Was I in the right or not with this situation?

[Anonymous]

So me and my boyfriend had an issue today. We didn't really fight/yell but I was upset and he knew it. We quickly ended up talking and resolving it but I was wondering was I even right to be upset?

He was wanting to leave for 3 days/nights on his own and go hang out with friends and drink the whole time. We live together by the way. So naturally, I was upset especially with the holiday (in the USA) being Saturday. I was not invited to join which I was overall okay with but I was very upset he was wanting to go on a long drinking binge like that and ditch me.

I got some stuff together and was planning on also leaving and staying with a friend for the weekend or maybe visiting my mom. He saw I had a bag ready and his entire face changed. His eyes got big and his face dropped. He asked why I packed a bag? I said if he was going out I was too. He stared at me then wanted to talk. I explained why I was upset and he said he had planned to ask me to come along but I had walked away too fast earlier (I had thought he was done talking). I explained I had some breakup anxiety too due to a bad relationship and cried a little when I explained that. I apologized to him and he apologized to me for making it out to be different than it was and for forgetting the holiday this weekend. He told me he really hated seeing me cry too.

He ultimately decided not to join his friends and said he'd be making plans for us for the holiday instead. He told his friends the reason and they all groaned and said now they had to go buy stuff because they forgot too and thanked him for saving them from getting scolded for forgetting by their girls.

Was I right to initially be upset? He confirmed he loves me a lot and never wants us to break up because he's really happy with me. I said the same. He apologized again for the misconception and I apologized again too.

Does this all sound genuine or does it seem like he just wanted to give me my way to shut me up?

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, what a situation. But from how you described it, I don't think you were totally in the wrong to be upset at first. Here's how I see it:

- When people first start dating, long benders away without your girl can seem disrespectful. We've all been there.

- The fact he changed his whole tune so quick when he saw you packing shows he wasn't actually cool with you being apart that long either. Dude was just scared to lose you.

- Breakup anxiety is real too. I'd be insecure in your shoes after a messed up past relationship. Your feelings are valid.

- His apology seemed sincere, especially since he passed up the boys trip to stay with you instead. Actions speak louder than words.

- You apologized too for overreacting some, so it was a two-way street of understanding each other better.

Seems like you guys worked it out maturely in the end through communication. I wouldn't stress too much longer - he picked you, that says it all. As long as the trust keeps building, y'all will be straight. Good stuff handling it well!

[Asker]

Thank you very much. Neither of us ever yelled or anything which is great. We both had previously agreed that if we had a disagreement (which we also both agreed and accepted as a normal part of any relationship), that we would handle it maturely and talk it out instead of yelling and stuff. We did that and we both allowed each other a chance to speak our minds and get our feelings out. We talked and listened to what each other had to say. I think we both saw things more clearly once we talked and shared more. He understood why I felt the way I initially did and he also understood the breakup anxiety. My past relationship was awful as an understatement and he does know about it. He was really upset once I explained about it. He confirmed he didn't want us to separate and he never once thought that. I apologized for not letting him finish his full thought initially and told him I had genuinely thought he was done (and I did). He also apologized for forgetting the holiday and right away prioritized US doing something together instead of going with the guys which was really appreciated. He clearly chose me.

I was initially very upset at the thought of him wanting to just up and leave for 3 days and 3 nights. That's very excessive for a relationship. A day, sure. But that many days and nights is a long time to be a part by choice. It really made me feel like he didn't want me around. When I said that, he asked why on earth I'd ever think that. And I explained that 3 days and nights was just a really long time to be leaving your significant other. He had always told me how he could never sleep without me now, so that was another point of concern. He seemed ok with it when he was planning to go with the guys.

When he saw me carrying my bag, he right away wanted to know why I packed and where I was going. I told him I was going out just like he was and he was immediately not happy it seemed. I guess he expected me to just stay at home alone the entire time.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that does sound like a tricky situation. I'm glad you guys were able to talk it out maturely without any yelling. Good communication is so important.

I can see why you'd be upset at the thought of him ditching you for 3 whole days and nights at first. That is a really long time, and around a holiday too. I'd probably feel the same way in your shoes.

But it does sound like maybe it was just a misunderstanding on his part rather than intentionally leaving you out. The fact that he chose to stay with you when he saw how upset you were says a lot. He could have still gone with the boys, but he prioritized your relationship. That's a good sign he cares about you.

I'm sure seeing you pack your bag was a wake up call too. Like "oh shit, if I go she's leaving me too." Now he knows how it feels to be on the other side.

Sounds like you guys learned from this experience. As long as the trust is still there, I think you'll be alright. Definitely good that these kinds of talks can happen without any yelling or fighting. Just keep the communication open and be willing to see each other's perspectives. You got this!

