If you have a long distance relationship and you NEVER meet, is it really a relationship?

[OlderAndWiser]

If you meet someone online and you NEVER meet in person, that mean you never

held hands

hugged

had a first kiss

had a makeout session

had sex together

Those are all things that people do in traditional relationships, at least eventually. Yes, of course, if you don't have the "distractions" of a physical relationship, you can pay attention to getting to know each other better, but. . . isn't that what they call "friendship?"

What do you think? LDR + never meet = not a relationship?

If you never meet in a LDR, it's not really a dating relationship

If you never meet in a LDR, it's a dating relationship if that is all you want in a dating relationship

If you never meet in a LDR, it's a dating relationship because you compensate by becoming closer in other ways

Something else that I'll explain in a comment

[midnightmoon05]

As insane of personality as I have (who consider you as my friend :P). And I could have meet you 2 other times, I wouldn't call it the type of friendship as with my close proximity friends around this area who I get to go out with and catch up with and walk around.

Therefore, I, in my younger years, like 24? I got on Match. com and met guys from further distance, I chose not to accept being in a romantic relationship with them and made it clear that I will not be able to move. So I don't want to set up hopes for anyone who may have better options around their area.

I am out going, and sitting in front of video chat/text/call and guess where they might be or who they are with is another story when I like going out and seeing a boyfriend. holding hands and smiling, and sharing meals, a good laugh or maybe a picnic or a drive down to meet up with Mr. OandW... that would be half of love being taking away. No I don't want to be saying I miss you and no hope of when we will meet. I don't like games and live in a world of maybe one day we will meet... and of course the need of hugs, and massages, the touch, the sex, I need the we can plan this, and do that TOGETHER!

When we are clear with our wants/needs and able to give the same to the opposite gender in the dating world with the respect they deserve, we would aviod much of these sitauationships as well as misunderstanding of "is this a relationship"?

[OlderAndWiser]

This will be an MHO!

[midnightmoon05]

Wait... let me add to my first paragraph..
On the other hand, if you and her move up here (will never happen)... we can all go out for a cup of tea or steak or seaweed or... clears throat... then I certainly would call you my friend!!! (That actually sounds really nice now.)

[OlderAndWiser]

This will STILL be an MHO! :) :) :)

Never say "never."

[Rosexøxø]

Relationships aren’t just sex and touch.

It’s knowing who a person is morally/ systematically/ educationally/ and goal-wise.

Knowing where they’re going, and where exactly is it, that they came from.

I would say, it’s not relationship because you can’t ‘do life together.’ Go on adventures together.

It’s okay to rate things happening in the world and discuss that, but it’s nicer to both actually, be having a part of it, and then rating it afterwards together.

If they can’t financially see each other a lot, they’re not living enough- enough to earn, not enough to enjoy, so a LDR wouldn’t be suitable for them.

If they can manage locally, then yes, it’d be a real relationship.. but they’d have to manage living life together, still.

If they can’t “do” life together, or at least join up at the end of the day or some point in the week, what’s the point?

That’s not s real relationship.

LDR is just an “in-between.” It’s not really a step back, but it’s not a step forward.

If it stays in that setting, the relationship will never go anywhere-

Metaphorically, and quite literally.

[Rosexøxø]

It is compensation. I voted the third option from the top.

[MrOracle]

No, and in my opinion people are absolutely delusional to believe in these "internet-based" "relationships."

I tell people ALL THE TIME here, to DATE LOCALLY. in my opinion, if the person you are dating is more than 20 minutes away from you via whatever is the common method of transportation where you are, then your relationship is a lie, and you need to quit wasting your own time and theirs, and find someone LOCAL to date.

Yes, this usually requires that you lower your standards a bit - you can't scour the entire planet for that one person who is hot and popular and still interested in dating you - you might have to go down a bit in looks or money or whatever to get someone LOCAL who you want to date. But if you can't see your SO at least 2-3 days a week on a regular basis - and you aren't married and being forced to separate by a good job or the military - then your relationship is effectively bogus, and you are wasting your time on something that likely will never go anywhere.

[Majorlyconfused]

Ok they’d your opinion and I think if you think the way you think then you’ll settle and I’m not settling

[MrOracle]

@Majorlyconfused If you're in a LDR/Internet relationship, you're doing a lot worse than settling - you're deluding yourself, and you are robbing yourself of valuable time that you'll never get back. You'll regret that eventually, but you won't be able to admit that to anyone until it's far too late.

