I think my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He disagrees. Am I right?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend likes to party and I don't. I do not drink at all and he's known this as long as we've been together. I still make an effort and hang out with him and his booze buddies and even play games with them (just using non-alcoholic beverages instead). Most of them are nice and welcoming. There are even a couple of them that aren't heavy drinkers, so I hang around them a lot. It kind of bothers me when I see him drinking so heavy though. He will tell me he isn't going to drink much then he ends up VERY drunk... to the point he can't talk right, can't stand without wobbling and can't drive home.

I feel he has a drinking problem because he will tell me he doesn't want to drink, then as soon as a certain friend contacts him, he is GONE. He can't say no to that friend. One time he said he didn't want to drink, but he knew that friend would want/expect him to. I called BS and said he needs to be firm and just say no. A real friend would understand and respect the decision.

He also drinks more than he plans. He'll say he's going to have a few beers and stop. He ends up drinking more beers than I can keep track of plus any and every other form of liquor he can get his hands on. I also notice he starts wanting to party whenever something bad happens. Like someone close passes away, he gets bad news, it's an anniversary of a death, etc. He says he does it to "unwind" during hard times. To me, that screams alcohol issue because he is using it as a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with his feelings regarding whatever negative situation is present.

He denies this and says he isn't a problem drinker because he doesn't drink daily and denies using it to cope.

Last time he drank, he did ask me if he got as bad as I said once he was sober. I told him yes, he did. He asked if he got violent and I said no, but it was very out of hand. He didn't say a lot then.

Am I right by saying he does indeed have a problem with alcohol?

[Oliverlogan263]

Luv, from what you're saying it really does sound like your boyfriend might have a bit of a problem with drinking. A few things that make me think that:

- If he can't say no to drinking with that one friend even when he says he doesn't want to, that's not really normal behavior. Like you said, real friends should respect what you want.

- Drinking way more than he plans and not being able to keep track is definitely a red flag. Most people can control how much they drink if it's not an issue.

- Using it as a straight up coping mechanism for stress or bad situations is 100% not good. That's how dependency starts to form.

- The fact that he got that messed up that you had to ask if he got violent says something too. Like you weren't even sure how out of control it was.

I'd try talking to him seriously when he's sober, not during or after drinking. Tell him you're worried about his wellbeing and the relationship, not judging him. See if he'd be open to cutting back or taking a break to prove he's not dependent.

If he won't admit there could be a problem at all, that's not a good sign. You can't help someone who won't help themself. Just be careful - an alcoholic partner can really drag you both down if it's not addressed. Trust your gut on this one.

[DARKCLOUD1945X]

Time to say goodby. He is not going to stop and all of your telling him to stop and pleading with to stop is for naught, He loves his drinking buddies more than you. If you marry him, it will not end good it will only get much much,, much worse and if kids are involved you don't want to know. Family experience hell on earth. So think long and hard on how you want to live your life. Please don't think you can save him. The success rate is near zero

[serious_miss419]

During anyone’s addiction, it’s not anyone’s business to call them out on it.


If he is in active addiction, you have to make a choice whether or not to be with an addict.
Try a local Alcoholics Anonymous

[exitseven]

Yes, it sounds like he has a problem. He needs to decide to work on it. You cannot do it for him

[JacobJordan]

only an addict would deny being addicted to their addiction. a non addict wouldn't feel the need to deny it. they would just laugh it off or ignore it

[DryGermanGuy]

Record him and play it back to him when he is sober. Sloppy drunks are the worst.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yes, sadly he is a chronic alcoholic

[Asker]

See he absolutely denies it and says no way does he have a problem. Everything about the situation says yes he does. The bad influence friend whom he can't say no to is even worse. That guy is a massive alcoholic and even drives drunk. At least my boyfriend doesn't drive drunk, but yes, he does have an issue.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Also, when it gets to the point that someone has a serious substance abuse problem, and it involves physical (such as hitting, knocking one to the ground or floor, using weapons on one) is a sure sign that their substance abuse problem is chronic and serious.

