I [M25] am in a relationship with my girlfriend [F25] for 5 years. She insulted me a lots of times and mostly blames me for our fights. Advice please?

[stepping_ston]

I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, and we live together for 1 year. She is my first girlfriend.

During her period, we almost always fight, about small things that are not so important. She always says that I should calm her down and "be there for her", which I gladly do, but we still end up in a fight over stupid little things that should never cause a fight.

I suggested her that she should visit a doctor regarding this and she wasn't happy about it, at one moment she just sent me a message during an argument "I don't love you anymore". Later she said it was just in the heat of the argument, and that she loves me.

She says I am the source of the problem since I am often negative about things and she behaves like that because of me. I admit, I am negative person (pessimistic I would say), because of my childhood (grew up relatively poor) and because of my college (almost everything at college seemed too much above my intellectual capabilities, although I managed to finish it and obtain very good STEM degree). I am aware of this and I am trying to be more positive person and to work on myself.

She also insulted me like 15-20 times during these 5 years saying words "stupid/fool" to me. Again, she said it was just in the heat of the argument and that she does mean that, but my problem is that this already happened twice since I clearly stated to her that I don't want her to ever say that again to me.

I feel so distant from her emotionally, I am really not sure if I want marriage and kids now. She has many qualities and is really great normally, but this really hurts me.

Are any of these things normal in a marriage, do you ever do it to your partner? I really need advice on this, I don't want to give up on her, but I can't stand it anymore.

Thanks :)

[PrettyPriya]

"I can't stand it anymore" is all I really needed to read. Oh goodness. I could write forever about this situation. Fact is though, you are not happy. No one should be in a relationship that they are unhappy with, especially if your partner is abusive. That includes verbally.

It sounds like the two of you are just not a good fit. Yeah, I get cranky on my period, but I manage to still be civil and respectful of my partner. To answer is this normal? No, it is not. A healthy relationship does not have this sort of problem.

Sure, everyone is going to get in the occasional argument, but it seems as if you two cannot disagree or suggest something without the other escalating it. That is the sense that I get.

There is nothing wrong with you suggesting she sees her doctor. I did when my periods were so bad that I felt like a different person. I got on birth control at a young age due to how bad they were. There is nothing wrong with looking out for someone's health. Now, maybe the way you said it or the timing was not good. I don't know.

Being pessimistic is not a good quality either. Sure, you had it tough. Does that give you the right to always be a downer? No, it doesn't. I think both of you have things to work on if you want this relationship to survive. If neither of you want to improve, time to move on.

[stepping_ston]

I am really ready to work on myself, to go to therapy or to fix this by myself. I listened to her and I understood what she said and decided to work on myself.
When I suggested she should see a doctor, she was unhappy and said she is 100% sure she does not have any problems, and that I (my behavior) cause her behavior.

[PrettyPriya]

It is easy to blame others than to look inwards. The thing is that even if it were ONLY your behaviour, that doesn't mean she cannot still speak to a doctor to make sure there isn't something she could be doing to help with her mood swings.

Trust me, they can be bad. They are often able to be regulated with bc. It tells me that she is quick to blame others instead of the possibility of seeking help. I think you are doing the right thing and have the right attitude by saying that you are ready to work on yourself.

She needs to also...

[stepping_ston]

She is saying she never ever had PMS troubles until our relationship. I know I can be negative, but is it possible that I am the only guilty person in these 5 years for that kind of behavior...
She is convinced that I am the problem for her mood changes and behavior, and she said that if I can stop that, it would change everything. But she is not willing go to a doctor only one single time...

[PrettyPriya]

Okay, so here is the deal with periods. They can change over time. It is not like we are born with a perfect and predictable cycle. Take me for example. I was quite young when I had to go on birth control because of how bad they were.

A friend of mine was fine until her late teens. It is widely unpredictable. Perhaps you contribute to the problem at times, but so does her period by the sounds of it. You cannot force someone to go to the doctor, unfortunately. It does sound like something she would benefit getting an opinion about and trying some options.

[Swollerbear]

"She is convinced that I am the problem for her mood changes and behavior, and she said that if I can stop that, it would change everything."

That's a red flag. She is in control of her own behavior. Exogenous forces can influence behavior, but ultimately you are the arbiter of how you react.

[stepping_ston]

I will try to talk to her about possible visit to a doctor, but she denied it a few times already and I know I can't pressure her into it.