This isn't about me "winning" or "being right" - I'm simply recommending that you really think it through. Only a tiny number of those relationships ever work out, and the chances of you being the exception are extremely remote. It's a hell of a risk.

[TruthBringer]

@MrOracle 20 minutes isn't long distance, and an easy way to restrict yourself of many potential partners.

I agree with everything you said, with exception to whether 20 minutes is considered as "long distance". I had/have no issues being on public transport for 40-50 minutes to see my girl (or bike for 30 minutes). It's not that far as you make it out to be. If the other person is in another state or country, then that's going to be an issue.

here in the Netherlands, if your significant other lives in the next city, that's still no issue because our cities are geographically close to each other, and our roads and even public transport are amazing.

I believe it depends on where you live. But I'm quite sure most people wouldn't consider 20 minutes to be long distance. Plenty of people spend even MORE time traveling to work. 20 minutes is quite a blessing.

[MrOracle]

@TruthBringer The reason I chose that number is because that's where, statistically, people become less likely to visit their SO as often. As the travel time increases, the average number of days spent together per month starts to decrease, and the "elbow" occurs around 20 minutes. For people who don't live together, 20 minutes or less means you're likely to see each other at least twice a week and often more - at more than 20 minutes, you're likely to see each other less than twice a week on average, and it's much harder to sustain a relationship that way.

[TruthBringer]

@MrOracle I see. I think it heavily depends on where you live. In a country like mine where the infrastructure is incredibly well done, 20 minutes is practically nothing. But I can imagine not everyone lives in a country with such advanced infrastructure where over 20 minutes can become a hassle.
But generally speaking, I'm confident enough to say that when people think of 'long distance', they think hours apart if not hundreds of miles.

[OlderAndWiser]

@TruthBringer What @MrOracle describes is true, but the distance does depend on some individual factors. I live in a city that is 800 square miles and you can travel 45 minutes without ever leaving the city. I would routinely drive 30-45 minutes to see a girl but I place a high priority on the quality of the woman rather than the convenience of how close she is to me. My current girlfriend lived 80 miles (about 130 km) distant from my home when we started dating. I would drive to her home and spend the weekend with her and the next weekend, she would drive to my home and stay with me. After 4-5 months, we decided that she should move to my hometown and we started lcing together after 8 months of dating. If she had not made that move. . . I'm not sure what would have happened.

[MrOracle]

"If she had not made that move. . . I'm not sure what would have happened."

It's VERY likely that the distance would have come between you eventually, and you'd have broken up. Which was my point. The two of you had to make too much of an effort to see each other, to the point where each of you only made the trip every other week. Would you have made the trip 3 times a week, if the only days you could have seen her were Monday, Thursday, and Saturday, let's say? Probably not. But if she lived 20 or less minutes away, you would be much more likely to have been willing to do so.

[TruthBringer]

@OlderAndWiser Yeah this makes me glad I'm living in my country. There are three major cities which are around 15 miles away from each other, but it does take a 20 min drive to get to another city or a 25 min train ride (not including the time to get to the trainstation).

And yeah, @MrOracle you basically described one important factor in why I ended my own LDR (she lived in another country). She expected me to do all the traveling and basically held a lie to my face that she would come to my country. Add a bunch of other issues like her personality disorder and dysfunctional family that were a thorn in our side, and it was clear the juice was not worth the squeeze. One of the best decisions I have made was to end that relationship and promise myself to never again enter a LDR. Even in my line of work, my girl is joining me in my travels.

[coachTanthony]

No and it's silly to think so. Most people who say they are in a LDR never discuss the most important thing of all...

Are you both working on who is going to move closer so that you can actually give this an actual chance?

[coachTanthony]

Thanks man

[TruthBringer]

Lol I'm guilty of this years ago. We were not in a place to be able to make such significant changes to close the distance and were still living with our parents. Sadly, the majority of LDRs are exactly like that, why they will not go anywhere, and why they are an absolute waste of time.

Good riddance I say.

[kylee2437]

Nope. Because at that point you are just assuming what kind of life that person is living without actually knowing what they are living. You may just be that persons side entertainment while they are actually in a real relationship

[DiegoO]

But you can also be in a "real" relationship and still live a lie and still be the side entertainment.

[kylee2437]

@Diego oh totally I agree HOWEVER you still gain a greater perspective on who someone actually is based on real life interactions. You can’t start a family and marriage with online interactions. FYI most people know who their cheating partner is, they just don’t want to accept it. Very rare does someone randomly not know their partner is cheating, they are just delusional

[kylee2437]

@Diego also if you are in an actual relationship with someone in real life, that doesn’t make you side entertainment unless if they are married and dating you

[DiegoO]

But you see, you are confusing 2 things. Proximity and awareness, doesn't equal to feelings. We humans are not that rational as we would like to think. If we interact with others, despite the medium we use, we'll eventually develop feelings.

