Should partners still help tidy after themself and help out a bit around the home if they work full time and I dont?

[Anonymous]

My partner works full time & i stay at home , my children have recently started school but its still hard to find a job in the hours i need to work around the children, I've mentioned to my partner for me to start working too if he can help with the kids sometimes he just gets annoyed saying he can earn more than me so we have always left it he works n i keep ontop of the home and children then when i drive i can keep trying to find work that i can do around out children However when he comes home i would understand have a little rest but all he does is laze about, im starting to get annoyed because he will be sat there on his phone while im trying to do everything with the kids cook clean as well as dealing with mom mom every second read there bed time storys baths put them to bed everything. Meanwhile my partner will have his food not even wash his own plate up just puts it on the side n does absolutely nothing to help” he says because he works” the other day i stood there for hours cooking his dinner asked him to go shop to get fairy liquid so i could do the dishes but he diddnt. I ended up cooking going shop doing the dishes ironing the kids uniform read there storys put them to bed wash his work things while he sat there. I question myself if i have the right to be annoyed because he does work and i dont but he's sat there having everything done for him since he's home and then i still have loads to do come 9, oclock?
he also will moan to me everyday about how his works been and issues he's had thats causing his stress etc yet every time i have a nag about something he gets annoyed says he dont want to hear it i have nothing to stress about. he will tell me times he home so i do food then he will be back hours later not eat it because “its dry “ so then i have to make something else for him , sometimes he says he dont fancy nothing and will ask at 9/10 oclock to make him something and he still doesn't help with even his own plate after having the food

[RavVid]

It is quite a reasonable division of contributing to the home for one to work and the other to take care of the home. If he can earn more than you, the household might be better served with you supporting him to work more hours.

It is not so unreasonable to want your partner to be your peace after a stressful day. It is not unusual that work necessitates finishing off a job. If he has a physical job - like a trade - then he will need to rest.

My take on where things are going wrong is:-

Obviously you and your husband haven't found a working rhythm that works well for you both and you need to. At this point your routine is looking like you are butting heads together.

I used to tell one girlfriend that "requests will be honored but demands & orders will be refused" but she never really got that. I think have good look at that side of it, parking any self justification. Neither of you will like orders - nobody does. On the other servicing requests can be rewarding.

You and your husband need to let go of the head butting is my overall take.

[Asker]

I pay all the bills and everything myself too he gives us money for food some weeks due to him not giving us regular income every weeks I've had to claim for my own money because he will also not help fetch the kids from schcool for me to earn money through work and im struggling finding a job around the hour i need at the moment so i pay the bills etc and food and weeks i haven't got much money left he will give us money to get food i feed him out my money and then he gets a shop or things needed when i have none left... i feel like im doing absolutely everything surely just reading to his own kids sometimes to take 1 job off me woukdnt hurt fair enough if his wages get split but im providing all the bills and that as well 🙁

[RavVid]

I'm getting that the division of work is not fair or efficient. I'm not really understanding how the finances are working.

Obviously I have no magic wand. The home/household is really a workplace and you need to motivate workers in a workplace. It does take time to build that up and motivation can be destroyed with one ill chosen sentence.

It isn't much to take your plate to the sink and rinse it in all truth. And as a father he should be wanting to spend some time with his kids and reading to them is a good way to do that.

I am thinking being motivating is your best ploy in your situation; asking for help and expressing appreciation. With the girlfriend I mentioned if she asked me to do something and gave a time frame I was quite happy to do so. If she made the request in a manner of a directive order than it just put my back up and got a no. She was also very immediate, wanting something done NOW when it didn't to be and that exasperated me.

I'm not saying you are doing this, I'm just saying what got me - as a guy - uncooperative and suggesting this is something to avoid.

[OlderAndWiser]

If I earned the sole income for the family and my wife stayed home to take care of the children and the home, I would expect her to do her job as throughly as I do mine. Are you spending more than 40 hours per week cleaning and cooking, etc?

As for him not listening to your complaints, is that all he hears from you? If not, then next time he complains about his job, tell him you listen because you know he needs to vent his frustrations and you should be able to do that with a partner, and you have that same need to vent your frustrations.

[Jasmin01]

Perhaps you married a Neanderthal or a prince because he believes that you are only there to serve him and put up with his whims. A sensible division of labor is absolutely necessary and there is nothing wrong with him earning the money and you, because you are not working, taking care of the household during the day. What's not okay is that when he's at home he just sits around lazily and bosses you around. I can only recommend that you discuss this with him. Maybe he has some insight. If not, try to seek advice from someone who might also be able to influence him.

