Why does my boyfriend like compliments from random women but not me?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend & I have been together nearly 5yrs. We have 2 kids together & live together. This past weekend he went out with some friends & their waitress ended up hitting on my boyfriend (wrote her # on his check). He didn’t take it. He told me (which I appreciate) but it made me really jealous & I haven’t been able to get over it. Him & I talked about it yesterday & we ended up getting on the discussion of receiving compliments. He doesn’t compliment me anymore, it’s probably been 2 years since he last gave me a compliment but I compliment him all the time (not every day but I do it often). He has self-esteem issues (I do too). He said “it feels forced when you compliment me but when someone random does it, it doesn’t feel forced”. So basically when I compliment him it doesn’t make him feel good but when someone random does it, it’s nice? Heading that really hurt me bc I don’t compliment him to make myself feel good. I compliment him bc I mean the things I say but he doesn’t believe it’s genuine. I followed up w asking him what I could do that would give him that same feeling he gets when a stranger hits on him & he said “nothing bc I expect it. When your in a relationship you expect nice things.” I’m not sure what to think of this honestly. I personally don’t like it when random guys hit on me, I’d rather hear the compliments come from my boyfriend. I’m not dating the random guys, I’m dating him, so his opinion/compliments mean more to me but he doesn’t see it that way. Advice? Insight? Help me understand please. Thanks in advance…

[PrettyPriya]

It is quite simple. It is an ego boost for him. He expects compliments from you. From others, he doesn't. So, when he gets one from a random girl, it boosts his confidence and ego. That is pretty much the simple answer to that.

The part about you getting jealous that some woman gave her number tells me that you have some insecurities or self esteem issues just like he does. Why would you be jealous about that? He had nothing to do with it, right? It isn't like he was flirting with her and that was the result. At least, that is what I will assume.

The reason you are constantly complimenting each other is because you have probably said it before when the relationship was new. The constant need for validation from one another should be long gone. However, you two both seem to still want that.

Being married, I do absolutely compliment my husband but certainly not all the time like I need to reassure him. It is just here or there. That constant need for validation is going to be a problem for you two moving forward. You need to get past it.

[Asker]

how do I get over it? Like how do I get over & move past the fact he gets hit on & he likes it? Bc I don’t get compliments. Not from him, not from anyone. I know my self-confidence level is the problem & why I get so jealous over it. I don't know how to boost it though when he’s over here getting hit on & I try my hardest to boost his self-esteem too. But then I don’t get any compliments from him or random dudes. Am I supposed to boost it myself? That doesn’t seem fair.. help

[PrettyPriya]

Well, you need to get over your insecurities. You have to realise that he is with YOU and not these other girls. He is upfront and honest with you as well as you stated. That should build some trust right there. He could do this behind your back and not tell you.

Next thing is you need to sit and openly talk about it and how it makes you feel. If he has respect for you and your relationship, he will learn that he needs to temper his enthusiasm when this happens and keep it to himself.

My husband gets hit on or flirted with all the time. You see, he is not from this country. He is Australian and living in India. He sticks out like a sore thumb. So, naturally, girls find him very attractive because one, he is very handsome and two, he is different from what is normal.

The thing is we have trust and respect. I don't let it bother me because at the end of the day, I know that he is with me and would never want to be with some other girl. I know this because he shows me this. So, when flirting happens, I shrug it off.

@Agape93 any more advice to help build up that confidence? I am not sure what else to say and the person I tagged is a good friend.

[Agape93]

Best I can say, is if you trust him and his loyalty, don't let it bother you. Rumors are meaningless. But if you're unable to get past the insecurities, you might need to take a break.

But Priya has the better advice

[Reem12345reem]

don't give him too much compliments he'll get bored of them or make them seem more geniune , plus he must feel like if he got them by other women it's more special since for u he already earned your likability/love and admiration so it's no that special to boost his male ego ,

[Jdjfjcjj]

That you compliment him in the first place is not the normal experience for most men but i guess I'll answer like this,

Most women will say that appreciate a compliment from another woman over one from a man. And tell me, how many woman hate when they ask how they look and the guy doesn't even look up but says beautiful?

[Aiko_E_Lara]

Maybe it's because you compliment him too much that your compliment lost it's meaning so he might me thinking you're only complimenting him because you're his girlfriend. It's the same as I can't take my parent's and my relatives' compliment because it just doesn't feel genuine.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

He's a dick and he's lucky to have you. The only compliments I get are from women who like me, but as soon as we start dating the compliments stop. It's a strange phenomenon

[ThomasDavid1989]

He wants to know he's still got it, from other women. If it comes from you, it just sounds like you're saying it because you "have to"

[Asker]

but why is it more special from other women? He says he wants to marry me & be w me forever, so why does it matter what other women think of him?

[ThomasDavid1989]

Like i said, he just wants to know he's "still got it". It's just a confidence boost

[Softlife808]

He doesn't like you that's why you've been dating him for 5 years. He's using you as a place holder until his dream girl comes along

[abitcurious2022]

He's use to seeing you/being around you all the time. I think it's normal.🙂

[Wise4myage]

Not sure, but that seems rather odd to me.

[OddBeMe]

He’s just not that into you

[In_Trance]

Ask him why