

[LimitedBenefits101]

We are visual creatures.

[SarahS98]

If you men are visual creatures, then I suppose my dad would still (even now, 30 years later) have flashbacks of that day. He literally walked in on them, saw her cheating on his couch.
As a woman myself, I don't think I would be able to overlook that.

[LimitedBenefits101]

That's because you are a woman.
Like I said we men can have sex with other women while we still LOVE our girlfriend/wife, it's just how we are born🤷 but not condoning anyone to cheat tho.

[SarahS98]

So what do you think happened to my mom? Supposedly she cheated while still loving my dad and has always loved him even after what she did.
What is the explanation of that?
The only reason my dad cheated is to get back at her and feel like a man again. His journal stated he would've never cheated if she didn't cheat first.

[LimitedBenefits101]

That's unheard of women cheating even tho they still love their partner? yeah unusual.

[SarahS98]

yeah when she got caught, she went after my dad and begged for a while. She didn't want his friend. I find that weird in a cheating woman; cheating and lying, plotting the scheme only to then make a 360 turn and try to get her man back.

[LimitedBenefits101]

Yup very weird

[blackoutlawbrady]

Guess they figure a cheating partner is better than none.

[SarahS98]

yeah I guess so. Weird logic
Personally I can't imagine still being with the cheater, not even if it meant being single for years.

[Anonymous]

She probably takes it up the ass like a champ.

[WhitneySnow]

Cause he loves her?

[SarahS98]

True. yeah he still does. The irony is he fought and punched the hell out of his friend. He took his anger out on him. Both were just as willing, both were at fault. Only broke up with her for a couple months and then gave in to her pleadings and gave her second chance.

If I were to catch my fiance cheating with my good friend, I would called both of them bad names and walked away. Both would be at fault.

[TroyDT2]

Lack of self-respect.

[SarahS98]

I used to see my dad as a serious, family-oriented guy, hard worker (he actually owns a business too) and the less stricter parent. Still there was no sign of him having a low self-esteem. Weird.

[Anonymous]

Because he loved her

[SarahS98]

True. Still does.
I love my fiance too but I think dad is stronger than I would be. I wouldn't stay with my fiance if he cheated.

[User3191989]

desp.

[SarahS98]

So my dad was deperate? He used to be a cute, handsome guy in his 20's. Both of my parents were attractive back in the day. He didn't seem like the guy that was struggling in the dating world.
So a cute guy would also be desperate?

[User3191989]

You’d think, right? But, if you’re taking back a cheater, you’re ALWAYS desp.

[SarahS98]

He's 6'1, strong in built and definitely not poor. Even though he aged by now, there is still some remains in his face that he was once cute.
I always thought a desperate guy was someone who lacked in the looks department or wasn't built in frame.

[User3191989]

Again, you’d think