[DiegoO]

To that I was referring. I've seen cases of people finding out their partner have another life.

[kylee2437]

@Diego I disagree with that. With online interactions you are fascinated and may be obsessed with someone giving you attention that you wanted because you are lonely but that doesn’t mean there’s any chemistry / trust being built on the other end.

[kylee2437]

@Diego more than likely they already knew their partner was living a double life via clues and contexts, but in denial until solid proof. I’ve been cheated on several times to suggest what patterns goes on

[DiegoO]

That's not any different from real life. People look for others because they don't want to be lonely. Also most assume they know their partner, but only know certain aspects. In real life, I agree we get a greater feed back about who we are dealing with, but online relationships are not much different. More incomplete, yes, but as like real relationships, feelings flourish and develop. at least for me, physical proximity doesn't determine what is, or what's not a relationship. If there is feeling in between, that's enough, there is a relation. Healthy? That's another story.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO not everyone dates in real life because they are lonely, many people date because they have goals that can only be met with a partner (kids, marriage etc) . Online dating can only be determined to be out of loneliness because there is no goal that can possibly be met by only talking to each other online. It’s a dead end situation.

[kylee2437]

I think it’s a sensitive topic to you because you have done it before, but you ought to ask yourself why it didn’t work out in the first place

[kylee2437]

If anything , you can equal online dating to preferably enjoying flings because that’s essentially what it is

[DiegoO]

Ah, it wasn't my case. I honestly didn't decide to be in a LDR because of loneliness. I felt a genuine attraction. I can't speak for my ex, but at least for me, it was a crazy connection. I never felt what I felt, with anyone, with no woman. But then, like I said, romantic relationships are a subjective experience, and I can guarantee that not everyone goes into one, with no direction. I had plans to be with her, but I just couldn't, and I still can't.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO how can you decide if it was actual attraction or loneliness when you never actually knew a lick of what she was in real life? Don’t take this the wrong way, but falling in love with someone’s potential and idea of who they are is actually a sign of issues that need to be dissected via therapy

[DiegoO]

Because 7-8hrs difference and 3 years with no promising advancement to see each other, ended it, in big part.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO so then you did need in person interaction after all for a relationship

[DiegoO]

No, sorry. I've been in tons of non serious relationships. I am talking way before the only serious LDR I ever had. It's not the same. I'll insist till the day I die that our feelings, develop beyond physical interaction and/or proximity. There was no idealization. We had a really strong bond I honestly think, people will not comprehend, given the context.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO it felt strong because there was delusion and anticipation added to the situation but that doesn’t mean it was actually stronger.

[kylee2437]

It’s like saying if I felt strong feelings towards a situationship I was in, that means I was in a relationship with them when in reality, it was my delusion suggesting I was because of my personal feelings

[DiegoO]

Because I had my ways to deal with loneliness, online🤷. You really think I was gonna be in a 3 years LDR, because I felt lonely? Lol, hell nah. When I met her, I had a feeling I never felt. That's how I knew, it wasn't something developed from loneliness. But then, I am only speaking for my self.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO it lasted 3 years because of delusion and anticipation. It didn’t last because in the end you wanted what makes a relationship official which is in person interaction. It’s completely normal and I think admitting that relationships can only really be developed in person would lead you to better future outcomes of not repeating what you went through with that girl for 3 years. Just a hot take. To each it’s own though

[DiegoO]

Obviously. I never said LDR work on the long run.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO yes because they aren’t real relationships lol that’s the common denominator on why they don’t work.

[DiegoO]

For you it can be a delusion, for me it definitely wasn't. I know what I experienced and I know most people will not understand, simply because most will not be open to the experience, or be able to process the experience.

I am not saying LDR are healthy, I am saying the possibility of developing strong emotional connections are possible, with LD relations. Call it nevermet or not.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO I mean you are going to forever defend your situation but it didn’t work out. The common denominator is you felt like the relationship wasn’t complete because you never actually met her. So he’s you experienced feelings and possibly hurt, but the common denominator is you got hurt because it was never a real relationship.

[kylee2437]

It goes back to the situationship talk. There’s people that will sit on sotuationships for years on end, that still doesn’t mean it’s a relationship , it’s a delusion people sit on because there’s anticipation

[DiegoO]

"The common denominator is you got hurt because it was never a real relationship".

