I still want a bigger ring than my exe’s new wife. Thoughts?

[Verdepaws]

Ok so i got divorced several years ago after being married about 28 years. my ex married the first person he dated and bought her a significantly larger ring than what he bought me. Now im finally w a man (well-off) that i could see myself marrying. Im a nurse, a practical woman, not prone to jealousy, NOT a materialistic in general…. I hardly wear jewelry. but i still want a bigger ring than my exe’s new wife. Thoughts?

Updates

7 mo

Goodness who knew that being honest and admitting a desire for a bigger ring would incite such visceral responses. My responses is: dont be so hard on people, and not so quick to judge blame or shame. Maybe, ask deeper questions first. thanks

[Screenwriter]

Hmmm... Sounds like you want your man to "value" you more than your ex valued you, and more than your ex values his latest wife, eh? A way to mentally stick it to him?

I don't know how it is you saw your ex's new wife's ring, but maybe you want to show off to her and him?

I don't think it's jealousy. But it is one-upmanship. I believe when someone didn't value you during your marriage to him, and 28 years is a long enough time for him to get you a better ring than the first one he bought when you were young and first married, there might be long-lasting bitterness.

I'm worried, however, that you feel you have something to prove to your ex about your value. I don't think a ring the size of the Rock of Gibraltar will prove anything to your ex about your intrinsic value that he missed, though married to you for 30 years.

He missed your value because of who he is, how he thought and felt about you. He bought No. 2 a big, fancy ring because that's how he thinks and feels about her. And just maybe he wanted to show YOU! This might cut both ways.

I think it best not to play this game. It doesn't help you. Feel great about yourself because you are. You've got nothing to prove, and don't need a ring to show it. I'd choose to travel the world with that "ring" money and save wonderful memories with your potential mate. Be happy. Create joy for yourself. None of those things resides in a ring, no matter how big or fancy it is.

[Verdepaws]

Hey screen writer thats good stuff. Thoughtful and well-written too. There’s truth to your words. Im gonna guess not much gets past you my lady.

Yes, within the mixture of getting his new wife a big ring was a bit of my ex stickin it to me.

Now i dont have a prob w him or her. She’s a nice lady but when i saw it i was like WTF? (I do get plenty of chances to ogle it at parties for my grandson which we have there since there place is roomier than anyone else’s)

I already know my new guy values me more than i was valued in my old relationship. Im blessed we found eachother.

My desire for the sizeness of this new ring doesn't have much to do with our💕.

It prob has more to do with me never having a nice ring no matter what circle i was in. The subject came up and I could see a big rock on my finger. YOLO!
And yes itd be nice to show up at the party and for once be the ogLEEinstead of the ogLER.

please know that im already full in myself and life and i know I've got a lot more to learn

but you know there's still a spitfire, snark, and bite quality about myself thats tough to tame.

thanks for recognizing that 28 years is plenty of time for my ex to have gotten me another ring, as other responders excused it.

[Screenwriter]

I responded the way I did because my dad got my mom a big rock for their 25th anniversary. But, you know, he always bought her bee-yoo-tiful negligees', and took her to dances. And when my mom became handicapped late in their marriage, he was there for her. Pushing her to casinos and on church trips. As kids, we could SEE how much my dad valued my mom. They were a power couple.
And he was always playing with her in front of us kids. Very funny.

If that didn't always go on between you two, it never would have. I'm glad you're doing better in this new relationship. Better yet, BUY YOURSELF that big fat ring and brag about it! You don't need a man to count you as hot. Hot up yourself! Kisses, girl!!!

[RoseySarah]

Really people all have opinions! Most are like buts they usually stink!

This is a normal reaction to trama! The ring was thrown in your face so you want to be secured! In your new relationship.

A bigger stone will help you feel secure so why not?

Does it need to be expensive or can it be a diamond 💎 like rock?

My ring is not a diamond by my choice it is a synthetic diamond and cut perfectly to the shape I want!

Be greedy and comfortable! A ring is a symbol of commitment so of course you want what you feel you need!

The internet won't let you ever feel secure so never trust the opinions on it!

[Verdepaws]

Roseysarah thanks you for your well thought out opinion given from a place of intellect, empathy, validation, understanding, encouragement, and compassion… aalso a bit of wisdom after observing the toxicity oft found on the internet. All high vibe states if you study the law of attraction.
I think when people see another person hurting a mob mentality can take over and the attack begins, just to see another hurt more. But i dont hurt easy!!! Hopefully my answers can illustrate that.

