I’m worried about my friend in an abusive relationship. He hits her and punches her, gives her bruises and takes her phone away if she tries to leave. Is it any of my business to get involved? I just worry about her and he has made her cut everyone off. Or should I just let her be?
Yeah, you should file a police report. Domestic abuse is a VERY serious problem. Every October I protest against this kind of stuff (that’s the month for domestic violence awareness) and would be happy to provide some helpful facts and help resources. There’s a hotline for this kind of things too.
1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.
1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime.
19.3 million women and 5.1 million men in the United States have been stalked in their lifetime.1 60.8% of female stalking victims and 43.5% men reported being stalked by a current or former intimate partner.
72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female.
The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $8.3 billion per year.
National Statistics Domestic Violence facts sheet for further information: assets.speakcdn.com/.../...ce-2020080709350855.pdf
Source: https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS
If you are in crisis, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.TheHotline.org
You still have to keep in mind that those are only the reported cases meaning to say, women facing domestic violence and rape gets address more often than men being the victim.
@Aiko_E_Lara yes exactly. So if you think about it, basically every woman has been raped. 🙄
If you're being sarcastic then i agree with you. I also just like to mention that there is no male abuse shelter because no one likes to fund it. There should also be awareness for it
I agree that there needs to be an awareness for lack of help for men. It’s a very very small majority. If that’s something you’re passionate about then protest for it.
However this isn’t the place to raise awareness on a domestic violence victims page. I suggest starting a whole completely different forum for that.
"Very very small majority" That's another way to downplay it. There had even been experiments of how maybe more than a hundred of people just don't even do anything about a male child getting married to an old woman but people reacted so much when it was a female child marrying an old man. And no, how about if i start with you in your thread since you're the one making some misinformed claims about the statistics?
Buddy, this isn’t my thread. This is under a comment I made in another victims question. You should post this in another thread to get the exposure you need to raise better awareness. I am trying to help you.
If you create a whole different thread, I will ‘like it’ and leave a comment to help get the ball rolling.
Yes she is asking for help or advice but she isn't asking for your misleading statistics. That's a whole new different topic
@Aiko_E_Lara what you call misleading statistics and what you were just saying in the last comment are two completely different things. You can change you narrative in this conversation but that doesn’t mean statistics with real studies are misleading. I don’t know what you’re trying to say. I said I’ll support what you were saying now you’re saying something completely different.
It still doesn't change your one sided views on the statistics however. Just like how you said men getting abused being unaddressed is just a small majority. You basically started with your irrelevant thread in this post which is actually something completely different from the main post here.
Uhm just because I’ve listed statistics doesn’t mean it’s the opposite for all other things. That’s where you’re confused. When somebody raises an awareness for one thing doesn’t mean they don’t care about all the other statistics for all other things. It’s very possible to care about multiple things at once when raising awareness.
Only thinking another person cares about one thing is selfish because you don’t know the other person. You don’t know what motivates them. You don’t know what is going on inside of their heads. What you have are your own assumptions about them. They aren’t responsible for your assumptions. That’s something you must deal with.
And just because i address the other side of the story doesn't mean i'm confused. It's also funny when you say they are responsible for my assumptions when you yourself is also assuming that what i said is only a small majority and assuming i don't know what's going on in their heads. Oh yeah if you are raising awareness then i am also raising awareness about the other side of the story but it seems like instead you are bothered by it because you think it's irrelevant when you yourself is being a relevant since she isn't even asking for the statistics.
LMAO okay pal, I don’t know what else you want me to say. I’m done with you.
Sure you're done. That's because your hypocrisy is showing.
It shouldn't be happening but you are quite powerless if she wants to stay with him for what ever reasons.
How are you in contact if he has made her cut contact with everyone and how has taking her phone stopped her leaving?
I think it is best to contact support services & police and take their guidance rather than from people who have never experienced this. Document what you have seen.
