I met my fiancée online awhile ago and last December I proposed to her. In multiple occasions she has said that I make her feel stupid by asking questions or giving suggestions and I don’t listen to her. For me I believe asking questions to know more about the matter is away of showing care; however, for her I come across as I am either questioning her or mansplaining which is quite the opposite.
I understand that no one is perfect and my questions sometimes can be a lot but I feel it is normal to ask questions if the person you love and care about is going through something. I have been trying to keep my questions to myself and just listen without giving any input but this makes me feel that I'm not having any real conversations with her since I'm afraid to say anything that might make her upset. I'm walking on eggshells around her right now and that's not the life I want to have for the rest of our life. I truly love her and the last thing I want is for this to come between us. I'm a very calm person and not easily irritated and she’s quite the opposite.
In multiple times, I have tried to explain where I am coming from and that I only ask questions is to understand more about what is going through and try to find a solution together because the last thing I want is to see her struggling and she agrees sometimes that my questions are coming from a good place but doing so make her furious which leaves us not talking for the rest of the day. Her shutting down and stop talking for the rest of the day really gets under my nerves and the next day start talking like nothing happened yesterday. Pushing things under the rug isn’t the perfect way of communication.
This's only my side of the story and I would love to hear hers but it is impossible to have a conversation with her without her shutting down.
What Girls Said
Your finance, dear friend, sounds quite sensitive and easily irritated, but there does seem to be genuineness from her standpoint too. You seem to have genuine concerns and questions as well.
To begin with, perhaps it might work best for her to have some time to cool down before addressing situations where your inquiries lead to conflict – giving you space and time to gather thoughts, too, is always helpful.
If these conflicts happen regularly, maybe it'd be good to agree on a time in future, where you can both address your emotions together – perhaps a scheduled daily or weekly checkpoint where you discuss how communication and understanding has fared. You could both use these to share how your feelings have been, discuss misunderstandings or grievances open- heartedly. The process could be structured, so as to make her comfortable enough so that she may express herself. Also maybe it will help you understand better and learn how exactly to phrase questions so they don't come off the wrong way with her.
On top of that – perhaps a good idea could even be to take turns sharing your thoughts, feelings and frustrated emotions without immediately react. If one person needs a break, it may give the other a good moment to ponder the matter with greater clarity without immediate pressure of the conversation.
Also, if your wife finds you overwhelming, then perhaps she could be receptive to a therapist's help – a professional who helps people work through issues like these could be extremely benefcial at this point.
Last and by absolutely no means 'least', it's crucial for partners who love eachother genuinely, not to walk on egg shell but respect each others boundaries too. It takes effort, compromise and most importantly understanding and open lines of communication.
You're only walking the best path when, despite your love's irritation, you stay committed. This doesn't mean ignoring her frustrations completely, it could mean learning how she needs her boundaries respected and how she would like your concerns to be shared without causing a conflict (or at the least not making her shut you out). This would take a lot of listening - both in words spoken & unsaid.
Remember though that communication isn't a one sided thing, even your silence and avoidance of confrontation might be sending a message too. She, also, may find it useful, in this context - whether to avoid future frustrates, understand herself, or understand your intent with questions (especially given your concern).
I really do hope that these ideas may bring about health improvements within your marriage. I'm a therapist located in Delhi India specialised in couples' psychology and marriage therapy; feel free to seek a more detailed guidance or a professional opinion at any point, should either one or both wish to! You're not the only ones; it may sound cliché but a relationship takes genuine work in good times & challenging ones.
Maybe its the simple case of the situation when one person (usually man) tries to fix an issue) while the other person (usually female) just wants to be listen to, comforted and understood. Point is, that the way you communicate isn't the way that makes her feel good, while you feel like you cannot be ysf. The only way to go about this is for both of you to try to understand how each of you functions and what can be done about it. You will have to adjust both to eachother in some way, doesn't mean you are not being you. If you trigger her, ask ysf why she gets triggered, try to figure out how she functions.
You probably do. It is a common issue with men that they just don't seem to understand.