How to talk to boyfriend about how the relationship is going?

[Anonymous]

How do I start the conversation without pressuring him? I wanted to talk about our relationship to see if there is anything that we need to improve on or anything that is bothering him. He is known to keep stuffs to himself so I wanted to approach this topic the right way but I don't know how. Do you guys have any suggestions?

[provokeesmokee]

I've never been able to have a talk like this successfully. I'm the worst person to ask.

I like being honest and as gentle as I can, but in my experience (granted I dated classic "nice guys" when I still dated cishet men, so thy're a poor example) men most often CAN'T have these discussions. Especially if they lack emotional intelligence like your boyfriend (suppressing emotions is not intelligence, it's lack of regulation ability).

But, it's better to just try anyways. Best case, he takes it seriously and allows himself to be vulnerable and emotional with you for the convo. Worst case, he shows he's incapable of holding serious conversation without shutting down or becoming emotional and you know you need to move on.

Make sure you:

• have a list of questions/check ins you want to cover
• If you have, what things do you want to change and why
• Have a list of things you love about him and your relationship
• Keep your tone gentle and positive, unless you need to shut him down if he gets aggressive
• A positive and curious mindset

But yeah, good luck.
Remember, even if you do everything as nicely as you can, many men just CAN'T have these convos. They're usually too afraid or cowardly to handle them, or too uncomfortable with any sort of confrontation or emotion to seriously chat.


It's a wonderful idea, though. I have a friend who does this with her husband every six months and their relationship is goals.

[Asker]

I love this answer! Thank you so much for sharing it with me🥰

[abc3643]

This is a very good question and, first, kudos for having your head on straight to know to ask it. This is emotionally mature and realistic.

OK, to best answer your question, first tell us as much as you can about your current "situation"...
How long together?
Either of you previously married/have kids?
Do you live together? (And, if so, for how long?)
What are you jobs and when do you work?

[Asker]

We have been together for about a year now. No, we are not married, and we do not have kids. He works in the day and I work at night. I hope this helps. I really need advice on how to start the conversation without pressuring him since he works longer hours than I do.

[abc3643]

But you live together? That is very important to know...

[Asker]

Oh I'm sorry, no not yet, we are not living together right now

[RavVid]

Being 100% honest with your self are you wanting to talk about what he needs to improve?

[Asker]

Improve? Hmm no, not necessarily that, just about what his thoughts are about how we are both doing so far in the relationship, if that makes sense

[RavVid]

OK. I am just used to girls who want me to change but put it with a different spin. I did some couples counselling and every time I raised my issues the girl would counter with another issue and the counselor would want to talk about her issue. Eventually the counselor asked me if I had any issues and I replied that I had raised several but that she (the counselor) had shut down discussion of my issues and I was no longer interested. They were more personality traits that could have been overcome but never were.

What you are saying does make sense. I think you should ask "how you can I be a better partner".

Now he might have no great complaints but try and get him to express one thing that would be more ideal. I would expect him to respond in kind and it is better to get an in kind response because that has buy in. It works a lot better than "Let's talk about any problems we have". Essentially say to him what you have said to us.

The important thing is that you have opened up a dialogue on how you can be more ideal partners and can communicate around that.

[spartan55]

He will be so thrilled!