Boyfriend (38m) dumped me (30f) because of my PTSD. I feel horrible and that there is no hope for me. Does anyone have any advice?

[Anonymous]

I met him online and we hit it off very quickly and started spending a lot of time together at my apartment. I live by myself now, but previously lived with my father, who was a heavy drinker. If he came home and things weren't perfect or if I was in the wrong room, he would become angry and violent. I used to time my routine around him arriving home from work the best I could so that everything was ready, but sometimes he would come home earlier than expected. During his rages, I would leave the apartment until I knew he would be asleep.

The night I told my boyfriend about my experiences and I told him it's hard for me to get close to people and that I'm still affected by the trauma, we stayed up until 4 in the morning and he acted like he was empathetic and it was okay and he would be there for me.

While I was trying to plan a special dinner and night for us, my boyfriend arrived half an hour early. I experienced a flashback and I felt like I was reliving my experience with my father. I repeatedly ranted about how hard I was trying to get everything ready and didn't do anything for myself because I was too busy putting him and everyone else first. I finished getting the dinner ready for him, told him I was going out, and left for 4 hours. I think I felt "safe" coming back after 4 hours because that's about the amount of time it used to take my dad to go to bed after coming home from work. While I was gone, I replied to my boyfriend's texts. He never asked where I went, only if I was ok.

When I got back, I felt much calmer, but still very confused about why I had such a strong horrible reaction. My boyfriend asked if him arriving only was the only thing that went wrong that day and when I told him yes, he told me my reaction was unacceptable and inexcusable. He told me I had a choice and I chose to react horribly and he thought I would be a horrible mother. He told me he was morally superior to me and that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me.

Updates

9 mo

This is so painful. He would always brag about how attractive my body was and about all the ways he was impressed with me (my cooking, me being an avid reader, me doing Pilates). I feel used and completely unseen and like he treated me like a monster. This was my first and only PTSD flashback in a relationship. I was hoping it could be a learning opportunity so that I could work on my trauma history, but he didn't even want to bother and just threw me away like trash.

Updates

9 mo

I feel isolated, unlovable, dirty, and that I will never find a way to heal. It's hard to reconcile his reaction with the man who I thought was so kind and compassionate. It's incredibly hurtful and devastating. Anyone have any advice or thoughts on this? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

[BasedBaeBecca]

While people without trauma may not understand how debilitating it can be, it's important that you remember that your reaction was due to trauma that is not your fault, and it does not reflect poorly on you. It's also not acceptable for your ex-boyfriend to claim moral superiority over you and act like he was empathetic towards your experiences only to abandon you when you're struggling. It's understandable to be confused by his mixed messages, but it's not your fault that he chose not to be supportive and understanding towards you. It's likely a good thing this relationship ended as it would not have been healthy for you.

[Asker]

Thank you for helping me to feel like a human instead of a diagnosis. It's hard for me not to feel like a failure and not think about the what ifs because I don't even feel like he gave me a chance. I feel totally ashamed and worthless and at the same time, I wonder how can someone just abandon someone like that. I know people have to make the best decision for themselves, but he never even gave me a chance to get help and address it. I feel like he put himself on a pedestal and acted like judge, jury, and executioner.

[slatyb]

"I repeatedly ranted about how hard I was trying to get everything ready and didn't do anything for myself because I was too busy putting him and everyone else first. I finished getting the dinner ready for him, told him I was going out, and left for 4 hours." He gave you a chance, but you traumatized him.

[Asker]

@slatyb When I lived with my father, if I behaved like that, ranting about how hard I'm trying and that I'm putting him first would stall the violence. It was like I had to just keep talking to buy myself time to get things in order for him and get out of the apartment. When I experienced the flashback, I was ranting, but I was repeating things from my interactions with my father. It was part of the flashback. It felt like a living nightmare. I was literally reliving my experience with him. I was physically in the present, but mentally in another time and place.

[BasedBaeBecca]

I'm so glad I could help you feel more like a human than your diagnosis. You are absolutely not a failure or a bad person for having a trauma response, and it was unfair of your ex-boyfriend to expect you to magically overcome that right away without understanding what you're going through. You deserve understanding, patience, and support as you move forward. Do not feel ashamed for being human and having feelings and reactions. You are human and you deserve love, compassion, and empathy despite having this struggle in your life.

[AaronKrieger]

I'd be worried and annoyed in his shoes, but I wouldn't react like that. It seems more like he realized he wasn't willing to deal with it, so was horrible about finding an excuse to end things. Either that or he didn't even connect the two.

I'm genuinely sorry that happened to you and deserved better. You having PTSD wasn't actually the problem here. He was informed about it, so he knew what he was getting into. Him treating you like that is disgusting. It's fine if it's a deal breaker, but he didn't even want to communicate nor be respectful.

[slatyb]

See a counselor and work through your understandable PTSD. Your friend was reasonably unwilling to accommodate your erratic behavior, although he should have spoken more kindly

[Asker]

I don't understand because I feel that if he loved me, he would stand by me and be supportive. I apologized and made a plan to get help, but it wasn't enough and I think that's why this hurts so much

[NotInterestedSorry]

While I understand your trauma. You have to understand that someone can love someone very much, but sometimes it becomes way too much for a person to deal and cope with someone else's ptsd. If he didn't walk away now, it would have got to the point he would have started to feel like he was walking on eggshells around you, and it would have eventually affected his overall mental health. Until you get counselling/ therapy, you are not ready to be in a relationship because hardly anyone would stick around if someone reacts in such a negative way.

[Asker]

@NotInterestedSorry I told him I wanted to get help and he said it wasn't enough and he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore :(

[NotInterestedSorry]

@Asker saying you want to get help is not the same as actually getting help. I'm curious as to why you didn't try and get help sooner especially if you were aware of your ptsd?

[Asker]

@NotInterestedSorry He never gave me the chance to actually get help. He dumped me the night I had the flashback. Before living with someone, I thought I functioned pretty well. I have friends, a well paying job, financially independent, etc. I think living with my boyfriend made me psychologically vulnerable because the last time I lived with a person was a domestic violence situation.