Geez, it didn't work because never met LDR are unsustainable, after certain time, and in certain context. Again, I never said they are healthy. The only thing I am assuring is that romantic feelings can develop from LDR. .

By your logic, why tons of people "love" God or Jesus? They never met him, but they say they love him and that he loves them. You can also argue that what they feel is not love, but then if they think by heart that there's love, why even question their feelings?

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO but that’s the point lol online situations are unsustainable thus making it impossible for it to be real. Doesn’t mean you didn’t have individual feelings.

Also you are asking the wrong person regarding religion, I still have yet to know if I believe in God or not lol

[DiegoO]

It's funny you said it lasted that long because of delusion and anticipation when I had up and downs experience with my ex. If anything, we were realistic.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO what specific ups and downs?

[DiegoO]

Do you think we didn't question anything? The first month's were a bubble, the other months, and following years, we did everything we could to know each other more. Constant video calls, etc. We literally stayed in touch, every single day.

What up and down? We had fights, we had fears, we shared our dreams, we dissapointed each other, we did realistic plans to end the LDR.

[Part2603]

"dead end situation". You act as if there isn't a $1.25 trillion airline economy. Jet fuel is cheap.

[kylee2437]

@Part2603 where did I say airplanes were the issue? Two people that just want to waste each others time are the issue

[Part2603]

Oh, you're right. OP specifically states NEVER meeting IRL. OP, I think you need to allow for that possibility otherwise you might be engaging in unhealthy relationships.

[DiegoO]

@Part2603 You guys aren't reading me well. I never said LDR are healthy, I never said I would engage in one again. What I defend is that romantic feelings can develop from it and that they are not less real, than the feelings of a conventional relationship. The stimulus is different, but the romantic feelings are still possible, given the type of relation.

[DiegoO]

You see that's the problem, you can't even consider a LDR as something that can actually work.🤷 You are just not even open to the idea, that it can ever work.

[OlderAndWiser]

@DiegoO I think the issue that people have is not with the feelings. Yes, feelings can develop in a LDR just as they can in a traditional relationship, just as they can when an adolescent has a crush and is obsessed with a potential partner. The distinction people make is that the relatiionship in a LDR does not compare to what you have in a tradtional relationship. Some people maintain a LDR through DMs. But even if you spend much time talking on the phone, you do not get to know that person as you would if you were spending time in person. The measure of the relationship is not the depth of your feelings but how intimately familiar you become with each other. . . and in an LDR, it is inevitable that you do not get to know your "partner" as well as in a traditional relationship.

[OlderAndWiser]

And think some people are open to the idea that a LDR can work, but only if you meet in person as often as you can. The premise of this question is that you never meet.

[DiegoO]

Feelings are a subjective experience. We can argue all day long that LDR are more shallow than conventional relationships. In my experience, they are, in certain areas. In other areas, LDR are more deep. There's a lack of physical proximity, but emotionally, it creates a strong bond, that obviously don't last forever, but it's real and it last some time. It's healthy? Is not, but it can become real enough to have a significant impact in your life.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO you can’t possibly make deep connections through text. It’s an illusion, which is why you craved a deeper in person experience.

[DiegoO]

Who said we only texted, lol? We video chatted 7 days of the week.

I am not gonna keep arguing over something subjective. You obviously don't agree with what I experienced, and I don't agree with your analysis.

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO I understand you didn’t only text however you still didn’t grasp the reality she actually lives vice versa through those calls. It is subjective however it didn’t work out for the sole fact that there wasn’t an actual connection

[kylee2437]

@DiegoO and no one told you to argue with anyone lol you are arguing because you feel hurt that people are saying something you invested in for 3 years wasn’t a real relationship

[DiegoO]

What bothers me is how misunderstood are LDR. Yeah, I had a 3 years LDR. Enough experience to objectively talk about it.

[DiegoO]

? If there wasn't an actual connection, I would have end the relation within days and weeks. We didn't breakup because we wanted. We did it because we couldn't gather the resources to see each other. 🤷

[Majorlyconfused]

They only don’t work if there’s no goal to plan a real life together. They only work until the mental/emotional isn’t enough anymore and something tangible has to occur ie being in person. Sometimes it’s not possible until they’re both in order to come together. But of course they have to come together eventually and a clear plan made otherwise it’s fruitless and there’s no point

[kylee2437]

@majorlyconfused exactly but also they never actually know each other. How can you say you have dated someone and don’t even know what their lips feel like?