Im also a high viber. Yah i actually like to whear rocks n stones on string n leather. Though hey there’s always exceptions.

On my ring finger i want something different tbh i saw some cool black jewels a patient of mine was wearing and i thing id like that included cause it makes me feel goid n also protected and yes

“Secure”

Because in the end, we all want that

[RoseySarah]

Thank you for mho and a wonderful comment back!

[RoseySarah]

Your a doctor nurse or therapist?
Most people don't refer to people as patients!

Nurse pride 👏

[Verdepaws]

Roseys hello,
I've been a nurse for 25 years, thanks you for the “nurse pride 👏🏼 kudos. I LOVE taking care of my patients. They are AWSOME!!!

Well i just love comments that arise from a place of intellect and above. Whether it aligns w my own or not. Yours just happened to alighn which made it so much sweeter. We need more commenters like this on the internet. Sasly most people who answer from intellect and above avoid participating due to the toxic nature of it.

I hope you continue though

[Fireguy17]

I'm a retired jeweler and retired store owner.

What I found is that many newly weds in health care wore their wedding and engagement rings all the time to work at first.

I alwa6kidded with them that they would be back for a plain wedding band soon.

They would say no, that they will never take it off.

Probably ahead 80% or more would be back in a year or so and bought a plain wedding band that was easier to wear, some right after they scratched one of their patients.

I always told them to get what they wanted and could afford.

To some size did not matter, to others it had to be larger than their friends no matter what the cost.

Sadly many had ring payments that out lasted the marriage.

Myself I would rather spend the money on a down payment on a house.

Now with the lab created stones being so inexpensive unless you have the correct testing equipment you can't tell who has what.

Do what makes you happy.

If having a larger diamond and spending more money on it than they did makes you happy then by all means go for it.

You might discover that years down the road it just wasn't all that important after all.

With all of the resources that I have available to me and being able to buy wholesale my wedding ring is a plain 14k yellow gold ring that my dad wore and his father wore.

To me that means more to me than anything that I could make or buy.

[Verdepaws]

Hey fireguy17
Sounds like you have decades of Experience in the engagement/marital ring department. So thanks for weighing in.
Sounds like people have many differing opinions.
Im going yo guess that your clients needed the actual experience of wearing the ring in order to draw the conclusion that a band was best.
Im a nurse n take gloves on and off all day so a band would work best for me on a daily basis.
At any rate it takes the experience of living in/around something to draw ones own personal conclusions

Now as far as a young man (i have two grown sons) who wants a big fast car. Itll probably take purchasing and driving one for a while before he realizes a smooth quiet ride is more his speed…. But i wouldn't want him to skip the fast car part because HE needs to draw that conclusion on his own. I hope tgat makes sense.

Make no mistake, at my age, raising two sons, and taking care of people at the end of life

Theyd probably tell me “live now, its the only one you ve got. And draw your own conclusions”

[Fireguy17]

Spot on.
I have a "streetable" car, and another classic car.
Between the pretty much open side pipes and the motor that car can wear you out after an hour, but it is fun.
My other classic is pretty much stock so it is much better on longer trips.
But they were built with 2 different purposes in mind.

[caring__1]

When I started driving, I paid 17¢ a gallon for gas. How much gas would I get if I insisted on still paying only 17¢ per gallon? Your ex paid what he could afford for the ring he gave you. He now has more earning power, so once again is paying what he can afford to purchase a ring for his new wife. You're also assuming bigger is better. Let's say he spent the exact same amount on your ring as he did for her ring. She wanted a bigger ring, so he found a larger diamond with more flaws for the same price.

You see the size of the diamond as a statement of your value to your partner. Big diamonds are not a statement of how valuable you are to your partner. They are a way of showing off to others how rich he is. It's bragging rights for him, not having anything to do with the value he sees in you.

You say you're not jealous or materialistic, yet your actions show the opposite. Jealous people compare themselves to others to legitimize their failure to accomplish what they wanted to accomplish. Focusing on others is simple (2 dimensional), while focusing on ourselves is complex (20 dimensional). Therefore, the common act of focusing on others is easier, and jealous people choose the easiest approach. You say you're not materialistic, yet you seem to be putting forth a lot of effort for a lump of carbon.