[PrettyPriya]

It would be worth her time to do so.

[LazerBean]

No, it's not normal and it's not healthy. A person like that should never be tolerated or considered for marriage.

[stepping_ston]

I really don't know what to do. I am really hurt, I do love her but when she wrote the message that she "does not love me anymore"... I feel so distanced from her emotionally and not sure if will ever be able to feel the same about her. Yes she apologized and said it was only in the moment of anger, but still.

[Swollerbear]

I'd recommend therapy. She has some emotional immaturity, and needs to move past it. There are very few people in the world who are inherently bad. She likely has trauma and things she's going through that causes her to act in this way. It's entirely up to you if you want to work with her through this. If she has a willingness to accept fault in how she's acting and wants to change, then it might be a good experience to work with her. If you do, be sure to establish boundaries. If she's not willing, then it's time to move on. It will teach you patience, humility, empathy, and build emotionally resilience. Relationships should be valued on character development rather than good feelings in my opinion. Sticking through my marriage through all the hard times has molded me into a better man. Culture teaches us to walk away when issues and hurt arise. I think when these issues arise, it's time to rise to the challenge in a significant way.

[stepping_ston]

I know, I am willing to take a therapy for my negativity but when I suggested that she should see a doctor only once for her potential disorder with her period, she was really unhappy about it and said she is 100% sure she does not have a problem and that I cause that she behaves like that.

[Swollerbear]

It might time to lay down your boundaries in a firm way then.

Try something like this...

If you want to continue the relationship, you need to participate in therapy because the way you speak to me is negatively impacting my life and eroding my self worth. When you are able to admit your fault in this just as I am willing, and work on some of these issues with me, it assures me that things will improve. I care about you, and want to be with you, but I will not accept how you speak to me. I will work with you, because you're absolutely worth it to me. Having said that, I need assurance that there will be change because I cannot continue the relationship the way it is going. I really hope you take the time to think about this, because the things that I'm saying are extremely important to me. I place a lot of value in you and the future of our relationship.

[stepping_ston]

I already said something like that before, I said "can you promise to me that you will never ever say these things to me again?" and she was like "I can't promise but I will do everything in my power not say things like that ever again" and she already said it twice.

[Swollerbear]

Habits take time to break. Maybe they were picked up during her childhood. You can establish a boundary and say that anytime you talk to me this way, I will disconnect entirely from the conversation. I will not engage.

It will depend on what she's saying too. If she's merely bitchy, that can be worked with. If she's flat out insulting you to your core, then that needs to immediately stop or you end the relationship.

[Swollerbear]

There's a fine line between persevering through things, and respecting yourself. If someone is emotionally insulting you and bring you down in a meaningful way on a consistent basis, it will erode your value as a man. It will deprecate your value in every way and create contagion in every facet of your life. You'll end up not respecting yourself outside of the relationship. People will pick up on that, and start disrespecting you as well. Your career will come to halt because you won't have any confidence or ability to lead. Then more you decline in your success, the less of a man you'll feel like. The less of a man you feel like, the more she'll disrespect you. It's a toxic spiral.

[Swollerbear]

For men, respect is love. If a man feels disrespecting by the woman who's supposed to respect him the most, it will lead to a lot of disorder. You feel disconnected right now because you don't feel loved/respected by her.

[stepping_ston]

She texted me "I am annoyed by everything you say, I don't love you anymore...". I asked "you don't love me anymore?" to which she replied "yes". Later she apologized, said it was in the anger and that she loves me... but I am so emotionally distant and I am not sure if I can get over this what she said.

[Swollerbear]

Throw an ultimatum. If she doesn't comply, then you got to leave dude. Her say I don't love you anymore is unacceptable.

[Swollerbear]

saying*

[stepping_ston]

I am really confused with my whole situation, currently I am really distanced emotionally.
I love her but I am not sure if I will ever be able to feel the same again after she said she does not love me anymore.
She said she did not mean that and of course she loves me, but still.

[Guy13]

ASk her to marry and things will change. 5 years... really !!!

[Avicenna]

Things don’t always go smoothly in a relationship. Look at the big picture.

[Anonymous]

I assume you had to ask her out and pursue her

[stepping_ston]

We met in high-school, were friends at first and then in a relationship. Yes, I pursued her

[Opinion Owner]

Why am I not surprised