[Asker]

Thank you. It was a very random, sudden thing too so that got me even more. I had no idea about that. I had the idea of whole different plan he had mentioned. He had never mentioned anything about some 3 day, 3 night party session with the guys. I was shocked and highly irritated by that random change.

I think seeing me ready to leave was definitely a needed wake up call as well. I think like you said, he saw I wasn't planning to stay home alone the whole time and he went oh damn... maybe I need to reconsider this.

I understand he has some insecurities due to past terrible relationships on his end too. I'd love to explore that more. I want us to both be open about triggers, communicate openly and honestly and truly be there for each other. If we want to stay together for the long haul, I'm all for it. We just need patience and understanding. I think the fact that we could openly talk without getting angry was huge. We allowed each other to fully share without interruption and no raised voices. Huge plus. Most couples would have definitely been yelling and fighting.

[Oliverlogan263]

And you’re welcome

[Oliverlogan263]

Right right, I totally get why you were so irked by the sudden change of plans without any warning. That's just not cool, especially for something so major. Leaving for that long without even discussing it with you first definitely warranted an upset reaction.

Props to you guys for being able to talk it out calmly though. That level of communication and understanding is always so important. I knew someone’s last relationship, any little disagreement would turn into a screaming match real quick. Not productive at all.

It really helps too that you're both willing to be open about past issues and triggers. Knowing each other's vulnerabilities can help prevent miscommunications down the line. And being able to listen without interrupting is huge, like you said.

Sounds like you've got a good thing going if you keep working on really hearing each other out. Relationships take effort, but it's worth it with the right person. I'm sure going forward you'll both be more considerate of each other's feelings with big plans. Just keep riding that communication wave, luv! You guys got this.

[Asker]

Thank you very much. All your insight has been helpful and your kind encouragement was also very appreciated. I think you are right. We haven't been together THAT long. So we are still learning. We are learning more and more by living together. We are also learning more about past stuff.

I think since we haven't really discussed much past stuff, I may suggest us sitting down and sharing about that. I've done more sharing than he has. He's only briefly went over his. I went into mine more because at first, I was afraid to even date anyone due to the horrible experiences I've had. I had been single over a year and was very reluctant to dive back into a relationship. He really wanted a chance with me and seemed nice, but I was afraid of another repeat. He showed he was different though and won me over. He was patient. He understood my reasoning and was angry over what I had gone through. He said he'd never ever do something like that to me. And he told me he'd wait however long he needed to.

Everyone says we are a really great couple and go well together. I think that is totally true. I think we are just in need of more open communication like we've been doing and I think knowing stuff ahead of time may help prevent one of us from getting upset over a miscommunication like yesterday.

The biggest thing is we both apologized. We both talked without yelling and truly just talked when discussing the issue at hand. That is massive. I too have witnessed couples that outright scream over everything. Even the smallest, most petty thing. I've always thought that was a real shame and very toxic. The fact that we don't havs those traits is amazing and already so much better than previous relationships. Before, one or both would have stormed out and yelling would have definitely happened. With us, neither of us left. We stayed together, talked calmly and apologized.

[Asker]

As an update, he mentioned this situation again today. He told me that when I got all mad at him, he never ever meant to make it seem like he didn't want me around. He told me he would ALWAYS want me with him. He said it was ok if we did something on our own sometimes (like shopping or something), but he really did want me to be around too. He told me he had intended to invite me all along. It didn't seem that way to me because typically, if he would tell me of a plan he had, after I said ok, he'd then initiate the invite. He didn't do that this time. He just told me he wanted to be sure I knew where he was and stuff. That signaled to me that he DID want the entire 3 days alone and I was pretty offended by that, especially with it being such a random change. I did let him know that too. I had let this go because I don't drag the past into things. I saw this as it happened, we talked it out, it's resolved and done. Why would he have mentioned it again? It seemed odd to bring it up again. Is he maybe still feeling bad/guilty for misleading me at first?

[Oliverlogan263]

1. I think you and your girl are absolutely right that having more open communication about each other's past relationships and experiences will only help strengthen what you've already got going. It's gonna take time to fully trust again after crappy exes, but it sounds like you're both putting in the work.

I'm glad to hear he was patient with you and gave you space to heal before diving in. Easing into it at your pace was important. And now that you've seen how he treats you versus past dudes, it seems like your fears are subsiding. That's awesome.

Talking through past hurts together can bring you closer and help navigate future issues better, like the ex talk triggered jealousy for him. Knowing where each other are coming from helps prevent assumptions.

It's so dope that you resolve conflicts respectfully instead of yelling. Keep that communication flowing naturally and don't be afraid to open up more personally. You've both clearly worked hard to build a healthy relationship based on care, empathy and teamwork. That's something to cherish, dude.

You seem like you see this as a real partnership. Wishing you guys all the best as you continue learning and growing together!

