Should I be insecure about my boyfriends need for space?

Question

boyfriend of 4 years we had up and downs, during a recent fight he mentioned that he needed more time for himself, but he knew since I’m clingy and need a lot of attention that that might not work. To give you some backstory my boyfriend and I live an hour away. I’m in a radiology program right now and he works Monday through Friday so we see each other on the weekend. In the meantime we talk on the phone every night when we both get off work about maybe three hours a night and then we hang out on the weekend about two days and then I want to hop right back on the phone once I get back home. My friends told me this is too much and this is why he wants more time to himself , I guess I’m just kind of offended because he has been doing the scene where he gets off of work early like around one or two and won’t let me know until I call and he’s like yeah I’ve been off since one. I’ll ask him. why haven’t you told me and he says why didn’t feel like talking on the phone and I said oh I understand that I just wanted to know and he said OK I’m sorry I should’ve told you but he’s done that three times recently and I don’t know if I’m just being overboard

WindAtMyBack · Accepted Answer

To directly answer the question, no you should not be insecure over this.

But there is still an issue than needs to be resolved. Almost everyone needs some space. They need time to themselves, and privacy. Some people need far more than others. It's a compatibility issue that can potentially cause problems.

It's not that one is right and the other is wrong. It's just that everyone is different in this regard. This is why you should not feel insecure about it - it's not a reflection on you. It's not saying he doesn't like you. It's not saying there is something wrong with you. It's only saying that he naturally needs more space than you do.

There is also a huge difference in how long people talk on the hone. Some people can talk for hours. With other people, talking for a half hour will drive them completely nuts. I've known people who didn't want to be on the phone for more than a few minutes.

Understanding your partner's need for space, and giving it to them is one of the most important things in a relationship. Both of you need to talk about this HONESTLY. It needs to be out in the open and somehow resolved. After four years there are obviously things right about the relationship. But somehow this particular issue needs to be resolved.

Maybe being reassured that there is no reason to be insecure is enough. Maybe knowing that everything is fine on his end is enough. Like the day he got home early and didn't tell you - he probably just wanted some time to himself, or some quiet time, or time to play a game or watch TV - or maybe just time to sit and state at the wall.

After four years I assume this will eventually lead to living together. When living together, you can't be in each other's face all the time. Giving them space becomes even more important. You don't need to say something every time you walk past them. You need to learn how much space each other needs, and how much attention each other needs. Hopefully you can find a place that works for both of you.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

4yrs in? what's the goal?

Its a conflict of needs and you both have to be aware of the differences, respect them, and then find resolution. This is the challenge in relationships... resolving issues when your deep needs conflict.

It's easy to say..."you should be different", and be less needy. Changing that, is work. There's a reason you are that way, and maybe it is legit or an outcropping of other issues... like not moving forwrd? Maybe it's extreme... are you willing to change yourself?

Is he willing to meet in the middle and communicate more so that you two are always in synch and you feel secure?

A solution... is to get married and live together. Then, you are always more in synch as you work together.

My wife and I when dating, had issues due to being 9 hours apart. It created difficulties because we weren't there to support each other, it was more work and more stress. Getting into same house and working together removed stress, made life easier for both... in our case. Took time to work through stuff, but got there.

lmk if not clear... my guess is 4yrs in, you've got other issues not addressed/ swirling...

EmyyWolf · Accepted Answer

4 years and you both don’t live together? THAT RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. I would’ve been cheat on you. How are you gonna be so demanding and so jealous and so clingy when you don’t even live with him. At that point you’re just another BOOTY CALL. Only see him the weekends? Yeah that’s some BS.  I don’t give a 💩 if you too live far away. You should’ve BEEN moved in together. I need to SEE A MAN DAILY for me to commit and even develop feelings. If I just see him on the weekends he’s my boytoy or me his BOOTYCALL. That’s basically all we are. I cannot take someone serious if he’s giving me sex only once a week. My eyes will wonder. I’ll seek something closer to me. Or I’ll just start dating around. THATS SOME BS!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️ And I don’t even know how that man does it. Cause men naturally have a higher sex drive than we do. And I’m a woman with a pretty high sex drive myself. If you think my libido is high. Imagine a man. Imagine your boyfriend. A phone call or porn isn’t enough for him.  Cause I know it wouldn’t be for me.

Minahh · Accepted Answer

I don't think you're seeing each other too much like if you'd be living together and/or married you'd be spending so much more time with each other! There's something sus about that. Is he excited to see you even? You guys being together on the weekends should be a highlight of your week!