[Asker]

He hasn't gotten physical or violent, but he did make some really bizarre accusations while drunk. He was saying I had feelings for some other guy. That is very far from true. I don't whatsoever. He told me he wasn't making accusations when I asked why he was accusing me of that. He also told me I didn't need to raise my voice because he wasn't raising his. I wasn't yelling at all. I acted a little shocked because I was, then I simply told him (in a confused voice) that no, I did not have feelings for someone else. He told me if I did, we'd never work out. Well no kidding, but I don't! It was insane how he was acting that time.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

This is sad when one has a substance abuse problem, I wish you both the Best of Wishes, but always remember never to allow him to bring you down.

[Asker]

Thank you. It really hurts me to see it, especially when he sits there and denies everything I say. At least everyone here has given me a lot of reassurance. I'm not crazy - I really am right. I just hope he comes to his senses and stops this before it's too late.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

You're welcome. If you need someone to talk, I'm here, and I keep things civil on here. People on here can tell you what kind of guy I am. I always keep things for real. I don't like people who abuse others.

[Asker]

Thank you very much.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

You're very welcome!!!

[DextroShade]

This would be a problem and there is nothing more annoying than being sober around drunk people. I recommend you leave him if he won't clean up his act.

[ThrillSeeker01]

I think you're right. He might need help

[Anonymous]

How many beers will he have in a night? If he doesn't abuse u or anything. Who cares

[Jamie05rhs]

Yes, he does. Absolutely. 100%.

[Asker]

Exactly what I think. He says he absolutely doesn't. I see otherwise. The last time he drank, he started making insane accusations too. He was saying I had feelings for some other guy and everything else. I told him that was insane and I only had feelings for him. I've never done anything to make him think I'd be doing something behind his back. He said if I should hold my phone where he can see when I'm texting a male friend then otherwise it's like I'm hiding stuff. Again, crazy. I have told him the names of my couple male friends and he has met them. He knows we text sometimes and it is 100% platonic. I don't have and never have had romantic feelings for either of them. He said if I had feelings for another man, we'd never work out then told me I had no reason to get offended and raise my voice when he wasn't raising his. I wasn't even yelling at all. When he first mentioned me having feelings for someone else, I gave him a weird look because I was shocked. Then I'm sure I sounded a little offended when I told him I didn't have feelings for someone else... because I was. That was absolutely false. If I wasn't sure, of my feelings, I wouldn't be with him. He also told me he wasn't accusing me of stuff. Saying I have feelings for someone else IS an accusation. But again, he was drunk as hell, so trying to have a conversation was next to impossible.

[Asker]

I did tell him my concerns with his drinking. I explained every reason I had for feeling like it was a problem. He just said no, it wasn't like that, he'd never throw his life away over it, he didn't have a problem, etc. All the signs are there though. You don't have to drink daily to have a problem and he doesn't understand that. He also completely denies he uses it as a coping mechanism. Then why does he start drinking anytime something bad happens? That's using it as a coping mechanism 100%. He denies it. He also denies risking health issues. I have tried telling him heavy drinking, even not daily, can and does negatively impact people's health. He just says he's fine and has no problems. How does he know that? Oh wait, he doesn't.

He is totally in denial and I don't know what else to do.

[Jamie05rhs]

Technically you shouldn't be texting with other dudes. Just saying.

You need to make some female friends.

[Jamie05rhs]

But yeah, he definitely has a problem.

[DARKCLOUD1945X]

Why are you still with him. Are you trying to talk yourself into staying with him? Most people here are telling you the same thing get out. STOP PLAYING AROUND YOU ARE GOING TO GET HURT OR KILLED BY THIS IDIOT! You are not going to help or save him he does not want to be saved he loves his drinking buddies more than you the sooner you realize that it will be easier to leave. Find a real man who loves you more than his DRINK and DRINKING BUDDIES and FRIENDS