I’m “in contact” because their housemate tells me what went down between the two of them. She isn’t “allowed” to speak to me unless she shows him the messages and he decides what they should text me. It’s toxic
@quaranta I don’t know her family REALLY well, but I’ve met them a few times and they like me. I don’t really know how to go about saying it to them?
Asker, I think we need to be careful of words and how we use them. Toxic might just be me being dismissive of your work because you are female. Abuse might be being verbally angry in a couple argument. Instead we should use more precise basic words that don't minimize.
This is bodily assault. Torture is another good word here too. She is fundamentally imprisoned and punished by being beaten.
This guy is happy to use physical force against his "girl friend". He may be equally inclined to punish others for acting against his interests. I think you should regard him as mentally ill and as dangerous to others aside from her. That includes you and their housemate.
I don't know if the housemate is male or female but that makes little difference in a sudden unexpected assault. A friend of mine was invited to breakfast by an acquaintance of mine and found himself being stabbed by a 20 cm ( 8 inch) kitchen knife. His jugular was just missed a couple of times. The stabber was bipolar and off his meds.
I'm not wanting to scare you but I think you need to consider your, the housemates as well as the girlfriends well being. I think you certainly need better advice than you can get here and should use advice lines and police services.
All the best
I would say not in a written form so that they don't send her screenshots for confirmation, so you might find a way to meet them by accident then:"Oh actually I wanted to contact you soon to tell you something serious", etc. I mean you have to avoid any circumstance where they ask her before finishing the convo with you, so that they understand also the importance of not telling her you whispered to them. While if you don't care about losing her, just dump a serious text telling them to call you for details... (They will anyway show her at some point I assume).
There are way too many comments and I didn’t read any of them, so if you’ve already gotten this advice then I apologize for repeating it. But my advice is to only involve yourself to a certain degree. Her situation is absolutely cause for concern, and if I were in your shoes I’d be worried sick. But she needs to leave that relationship on her own terms. He’s done a lot of damage mentally, so the most you can do is encourage her to get out, support her the best you can, and suggest options for if she leaves. Maybe it’s telling her she can stay with you, or even with family. It just helps to know she doesn’t “need” him, despite how much he manipulates her into thinking that she does. Hopefully with all of your support and reassurance, she’ll find the strength and courage to walk away.
The thing about abuse - you have to get the person out as early as possible because as the relationship progresses the abuse gets worse and also some people become adapted to the abuse and do not enjoy normal relationships anymore when they've been in that situation long enough. That is what I believe from watching guys on this site complain about how they are kind to abused women that they like but the women prefer their abusers to them. The long term abused women have adapted to abuse and no longer feel attraction to nice guys.
Opinion
42Opinion
The only thing you can do as a friend is tell your friend you love and and that you're tired of seeing her being harmed or worse killed one day. If she doesn't take rhe opportunities to try to get out and leave, then there's nothing else you can do. She has to get to point where she says enough is enough and leave.
With spousal abuse, I really do not think one can do anything but be there... when the bottom falls out. Sometimes that may be financial as well as emotional support although Parents can get the financial end...
@Guy13 - "one can't do anything but be there" ... a person couldn't be more useless then. When someone is in an abusive relationship if you CARE for that person you should try to intevene as long as it isn't dangerous to yourself. If someone can't do that... they should never call themselves that person's friend because a dog is more of a friend than the person.
@BlackBeauty90 I am not a professional Counselor so I would consult one. There are 800 and 888 numbers that can help you and that's where I would start especially this time of year. This is their busiest time of year.
I have experience with Abortionist and some have been raped... many abused if they did not get Abortion. Stop reacting like a woman and pontificating on Something you know nothing about, Obviously !!!
What you fail to realize is no one who is abused in anyway will leave until he/she hits bottom. It is no different than narcotic, submissive in that horrid BDSM, habitually raped with other unbelievable things, and this situation, etc.
Consult professional and 800 or 888 number.
