“I see a future with you, but can’t prioritize the relationship right now because I’m still tryna build a foundation.” Is he stringing me along?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been dating for a year and I started asking him serious questions, and it’s not easy because I don’t want to seem desperate or make him feel like I’m pressuring him. He just graduated and recently started working. He works a lot of overtime and has crazy early schedules. I asked him because I just want to know if he has a plan or a goal for the relationship. I want to know if I’m just wasting my time. I asked him and he said “You asking me again and telling me you’re scared you could be wasting your time makes me think I should just stop trying. I’ve never had anyone asked me what the goal for the relationship is, in my past relationships and I don't know. I’m just not used to it. I just don’t think that far ahead. I do see you in my future yes but the relationship is 2nd to my priority right now. like I said before I don’t even have a foundation. I’m trying to build one.”

I love this man and I do understand what he means and where he’s coming from, but having the relationship as a 2nd priority? I don’t even know. That didn’t made me happy at all. He is trying his best to show me that he cares and he loves me but even after that conversation. I’m still left confused thinking where do I stand with him. Do I stay or should I leave him be?

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I'm afraid I don't interpret this in a positive way for you (I could be wrong though so please don't jump to conclusions).

Building a foundation is a very mature thing to do and somewhat placing the relationship as a second priority (just focus-wise, not necessarily value-wise) actually makes sense. I'm not sure it's wise to say that out loud though, and if so, I'd distinguish between what I want to call "focus-priority" vs. "value-priority". You can prioritize focusing on something of ultimately of lesser value to you because it requires more immediate attention.

Where I'm concerned is that I'm not sure if he really prioritizes the relationship much at all. His language is so callous, like just saying he sees you in his future rather than saying he wants you in it, and suggesting he just stop trying without coming back to his senses. If that was just overstressed talk and he really cared about you being together for a whole year, I would think he would have apologized corrected himself not long after.

I've actually been in these shoes before with my wife when she was just my girlfriend. I got promoted to lead a project at my company just months into dating, and I tried to date her in the little spare time I had and I was so distant and preoccupied thinking about my work on those dates.

Yet I really wanted her above all else so I told her along the lines, "Babe, I care about you so much and I've been unfair to you being so distant and with my mind elsewhere on all our recent dates, but this recent promotion has me overwhelmed by responsibilities I've never had before. Would it be all right with you if we ceased dating for just three months? We can keep in touch but I really don't think I can be the date you deserve until after I start getting things sorted out with my new project and team." Then she agreed and we kept in touch and we shipped the product three months later and I was able to date her left and right after that and give her all the attention she deserved.

Yet compare my tone to his. It's possible we just have radically different communication styles. If not though, I am worried he just doesn't really care about the relationship very much because being overwhelmed shouldn't make us forget what we truly value.

[Zestyassmf1997]

Absolutely. What the fuck does that canned line even mean? What a load of crap.

[rosemilk]

heyyy so i'd leave him if i were you. it doesn't seem like he actually sees a future, he just wants his cake and wants to eat it too. no commitments or anything. you clearly want something more and you deserve something more. this guy just isn't it! the way he started acting a bit defensive over a very common and valid question is just a red flag

[LazerBean]

Classic example of a man who is casually dating so that he can get sex but hasn't actually thought a relationship through. A year is a long time to be dating and still have gotten nowhere. And it's especially sad because it sounds like he's a man who is at least in his late 20s who is still having this teen/early 20s problem. Total waste of time.

[Anonymous]

This is very common for men. They typically feel they need to work and provide in a relationship. If you have only been together a year that’s okay. Don’t rush it. Women tend to place a much higher priority on relationships than men in my experience. Hang in there. he's young and trying to make something of himself, stick by him if you think he’s worth it.