[Verdepaws]

You can’t judge me or my character as a whole by single thought selfish thought. It would be like judging a man who got in one fight as violent. But thanks for your well thought out response as so many people seem to get quite visceral on others when they themselves Harbor similar feelings

[caring__1]

You're welcome. My goal wasn't to judge but to broaden your perspective. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

[Verdepaws]

I think It is not at all unexpected that human beings have thier selfish moments. Or even angry, jealous, gluttonous, slothful, prideful, vainful, and/or weak moments. If we didn't, then how can we grow. Then? They are jesus. And tbh? Sometimes these feelings/moments are justifiable for that event. I have done much soul searching since my divorce and realized i have put myself last a lot of the time. And as much as the community here has answered my musing from a high, mighty, clean, white and shiny place. they are just as much human as anyone, but the anonymity has allowed them to appear pristine.
Anyways, i have put myself last a lot of the time and have found that in doing so, have trained others to put me last.
So, now i have an oppurtunity to ask for a ring i want. Maybe its not all for high/mighty holier tgan though reasons. I accept that. But i want a bigger ring. I think the universe can live with that.

[caring__1]

No one's saying you can't ask for what you want, but make sure the request doesn't come across as an entitlement.

[Verdepaws]

Yes ill be pointing at rings i want. Ones that make me feel wanted loved and appreciated. My asks are never from a place of entitlement as i dont believe in being entitled. If my man feels like ime worth it? He’ll gladly obtain the ring and put it on my finger. And i will proudly wear it.
Through good n bad. He will have THE best homecooked meals, body rubs, arm squeezes he can stand. and of course i DO have my own money so im not looking to be taken care of. I want him to be treated w respect and feel like the luckiest man in the world. And i want that reciprocated im ways that are meaningful to me

[Billlewis]

I just started following you and I'd love it if you would follow me as well if it's okay.

[Summeroflove]

It does seem you’re jealous if you want a bigger ring lol. If you want something ask…. And you can always buy one. Lol. Talk to your guy about it. Communicate.

[Verdepaws]

Not all of my desire is from a mother theresa kind of place.
Are yours? Do you want a woman that doesn't care about how she looks or represents when she's on your arm? For instance, I know a lot of women my age that “let tgemselves go” and stop being as affectionate, and say that their man should love them as they are. And while theoretically true, most men are visual and like being doted on and want that treatment. And probably envy men tgat get it.
Well its the same for me. Yes i see my friends w beautiful rocks and i want one myself. If tgat make me or you bad? So be it

[Verdepaws]

And yah the ring topic has come up….. of COURSE we will talk about it. I work hard to look great, keep healthy, and dote on my man. he's proud to have me on his arm. I wanna be proud to wear his ring!

[Summeroflove]

Okay. Well I don’t measure love in material objects. But you need to discuss this with him

[Ozanne]

Your happiness, and showing him that you're living your best life now with a new man is way more valuable than any ring you can have on your finger! I find it funny that he had to make a point of buying his new wife a bigger ring though. That's the joke. It's almost like he sent a message to YOU that he's doing better, but he's doing it in such a way that just sucked his wallet dry as if he thinks that's all that matters.

Let's be real here, if you were to actually have a bigger ring, you're focusing a whole lot of ego for him to notice than to focus more of your happiness on your new husband. What next, better car? Better house? Just live your best life and put him in your past.

I think happiness is always the best revenge, and it's so noticeable on people when they leave bad marriages/relationships and enter better ones or retain a single life. They just have a sparkle about them that clearly says they took out the trash in their life and are onto better things.

If your man proposes, I hope it's with a ring that you will find beautiful, and the moment is memorable. That's what counts. If you have a daughter, just think what you might tell her if she felt this way. ♥

[Verdepaws]

Dear ozanne,
What a beautiful name even IF only for you avatar. I appreciate your well-thought-out response. Esp in a reactive world where judgement, blame, shame, and anger-gaming seem to be the go-to for the those whose feathers ruffle easily.
You know, i wrote my GAGgirls ask guys) musing on a whim, because the subject came up between me n my guy, never expecting the triggered answers, mostly from guys. But i also rcved some real gems to and I've chosen to focus on those.
You might notice my profile photo. I do not wear any jewels, only a stone neckalace held on by a natural string cord which i manually tie each day.

Because im ok w losing it if the universe wants it back.