[DizzyDesii]

This is why both partners should work so that one can’t rub in their face that “I work and you dont.” Both people should clean up behind themselves as well. Chores and bills should be split. Both parents should take care of their children. I get that you’re still jobhunting or presumably working part time but he's still an adult and should do his part as well

[coachTanthony]

We would have a maid and a chef and my wife would be out by the pool.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man, that sounds really frustrating! It's definitely not cool that he comes home and just vegs out on his phone while you're doing everything. Even if he works, you both live there so he should help out some. Maybe tell him straight up how you been feeling - like you said you don't work but you're still busy all day too with the kids and cleaning. If he wants food when he gets home, he should at least help do his own dishes after. And asking you to cook something late when you're tired is lame. Just cuz you're home doesn't mean you dont need a break too. You should have a chat and try to work out something fair where he pitches in a bit when he's home, so you both get rest time. Communication is important, don't let it build up and cause bigger problems, ya know? Hope you guys can find a good solution!

[PizzaDaddyo]

Hello. Um, 30 y/o man speaking. I work overtime hours most weeks.
I clean up fa sho like a boss. Room, laundry, dishes, kitchen, vacuum.
Don’t even get me started on the yard work and gardening do for fun.
I once used to be a super slob. I still slip from time to time and that is normal. No now have a better routine and I’m liking the clean vibes as it’s way better for my mind.




I’m not dating a bum/slob whatsoever It’s the least you can do if the “worker” is sacrificing time you can’t get back, risking their life, breaking their back, struggling out there, dealing with annoying ass people, commuting, spending time away from you and other love ones, shitty boss telling them what to do, getting yelled at from the boss for BS, coming into work sick, hungover, injured and working through it.

[HelpfulWoman]

well duh. EVERY ADULT should be able to do basic chores to tidy up after themselves. Anybody who thinks otherwise are outdated dumbasses you'd be better off to cut out of your life.
You wouldn't keep a phone that can't do the bare minimum. why would you keep a human being?

[HighValue]

If only one partner works full time, the other should do ALL the work at home because they will still be doing FAR less work when they are the one at home. It is only poorly organized people with bad time management skills that can't get things done in less than half the time around the house as compared to the person working full time.

There is no way you are doing 40 hours worth of work around the house each week.

[Asker]

I clean my home everyday get it spotless i will always find something to do as i love a clean home weather you believe it or not i can't say i clean 40 hours a week maybe i do maybe i dont ino i do a lot of work a day.. having children with toiletting issues and suspected autism and adhd can make it hard to keep the place clean.. i can get the home spotless its not just simple washing laundry etc i like organising take the blinds down few times a week to clean them doing the bits you dont see everyday.. and every week he brings home new work tools so im forever having to have a sort out to find space for them (you must not understand how long it can take to clean a home when everyone just throws everything about in there) all i ask is after I've spent all day cleaning for him to just clean up after himself not just throw clothes on the floor etc like he's another kid then soon as the children are home they may have a accident somewere due to there issues so then thats something needs to be scrubbed straight away again all they do is run round throw there toys about there very hyper and were in a little flat that i will clean then they was trash something else etc.. its not just cleaning then it stays clean.. ill clean all day then when him and the children are home the children are trashing the place then he's creating loads of mess and not cleaning uo after himself to so after them being home for 2 hours it looks like i haven't even dont hardly anything that day.. not to mention i pay all the bills to.. he doesn't give us a regular income so i have had to claim benefits due to him also not wanting to help get the kids from school so i can earn money for me.. i must be poorly organised and have bad time management because i struggle to keep it clean when i have children and a partner who trash it soon as its cleaned💁🏼

[ɹǝʇʇɐɥpɐW]

Some stuff, like generally picking up after himself, sure. Though I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to do more at home when you don't have a job.

That being said, if he's the reason you don't have a job, on top of the disrespectful way in which he chooses to treat you, then perhaps he's just a dick. And if that be the case, I'd strongly urge you to find a way to be independent. Find an escape. Life can be very long when you're unhappy.

[Anonymous]

While I don’t believe he should be a pig, leaving thrash, clothes, things around, I think that’s is your job. I’ve been w my wife for 15 years, she had that all down in a short period of time. She hasn’t worked all this time. Took care of 5 days, 4 kids, the house, laundry, etc. Some things you say make me think he’s a little bitch, but most of that should be done by you. On the weekends I can see him helping out. How old are your kids? I work a lot of OT, plus I do all our yard work.

