Forgive and stay or leave?

[Anonymous]

You are happily married with kids. But you have recently found out that your spouse cheated on you 14 years ago before you were married.

Facts:
Been married for 8 years. Been together since 2005 and at the time you were both 18 years old. Got married in 2014 at the ages of 26. Cheating occurred 2008-2010 (both of you were ages of 21 to 23) with the same affair partner off and on during these two years emotionally and physically. During these 2 years both were in college about 90 minutes apart (reason attended different colleges is an athletic scholarship and choice of major). During this time, the relationship between one another was rocky with arguing about spending time together etc but still remained together.

Frequency of sex with affair partner 1-2x per month, hanging out together 3-4x per month. Phone conversations 1-2x per week.

Would you forgive yes and stay married or no get a divorce? Why?

[SteveSmith1985]

I have, in fact considered this question HYPOTHETICALLY myself before. More than once.

I am not married. So the answer I come to for myself is: That I would get a divorce.

My thinking as to why:

If she cheated and was fine keeping it from me 14 years ago. I think that says something about her character.
- It says she has no problem lying to you.
- She evidently feels that "what you don't know can't hurt you"
-What else has she decided you're better off being kept in the dark about?

To me, someone who can do that to somebody has the capacity to do it again. The fact that she kept it from you for so long would make me have zero confidence there weren't OTHER things she was keeping from me. I would worry that, she seems to have justified her cheating to herself as "ok" otherwise she couldn't have married you. I would resent the hell out of every single time she had looked me in the eyes and said "I love you" all the while knowing you had no idea... and think she's been as faithful as you've been.

Now. That being said. Unlike most of the time I reply on GAG. I'm not suggesting that "I've got this right". Or that you ought to 'listen to my advice'. This is not even advice. This is what I would do, again, HYPOTHETICALLY if I were in your situation (as far as I can figure).

I am NOT in your situation though. I don't have nearly 20 years of ACTUAL memories built up with someone I'm thinking about walking out on. I don't know how committed you two were to each other before marriage. I do not think anyone is able to accurately answer this.

I think what you should do, is going to depend entirely on the way that you, as an individual feel about this. It depends on your own personal feelings about love, commitment, forgiveness, deception and grace. I would hate for anything anybody has to say on here (including me) to weigh significantly in what you decide to do.

THis might be the most individualized of personal decisions. DO a lot of thinking, and then decide what you want/need to do. And then do that. Neither option is an easy one. Good luck 🙂

[Asker]

Good thorough answer. I agree with you.

[SteveSmith1985]

I hope you find peace and happiness in whichever way you decide to go on this.

[Gent207-2]

There is more to this marriage than just infidelity. To get to the heart of the problem are you going to save your marriage and family?

If yes then you will both have A LOT of painful growing-up to do. You'll both have to learn to forgive yourselves and each other as you form new behaviors, practices and troubleshooting techniques in this new post-infidelity relationship. As you can never go back to the way things were, you can only go forward.

Good luck