My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost four years. I moved to his country to be with him. At the end of last year I went home for 4 months (first time being home since covid), and we were apart during that time. He did come and visit in the middle for one month. Now I'm back and we are living together again. Since I've been back, he's been less affectionate and not really prioritising me anymore. We've been bickering non-stop because on a day off from work he would rather read his book than spend quality time with me, snapping at me for no reason, at brunch with friends talking about plans for a holiday next year that I'm not included in, etc. I am starting to think either he got used to living alone and is just more independent now/adjust to living with his girlfriend again.. or the time apart has made him realise we aren't right for each other but hasn't admitted it to himself yet. I've asked several times whatsup and he insists nothing is wrong and still loves me. Not sure what to think, maybe a guy's opinion would be helpful?
Reconnecting with partner after long distance?
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Hmmm, to be honest... I don't know if a guy's opinion is going to be any more illuminating in this particular situation.
I guess my first question is: How long have you been back exactly?
If this is a case where you've been back for two weeks, and happen to have gotten into this fight about the day-off... then it's possible it's just a matter of "starting things off on a bad-note" soon after you got back (like a fairly regular "grumpy period" in a relationship... that wouldn't be a big deal were it not for the fact that it happened right after you got back?)
Are you sure you interpreted the brunch thing correctly? Like are you 100% positive that the vacation plans he was talking about DIDN'T include you (in his mind)?
That just seems like such a blatantly obvious way for a guy to end up in a fight with his girlfriend... that even if in his mind... you wouldn't be together next year... I have a hard-time picturing any guy SAYING that in front of you... because that's obviously going to lead to a conversation he's not looking to have (when you ask why you're not a part of his future plans). Not saying you're wrong. Just saying... that's unusual.
But if you've noticed an overall marked change in how affectionate he seems to be, or in how important you seem to be to him... I'm not going to try and tell you not to worry. Obviously something is wrong. Otherwise you wouldn't be feeling like something was so wrong!
The two guesses you had as to explanations are as good as any guess: Maybe he got used to living alone? or Maybe he realized something about what he wants during your time appart?
Both of those are plausable I guess. But... they both seem strange to me in the context of a 4 year relationship. Both of those seem weird in a 4 year relationship.
Nevertheless, I can't provide any more likely guess.
I think though, that you might be looking at this the wrong way.
Right now, you're trying to figure out... what's wrong IN HIS MIND when it comes to your relationship. What's wrong ACCORDING TO HIS THINKING. What's leading to this change you've noticed since you've been back?
Now that's a perfectly valid way to look at it. Except... when you try and talk to him about this, and he insists nothing is wrong... then... all you can possibly do is guess at what might ACTUALLY be wrong. Clearly something's wrong. But he's not willing or able to tell you what that is.
Ok.
Then... you need to start looking at this from another angle.
So regardless of what may or may not be wrong according to HIS view of the relationship... there IS NOW something wrong FOR YOU in this situation.
Regardless of his reasons, YOU now have an issue that needs to be figured out. You're now in a relationship that is markedly less happy and fulfiulling for YOU than it has been for the last 4 years. Whatever his reasons, his behavior IS NOW a whole problem onto itself.
So you need to figure out what YOU want to do with this. Not keep looking for him to tell you what he thinks is wrong... but looking at it as: Ok so I've got a boyfriend who is all of a sudden treating me in a way that's different than what you want; different than what you expect; and different than what you're used to from him.
So even if he doesn't think there's a problem. He's wrong. YOU have a problem. And he needs to be able to talk that through with you. Regardless of whether he has complaints of his own... YOU now have complaints about how the relationship is going that you need to address with him.
I think this isn't as one-sided as you're thinking it is. Not if he doesn't want to tell you what's up, or talk about anything. I would talk to him about YOUR problems with how things have been.
It's important to remember that every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. It's also natural for relationships to go through ups and downs, and it's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your concerns and feelings.
It's possible that your partner is still adjusting to living together again after being apart for four months, and may need some time to readjust to being in a relationship. It's also possible that he is feeling stressed or overwhelmed for other reasons, and may need support and understanding from you.
It's important to continue to communicate with your partner and to express your needs and concerns in a calm and respectful way. It may also be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor to help you work through any issues in the relationship and to develop strategies for reconnecting with your partner.
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to continue the relationship is up to you, but it's important to prioritize open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to work through challenges together.