The real gems come from real people. thanks you for your contemplation my dear.
I do not have a daughter, but i DO have two phenomenal daughter-in-laws and a grandson whose eyes are better than any diamond on earth.
What ever my man sees befitting for me to wear, i will wear it with honor💖

[Ozanne]

I am glad my words reached you! I too feel this way about gems. I often just wear plain gold myself, mainly because my hands are always into things since I'm always in the garden and I cook/bake often. I worry about knocking a diamond around! :)

Take GaG with a grain of salt. There are many very good people here, but when there are pests, I usually just ignore, and if bad enough, I'll block. Simple as that.

[Miristheiss]

You are delusional.

I'd advise this man to think twice about marrying you.

First, you were married 28 years? So you are about 50ish? I'm not sure I'd advise anyone to marry this late in life. Sure, have a companion but to legally marry again? Totally messing up an inheritance your kids will get because now a new spouse and possibly their kids are going to make a claim on the property, inheritance.

Second, "I AM NOT PRONE TO JEALOUSY" Yes you are. You just proved it by getting jealous over an exes ring. I assume your ex makes more now than he did when he was 20 and can afford a bigger diamond. He is your ex, you shouldn't care or even be aware of what kind of ring a new woman has.

"I AM NOT MATERIALISTIC" Yes you are, you just proved that by your actions and words.

[Verdepaws]

Nobody’s accusing you of your desires, but why are you judging me for want to get to get married at 50 and where my inheritance is going and what value is this in your answer to my desire. Yes, my profile says what age I am. I plan to spend my inheritance on my children and grandchildren while I’m alive instead of waiting just so you know.

[molonski2]

Its a really stupid thought process quite frankly and should be the absolute LAST thing you are thinking about , really poor attitude going into a pending marriage , just ludicrous -- Sorry. You are reacting to the divorce , not your relationship , Sabai Sabai , its time to start thinking with a lot more rational thought process.

[Verdepaws]

Sorry, but it wasn’t the last thing on my mind has come up

[Verdepaws]

And so I have before me some decisions. I have always been the one to ask for less and less. And I’m not sure that thought process has served me very well. I never said I was reacting to the divorce which happened in 2018 would rather I now have a choice of what kind of ring I would like to get feeling a little bit guilty about wanting a bigger ring. But I’m gonna say this. Accepting a tiny ring from my ex … Well, that was not a good thing in the long run because it set up a lot of expectations that didn’t pan out very well for me and I’d like to think that I’ve learned a few things

[molonski2]

For you and your thought process , I feel very very afraid. Goodluck you will certainly need it.

[Verdepaws]

What about me wanting a bigger ring causes such fear in you?

[OfMiceandMen]

My first question is, why would you even know his new wife has a bigger ring? If you are keeping track what is going on his life since you divorced, there are bigger things at play here than the ring issue.

Most people, when they divorce take a big huge step away from each other with the exception of picking up the kids and live their own lives. Why care what ring his new wife has, it's just not important...

[Verdepaws]

Ofmiceandmen silly! We share children and a grand child. So a lot of celebrations are at his/her house which is bigger n nicer for events. I have nothing against my ex. Sure i explain but no blame.

I still touch base w my ex if he should need a friend in the world n vise versa. I won't harbor bad feelings or take steps to avoid the two when occassions come up. We are a modern family where all the parents are divorced and remarried so we will be seeing eachother otgerwuse my poor son would have 6 separate thanks giving dinners to go to

[Verdepaws]

Like i commented earlier, if you want to ask deeper questions then do. But please dont assume

[Verdepaws]

The questions you ask come wrapped in judgement and scorn

[OfMiceandMen]

Okay, I see where you are coming from. I just don't understand the competition behind the ring, I guess its a girl thing. I gather most guys wouldn't care so its just difficult to wrap my head around it.

[Verdepaws]

Im not competing perse
I just want to show up in my own way if i do get married again. Show up differently tgan the girl that was okay with less-than treatment. I've grown a lot and learned you train people how to treat you and i used to expect small which is exactly what i received. Im not sure my sons even respected me when i was that way.

Ok and w men, Men like bigger cars some like bling, some like to catch the biggest fish. But rarely are men judged so harshly as a women who admitts even once that she wants bigger

[OfMiceandMen]

True, men do behave similarly and there's nothing wrong with wanting bigger and better. When I said there are bigger things at play here than just the ring. I figured your ex hurt you in the relationship and that is the reason for the divorce. Sometimes, we want bigger and better just to get over bad relationships. That's all I was referring to. Sorry, it came across as though I was judging... poor choice of words.