I will tell you one thing MS BlackBeauty90/CARE... if he beats the living crap out of her because you CARE so much and stick your nose in there... and he realizes she's been telling someone THEN all that hospital holiday time is on you !! Call the Abuse 800 line.
@Akam93 I can't do anything but your little friend pushed my button with her advice to people with any thought before hand. Call 800/888 number. The things I know are by products of Abortion and early aged pregnancy. I wish I could be of assistance but this is too detailed for me. WAY ABOVE my pay grade.
@Akam93 I don’t blame you. I don’t mean that, I realized that the other one was joint reply. I didn’t want you to take it wrong. Search domestic abuse and call those numbers…tell them your the best friend and walk you through what to do.
That’s the safest thing for everyone,
I’ve gone it personally with a depressed friend who threatened suicide. The folks at the Depression phone helped me so much.
@Akam93 if it is your friend or family and you call that line. Explain, they know what proper response for a friend or family would be. If for no other reason than for your piece of mind.
You may be able to get your friend to call if you do and convey what they said. Positive peer pressure maybe.
@BlackBeauty90 you are very wrong about him. He's very intelligent and very wise. Your just not smart.
@Akam93 Are you trying to move on him lol
Be a supportive friend to her, but it's her relationship that she must deal with.
Always be mindful that women choose abusive psychos and stay with abusive psychos because, usually on a subconscious level, their self esteem is so low that they believe that they deserve to be treated in that manner.
They may also have grown up watching their mother be abused by one of her 'exciting' bad boy boyfriends. That imprints on a young female mind as a message that if a man loves her he will abuse her in the way her mother was abused.
For that reason, a female will not leave an abusive relationship unless or until she believes she should not be treated in that way.
For an intervention now, does she have any male relatives who are worth a damn?
If anyone treated my daughter in that way, his body would not be found. Seriously.
At a minimum, helping her pack her things while a couple of brothers or male cousins made it clear to the psycho that if he did not sit down and STFU he would have a very bad day, would be a starting option.
They would also need to make it clear to the psycho that if he bothered the woman in any way after she left, his body would not be found.
"their self esteem is so low that they believe that they deserve to be treated in that manner."
"They may also have grown up watching their mother be abused by one of her 'exciting' bad boy boyfriends."
Sometimes they just like excitement.
There is not much you can do that will not make the situation worse or at minimum do nothing useful. You could ask the police to do a wellness check but involving police in these situations has a high probability of triggering the abuser to become even more violent with her after the police leave.
You can offer her a place to stay, but if the man knows where you live or work you may get badly injured yourself if she takes you up on that offer. You can try to persuade her to leave but that is not going to work until she is ready to do that if she ever is.
You are assuming that she is telling you the truth, butare aboute women lie about these things, and it may be that she is simply gaslighting everyone about this to garner sympathy. Some women go so far as to injure themselves to make their lies more persuasive. There is no way to be certain who is being truthful in this situation and I would strongly advise you to not automatically assume she is the truthful one.
If it were me, I would simply get far away from this situation for my own well-being.
As a sufferer n survivor of abuse, here's what I can tell what I needed but never happened.
I NEEDED AN EXTRACTION. SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE TO COME GET ME N MY STUFF TF OUTTA THERE, AND A SAFE STABLE PLACE TO STAY WHERE I wasn't ALONE.
I had no one to call on for help, nowhere to go, no way to leave cuz I had no car, no job, no friends, no nothing.
I'm currently experiencing homelessness, barely have any clothes, trying to get my life together.
If you truly believe this person to be your friend n wanna help her, get her tf outta there n away from him to a place he can't find her.
Get her out while he's gone somewhere. Have her pack a bag n hide it, anything.
Just please get her tf outta there n work on finding her social service help once she's out n safe.
Don't let her suffer. Please.