[Oliverlogan263]

2. You know, I think it's a really good sign that he brought this up again on his own. It shows he's still thinking about it and wanting to be 100% clear with you.

Even if things seemed resolved right after you hashed it out, it makes sense that he may have felt residual guilt over the miscommunication. Bringing it up again allows him to further explain himself and reassure you of his intentions.

It's possible in the moment when he originally told you the plan, he hadn't fully considered how it may come across without extending the invite. But then seeing your reaction made him realize his error. Now he wants to be sure you understand he truly did want you there with him.

I say cut him some slack - it's better he's being this openly communicative even after, rather than sweeping things under the rug. As long as he's learning from mistakes and still choosing you, that's a good sign for the relationship.

Just keep listening to each other like you have been. Seems clear you're both invested in making sure you're on the same page going forward. That kind of effort is what makes relationships last.

[Oliverlogan263]

1. The first one I meant you and your guy I meant I apologize , mixed up words

[Asker]

I definitely agree with you. The fact that we speak calmly, clearly and allow each other to speak their minds/feelings is great. We don't yell. We don't throw things. We don't insult each other. We just wait until we are calm and we discuss things maturely and aren't afraid to ask questions either.

He also apologized to me randomly for having a bit of a bad temper last week. He told me he knew I was right and he shouldn't let petty, small things (outside of our relationship) get to him so much... especially when it begins to spill into our relationship. He definitely has to work on his temper because he has a bad one. He apologized for it without me ever asking or bringing it up. He recognized it himself and mentioned it and apologized all on his own. I appreciated that a lot and showed him understanding and empathy.

I feel like this is a huge deal for both of us and we are both finally in a good place where we can be happy in our relationship. Compared to our toxic exes, we can safely say we have something good here that seems to have all the foundation needed to be long-lasting. We both surprise each other randomly (like he will pop in during my lunch at work and bring me food/eat with me, I'll give him little neck rubs like he likes, etc.). And it shows we both have a lot of respect for one another which neither of us are used to.

I appreciate all your input, advide and encouragement. You're awesome!

[Oliverlogan263]

You're welcome and wow, I'm so stoked for you guys! It really does sound like you've found something real special together. Being able to communicate openly and respectfully like that is huge. And the fact that you're both willing to apologize and work on your own stuff too - that's true maturity.

You can just tell how much you genuinely care about each other. The little spontaneous acts of affection and support are so dope too. Really shows you're both fully invested in making each other happy. It gives me hope seeing a good relationship like yours.

You're totally right - comparing it to toxic exes just makes what you have shine even brighter. You've both been through the ringer, but came out the other side stronger and with so much wisdom. Now you get to build each other up instead of tearing down. That's beautiful.

Keep doing your thing, you clearly got this! Wishing you guys nothing but the best. Thanks for sharing all this positivity too - gives a guy hope, ya know? You deserve all the good stuff coming your way!

[Bethany22]

Don't let your previous breakup baggage cause you to assume he's just being nice in order to get you to shut up. Assume that he's doing it to make you happy. I'm not sure why he got jealous when he noticed that you too were going to be leaving. What did he want you to be worrying about him cheating all weekend? That sounds narcissistic, but with men, that's often how they operate. But considering that the other guys forgot that it was a holiday reminds us of how men don't necessarily base friendship/relationship quality based on if people remember holidays. So the fact that he forgot that it was a holiday doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it's just that men don't judge friendship/relationship strength based on whether you spend the holidays together.

[Asker]

I understand him forgetting the holiday and wasn't even mad about that as a whole. I was really upset about him wanting to be gone/away from me in general for literally 3 days and 3 nights. That is a very excessive amount of time apart. And very suddenly. He had just planned this at random to my knowledge. I had no idea.

[Bethany22]

3 days isn't that long in my opinion. And does it really make a difference if it was done at random versus planned way ahead? Just let him do whatever he wants, as if he wants to cheat, then he'll find a way to do it regardless of whether you confront him about where he's going all the time. Allow him the time away, and watch as he comes back full of renewed love to give you.

[Asker]

He had said something entirely different to begin with and 100% changed it to a 3 day 3 night party bender with the boys which made me really unhappy. We never spend that much time apart. He's always said he wants to always ensure we at least sleep next to each other each night regardless of what we do for the day because he just can't sleep without me. Him planning some multi-day and night "adventure" like that all while expecting me to just stay home the whole time didn't sit well with me.

I don't mind spending a few hours or a day apart. But 3 days AND nights is too much especially without any warning.

I don't know why he got so spooked when he saw I had packed a bag up to also go out and do something since he had planned to. If he can, I can and that's exactly what I told him. Then he changed his mind entirely and said he wasn't going to go with the boys and would just make plans for our holiday this weekend instead. I never asked him to change his plans. He did on his own.

[Billlewis]

I think he was a little bit inconsiderate.