Finchie40 · Answer

Usually when a partner says they need space is a bad sign , and pretty much a clear sign they don’t truly value you , especially since you live an hour apart from each other , so how much more space does he really need from you? Do yourself a favor and take some space yourself , focus on you and do what’s best for you , If you meet someone else during the space time, oh well , he got we he asked for, when a girl tells me she needs space. I tell her take all the space you need and leave it at that , My ass no longer waits around like a sitting duck thinking maybe she will come back to me I made that mistake before and I will never do it again , if I am not her top priority she will not be mine , plain and simple , if I end up in bed with another girl , oh well , cuz the way I look at it is I am single again , Cuz if someone truly loves you and values you , they won’t need space from you period , so my advice to you is just tell him ok I understand take all the space you need. But don’t be surprised when I am not here waiting for you

Anonymous · Answer

Let me tell you I'm the type of person that builds my whole world around a partner and even I would call you stage 5 clinger. I'm not saying this to insult you just to give you a heads up. I get it, you really like the guy. You want to spend every free moment with him. And It seems based on your posts the feeling is pretty mutual. But I don't care if you guys are together for 4 years. (Which is a long time and is an example of his commitment to you i think) or whether you've been together for 50 years. You will still always be separate people. And will require at least some alone time or separate time.

I get you want to keep him close. I'm going through this with my sister right now. She's been married to her husband for almost 3 decades. Their kids have recently left the nest and she has seen her friends marriages fail and she doesn't want hers to so she plans every moment of her husband's time outside of work of the two of them together. Which isn't horrible. But sometimes he's sleep deprived i tell her he wants to be with you, and he'll miss sleep to make you happy. But you can't keep doing that to him.

I'm not going to tell anyone how to run thier relationship because every relationship has it's own dynamic. I'm just going to say, recognize that you two have been together for 4 years. And that's not a very short time that's saying something about his commitment to you right there.

Good luck!

Angelo75 · Answer

Some people get tired of hearing phone-voice or holding the phone or not seeing someone in person.
On the other hand, there is a balance to find indeed to try to not be too clingy.

That being said... Why are you clingy? Is that based on a trauma of some kind? If so, do remember that it's not a standard behaviour and it could drain a partner.

It could be also that he's pulling away because there's someone else or because he's not interested anymore. In that case the question u wanna ask is, if he can't handle u now, or if you can't count on him now, how will he be able to handle u later on in life?

I understand it's frustrating and tiresome though. I'd say, focus right now on that radiology program and don't let "worrying" mess up that focus.

But look, no matter what people on any forum tell u, it's gonna be ur decision because "you" are the one that's gonna live with the consequences of ur decisions.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Thats no where near enough time together during the weekdays, I spend a lot more time with my friends than you do with your SO, and they never complain.

It sounds like you 2 aren't a match tbh. You both want different things.
Clingy is good in my opinion, I'd spend all day every day with a girlfriend/wife if I could.

RHK36 · Answer

Move in together or it won't last either way. Sounds like he just needs me time to decompress before talking to you which is healthy. You need more attention, but live too far away apparently. Tbh an hr away drive ain't far, but far enough that you both act like it's a ldr. Either move closer or find a new guy closer.

EaterPeter · Answer

Give him all the space he need. If he want to go away he might. Try setting some boundaries. Have 2 3 deal breakers on your side and his side.

I am not sure dear if I can tell you with knowing pretty much nothing whether you should be insecure or not. Use close friends relatives third party view.

DermalPunch · Answer

First 🚩 Boyfrind of four years Second 🚩 you live an hour away and are both busy people and he needs space? Yeah, he's fading the relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

Either he is tired and does need space it happens but will only make it worse when married and trapped together forever Or he needs a break from you more and it will be a start to a break up!

smashleyy · Answer

No you should work through those insecurities. Codependency and smothering makes things die quicker. You shouldn’t take it so personally. People need time to themselves and keep their individuality

thatshydork · Answer

I wouldn’t worry about it. He doesn’t need to tell you/update you every time his changes his location.

blueonblack22 · Answer

If you don’t respect that need then it will get under his skin and push him somewhere where you really don’t want.

Anemone978 · Answer

It shouldn't be a big deal maybe you shouldn't call everyday for 3 hours, cuz clearly he doesn't care for it all that much..

Blueeyes81 · Answer

I dated a woman that wanted all my spare time. It was to much. I felt like I couldn't even breath let alone get any thing accomplished. Try limiting your phone calls to 30 minutes to an hour. Give the guy some space to breath.

Deformate · Answer

Not even slightly. All men like an hour or so to decompress on their own at the end of a day and just relax. A bit of me time.

serious_miss419 · Answer

He sounds like Unions. Treat you crappy so you end up quitting (leaving), because they can’t just fire you for nothing. The guy sounds like a great fella

Sasha0426 · Answer

One of these days he’s going to blow up on you and say things he’s not going to mean. When that happens, you’re going to create yourself a bigger issue.

jshm2 · Answer

No. You should be ashamed for being this batshit crazy and clingy.

WhitneySnow · Answer

I get it my boyfriend and I are ld too but you can’t be too clingy

sammyyyyasdfghjkl · Answer

He should be allowed to have some free time to himself. Same goes for you.

sheikalana · Answer

Usually when a man says that he needs some space is bad news.

Should I be insecure about my boyfriends need for space?

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