Though money and looks draw attention, what do you prioritize developing to maintain value in a relationship?

[caring__1]

People seem to focus a lot of attention on creating wealth or beauty to attract a partner, yet that’s like focusing only on the buildup to the wedding and saying everything after that is irrelevant. Once you’ve been noticed, other aspects are necessary to keep a relationship new and alive. What do you prioritize developing to keep a relationship new and alive, and when comparing it to your focus on money or looks, what percentage of your focus goes toward maintenance and growth rather than acquisitional tools?

[dynamicyandere]

For me, I don’t prioritize looks very much.


Good hygiene and ordinary is enough in terms of looks.


Where my standards are very high, is when it comes to their heart and soul.


Good character, good virtue, healthy communication, emotional maturity, alignment of values, extreme loyalty and commitment, and the list goes on.


I really go above and beyond, pouring my heart and soul into the relationships that I’m in.


I love with my all and hold nothing back.


And I look for that same level of depth and intensity to be returned.


I’m a Bonnie and Clyde type of guy — ride or die.


For me, it’s all or nothing when it comes to love.

[dynamicyandere]

In terms of maintaining a relationship, there’s a lot that goes into it.

But, I’d say the top 2 things are keeping your chemistry strong (never forgetting what drew you together in the beginning and always coming back to that) and spending quality time with each other in a way that continually strengthens your bond with each other.

[caring__1]

Too often, people minimize what brought them together in the first place. I'm glad you see the value in staying true to it. Also, quality rather than quantity of time spent together is an amazing asset. Often I hear people complain their partner schedules time for others or other things yet schedules nothing for them. The partner usually says "But you get all the rest of my time." To which the other person generally responds with "Right, while you're asleep." Scheduled time is focused time we give others, when we do our best to limit distractions.

[dynamicyandere]

@caring__1 Thanks. ☺️

Yes, there’s a huge difference between time and genuine quality time.

Giving your undivided attention and being 100% present feels completely different from time spent multitasking or time spent with your thoughts distracted.

It truly is quality over quantity.

An hour of truly focused/undistracted quality time is better than an entire day of being less than fully-present.

[Lliam]

I agree with the Marriage Box meme.

I think mutual regard, respect, honesty and trust are essential, along with good communication and a desire for your partner's joy, happiness and fulfillment.

[caring__1]

Being considerate of how your choices impact others will leave you wondering if you are the giver or the receiver, as you'll receive all you give, when you choose a partner who is on the same page as you.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I have had very good looking friends. When people saw us they assumed we were couples.

But we weren’t and would never be.

Not because they lacked money…

Nope, just because we wouldn’t get along romantically.

Something that made my ex fiancé different from all the men I’ve met was that:

His love to me was pure, he was gentle and caring to me in the sweetest way. He was patient and understanding, he was a great person and his mere existence in my life always pushed me to be a better person and a better woman.

So, I would say even if it seems so, looks and money aren’t always important to women.

[caring__1]

You shared what you got from him, but didn't mention what you brought to the relationship that made it special for him.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I’ll tell you what he told me after our break up:

“You are the most understanding, kind and supportive girl I’ve ever known. I loved you. You made me the happiest man once. You taught me how to love and trust. You always stood by my side and believed in me. You built me up. I am sorry, I didn’t end up being the man you deserved.”

That’s what he said after break up.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

And what he forgot mentioning is that I always listened.

We were long distance, so at that point I couldn’t do much more.

But he used to call me 2-3 hours everyday and I only talked for 15 minutes, I listened to him and shared his sadness or happiness and was just there for him.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I accepted him the way he was and never tried to change him,

I was ready to take on any adventure with him, anything that he wanted, I was his partner in crime.

I learned new skills to enjoy same hobbies with him.

He could tell me his darkest fantasies and I’d make them happen. There was literally nothing, he couldn’t share with me.

He was very honest with me. Told me his biggest fears and weaknesses and sometimes even felt lime I was his hero.

He would lose over and over again, come home and say, he wants to quit and he’s a loser.

I’d raise him up and make him believe he was the best.

As a result, he went to work and conquered it all again.

I think I was a nice girlfriend for a first relationship. It was my first relationship, I’ll be fat better in my 2nd one.

[caring__1]

He said "I loved you. You made me the happiest man once." It sounds like he had a motion picture in his mind but only saw you as a pleasant snapshot. Most people find it hard to maintain long-distance relationships and find them less than fulfilling. Though he appreciated the snapshot, it appears he needed something more on-going and present, and something that checked all his boxes. It's unfortunate he didn't come to this realization earlier... before you invested as deeply as you did. At least you got something out of the relationship... you clarified those qualities that have most meaning to you, which will make it easier for you to see future opportunities more clearly. You may be disappointed, as you'll find yourself rejecting more opportunities than you would have in the past, but the results will be more satisfying and fulfilling and enduring.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you. I don’t blame him for falling out of love.

2 years…. is a long time for being stuck in different countries.

He was a young, strong, smart, handsome man that many women wanted.

