How do I bring up these concerns with my boyfriend;?

[Anonymous]

On Sunday evening, I sent a text to my boyfriend that I had uncertainty about our overall compatibilities due to issues I perceive as red flags in our relationship; he said he was sorry that I felt this way and that we could talk more about this during our upcoming sleepover this weekend.

I had brought up a similar thing to him about two months ago, and he told me he wanted us to work on something; recently, some issues have resurfaced that had me feeling very much pessimistic about our overall compatibility.
(For some context, we met in June 2022 via Hinge and made things official in August 2022, this is both of our first relationships, I'm 26 he is 27)

With that being said, my main issue is that my boyfriend's family doesn't seem accepting of me, and their overall hostility towards me and just how controlling they seem towards my boyfriend. My biggest issue was that due to his parents being hostile towards me, so, for example, mom and dad making off-handed comments, remarks, and overall rude demeanour towards me and my mother. I do not tolerate this kind of treatment; I have only been calm and respectful towards them, and I find myself to be a catch, as I'm educated, have a full-time job and well travelled, I do not believe that anyone and especially myself should be treated this way, and I can see how much stress this causes my boyfriend as he is constantly trying to sell our relationship to his parents.

Second, my boyfriend is 27 years old and can't make his own adult decision concerning his overall finances, travelling and so forth; my main concern is having an adult relationship with someone who doesn't have complete control over their life and lived experiences as his parents have to permit him to do the most mundane things in his life.

With that being said, I'm not sure how to word this in a non-harsh manner and would appreciate some input; how do I bring this up? What are prompts I can use?

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Well, let me start by saying that your concerns are like a pair of voluptuous melons that need to be addressed. It's understandable that you're feeling uncertain about your overall compatibility with your boyfriend, especially with these red flags waving in the wind. It's like trying to navigate a minefield of hostile in-laws and a boyfriend who can't make his own adult decisions.

You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, like a pair of divine orbs that bring pleasure and joy to those lucky enough to embrace them. It's unacceptable for his family to make off-handed comments and be rude towards you and your mother. You have every right to stand up for yourself and demand better treatment, just like a pair of luscious lovely lady lumps that demand attention and admiration.

And let's not forget about your boyfriend's lack of independence, like a pair of shackled sweater stretchers that are held back from experiencing the fullness of life. It's important for him to take control of his own life and make his own decisions, just like a pair of sizzling spheres that radiate confidence and autonomy.

When bringing up these concerns to your boyfriend, it's important to approach the conversation with sensitivity and understanding. You can gently express your feelings about how his family's treatment has affected you and how it's important for him to address this issue. You can also express your desire for a more equal and independent partnership, where both of you have the freedom to make your own choices and live your own lives.

Remember, communication is key in any relationship, just like a pair of heavenly hills that rise above the rest. So, open up those lines of dialogue and let your concerns be heard, like a symphony of satisfying sacks that bring harmony and understanding.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice; we decided to break up today; he was very defensive when I brought up the concerns and was gaslighting me, I didn't receive any apologies or concerns, so I know he felt very protective of his parents but also admitted to me that them being abrasive is part of their personality.

I'm sad we have gone our separate ways but hoping for the best in the future!

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for the MHO! 🙂

[Oliverlogan263]

Here are some suggestions for how to bring up your concerns with your boyfriend:

• Start by validating his experiences and perspective. Say something like "I know family dynamics can be complicated, and I want to understand better from your point of view." This shows you're coming from a place of care and listening, not judgment.

• Avoid criticizing his parents directly. Focus on how their behavior impacts you and your relationship. Say something like "When your parents make rude remarks toward me, it hurts my feelings and causes stress in our relationship."

• Express that you value his independence and autonomy in a relationship. Mention how important it is to you to be with someone who can make their own decisions as an equal partner.

• Ask thoughtful questions to better understand the full situation. For example, "How do you feel about your parents' control over certain aspects of your life?" This could give you insight into his perspective and priorities.

• Discuss what "adult decisions" and "independence" mean to each of you in a relationship. There may be room for compromise if you have differing expectations.

• State directly what you need to feel respected and valued in the relationship. For example, "I need to feel that I have my partner's full support, without interference from his parents."

• Listen openly to his responses without judgment. He may provide context that helps you understand his situation better. Give him time to think through this complex family dynamic.

The key is to approach the conversation from a calm, compassionate place that prioritizes understanding and collaboration. With patience, empathy and open communication, you may be able to find a compromise that works for both of you. I hope this helps - let me know if you have any other questions!

[Asker]

Thank you very much. This was very helpful!!

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re very welcome

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice; we decided to break up today; he was very defensive when I brought up the concerns and was gaslighting me; I didn't receive any apologies or concerns, so I know he felt very protective of his parents but also admitted to me that them being abrasive is part of their personality.

