Should I give up on ever finding love?

[Anonymous]

I'm a single 37-year-old woman with a 4-month-old baby. I wouldn't say I am attractive based on the fact that nobody has ever called me beautiful, and guys don't ever come up to me and hit on me or even ask me out. This was happening even before I was a mum. My baby's dad I genuinely thought he wanted to be with me since he had been with me on and off for 7 years, but I was wrong, and I stupidly ignored the signs telling me he didn't want to be with me. I spent a lot of time basically begging him to be with me like a desperate idiot with no self-worth.

I have depression, anxiety, and some trauma, and being lied to, regardless of how big or small the lie is, is like a trigger for me that sends me crazy and makes me doubt everything you ever told me. Despite only having one child, I don't want to fall pregnant or have anymore kids as my labour and delivery and what happened in the days after I gave birth were somewhat traumatic for me and I can't talk about it without crying, so having more kids would not be an option. However, I would be open and I would be okay if the guy already had kids himself. I'm just not open to being pregnant and giving birth again.

I also don't have any friends, and I don't have any contact with my family. So I am basically a loner/loser.

[Oliverlogan263]

It's understandable to feel discouraged about love based on your past experiences and current circumstances. However, I don't think you should give up hope of finding love entirely. A few things to consider:

• Beauty is subjective. Just because no one has explicitly called you beautiful doesn't mean you're not. Many people struggle with body image and self-esteem. Learn to love yourself for who you are.

• Society places too much emphasis on looks. Many meaningful relationships are built on deeper connections, shared interests, values and compatibility - not just physical attraction. Don't discount yourself because of how you think you look.

• Your current situation is temporary. Having a new baby is hard, and you're still adjusting and healing. Your self-confidence and social life have room to grow as your child gets a little older.

• Trauma, anxiety and depression are common - but also treatable. Therapy and lifestyle changes can help immensely. Focus on your mental health and healing first.

• Being single and a parent can be lonely, but you're not a loser. You've accomplished the difficult task of raising a child - that makes you incredibly strong. Build on that strength.

• Put yourself out there slowly. Join parent groups, take your baby to storytime, chat with other moms at the playground. As you become more comfortable socially, you can branch out.

• Be open but realistic. Not wanting more kids is fine, as long as you're upfront about it. There are certainly men in similar situations who share that preference.

You've overcome so much already just by being a wonderful mother. That's the first step toward finding love - learning to love yourself. With time, therapy, and putting yourself out there little by little, I know you can rebuild your confidence and open your heart again. The right person is out there for you.

[Asker]

Thank you. I really needed this.

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re so welcome. You’re doing an amazing job don’t worry

[Anonymous]

I want to say yes. But part of me says no. Having a child just makes it that much harder for you to meet someone. Your chances have diminished for a number of reasons. I would like to think that you just continue living your life, take care of your child, then one of these days someone will come along. But again w a child rose chances are very slim.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for this. I really do appreciate everything you have said.

I learnt by being on gag it will be almost impossible to find a guy who will date a single mum. I know there are guys out there who will, but those guys are rare.

[DextroShade]

Look for single dads.

[Opinion Owner]

Slim chances yes but not impossible. Some options may be men who can’t have children of their own, or men who have had step fathers as well. I think too nowadays it’s just hard meeting someone. Maybe even harder for you simply because you’re probably always busy w your child. But it’s hard. I’m not saying men hate single mothers, it’s just that there’s so much responsibility. I say this speaking from experience as I’ve been w my girl for 14 years. She was a single mother when I met her.

[CarrieLee]

Im 37 years old female and i look fabulous. I have been single for almost 4 years. My ex said i was toxic so i have been trying to fix my "toxicity". I knew i was destined to die alone. But no therapy has taught me about Boundaries, red flags, and my self worth. U have a baby baby. Focus on the baby. When its right prince charming will show up just don't look for him

[Asker]

Thank you for the advice. I really needed it. Thank you

My ex also said I was toxic. I've been trying therapy but I just keep getting F over by the mental health team with them breeching my patient confidentiality. They even tried to have my baby taken off me when they lied, but it didn't work because I have shown and proved multiple times baby has been safe with me the entire time.

[DextroShade]

This is terrible advice, a prince isn't going to show up and rescue a baby momma. You are doing her a disservice by telling her these lies. Asker, don't take romantic advice from women who are going to die alone.

[CarrieLee]

U know what it's men like u that make bitches ok with dying alone. Dont listen to toxic masculinity from a little dicked asshole who probably has serious mommy issues. Im a cat mom i dont want or need a man in my life. Being an insensitive dickhead to this new mom who is obviously a little scared and overwhelmed about being alone isn't going to help her. Toots dextro is a walking red flag for domestic violence.

[DextroShade]

Shame, insults, guilt, and the need to be right. Asker, before you take advice from someone ask yourself if you would trade places with them: If you want to be a miserable cat lady who dies alone then by all means take @CarrieLee advice; if you want to be married then take my advice.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t give up on dating, but I think it’s going to be hard.

Have you ever watched Kevin Samuels (RIP) on YouTube? He’s a bit controversial, but he does give a lot of insight into our current dating culture.

[Asker]

I have never heard of Kevin but I will definitely check him out. Thank you heaps for this. Thank you

[Anonymous]

I don't think that you should presume to know the future and regardless of whether you are with someone or not you would do well to love yourself so calling yourself a loser isn't helpful.

[Asker]

Thank you. I really appreciate this

[jeffend888]

Yes, you should. While you might be a wonderful person, your dating prospects are severely diluted.

[Asker]

What males them diluted?

[Asker]

Makes

[Asker]

@jeffend888 what makes them severely diluted?

[jeffend888]

First of all, you have a child. And the amount of men who are going to be ok with dating single moms are very slim.

Second of all, you’re in your late 30s. Most men in this age bracket have already created nuclear families and are living their best lives.

Think of it like the housing market. Not a whole lot for sale and what is for sale needs a whole lot of work.

[Asker]

Everything you just wrote in your follow up are things I kind of already knew. I am very aware the chances of finding someone who is single and would be interested in being with someone who has a child would be slim. I realised this by the amount of opinions by men on gag.

Thanks for explaining

[DextroShade]

You could still find a man, but he won't be tall, handsome, or wealthy.

[Asker]

Don't give a shit about wealth. As long as he has a job that's all that matters even if it was a cleaning job it's still a job. My ex only worked a casual job and he still lived in his parents home.

One guy I dated was only 5'7. I just want to one day find love and happiness and be in love and know what it is like to be with someone who actually wants to be with me.

[DextroShade]

You should look for single fathers, that will be your best bet because it nullifies the single mother penalty you would face in dating.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Jmmmfi4]

I've given up all hope... and you sound somewhat like me

[Asker]

I would say I am 96% given up. Don't you give up on love. My uncle found love in his 50's

[Anonymous]

No, don't ever give up.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Opinion Owner]

Your welcome and good luck.