I wish we broke up earlier too, but we were engaged in the past and he wanted to try his best and so did I.

He told me at the end

“You are my first love and my first woman. You’ll always stay love of my life but I need something else now and I don’t even know what I need but I want to figure it out alone. Maybe I’ll regret it someday, but even if I do, I want to live and make mistakes.

Please, do everything you dreamed of. You’re the strongest person I know and you can reach all your dreams. I want you to meet someone who’ll no longer hurt you and who’ll treat you much better than I did. Please, forgive me. Goodbye.”

That was it.

[Selliebeanz]

Why did you guys break up?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

@Selliebeanz He got tired of Long Distance, fell out of love and betrayed.

[Yunakim]

As your username suggests , prioritizing care for each other's health , mind, body , feelings and your over all SO is the most necessary step. However its of no use if its one sided.

[caring__1]

What you say is true, especially making sure it is mutual (though not conditional). Any partner worth having will want to keep coming back to you for more.

[kylee2437]

Consistency and openness with oneself and me also. I like a person that does what they say they are going to do and also someone that is open about life in general.

[caring__1]

Consistency and openness are so rare, yet so valuable. Your partner must really appreciate not having to read your mind. Predictability is a key aspect of comfort.

[DaySpring]

Everyone has to develop a conscious relationship philosophy.

If you don't you are basically winging it.

Mine is simple. You build a joint vision together. Then you ask yourself who do we have to be to fit into this vision. From that point on you get on with changing your conditioning. You have organized meeting every week on progress and problems.
You have to understand self discipline to do the philosophy though. If you don't understand it on a deeper level than most it might be hard for you.

The point of it all is that you two are always on the same page and always in harmony with one another. Harmony doesn't mean you agree. It means you are an enemy. The second you and your partner become 2 sides... The game is lost. Exactly in that moment. It might not leads to a break up but you lost and if you keep losing you will do damage.

This is basic goal achievement. It's not some random, fancy philosophy.

[caring__1]

Molding yourself into what you believe the other is seeking will generally lead to frustration and disappointment, as the true you will always come out. Fine tuning who we are does work, but changing the essence of who we are for someone else can be disastrous.

I believe you meant to say "Harmony doesn't mean you agree. It means you aren't enemies." We're not always going to agree, but, hopefully, we can be considerate as we educate each other.

[DaySpring]

@caring__1 You mold yourself into what the vision is seeking and you both willingly choose the vision. Tbh we should have a solo made relationship vision before we meet someone and be aiming to become the person that fits in that vision because then we will naturally be a fit for the other person that fits in that vision. If you want a lasting relationship then you know you must develop kindness, control, and courtesy. That sounds so simple but a lot of people don't do it. A lot of people are loyal to bad traits as if they are those traits. People also struggle with control due to ignorance. Or it can be on the fulfillment side and we refuse to clean up gross habits. Control is the number 1 thing we all need. And self control can be simply defined as thought control.

And yeah that was a typo. But I do believe givers get when they give without wanting anything in return. Especially women. I think people are too glued to their identities and they are not their identities. That's just the role they are conditioned to play. But my philosophy is more about lasting than fulfillment. Obviously those two go hand and hand.

[curlyfirecracker]

Mantinence and growth, fully! Value experiences together, openess in conversation without judgement/fear, lots of fun sex, trust, communication, sex, respect, sex, vulnerability, more sex, growth together and supporting each other, a lot more sex... I think that marriage is NOT the destination, and love isn't a prize. It is grown with your best friend doing this thing called life that is hard and challenging. Loving a person is a commitment that takes daily effort, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and sex. Probably lots of that, too!

[caring__1]

That much sex can lead it to be an obligation and chore. Prioritizing connection rather than performance will hold things together a lot longer. Focusing on loving allows us to savor the journey. Always focusing on the end goal is just saying you just want it over already. Making love tends to be more drawn out and leaves us with a warmth that lingers long beyond the actual encounter. Focusing on orgasm and other extremes just leave us feeling insatiable and not quite satisfied.

Other than that, I agree with what you say, especially the safety of knowing there will be no fear of judgment or control and having a good balance between responsibility and playfulness.

[TheSpaceGnome]

1. Money doesn't draw my attention, and I don't use my money to draw a woman's attention, instead I hide my financial status to avoid gold digging, and no woman ever asked.

2. Value, growth, and acquisitional tools are not a relationship terms, this is a special kind of friendship, not a business.

3. New is not needed, familiar is needed, a spouse for me should be just like me mentally.

4. Marriage is definitely a beautiful box filled with all the things one longs for. If it's not filled with all of that, its the wrong box. Love is not learned, its instinctual, and it is not a give and take, love isn't about transactions at all, its much less logical than that. Love is the admiration and appreciation for that which brings you joy, it is something you do for a partner without thinking about it long enough to notice transactions.

[sheikalana]

Doing things for each other, consistency, good communication.