Only if you can find a place for her to stay and then get her out. Problem is she would have to get another job as jilted people tend to show up at your job to do you harm. You read about that all the time. Restraining orders don't mean anything anymore. She would need a new job, a new place to stay, and good friends for support. If nothing else, a woman's shelter is better than nothing. But she had to get out as the abuse will not stop and probably escalate. What she really needs is a couple of big burly guys to beat the crap out of her guy so he knows how it feels to be a punching bag.
More likely than not, she wants it that way so she can get sympathy. As a woman, she had several type of government resources, such as putting him in jail to shelters. She is choosing not to utilize them. She needs therapy to find out why she it that way and how to overcome it.
She is going to defend her boyfriend/ husband to the end because she is afraid of him. She'll stay with him until he kills her. Someone needs to step up and get her out of there. If you really are her friend you should call the police or just sneak her out of there. Hopefully there aren't any children between them. I'd hate to have them in the middle of the abuse
Thanks. I’m scared because I think she may have been manipulated by him into thinking that this abuse is “normal.” That’s why she keeps defending him and his physical violence. I have a feeling there’s something not normal about her boyfriend, but I can’t be sure. I really do care about her and want her to be safe, but I have to go about it in the right way otherwise he’ll completely turn her against any support she has.
If she has been putting up with his violence for a while, she is not only used to it, she feels like she deserves it.
Wow this is extreme and very serious. There is physical violence and not just one incident from the way you describe it. And there is "entrapment" with taking away her cell phone. I would say that you should document what is going on and report it to the police. This guy, whoever he is, is truly an asshole.
I would tell her, if you need a place to stay for a few nights your welcome to stay with me. Also maybe take food to her house once a week so he’ll know she’s not alone and unprotected. He is seen. (Don’t start the conversation off with “you deserve better” because it may upset her but later on you can.).
Yes as its your friend but depending on how well you know your friend you need to be careful on what you do Ie if she has a history of telling serious lies.
You need to work out how to involve the police and maybe women's aid if you have that in America but without anyone knowing it was you as you may find yourself on the end of a punch from an angry man.
You need to be sure that this guy is beating your friend. Women can be as big an asshole as guys except women use different weapons than fist such as false allegations and gaslighting for attention. If you are wrong you could destroy an innocent man's life. I've seen an incident where a couple were fighting in the street and when somebody interfered the woman attacked them and she told the police he assaulted her and her boyfriend defended her.
@Manab it's possible. But like I said involve the police without anyone knowing. In Ireland and the UK you can pass that on anonymously to women's aid, not sure if there's an equivalent or
@Manab no situation is the same or so clear cut.
yes sort of.
it can be a hard thing to become involved with.
they won't seek help until they want to, if they get back together then you may be the bad guy.
Tough call, maybe just be there for her, but then you may also become a target.
He already made me their enemy because I told her I think he’s toxic. Which he is. He made her report anything her friends say about him, back to him. So because she reported back to him what I said, now he’s completely cut her off from people who care about her!
Well, eventually he will kill her, and that's not an exaggeration. Think it's worth making it your business now?
I thought it was my business, but everyone I've talked to says I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. I feel like if I get involved, since he has made her cut me off, it will look like I'm intruding when they didn't ask.
He pays her bills, or she just chooses to be with an idiot because she thinks very little of herself.
The guy is crazy, and he can kill you if you try to stop him physically. If he does kill you, she will defend her boyfriend and say you attacked them because he pays her bills, or she's in love with him, and you would have died for nothing.
We don't live in a perfect world. Just leave it alone. Don't worry about stuff that is out of your control. I am sure you have your own problems. It would help if you focused on that.
That's why I am enjoying my life. I don't turn other people into my own.
As a friend who is a good friend, you being concerned is a good thing. You should say something to her, it’s hard for people in abusive relationships to see that that’s what they’re in sometimes but if she can see it she will be grateful that she has a good friend like you.