[Opinion Owner]

*5 dogs

[Asker]

I do everything at home while he works but my kids age 5 and 6 and are so hyper. They have struggles themself being tested for autism adhd and 1 has toiletting issues and soon as there home there throwing toys n everything about making loads of mess 1 may have a accident so im having to scrub things that have been weed on etc and things that take half hour take 2 hours when its mom mom mom and there constantly fighting and he doesn't even think to help with them or just read there bedtime story it gets annoying when i spend all day cleaning because i love a clean home then the children get back make a mess that i have to clean up again ( which is understandable there kids) but then he will also come back and create more mess and not tidy up after himself so then unless im cleaning until what time on the night when he's been sat on his bum since 5 /6 it looks like i haven't done anything all day (not to mention he only gives us some of his wages some weeks some weeks dont give us anything ) so i had to claim my own benefits to provide for myself and my kids and i still do him food etc out of it i pay the rent the bills snd he has put his name down at the address were his friend lives because he would have to provide for us out his money else and weeks he can see im struggling to get food etc he will then give us money to get food he works some weekends to has some off and he's self employed and does have the odd day off now and then in the week and weekend which he will spend the whole day in bed until the kids finish school then he may poo round one if his friends.. and if he does have weekends off.. the majority of those get spent in bed then might do something for a hour with the kids around tea time

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sorry to say this but you should have picked someone better. Didn’t you realize this after one kid? Even before kids?

[DextroShade]

That's the division of labor in a marriage: he goes out and busts his ass at work to provide food, housing, clothing, etc for you and the kids while you stay home and take care them and the house. Your grandma likely did the same for your grandfather without complaining, and in truth you still have it better than every other generation of women who lived before you so stop complaining and woman up like they did!

[Anonymous]

Work on inside of the home should be inversely proportional to the work done outside the home. Meaning if he is working 100% outside the home, and you aren't working at all, the home falls 100% to you. If you were working as much as him, you'd split it.

[Opinion Owner]

Those that believe that chores should be shared when one partner works, and the other does not are idiots.

I told my wife that she should work if she wants.. I would never tell her not to work, I mean who doesn't like extra money? But she has chosen not to. I do my best to not make messes, but after I have worked between 10 and 12 hours in a day, when I get home I'm not doing anything.. Period. Unless I'm cooking that is. Cooking is one chore I won't give up.

[Asker]

I wouldn't say “shared” course not i do most in the day just do a little to help when home.. do you provide for all the bills etc.. because he only gives us money some weeks maybe 1 or 2 weeks out the month he will give us 100 pound so i have to claim on benefits and now im providing for me and my children myself pay the bills out my money etc if he knows we need something and i have no money left he will get it but he doesn't give us a regular income most of it goes on his cars etc i pay the rent electric internet everything he gets the food some weeks i dont stop cleaning our home its all i do because i hate a messy home so when he's back i feel it wouldn't hurt just washing his own plate sometimes or when i am cleaning back up he read the kids there bedtime story to help just seems like im on my own at the moment i do absolutely everything round the home as well as support myself 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Opinion Owner]

I cover 100% of the expenses in my house.. It sounds to me like you feel like he should be giving you money. I don't pay my wife anything, but she has access to our joint accounts. We discuss our expenses, and budget.

[HaleyCatgirl]

Okay after himself yes the home to a degree but I don't think mainly if you're home unemployed and he's trying to make money at vice versa both genders otherwise they're going to be living with the cockroaches but at least you'll get to name them all

[D_Bone_Steak]

TL;DR ... wake me up later with a blow job.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Both partners should pick up after themselves, both partners should generate an income and cover half the bills. Both parents should tend to their child's needs, and alimony payments or property forfeiture upon divorce should never happen.

[Monalisa77]

6hmy sister and bil work long hours for amazon and still do the basic cleaning

[MissBoogus]

When my boyfriend works full time and I’m home all day, I expect myself to do all the housework. Minus a few things like heavy jobs or yard work etc.

[Boat4Fun]

Helping should be for both. I came into a home with a wife and her three kids. I worked and made sure everyone was taken care of. But I noticed it was expected and I got no respect. But it my issue if I said I felt used.

[LiamJHayden]

In theory since I do not intend to ever marry or live together, I would clean because I make Monk look normal when it comes to that.

[Harry_mm]

Yes, but don't exhaust him, Just anything simple to feel like he's house work too.

[Daffotul]

themselves yes