[caring__1]

Just make sure what you do has value to your partner. I knew a woman who felt what she brought to the relationship was a spotless house. She cleaned 24/7. When her husband asked her to join him on the couch and spend some time with him, she responded she couldn't take the time, as she had to give him the spotless house. Never assume what has value to you has value to your partner.

[sheikalana]

Me and my husband have been together long enough to know what type of things have value to each other.

[caring__1]

Being observant is a wonderful trait.

[exitseven]

Marriage takes a lot of work. You are no longer alone in the world and you would think that would be a good thing. It is also a big responsibility. Having somebody else's life to consider when making a decision was the biggest thing I had to get used to. My actions just did not effect mu but they also effected my wife and later my kids.

[caring__1]

Considering how our choices impact others is a very important part of any healthy relationship. As far as marriage (or any relationship) taking a lot of work, generally, if you feel it is a struggle and takes a lot of work, you might question your choice to be with this person. Yes, relationships require constant mutual effort, but it's only hard work if it's not working.

[exitseven]

it takes sacrifice and compromise. I look at the marriages of other people and they do not seem as good as mine. I consider myself lucky.

[Anemone978]

No idea.. we don't really put anything in to maintain the relationship and I already pretty much checked out.. I just keep the household running and he pays the bills.. but we are both hilarious so that keeps us from hating each other..

[caring__1]

It's your choice to settle or get some help to turn things around. Whatever you choose, I hope it takes you where you want to go.

[sheenagwapa]

my ex was my top most priority. relationship has always been my top most priority but then i got dump despite everything due to poor communication but then when i communicate he doesn't talk he just hate and expect me to read his mind.

[caring__1]

Never assume people are born with effective communication skills. If you want a quality relationship, take the time to find a professional who is qualified to teach both of you the simple basic skills. Would you want someone to operate on your brain who has had no training in this area but is a quick learner? There are key differences between male and female communication, so take the time to learn them, as well as what basic tools work well for both. There is a major difference between talking and communicating. Learn the difference before doing one and expecting the results of the other.

Both individuals and the relationship are the priorities in a healthy relationship. Putting all your energy in one direction and ignoring the others will lead to failure.

[Kristierose]

Honesty and definitely the ability to be able to tell her anything and everything that I think about and I ask for the same in return

[caring__1]

Openness and honesty adds special meaning to a relationship. She's lucky to have you.

[Tomisworthless]

Im unattractive effeminate insecure and lack personality and social skills relationships are a concept in my life that are separate from me. Its all business with me people dont like talking nor being near me. Women dont flirt or look at me if they have to interact its short and quick with an occasional insult

[cocoblah]

Good communication and caring for each other also matters

[caring__1]

Excellent choice.

[Billlewis]

I'm always trying to learn how to use as many trades, such as painting and landscaping, electrical work, and many others, to make myself as useful and valuable as possible.

[caring__1]

Guys often focus on what they can do, and though their talents are appreciated, voids can continue to exist in the relationship, based on the woman's perspective.

[CubsterShura]

The ability to be responsible for yourself and draw/respect boundaries. Otherwise it can really turn things ugly.

[caring__1]

These are important qualities for those who want a healthy long-term relationship. It's not about expecting others to meet your needs. It's about creating your own solutions and making the most of what already exists. Never seek more than you bring to a relationship. The imbalance will always complicate things.

Make sure to seek a clear understanding of the boundaries for each before investing in a relationship, and be respectful of those boundaries. If the boundaries aren't acceptable, be open and honest from the start rather than implying something you won't follow through on.

[inhua]

nobody is saying everything afterwards is irrelevant but the first steps are the foundations of the relationship. the Halo Effect will ensure the personalities mesh well

[LiamJHayden]

Common interests, good communication, and great conflict resolution skills.

[Nikki1989]

You need common interests, hobbies, and passions.

[caring__1]

Compatibility has more to do with not feeling threatened by the differences than having everything in common. If you like going to the beach and reading a book, while your partner likes going to the beach and surf fishing, that's not necessarily incompatible, even if your interests differ. Feeling threatened by the differences often has more to do with feelings of insecurity than anything else.

[Catarine]

Being each others bestfriends and solving any problems

[caring__1]

Being best friends adds a special dimension to a relationship. As far as solving problems, what works best is maintaining clear, open, honest communication, so problems are avoided.

People tend to seek out conjoint or family therapy to fix problems, yet pre-marital or pre-family therapy is more likely to broaden peoples' perspectives and give them tools to see and address potential conflicts before they actually happen. Is it better to learn how to reattach a severed arm or to learn how to avoid severing arms?

[WhitneySnow]

A caring relationship with your partner. Also romance.

[caring__1]

This is true, but make sure you both understand how each of you define these words. Assuming people have the same picture in mind, because they use the same words, can lead to disaster.

[WhitneySnow]

Okay

[Anonymous]

i believe you need to stop taking fentanyl.
And stick to traditional heroin.
Find a locally sourced 100% organic dealer.
And approach your addiction in a more holistic fashion

[Staximus]

Honesty

[caring__1]

Too bad it isn't valued by all for its true worth.