[Verdepaws]

Hi ofmiceandmen! And happy Friday eve. i accept your apology! Though not really needed. And i also apologize if i came off defensive or snarky. First off i really like the book ofmicenmen…. Literary genius as well as an easy read.

Hey, thanks for clarifying. I think people on internet forums are often quick to cast judgement, immune to self-reflection, void of empathy, and needlessly cruel and worse. The responses seem designed to destroy. And often times, there's a mob mentality to it Which is why i dont regularly participate in it.

Not YOU!!! Just explaining how a poster might get defensive.

[ShadowYamihiro]

Look if you are truly in love with someone you will marry then even if there is no diamond on the ring, that is real love in my opinion. Regardless of how much i love someone i would rather buy small ring and save that money for our future, if the girl really loved m e then she wouldn't even care about the damn ring cuz she gets to marry me and spend her live with me

[Verdepaws]

I married my first husband for being “really in love” after 5 years and bearing him a son he bought me a token ring. I always put him and our son before me. there's a saying that you treat people how to teach you. Part of tgat is accepting less than behavior from others whike continuing to put them ahead. Im still a very giving person, and treat my man as a king. I have my own money and can purchase my own jewelry cars and own my own home. But thats not the point. My man gets my best, and this time around i expect the best from him too. Believe me, our money will be pooled, and he will see the worth of my own bank account and for whatever is spent on a ring? He will reap that in spades. Its NOT about money.
Although it is funny that most people get triggered by me wanting a bigger ring and most people answers immediately from their own fears about what that might mean for them. Really interesting

[ShadowYamihiro]

Lol yeah its also funny how many times you mention money just in your comment here, don't try to talk about some random fear and point it at me just because i said something you don't like.57yo and still shifting things to others just cuz you didn't get the opinion you like, still much more growing to do for you

[Verdepaws]

Okay get her ring from a cracker jack box

[Verdepaws]

People in these forums love to answer w anonymity and think its courageous to answer from above. And insinuate how the op feels rather than take input from their answer

[loveslongnails]

Oh, ok... you're not prone to jealousy, just envy. LOL You want to a bigger ring from your potential new husband - has he even asked you to marry him yet - to prove to yourself that you would be loved more now than by your ex? Uh huh, that sounds very practical and non-materialistic.

Why don't you wait and see if Mr. New Well Off Guy even asks you to marry him, and if he does, what size ring you get! While you're waiting, give us his e mail so we can warn him. :-D

[Verdepaws]

I see that you’ve gotten quite visceral in your answer. There’s no need to take my question personal and get sarcastic or cynical. Nobody’s perfect and I revealed a small piece of my self which is also not perfect. But no need to wish me anything evil because of it because what does that mean you and what does that say of your character?

[Verdepaws]

I see your profile say “be a man, respect women”. Perhaps your idea of “respect” is conditional, in that if you hear something from a woman that rubs you wrong it excuses you from treating her WITH respect.

[loveslongnails]

Did I wish evil upon you? No. You have earned sarcasm and cynicism by your own words. You contradict yourself, but deny it. You fail to recognize what your desire represents, so you blame it on the responses of others. You say "oh, but I'm being honest". Ok, great. Your honesty just shines a light on the shallowness others see in you, which you say is not so. Well, you brought it up, and this is what others think of your statement. You asked for opinions, and your response is to attack the "character" of anyone who disagrees with you in the extreme! Like I said... give me his e mail so I can warn him of your passive aggressiveness and envy issues.

[Verdepaws]

Okay, be well

[Billlewis]

There is nothing wrong with wanting a bigger engagement ring, in my opinion.

[Verdepaws]

Billlewis, i appreciate your take. Its not easy to express an opinion that conflicts with an angry mob whose answers arise from a place of reaction.

We all want what we want im no different. I harm no one and have every right. And my character as a whole and how i feel about my guy are separate matters

[Billlewis]

I just think that if you're making that kind of commitment to someone, they should acknowledge your commitment and demonstrate their love for you.

[Verdepaws]

Awww billlewis, you speak the truth.

I like the word you use “demonstrate”.