[DiegoO]

@Majorlyconfused That's precisely why the LDR I was in, lasted 3 years. We had plans, unfortunately, things happen in the way and none of us was able to save for a trip.

[DiegoO]

Again, how can someone believe in God, when God never had show his presence to believers and non believers.

at least with LDR you interact with someone. With limits, but you interact.

[TenderFantasy]

@DiegoO So you're saying your relationship broke off because of a lack of money? Doesn't sound like you guys were really that invested in the three years you were together.

And you cannot possibly compare God to a real (physical) relatiionship. Loving god is not romantic love. It's more spiritual. .. and definitely not sexual. I think the whole point in having a relationship with the opposite sex anyway is so that you can have babies and marriage and the speicies survives!

[DiegoO]

@TenderFantasy "So you're saying your relationship broke off because of a lack of money? Doesn't sound like you guys were really that invested in the three years you were together."

We were in college and different problems came up in our personal life.🤷

"And you cannot possibly compare God to a real (physical) relatiionship. Loving god is not romantic love. It's more spiritual".

To each their own.

[Guy13]

Long distant anything, dating or marriage, is a false positive. I know engaged people where she could not leave Taiwan to come with fiance to grad school. They eventually broke up and he married a girl from Georgia.

Online Dating, Long Distance Dating, Engaged/Married but separating are destined for failure. Anyone you have never met or do not see in person every two to six days is not likely to work.

[Avicenna]

No, it's not. But you can deceive yourself into thinking it is

[Aerissa_Jade]

It is a relationship, but not dating... and even if it is romantic or otherwise long distance, I can't see how that is a true romantic dating relationship.

So sure, its a relationship just not the serious dating kind.

[CubsterShura]

Does a relationship have to be defined by a sexual relationship? Or more importantly, is sex all there is to the importance of a relationship being short distance?

If sexual gratification is the thing that concerns you about long distance, then you can easily get that through exchanging photos/videos, sexting, mutual masturbation etc. Even mailing each other letters, photos and toys if you wish to take it to the extra mile. Even apart from sexual things you can bond through dating online, doing a common activity together (cleaning, cooking, gardening etc), using streaming services to watch a movie, send and receive gifts... that is not the main point in the problem with long distance relationships though.

Long distance love is 100% valid. People are making friends, building, communities, sharing ideas, initiating conversations and helping and supporting people all through the internet alone, what makes you think people cannot develop romantic or sexual relationships then?

I think long distance relationships should eventually lead to staying together in the same place. Not to make out, but to live a life together. If being long distance fulfills you for the rest of your life then you do you, but most relationships have the common goal of living together because you want to be there for your partner more than just emotionally.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. No, sex does not define a relationship but most people are hoping that a relationship will eventually include sex. And most people distinguish a romantic relationship from a friendship by observing the sexual aspect of romantic relationships.

2. This question asks about long distance relationships when there is no prospect of meeting in person, face-to-face. It does not ask about those relationships which are long distance but you at least occasionally see each other in person, or you have a goal of meeting and eventually living in the same location.

[CubsterShura]

Yeah I was simply pointing at the question description that was all related to a sexual relationship or physical intimacy. The thing is, there are people who may not desire sex at all, for example if someone is asexual, I wouldn't necessarily say that a long distance relationship is "okay" for a person like that because it's not like even if you lived together you would be having sex anyway. This is why I emphasized that if you love someone you most likely would love to be there for your s. o. more than just emotionally/virtually.

I don't think any long-distance relationship really has the prospect of never meeting in person at all, what I may see happening is people getting emotional and not thinking through if they can realistically relocate together eventually and later on break up because they realize it won't happen. Or it is not a romantic relationship, could be based on just sex and/or kink and feeling no need to be there for each other in-person or being part of each other's life in any other way.

I'm currently going through a little tricky situation myself with the whole long distance thing. A guy who was in my class back in middle school and high school confessed to me and asked if I want to be his girlfriend. Problem is, we're both studying in universities abroad, in two completely different countries! Canada and Japan! Realistically the only way to make it work is to transfer to the same university for postgrad once we complete our undergrad program.

[OlderAndWiser]

If your heart is with him, you will find a way to make it happen.

[Jamie05rhs]

@CubsterShura I just saw your answer. This is amazing. You nailed it!!

[Jamie05rhs]

And I agree with @OlderAndWiser's second comment, Shura. If you like him, I think you should go for it!
(However, just keep in mind that graduate school is really HARD. You guys will have to be really good with time management and boundaries. So that you can both get your work done.
... And also keep that BALANCE. So that you don't neglect each other. Many relationships have been broken up while one partner pursues a master's degree.)
(However, even considering these risks, I don't think you should be afraid to try. Don't push someone away just because the road ahead may be challenging.)