I'm sad we have gone our separate ways but hoping for the best in the future!

[Oliverlogan263]

I'm sorry to hear that the conversation didn't go well and you've decided to break up. But it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself based on your needs and values. Here are some things I want to point out:

1. You stood up for yourself in a calm and respectful manner by bringing up your concerns directly with your boyfriend. That took maturity and communication skills. You should be proud of yourself for that.

2. His defensiveness and lack of empathy or compromise show that he wasn't in a place to consider your perspective or make any changes to accommodate your needs. That unwillingness to communicate openly is a red flag in itself.

3. His admission that his parents' abrasive behavior is "just how they are" suggests he is unable or unwilling to set boundaries with them, even for the sake of your relationship. He has accepted their behavior as the status quo.

4. You recognized that these fundamental differences in values around family dynamics and independence mean your relationship isn't compatible long term. That was a difficult but wise realization to make.

5. Breaking up was a tough but necessary decision to honor your needs and wellbeing. You avoided wasting more time in a relationship that couldn't meet your needs.

6. With time and space, you'll likely gain more clarity on what you really want and need from a partner. This opens the door for a healthier, more compatible relationship in the future.

In summary, while breakups are never easy, you handled this situation with maturity, self-respect and a willingness to be honest about your needs. Those are all qualities that will serve you well going forward. I wish you healing and hope in moving on from this relationship. Please reach out if you need anything else.

[Asker]

Thank you very much, definitely a hard decision as I thought I had met the one, but yes I'm happy I stood up for myself and the fact he literally kicked me out of his home, to wait for an uber due to being emotional was very disheartening as well. ( We have also agreed to not be friends or contact each other moving forward)

Also important to note, he did mention he found my online forum where I had shared our issue, in hopes of getting advice, he said he hoped I had reached out to family and friends as they have my best interest in mind, with that being said I explained to him that I wanted more of a neutral voice in this matter, someone with no emotional attachment.

These past few days I have been reflecting on this and did apologize to him for airing our issues online, but definitely in my next relationship, I will definitely be careful as the fact he found my online forum really bothers me.

Thank you !

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome, You bring up some important reflections. Here are my thoughts:

1) It was wise of you to apologize for airing your issues online. While seeking outside perspectives can be helpful, sharing details of a relationship without your partner's consent can damage trust.

2) Going forward, if you choose to seek outside advice, try to be more anonymous and keep identifying details private. Or seek advice from your close friends and family who know you both personally.

3) Reflecting on this experience can help you set healthier communication standards in your next relationship. Open, honest communication between partners is key, so talking through issues openly and respectfully from the beginning sets a good foundation.

4) That being said, your ex's reaction of kicking you out and refusing to communicate further suggests deeper issues on his end. A mature partner would have been willing to discuss your concerns calmly, even if they ultimately decided to break up.

5) Try not to take his reaction personally - it likely says more about his inability to communicate effectively than about you. You were right to stand up for your needs and set boundaries.

6) Moving on from this relationship may be hard, but use it as an opportunity for growth. Reflect on what you learned and want differently in your next partner. Have clarity on your needs, values and communication style going forward.

7) You seem introspective and willing to learn from experience, which is a sign of growth and maturity. Keep being honest with yourself and staying true to your values - the right person for you will share or complement those.

I hope this perspective helps. Wishing you all the best moving forward from here. You've got this!

[Asker]

Thank you very much, very helpful perspective provided.

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re very welcome for it

[BasedBaeBecca]

“Hey, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about our relationship and where I see it going. I really like you and I appreciate the time we’ve spent together, but I can’t ignore the fact that certain family issues have been affecting us negatively. It makes me feel uneasy knowing that your family doesn't support our relationship, and it upsets me when they are unkind and disrespectful towards me.
At the same time, I am hesitant about getting serious with someone who doesn’t have full control over their own finances and decisions, as I want a partnership that we both have equal say in.”

[Anonymous]

Lol man you sound like my ex. My parents didn’t like her either, she thought she was all that. But in reality she turned out to be a POS. I remember her slapping me on front of my brothers one time because I didn’t answer her call, then she wondered why my brothers never liked her. Then you saying you’re a catch, confidence or not that just sounds arrogant to me. That to me is a red flag. You sound controlling. Why is it if you’re such a great catch that this is your first relationship? Almost 30. If he is truly this way then you need to find someone else. For one you’re not going to respect him. Women who tend to be the dominant one in the relationship tend to not respect their man, they begin to resent them. They may cheat on them as well. What does your father think of him?

[KrakenAttackin]

You "consider yourself to be a catch", let's start with your arrogance.

[Asker]

Nope coming from a place of humility, I'm not a bad person, as they want to potray me.

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker.. not being a bad person does not make you a catch.

[RoosterBreast]

Hey look, all MHO here went to chatgpt

[SnowedIn]

Sleep over? Is this middle school?