I get an old fashioned vibe.
Committment
Acknowledge
Demonstrate

Really beautiful…..
thanks you

[strawberrybaby3]

Shows that you’re still harbouring feelings and worrying about your ex husband and his new wife rather than focusing on your own relationship.

[Verdepaws]

At the onset, this is the easiest way to see things
Unfortunately, it’s a bit more complicated than that
Living with my ex all those years was quite complicated and I don’t know what your age is but when you get my age, you’ve been around the block a few times. Yes, I want a bigger ring!!! I am honest enough to be forthright with that in this community. I am nowhere near perfect. And I have not asked for a lot of things in my life and maybe that’s where I went wrong a little bit. When and if I get married again (and if that’s what my new husband wants to do) I really wanna be able to show off my rock family occasions yes my ex, and his new wife will be. A lot of people have been assassinate my character here for wanting that. And I know that you have not been. Anyways, I have kids does young as you and I think they really wanna see me with the big rock as well. They know how much I’ve been through anyways have a good day and thank you for your answer.

[HelpfulWoman]

You are literally being materialistic and throwing a massive red flag that that's what you care about.

[Verdepaws]

I think we all have self-serving desires it’s part of being human and we all have a materialistic side, no matter what people would like to ideally believe ourselves perhaps you were perfect and you don’t want a nicer bag on a practical bag serve just as well maybe helpful woman you have never been materialistic in your life

[boggboss]

That your claims of not being jelouse or materialistic are not as true as u claim

[Verdepaws]

It’s true that I am not materialistic or jealous. This is an about those those two things. Some of it about making a statement that I’m better off. I know people would love to think that we are all perfect and that we don’t need to show people anything but if that’s the case why wear make up why wear bling at all? Why get expensive shoes or purses? And why drive particular kinds of cars? So there’s an egotistic side in all of us whether or not we like to admit it. It’s certainly easier to judge others and pretend like we do not have an ego of our own but of course that’s not true

[boggboss]

All u have done with your post is claim agin u are not those two thing then explain how everyone has a shallow side and that's fine so do u accept to a certain degree u clearly are jelous eof your ex new partner and for some reason getting a bugger ring will make u feel better about yourself because somehow your value is connected to the size of a ring

[Verdepaws]

My thoughts on one thing or another have nothing to do with my entire character as a whole, so there’s no need to attack that. Idealistically I would be mother Theresa and you’d be the pope. Unfortunately we live in a 3-D construct I need to deal with things less than ideal
So I want a bigger ring? Does that make me an evil human being altogether? Does that negate all that I’ve done in my life of high character I don’t think so. Just wanting a bigger car then your best friend make you a bad person as a whole. There’s just no need to attack all in all I’m just a human being. Some of that good, some of it not as good.

[boggboss]

Nobody is claiming u are evil or a terrble person u are the one that keeps bringing that up I'm simply pointing out that your claims of not being materialistic or jelouse are clearly not true as that singular even of seeing a bigger ring has stuck with u to the point of it involving a new relationship

[Verdepaws]

Its funny how you keep drilling and drilling on what i said in one part while completely ignoring other parts.
To be fair, to find the truth, we must look at the truth
The WHOLE truth

Because the half truth you are speaking about is worse than a lie

So put that in your pipe and smoke it

[boggboss]

Lol please what is this whole truth as u clearly are trying to ignore the part I'm talking about

[Verdepaws]

Ok goodluck on your journey✅

[boggboss]

And I hope u fix what broke you 👍🏽

[Verdepaws]

Is there wax in your ears. Youve been dismissed

[boggboss]

Yes u responded again😅

[Curmudgeon]

Put vanity and envy aside! Put that extra money towards paying off debt, a retirement fund boost, or home improvements for you both, instead.

[Verdepaws]

Hi curmudgeon,

I hear you, vanity and envy are 2/7 deadlies and i probably would fare better to place my energy on more practical matters.

Now, im pretty set with money and own my own home, car paid off. Perfect credit cause i pay people what i owe and as agreed. Dad in the military and travelled many places.

Never had a big rock.

Do i always need to be prim n proper curmudgeon? isn't there room for YOLO?

And dont worry my mans getting the best of what i can offer. I am a generous woman

[Billlewis]

I agree with you 100%.

[Curmudgeon]

Ok, addressing the YOLO angle, how about putting the money towards a great exotic vacation? An experience you will ultimately treasure more than just a bigger diamond rock.