[TruthBringer]

NO it is not.

It is a fabrication of a relationship. In reality, you're only dating pixels. Especially in LDRs, it is incredibly easy to pretend to be someone you're not. Always putting the best foot forward, because it is that easy to do over text messages or facetime. People like to believe that those who are in a LDR have a "stronger emotional connection" because of the higher intensity of communication. Whereas this is often not the case since those in LDRs act in ways they normally do not act (putting their best foot forward or pretend to be a certain way they are not in real life). Hence why so many LDRs failed after a real-life meeting. All because the real person did not match the expectations.

Whereas within a local relationship, pretending can only last for so long, so you'll actually get to know the person for who they are.

And those who haven't even met are often just wasting their time being pen palls. Especially for (young) men is it a waste of time. Because I can argue that women get more out of it than guys do, as they can unload their emotional baggage into their pen pall "boyfriend" while he is barely getting anything in return.

[Majorlyconfused]

I think it’s all subjective. I think the only people who can actually say that an LDR is a real relationship or not are the people in them. Those who have never been in one will never know what it’s like. I think we all see horror stories of LDRs going wrong (users, scams, cheaters) it’s a playground for those types of people to conceal things but the rest of us, we just want to be in love and for various reasons we feel like it’s the right decision. But a relationship that isn’t going nowhere or clear timelines / boundaries haven’t been set can be troublesome who is anyone to say LDRs in general aren’t real. A lot of in person ones aren’t real! Each relationship is different and I can honestly say my LDR is the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve grown so much with his support and coaching for my life and he has equally been helped in every facet of his life too by me. We are each others support system and we have opened up to each other more than I have to anyone in person and it’s actually a wonderful base for a relationship because all you have is each others minds for now. He’s come to visit me in my own country and that was great. I think if you’re honest with yourself you know if it’s real or fake

[OlderAndWiser]

I'm glad it is working for you but the question asks about LDRs where you NEVER meet in person.

[Majorlyconfused]

But I didn’t know I would meet him in person though. For those 3 years I didn’t know. But I took a leap of faith and he was by my side for Christmas and new year

[Majorlyconfused]

So what I’m saying it up until that point let’s say the 2.5 year mark, I was not sure if ever meet him. Was it not real then?

[OlderAndWiser]

The question isn't whether it is real. I know that it is real and it can represent intense feelings for the participants The question is whether it is a relationship like a traditional relationship where you spend time together every week, but you have no plans to ever see each other, no hope for an eventual physical meeting face-to-face.

[Anonymous]

Online dating works but as a stepping stage
I actually met the guy I’m dating now this way
He was on a business trip for 3 months during those 3 months we were messaging daily also video calling but we NEVER called it a relationship or say we had romantic feelings. Because it felt impossible to say it how can I love someone online. We decided to meet and see how it goes and that’s how it went. We met and we took it easy we went into restaurants watching shows karaoke had coffees together walked together etc and that’s when he said he likes me and we decided to keep dating.. also recently shared our 1st kiss too
This story happened recently this past 3-4 months


I don’t think it’s real if we never meet. I know some will say but I was in a LDR relationship and never met but I loved her etc let me say that when I met this men.. it was SO different in person. It’s hard to explain but I got to see what he does waiting in line , how he walks , it’s just sooo different in person and online 100%

[Majorlyconfused]

I’m in a long distant relationship but I don’t have the healthiest of relationships to compare it to. More ‘situationships’. But this guy over the last 3 years has brought more value to me than anyone I’ve ever interacted with of the opposite sex for my whole life (I’m 38). He taught me how to play chess, got me into an industry where it led to me finding my dream job, made me think about investing and my future and making me believe it’s possible. (Never have I ever given him money before you all think I have). Anyway we were each others rocks. I helped him with writing letters for him and bringing as much value to him. Our conversations were wonderful, educational, brain expansive. After 3 long years he came to visit me. I saw I different dynamic. Somethings I likes a lot and somethings I didn’t so much. But after 3 weeks together he’s gone back home and all I know is he wants to see me again. We have no firm date, I don’t know truly how he feels about me, since he’s been back 3 weeks ago, I’ve gotten 2 weeks phone calls when he used to call much more frequently than that. I guess my point is where I went wrong was embarking on a LDR without having a clear plan with him of course we couldn’t until we met really because as you all say, that’s so important and I couldn’t agree more. So now he’s a little distant with the calls but is texting like normal. I’m missing that important element but he says he wants us to give the chance to each other of missing one another. Which is strange I think or valid. Who knows but yeah I think waiting too long to meet each other is another mistake (covid didn’t help). Set a deadline within your mind when you meet someone online to meet them and then plan your future together or without each other. I’m still yet to have a discussion with him but can’t when we’re not talking on the phone ….