Well if you don't see the actual act its hard not to say something. If you see it of course call the police. But your friend is going to have to, has to ask for help. Until then no lawyer or police will. Until the unthinkable happens. Unfortunately thats how it is. My neighbor is a cop, the other side is a lawyer, 10 cousins are cops, 7 are lawyers. I've asked about same subject b4.
Maybe an anonymous call to do a well check by police? The only thing is, that may invoke more violence from the spouse. You have to be careful. Contact their family, like others have said. Be there for her. You may have to contact someone who counsels battered women and ask for advice on how to help. That’s a tough one.
Yes that is everyone’s business as that’s illegal. It’s gonna be hard if she’s in that “he’ll change” mode…but I would just say acquire as much evidence as possible, secret recordings, photos of bruises. That will go a long way with authorities.
And you need to be careful too. There’s been several friends of the abused show get hurt for helping. These fcks blame everyone but themselves. And if he thinks you’re breaking up his marriage…
No, those women are lost and actually mentally wired that way. If you try to say them otherwise they will say derogatory and mean stuff to you. There is a reason those women attract those types of men.
I did with a girl as a friend. Even took her to a psychiatrist for help, and tried deleting bfs number. She behaved so badly to me, saying I am interfering because I am a loveless loser that can't stand that she can sleep with hot guys as much as she wants.
Those guys were beating, and raping her and she can't understand.
I have learned my lesson and will never help any guy/girl on those matters.
Having tried to help someone in a similar situation, I recommend letting her know you’re willing to help if she wants to go to a shelter or move away. Otherwise, odds are she’ll just use whatever support you give her emotional or otherwise but keep going back to him. It’s like a compulsion.
Call the police. Take pictures of the bruises. Watching someone else suffer and saying "I don't want to get involved" has become a curse on this nation. Men and women. It's shameful and disgusting.
In this case you can be anonymous and still help. Karma is ruthless. Something like this is going to happen to those that watch others abuse and do nothing. Just wait until it happens to you and no one comes to your rescue.
It is because you're her friend, but there's really nothing you can do because she isn't going to listen to you and at the end of the day, it's her decision as to what she does with this relationship
A. K. A. she's gotta leave it herself
if you can, quietly gather evidence (legally if you can) bso that you can help her (in a general since "that fruend") with proof later if she does try and hopefully succeed in getting away from him (that situation). or it can be used as proof after the fact if the worst case scenario does occur (the untimely death).
You do realize one of these days she’s no longer going to be alive, right?
As a proud abuser myself, I agree ✊
Because it help me through the day...✊
My doctor tells me to stop, but I dont. 🍺🍻
Alcohol is my friend 😄🍻
@Lilchoco69 TROLL... that was just wrong. We're talking someone's life. You have the attitude of if you saw a man stabbing a woman you'll turn around and let it happen. You're scum.
@Lilchoco69 go away
@Lilchoco69 alcoholic wife beating sack of crap
@Lilchoco69 doesn't matter. Makeing gun of an abusive situation isn't right no matter what
@Lilchoco69 you know your karma is getting bad. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister or mom gets beaten by husbands or bfs. That is what your karma is leading to
Look at my comments to locoscum69 or whatever his name is
Asker. There is truly no right way to do anything until its to late. Unfortunately. people like locoscum69 or whatever is its name says. You can message me anytime. Most are in support of you and your friend. If she gets mad and ends a friendship thats on her. Then if she shows up running away from him don't turn her away.
@Lilchoco69 No doofus. I'm being a man you scumbag. I have a girlfriend and she would say the same thing I've said to the asker.
@Lilchoco69 No your you wrong asshole.
If you truly care about your friend get involved because she's on a path to end up dead as abusers are devils.
Your friend suffers from some sort of trauma that puts up with abuse so trying to convince her to leave isn't going to be easy as at this point she believes it's fault and not his.
You tell your friend just to keep her mouth shut and quietly leave that demon before she ends up somewhere in the woods dead.
In the end you can't besides be there for here because only she can report the abused as it's happening to her.