[Verdepaws]

Why not have BOTH? We are both financially well-off even through the divorce. Although he a bit more than i.

[Billlewis]

Exactly. We can analyze this until tomorrow morning, but to me, all this means is that you're a diva (and I mean that in the most favorable sense of the word) and you expect your male partner's treatment of you and his actions to reflect that. I think that's one of the most desirable traits a woman can have.

[Twalli]

It's not a competition. If you really love this guy, then the size of the ring shouldn't matter

[Verdepaws]

Life itself is a competition, and I think we all know that. True that the size of the ring shouldn’t matter as far as the love of that person. But if that were all true, then why all the diamond commercials and wire girls are we showing off their rings? It’s a good question just think about it.

[Twalli]

They show off the ring because someone proposed to them. They don't show off the ring because it's a huge diamond. As for commercials, it's because we don't go off to a diamond mine and find a diamond that we then cut into a shape that can be in a ring we forge. They do the mining and forging for you to find a ring you like. They don't advertise the biggest and most expensive rings, because most people can't afford them.

[Verdepaws]

thanks for your response. Just know girls DO compare rings, and we do have a catty side to us that men do not. Yes i know why comercials are there no lessons needed. I meant there's a crrtain pressure in the comercials that diamonds are how you show your live and an implication that the dazzle of the ring is in correlation to how much you love her.

Which i think kindof sucks. I do agree how you said if you love the huy then size of ring shouldn't matter. That kind of softened my stance.

See i just always wanted a big rock. But maybe its not so important.

You seem standup. Any lady woild be lucky to have you.

[Twalli]

I didn't know that, but I think the main reason to show the ring in pictures isn't to compete with it. Rather to show someone wants to marry you.

[LiamJHayden]

28 years is how long I've lived, so I cannot pretend to know what losing a relationship that length is like. Just do what works for you and your new guy.

[Verdepaws]

Hi liamjhayden

Firstly thanks for not judging and instead offering a piece of wisdom. To do what works best. Really what works best is ever changing as is should, as life is ever changing. I had to let go of the old relationship in order to let IN more befitting

Regarding the ring. I've let go of asking for small because in life? Because All i rcved was small. Plus, i wasn't respected. I've let go of that belief system!

Now i think asking for and expecting big isn't a bad idea at all. As long as it comes from a good place.

Secondly, Losing the relationship was like having half my body amputated.

Yes i lost half my body it seemed, but a new one has grown, and im healthier for it

thanks you liam

[ProbablyClueless]

sounds like you are actually kind of materialistic lol

[Verdepaws]

Probably clueless,
We all have an egotistical side here on earth. I DO have my moments

But one swallow does not a summer make.

Maybe at one point, you took something that wasn't yours? Maybe you said something that hurt soneone. Or even lied? Maybe you even punched an enemy in a moment of confrontation.

Does those events describe your entire character?
And
aren't dont these moments provide us w an oppurtunity to decide who we are?

Lifes a journey

[ProbablyClueless]

Indeed, fair Eve. I am just as human as thee.

[exitseven]

I think that is okay. I always say that living well is the best revenge

[Verdepaws]

thanks you, because thats some of it. When you get treated like less than for a long time. Its kinda nice to show your a bit better off. This desire is just THAT. A desire…. separate from the love i feel for my man.

[exitseven]

😎😎😎😎

[anon1903]

It's natural to expect a big rock. But comparing? Stop that.

[Verdepaws]

Of course, it is natural to want a big rock but doesn’t saying that in and of itself, compare it to other rocks that you’ve seen? We all compare whether we want to or not. It’s probably not the healthiest way to go. And it’s not a good way to live in general.
When I wear something on my finger every single day
When I wear something that I’m never going to take off
It needs to make a statement

[anon1903]

Do you love him

[Verdepaws]

Anon1903, thanks for asking.

The answer is a resounding Yes! 👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻. And in pre-emptive strike fashion, my wanting a bigger ring is separate from my love for this man.

Im my own person, id love a nice rock, never had one, always the ogler never an oglee to-BE.

[anon1903]

I see

[Grond21]

Why? What is the reason you want a bigger ring than her?

[Verdepaws]

thanks for inquiring grond21! Well, my ex was kind of a cheap person when it came to me. I gave him everything i could in the way of money, love, children, what wisdom i had. In the en i was cheated on a lot and the money i made working 60hours per week was used to take ither women out…. Yes, i co-enabled all that. Just explaining no blaming.
Anyways after 5years marriage he did buy me a ring, a small one. It kinda hurt, esp since by then i had given him a son.
But yah he had the car while i took a bus etc etc. i accepted less-than and was treated as such.