[Opinion Owner]

Are you willing to move with him in the future or he moves in with you in the future? If not than this is not worth it.
You can send him a message that you really want to talk to him on the phone to discuss thoughts that are bothering you recently and you can ask him if
- he is ok to stay in contact with you and see how things flow?
-Or would you like you to move in with him?
If he is ok to be with you and loves you etc then why don’t you plan to move with him? I think this is better and quicker solution.
I mean is it ok for you if in this relationship all you do is stay online? To be it’s very sad. You can stay online only unless a crazy situation is happening. You can’t really progress online at all. To kiss him have a family hug him laugh to his face all this..

However if he doesn’t call you at all after you ask him so much to call him that’s a very bad sign. He is ignoring you. Also he is acting kind not to hurt you and rejecting you kindly. If he doesn’t call you after you ask him and if you don’t talk about the future much that’s not a good sign.

If you wish you can keep in contact with him still here and there but ultimately one of you needs to move in with each other.
Don’t be shy too it’s ok to say “ I like you I don’t know if it’s possible but my dream at the moment is to be with you and if we can stay together”. 🥺
But I know how you feel. It’s very hard even though it was online you invested so much into him. Your time and your thoughts. So it’s ok to tell him
Exactly how you feel and no shame on it you have to be real with him due to the distance.

[Majorlyconfused]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. We’re lucky because he’s in the states and I am in the UK and I work for a US company remotely. I can go to the states for a few months at a time if I want. He called me tonight. I don’t think he’s slowly rejecting me but I really felt like it at times over the last 3 weeks. I took myself off his Disney+ account the other day to move on and he noticed and said why did you remove yourself. he sent his username and password right away for me to add myself back on. Obviously not the biggest sign but it’s something. whilst on the phone I did ask him if he sees a future and I said before he replied ‘if you don’t then that’s ok, these things happen’ and he said he does but to plan is hard currently. He’s out of work and living with his friend and his friends wife. he just finished a contract job that takes him all over the world but he’s now for the 1st time looking for a job to ensure he’s stable in life in one place. there’s many perks to long distance. When I met him I was unemployed and moved back into my parents house. Whilst forming a deep bond with him over the phone, I was able to do a diploma and work and then start a business on the side and better my life in every way including landing the dream job and moving out my parents house into a gorgeous apartment in London. I think if I had an in person relationship at that time it would have been too distracting. Him being close emotionally but far physically helped me and gave me motivation and time to really focus on bettering myself for me / for him. M Also I used to have a hard time building an emotional connection with someone in person. They would want one thing and when it was a no to them they’d disappear or would disappear after sex. With him I was able to form an emotional bond first, and what better excuse to not have sex than to be on the other side of the world. It really allowed us to get to know each others minds.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes that’s hard I think he still likes you but it’s all up to you now. if you want to wait and see how it goes then you can keep in contact. But if you really want to have a family soon and marry etc than you can find someone else. You also have to be ready this relationship with this guy might not end up as you wish !! You have to think all of this 😞 so if you wait for him talk to him for real real conversation with plans. In a way you need a guarantee that you will be with him somehow.. or you can simply go with the flow. However you need a deadline. You can’t wait for him longer..
also if it’s ok for you it’s ok to
Meet new guys and people. Keep in contact with this men but also make sure you meet other people too✨🥺

[Majorlyconfused]

Yep I’m making sure I meet other people. He basically said that he sees a future but for me to make my plans to reach my goals etc and we will intertwine our goals. I don’t feel it sounds great tbh. He says he hates making plans as they never turn out how you want them.

[Majorlyconfused]

He has said before that he feels he has no purpose. I said to him last night this could be why you don’t feel you have a purpose because it’s so important to have goals and somewhat of a path to achieving them.

[ShellyB]

I think it's hard to answer bc it depends how you define things and where you draw lines and that might be different for different people, I think you can have "relationships" that are online only although I mean like for example, being friends is a "relationship." As far as dating someone if you never see them in person, to me personally that does not work, I can't even understand it. It is like saying you have dinner by looking at a picture of dinner or like saying you took a vacation by listening to a recording of the ocean. However maybe for some people or some situations it could work, who am I to judge. JMO!

