His depression killed our relationship?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend in a LDR for more than one year. We have done a huge effort to maintain this relationship: We spent long periods of time together and we meet once a month; we shared spaces in each of our countries, we meet our relatives and friends. Last year we were even discussing options for me to go live with him and finally end the distance.

Now, we are facing a difficult moment: a couple months after we decided to formalize his dad died. This whole year has been an effort to also face his grief and his very long depression (he considers to be depressed even before his dad passed). Now we gave us a break to decide if we will continue with the relationship.

I'm populated with doubts. When we first meet he ghosted me during three months and he told me he did that because he did not feel ready to have a relationship (his dad was still alive but very ill). Now, one year later, we are having a break for the same reason: he told me he don't know if he can handle a relationship, our relationship specifically, because of the effort it will imply me moving there.

Can anybody provide guidance to understand better this phase? I'm scare we will break up because of his depression and not because the relationship is not worth it.

[Oliverlogan263]

Hey girl, I totally understand your doubts and concerns in this situation. Grief and depression can really take a toll on relationships. A few thoughts:

- Your boyfriend is clearly going through a lot emotionally with losing his dad and ongoing mental health struggles. That level of pain is so hard to deal with.

- At the same time, you don't deserve to have your life and happiness put on hold indefinitely while he figures things out. Your needs are just as important.

- It was probably good of him to suggest a break so he can focus on himself without the pressure of couple stuff right now. But it also gives you space to think too.

- It may help him speaking with a counselor - they could help work through his grief and see if he's in a place to give you both what you need relationship-wise.

- In time, he may feel more able to commit once he gets proper support. But for now, you need to take care of you too, girl!

- My advice would be use this break to focus on you, spend time with your girls, do things that make YOU happy. His process isn't on your timeline.

You got this - trust that no matter what happens, you'll both get through this. Stay strong! Let me know if any of that helps at all.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with the depressed is hard work. Not many people are up to that challenge.

[Asker]

Have you ever faced something similar?