So i finally filed for divorce due to the cheating and many otger things. And I've been doing a great deal of self-study, and improvement of my finances, social network, also w friends family, my sons.

here's something i learned. You teach people how to trest you n what your worth is by what you accept.

I accepted small and was treated small.

So yah seeing that nice ring on his now wife who earns much more than he (he works 1week a month) kinda ticks me because im human

I've never been much for jewelry or things
But you know what? Tge subject of a ring did come up. And i made the decision from place im okay with.
Some of it to
1) make a statement that im not only doing okay in life and romance, and maybe a bit better than before.
2) im with a man that can take care of himself and me (he doesn't need to cause i have a good job and hard worker)
3) and as another responder stated, that little bit of sweet revenge by living well. Of course the nice rock is one of nice indications at future get-togethers

Now im not saying i will, but i think my original post i was desiring that

Anyone who says they haven't desired similar things in different phases of life is a liar, and a hypocrite

Is it a mother theresa answer? No. But its the truth.

[Grond21]

Thank you for taking the time to explain all that to me. It sounds like you were very mistreated. I can understand your desire for getting back to him and making him regret losing you or at least showing him that you are doing better than his new wife.
But then whenever you look at the ring, you will always be comparing yourself to her. And comparison is the thief of joy.
Would it not be better to forge a new path where you're not even connected to him anymore? One that doesn't rely on comparison or any sort of negative feelings, but instead is building something positive and new and beautiful.

[Verdepaws]

Understood, you think the camparison portion might shadow the joy part.

I get that!!! Im be no means comparing in the sense it might be applied. Its a matter of measurement of condition from where i was to where i am now. And thats always going to happen. And probably SHOULD happen if people are ever growing and learning. For instance, a lot of parents mught want there kids to go to college. Thay are not saying their kids are better, but rather theyve taken the baton a bit further to the finish line. And there's a certain feeling that comes w when your kid graduates

So its not making me as better than her. Or vise versa. She seems like a fine person to me. Its about rcving the treatment i did (i did allow it so i own my part) when i was giving my all. And i want to come out of the other side just a little bit better off.

Tgeres a certain satisfaction in it

[Grond21]

Exactly. I think the comparison will always both overshadow and detract from the joy.

I get the satisfaction. I truly do. However, I cannot help but think it is not growth. In the way you are framing. Otherwise, you would compare it to the ring you got before. But comparing it to someone else in another relationship is leaning into vindictiveness. Perhaps even resentment. And those feelings are destructive to our own selves

[Verdepaws]

Grond21 you seem wise beyond your years. Have you been told this before? There is a heartfeel in your last response which touches my heart. thanks you. And Because of that heart feel i i shall truly consider your words.

And my trejectory has shifted because of it.

Just so you know, i looked at your profile and noticed a post of yours stating tgat there needs to be improvement on here regarding communication… people posting anonomously.

Sometimes people can be cruel and be ome afraid to post their feelings lest they be attacked.

I almost did that with this post due to the needless attacks but i think niw i won't go anonymous

[Grond21]

Thank you! I'm sorry it took me a day to get back to you. It's been quite busy. But I really appreciate your words as they are very kind. And yes, I have heard that before. It doesn't seem true to me, but perhaps that's my own blindness

I am happy to hear my words had an impact!

You're right. We do need better communication. There will always be a need for it, and we can only do our best for the small corner of the internet we participate in.

[Luckycharms12]

Stop worrying about size of anyone ring that doesn't make good loving relationship

[Verdepaws]

Thanks for your response and just so you know I don’t Lamento for it but I did have a guilty desire that was separate from the love that I have for this man I hope you understand

[Verdepaws]

*** lament over it”

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Stop comparing

[Verdepaws]

Not that simple. I want what i want.
And i choose to have some comparison
by the way We are always comparing ourselves/circumstances to others to give us a starting point on how to discern and measure where we are.

Whether it be grades, salary, speed of travel, prices, even dating app profile. etc. we are always comparing now if we let the comparing eat us up, thats one thing.

If we use the i formation to get us to the thing we desire, then its yet another.

Why this seems to eat people up is a better bigger question.