[Orion76]

You really never know a person until you live with them period. The absence of the physical form and the reality that surrounds it can intentionally or unintentionally represent either of you as what you want to be but not necessarily for what you really are and I’m assuming good intentions, I want to be the perfect guy but it’s easier said than done I’m working on it or whatever. That’s of course if the plan is to get together eventually then you need to adjust your expectations, be honest about who you are and realistic about what you are bringing to this relationship, and it can work depending on the level of honesty and accuracy of your communications. If there is no plan to get together yet still a positive influence in both directions and the relationship is getting both individuals through the day while being happy and productive then it’s serving the ultimate goal of any relationship weather people believe in it or not.

[Orion76]

But it has challenges and the effort of consolidating day to day events can be exhausting and sometimes problematic.

[Phoenix98]

I think the better question to ask is would the feelings be any less real?

Is a friend any less of a friend because of distance? If not then why should relationships be any different?

Really it’s all subjective if I’m being honest just because one person or even many people think it isn’t doesn't make it so.

really it only matters wether it’s a relationship or not to you and the person your involved with.

If it’s a relationship to you two then does it really matter what everyone thinks?

[Massageman]

My brother-in-law had a sweet LDR for about a half year before meeting the lady several states away.

It was much more of a relationship than his actual, physical marriage to a blood-sucking piraña decades earlier. She did the same thing to four guys! ("thing"in this case = Marry, have kids, find a reason to divorce him, get $, wreck his life). Now she sits on her ample a$$ out west in the desert watching the "support $" roll in. He was #2 of the 4! This lasted several years, but wasn't a good relationship to me.

[Lliam]

It's a relationship, but more like a pen pal friendship. I imagine it involves a lot of subconscious wishful thinking and projection. I suppose LDR is an opportunity to idealize an avatar, as opposed to dealing with real, live and imperfect human beings.

Even if there is deep communication, you will never really know that person until you are around them in person for a while.

[Butterflyflyhigh]

It is complicated if regarding to emotion. It is something abstract and sometimes it's just there without we understand why. Literally however people connect it's call relationship, the question is what kind n how deep is the level? It's also along with the agreement between the two people.
I think nowdays with globalization, the connection between people has advanced to something more. People might never meet in person, perhaps only through video call, but trust each other; people might seeing each other daily but doesn't have the chemistry at all more over trust...
I guess it's all depend on the situation and we never know what the future holds...

[petitedollbabee]

Romantic relationships are never just about sex or physical intimacy. I believe LDR are still real relationships, regardless of whether you meet or not. Your feelings for each other is still more than platonic, and you’re still doing everything with each other that a normal relationship would entail, minus the physical side of things.

[TenderFantasy]

You never know if they are telling the truth so yeah. Also, yes, in relationship you NEED to build that physical trust! Even in friendship you need to be able to hang out physically, otherwise, it's just screen to screen, like I said to someone else with a similar question.

[catiecatie]

I like to meet and be together for a bit before one of us just leaves. I don’t know how people can do long distance for years without meeting. That isn’t a relationship. Eventually y’all will have to meet and will it be the same like over the social media and phone things whatever you do, i don’t know. To me you have to meet in real life in order to make it official. Because how does “dates” work? Skype? FaceTime? Just sounds different to me.

[lightbulb27]

Sure, but it's largely a relationship in your fantasy mind of who they are, rather than whom they actually are. Being with a person exposes aspects of yourself (communication, quirks, humanity) and the other person that may not come out long distance and in small splices of time vs being with them for days at a time.

Someone can seem perfect LD and not be so in person. Lacking a true picture of you both can lead to big problems as as person fantasizes and perfects the other person, the feelings can be strong. Reality from being in person exposes flaws and when the person is lost (breakup, ghosted, etc..), at least one can see the downsides. But if they were unknown, the pain is greater as it feels they lost someone perfect.

Fixing that requires re-thinking and re processing which is difficult.

It's best to guard yourself about "relationships" that are not real.

[Chazmatazz269]

This reminds of when young people make up stories about their lovers in other states or countries. Hahaha! If you’ve never met someone, you don’t even know if they’re REAL. It’s definitely not a relationship of any kind. You have an imaginary friend. Own it.

[RavVid]

I'd suggest in a relationship the defining factor is a sense of intimacy. Yes in normal face to face relationships that becomes physical intimacy and the mutual pleasure deepens it.

But I don't think the inability to have sex due to distance precludes it.

In the early days of the internet people were leaving their spouses and flying across the world to be with someone they had developed an online relationship with.