I know she's afraid but she's the only one that can, I mean you can report him but the police can only follow it up, set her aside from her partner and ask her and her choice to say anything or not.
I would reach out to a councilor or therapist at least. This is real abuse, right? Isn't this even against the law?
Just if anyone could take to her so she doesn't have to go through this alone.
The fist picture looks like an ANTIFA member... Reminds me of those soy boys that yelled at that women sitting on a bench minding her own business demanding she raise her fist. What are your friends communists?
someone that you love and care about is in an abusive relationship where they are getting hurt, both mentally and physically. of course this is your business!
You can help but... Always put your own safety first and don't intervene too much... remember they were stupid enough to fall for it, so... Consequences...
Call report. Do what you can despite the consequences if it’s real love you have for them
Thank you. I love her to bits. I just don’t want to alienate her even further. She seems besotted by him even though he’s horrible to her and clearly doesn’t respect her
I’ve lost friends to abusive wives. But I’ve done what I can. That’s all you can do. It’s better than doing nothing…
That’s where I’m at right now. No guarantee it will turn out well though
This is a tricky one. If you feel like her life is genuinely in danger, I would contact her family, but only someone you can REALLY trust who you are close to. you don't want this to backfire on you.
Offer to be there for them. The decision has to be theirs. Yes, it may pain our hearts to see their hurts. But until and unless their actions impact your life, I would only offer my friendship.
My neighbor uncle hits his wife all the time. I wanted to call the cops but I didn't. Their life is none of my business. They both husband and wife are from village, uneducated stupids. They are perfect match for each other. She is dependent on her husband. She can't make money on her own.
Lol just got blocked by Akam93. Guess we know her intentions now. Not that it was a mystery before 😂
Sorry @Akam93. It was Guy13 who blocked me. Okay I get it, I roadblocked you with my comment. Chill my guy.
yes you stay engaged, ideally give her path out. who knows... maybe he's turning her into prostitute.
good luck...
It's their business, not yours. But you can give your friend space and advice to ditch the relationship.
However, it might be she's the one cheating, and is happy taking the punishment.
I am not sure if it is any of your business. I do know how I would feel fi she was murdered and you could have stopped it.
stay out of it. but i would suggest you anonymously call the police on him.
leaving is her choice. not yours.
if she wants to stay in a situation like that, let her. its not your responsibility nor your life
There is police and prosecution to deal with such psychos.
Girl help her, she needs it. I'll pray it gets better for her 🙏.
It’s your business but she may not wanna listen to you
Yes, get her out of there... This is how women end up dead.
She needs to leave him, nobody can do that for her. You can call the cops and see what they will do about it.
her fault. she friend zoned the thousands of nice guys she could have had in favour of the asshole who beats her ass. women love to be bused.
Call the police already and tell them what you just told us. What are you doing here?
I'm here because when I tried to tell my friend I'm worried about her, she defended her boyfriend and told me I shouldn't be "horrible to him." And everyone else I've spoken to has said it's none of my business.
Looks like your friend has made her choice. Nothing else to do than to move on with your day and life. She'll come around. Or not. Depends on the consequences of her very personal choices. It's her life and she asked you to stay out of her "relationship" business.
You need to cc all the police on him. It could save her life
You should advice your friend to take the right decision to stay alive before he punches her to death someday.
Yes. Try helping her and be concerned about your safety too.
I can't for the life of me understand why girls remain.
If you can’t step in or report anything to the proper authorities, you can at least document what’s been going on.
Absolutely. You protect your own.
Try to save her or she’s gonna end up dead with by him or suicide
I would call the police and get them involved
Yeah tell the police
If they can get out but they are choosing to do otherwise, people need to face the consequences of their actions.
I did help one and it ended badly with her talking bad to me and reporting the police otherwise. The police will think of you as the problem. You can give out little mental support but never with litigation.
Yes get her out
Yeah
Call police on him
If you hear call 911 and report her DV
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