Relationship advice?

[bakersbin]

I need advice. How do i get through to my husband? He doesn't see things the way i see it and its always as if my view or feelings are irrelevant because his way of things is all that is valid and i feel so diregarded sometimes. He's a very hard person and I'm very soft and sensitive. I've tried my best to not be so soft but sometimes it still hurts then i just don't react or say anything anymore because i know it's not going to help me.

[SueShe]

Your husband seems to be the kind of person that believes that only his opinion is valid and others' can be dismissed. This is not how a relationship works.

You feel as if you are being overseen all the time and I have the feeling that he perceives you as someone with little intelligence or not strong enough to make your voice heard.

If you don't react soon, you will be treated like a 2nd. class citizen by him and he will take every opportunity to put you in the place he thinks you belong. You have to react immediately. I mean, you are only 20 and already practically under the yoke of a toxic husband. It is not up to you to change to adapt to his way of behaving but it is always the stronger that must adapt to the weaker.

I suggest you seek couple counseling. This will be an indicator to him that you are not willing to accept any nonsense from him and that you are defending yourself. If he refuses to go, then let him know that you will be going by yourself and that the counselor will only hear your side of the story. Good luck.

[bakersbin]

I appreciate that and i will try to bring it up to him that if we can't fix it between the two of us then we might need a bit of help and better guidance
It's still early days It's only been 2 years but it wasn't always like this so that's why i am in between him maybe dealing with something i don't know about or him just being him at this point

[SueShe]

If talking with your boyfriend fails, you can also try following procedure.

I would recommend that you prepare a list of issues that you see within your relation and to each issue, you bring up a solution to the problem. Ask your boyfriend to do a similar list, independent from yours. Thereafter, you sit together and go over both lists trying to find a consensus that is acceptable to both parties. The important thing is not to be angry or accusing because that would not only falsify the outcome but make things only worse. Good luck.

[bakersbin]

We've spoken about something similar but his 'excuse' is he doesn't see anything wrong with our relationship
And when i bring things up and a suggestion on how we can improve in that area he sais ok let's do it and then i have to bring it up again over a few days and he gets fed up
He sais he's not wired like that and i said i know but i can't be the only one that's compromising then he sais he's trying his best and i felt awful by even thinking it but i said I'm sorry i just don't see any efforts anywhere

[caring__1]

There are probably underlying issues that couples therapy might help, but, for now, focus on what is within your control. The communication pattern you describe is very common, but also very dysfunctional. People tend to focus more on being heard than truly hearing and understanding the other person. The more you talk at him, expecting him to see things your way, the more he's going to reciprocate in kind.

Show curiosity to see things through his eyes. How does he define a relationship, and what works or doesn't work for him? Have him share meaningful past experiences he had in relationships (what was done, not who it was done with). How did those meaningful experiences impact him? If you judge anything he shares, he'll just stop sharing. It's very hard to communicate when we don't even know what the other person is seeing or addressing.

Unfortunately, people tend to assume someone who loves the person will mold themselves into what that person wants to see. That is not the case. You're as likely to become a clone of him as he is to become a clone of you. People would be much more satisfied and happy if they choose a partner based on who that person is rather than the potential you believe they can become. You're expecting him to be something that is totally foreign to him. Any change we make for another person tends to be temporary and/or conditional. If he doesn't see value in change, nothing will stick. When you show an interest in seeing through his eyes, he's more likely to do the same with you, and that can open his eyes to interesting things he never previously knew existed. Unfortunately, you want to eat oranges from your lemon tree and haven't bothered to learn how to graft.

[BarryLiverstone]

One piece of advice I will offer is to have weekly meetings. Sounds like you and him are struggling in communication so if you agree to meet once a week and go over issues in your relationship and plan for new goals and milestones then he will be willing to talk to you and you have a structure to bring up anything that bothers you. He will know that time is set aside for your relationship and can better focus on you

[bakersbin]

I have tried doing that by making it a date night where we go out and have dinner so it can be a bit more fun and enticing then we try new places but it only went well for about 2 times we did it every second Friday. Then eventually he started saying he's tired and would prefer to have an early night then i make us dinner or i get snacks and search up movies we can watch after we've talked but then he's gaming and then whenever i ask if he's going to be on long then he sais he doesn't know he will see
Then i let him be and keep myself busy till he lets me know he's done then he will usually come looking for me but then it turns to 8 hours and eventually i just fall asleep on the couch

[BarryLiverstone]

Right because the attempt was to make it a date night and that would meet your needs. But agreeing to a meeting isn’t about dating and seeking adventure; it’s two adults discussing the relationship and holding each other accountable. It’s certainly not sexy nor would it lead to romance but it’s important and he can’t beg out to go play games.

How many nights does he ignore you and game?

[bakersbin]

I just thought that if the lighting wasn't too heavy maybe the conversation will be easier for the both of us to open up

It got more over the months and he sais its his only stress outlet
I have no problem with him gaming
I feel like a clingy little girl but sometimes i would like a bit of us time and i brought it up and told him thay i have no issue but i get diregarded for hours i still bring snacks to you and everything while you game i dont get a thank you or the head phones don't even come off when I'm talking and i get told that he didn't know i was talking to him
Stuff like that

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s not healthy and if that’s his only stress relief sounds like he is addicted. What else does he do to relieve stress?

[BarryLiverstone]

And no, if you are attempting to have a dedicated conversation with him near where he games that’s nearly impossible.

[bakersbin]

He doesn't do a lot actually he's an IT technician so i think that's where the gaming also plays a good role in this but I'm not sure
He works on cars but only when he needs to so it's not a daily thing
I haven't noticed anything new
He is a big collector of vapes so he will rewick or do something with it or change tanks or clean them and stuff
He made a rule that we don't go out without each other so my nonexistent social life and his large friend group sais a lot
So i don't know if I'm getting silently blames because he doesn't go out or gets invited i spoke about it but he said he doesn't care if he doesn't get invited as much anymore he's happy with just me
And when i brought up the feeling diregarded when he's gaming he sais so i don't want him to talk to his friends
I said that's not even close
We work on the cars together at least so i get involved there because it's the only thing i actually enjoy
I was palnning on getting a platform for myself so i can join in on the gaming but i don't want to invade his space or anything so thats why i shrugged that idea off

[Anonymous]

yikes, your marriage is in trouble then if you can't express how you feel without getting ptsd from your partner... your partner should never make you feel like your feelings are irrelevant!! you two need to talk...

[dudeinohio]

Discuss this with him.

[In_Trance]

Counselling