Why does my boyfriend thinking I’m arguing when I tell him my feelings?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He grew up with emotionally constipated parents and his feelings were shut down and not treated with empathy. He was taught he shouldn’t have big/negative feelings and was criticized a lot. He is 21.

He’s gotten more emotionally mature and empathetic since we’ve been dating but it still lacks

Frequently when I try to express my feelings to him about something (whether it be something that hurt me or trying to understand something from his end) he gets irritated and exasperated rapidly and tells me I’m arguing with him or starting an argument or that “nothing about this has been productive”, usually because he can’t figure out how to voice his own feelings. It makes me feel bad when he says that when I’m trying to figure things out. Part of the reason it isn’t “productive” is because he shuts down and gets exasperated and angry so quickly. He will try to run away to go somewhere else as soon as he starts getting exasperated.
This can happen with small things.
It can be confusing for me because this doesn’t always happen, but it does happen pretty often. He tends to not be very patient and gets irritated rapidly. He usually apologizes later on for getting irritable with me so much (sometimes he even gets nasty). I’m just not sure what to do. He says he will work on it but it’s been a thing for a while.

We recently moved to a new living setting (separate but close to each other) and I was pmsing, a relative died two weeks before, and I was very stressed and insecure feeling from it all. Whenever I tried to discuss my insecurity with him or bad feelings he would get upset and very worked up and would say if I couldn’t get it together we would need to break up.

that was 2 weeks ago and it has died down since. I asked him cautiously about it and he said he was overwhelmed with the move too and wished we could just handle our own stuff at the time and he was at his limit and couldn’t handle mine.

[caring__1]

I'm not saying your boyfriend doesn't have issues he could get help with, but you're the one who is asking the question, so let's focus on what is within your control. You say he has been sensitized in the area of criticism. Criticism is so common, people tend to be totally unaware they are criticizing. They see their words as helpful or motivating, yet all those words accomplish is to trigger the other person's defenses, so the other people are less likely to either change or take your feelings into consideration. If they do change, the change will probably be temporary and/or conditional.

It's as simple as becoming aware of your use of the word "you" in a sentence. "You" statements are received as irrefutable statements of fact, implying only your perspective has any value and minimizing the feelings of the other. Never think adding I think or I feel in front of a you statement makes it go away. If someone says "I feel you're stupid," aren't they still saying you're stupid? Also, certain words imply "you." The subject of the sentence "go to your room" is the implied "you." We're actually saying "You go to your room."

You say you try to understand things from his end, but chances are you're inconsistent, so he can't predict when you'll be curious and when you'll be critical. Ask him to help you see things through his eyes, but make sure he feels safe if he does share. Telling him he'll be safe and then criticizing what he says or how he says it will only keep him shut down and defensive. If he struggles with knowing the right words to describe his feelings, you can offer alternatives. Just make sure you give him multiple alternatives rather than just one. Just one alternative implies you're directing him down a particular path. Be patient. You won't get more information by sticking your arm down his throat and pulling it out. Here are some statements and questions you can say when you're seeking clarification.

I sense this can be interpreted multiple ways, and I don't want to make assumptions, so please help me understand your perception of the situation.

In what way?

Give me some examples.

How might this option impact the results or you or us?

Help me see our ultimate objective in taking this path.

[teamvic]

Yo boyfriend sounds like a he has a very common disease called bitchassness

How he gonna threaten to break up with you for talking about how you feel. Also you shouldn't have to walk on eggshell around the mu fucka when it comes to something that bothers you or you want to be vocal about. Wanna know why? Okay fine you convinced me, because if you get used to doing that, then later on is how you get mentally abused and get controlled. Because you become hesitant on saying how you feel to avoid problems and keep everyone happy while you're sacrificing your feelings.

The dude doesn't know how to control his feelings. You can't blame his parents because he's not a little kid anymore. Sure you can grow up one way but at the end of the day you're your own person and get to do what you want once you're an adult. He says he's trying to work on it but even you don't seem to think it's very effective. He's just a little ass kid. That's why he thinks like that.

Now if you don't want to hear all that and just want advice on what you should do I'll give you that too. Here's a strictly situation based answer. Your best bet is you just got to be verrrryy patient with the mu fucka. Don't back down from him when he gets mad, in not saying start yelling back I'm just saying keep your ground and express how you're not trying to argue and it's just how he's making it to be and that you want to understand or how you want to be able to express how you feel and even also him how he feels so you guys will never get mad at eachother and will always be good. Say that shit in a calm way too. Oh and also tell him he can't keep yelling and getting mad over dumb shut. Okay maybe not that part but this guy kinda annoys me

Anyway I said what I needed to say im gone

[pervertedjester]

Simple answer is he's 21. He's barely out of his teens and his emotions are still knee jerk reactions at best. They think in Basic emotions: Happy, Sad, Angry, Funny, Love Hate, etc. He hasn't adapted to the shades in between. If you're unhappy in the relationship or life he may instinctively take that to mean He is the reason for it. Causing him to lash out and needing time to process things into known emotional categories. The real question is, do you both have the love and patience to grow together?

[Anonymous]

He grew up in an environment that said that emotional outbursts were erratic and dangerous. He senses this when you open up. Maybe he also sees where it ends when you do this too.

Regardless, the two of you have very different ways of handling things and you don't seem to be aligning to accommodate one another. Either you will over time or you'll find it's not worth it and move on.

The fact that he's telling about break up is not a good sign. But maybe you'd both be happier with more aligned partners.

[slatyb]

"... we would need to break up." I agree with your boyfriend. You need to break up. He's not ready for a relationship.