My boyfriend keeps showing my picture to everyone despite my asking him not to?

[Anonymous]

The thing is. I was raped at 21. And abused a lot. I dated a lot of men who took me to these expensive dinners and what have you just to use me as arm candy. They'd speak to all these rich men and I don't know it always felt really uncomfortable. They wouldn't dance with me or anything.

They'd give me money for clothes dress me up and have me on their arm but there was no intimacy at all. They always focused on my looks and it felt so supercial

So I took a step back for 5yrs from dating and focused on myself and mental health.

This time around I met someone I loved for who he is.

But this is my first real long term relationship. I'm doing everything I can to make it work.

But the lines are blurring between who I am and what he wants

I really dislike pictures. I don't want attention focusing on how attractive I am anymore.

But he always begs for pictures because he's currently working far away. Then he kept pushing to video chat. I was uncomfortable with it but I gave into his pressure about that

Now he's showing my pictures to everyone it seems he meets.

And they always say "oh she's so beautiful "

But it bothers me it feels like he's bragging. If you value me why can't you just have me as your best kept secret?

It really bothers me because I told him how guys sort of used me in the past for brownie points with their friends/colleagues and I really want to be respected.

If I am out of line here please let me know.

I know I am very reserved and can be not very fun

He feels like boundaries feel like rules. or I'm being controlling.

Is it a rule? Maybe it is less about the pictures.

But more about the constant lack of respect and regard for my boundaries

Or I need to grow up and stop letting my views on life restrict people from doing what they want when it pertains to me?

Is am I controlling?

I'm so terrified I worked so hard to be mentally healthy I need help.

[Still-alive]

"If you value me why can't you just have me as your best kept secret?"

He thinks you're beautiful and likes to tell others about you. So he does value you very much. in my opinion his heart is in the right place it seems but just going about it in a bad way (for you that is).

Anyway if you expressed to him how uncomfortable it makes you then its on him now to take it seriously and respect it. if he can't do that then well maybe he just isn't the one for you as you thought. Respecting boundaries is very important.

[Asker]

🥺 thank you so much for your comment your advice really made me feel like you really understood me I've done therapy and counseling and I'm new to setting boundaries identifying my triggers and so forth so I can have a healthy relationship and it felt really strange that I kind of tell him things I'm uncomfortable with and he feels like he has to force exposure to me to help me to like get over it.

I dont want to stop anyone from expressing their love and enjoying their relationship the way they want to. I just have a difficult time differentiating from if im expressing a boundary or being controlling. 😩

But I get really scared when he shows my pictures off. He says his coworkers show him pictures of their family and their wives and he felt jealous so he showed a picture of me.

But in my head I was worried like "isn't that showboating? Like look what I have" hah I don't understand relationships well I'm so glad I came and asked for advice first before I spoke to him about my silly little fears and anxieties.

I dont want him to feel like he's walking on egg shells

[BoopBoopBeep]

"I'm so terrified I worked so hard to be mentally healthy I need help."

Uhm... your journey isn't quite done there. I wish you the best of success though.

[Asker]

Thank you I really appreciate you a lot I'll look into finding another mental health program im so grateful I asked for advice I don't want to mess this up

[BoopBoopBeep]

Hey no problem! You'll get there. Just remember, even a marathon is handled one step at a time.

[PeachyPie93]

Most guys if they really like you, they want to show you off. If you don't trust him with your pictures don't give him any.

[Asker]

Oh okay thank you so much for answering I did not know that I can tell I have a lot of trust and fear that's impairing my judgement I really appreciate you taking out the time to help me!

[PeachyPie93]

He isn't showing your nudes is he? But if he is pressuring you to do stuff, just end the call. If he actually liked you I don't think he would pressure for nude calls.

[Asker]

Yes that's exactly what happened. When we first dated everything was going well. I made sure to be transparent and tell him about my previous rape. I told him how I was abused. And how I really saving myself for marriage. But he kept pressuring me asking me relentlessly over and over again every single day to show him my private parts on camera show him my butt my boots it felt like goal posting. And he wanted to masturbate to it because it is a form of intimacy? I've never had a boyfriend before and I kept saying no

And everything I did finally do what he told me to. I would have nightmares and flashbacks. But he says it's normal and he's trying to help me get over what happened because he didn't do it and he doesn't want to be responsible for something that happened in my past.

So I started to worry and thought maybe I am protecting my past onto my relationship! And I started to get anxiety and came on here to ask advice. He always wants me to take pictures in my underwear for him.

And says the relationship without sexual intimacy is not a relationship at all. And I need to do my part. Caring for his needs?

[PeachyPie93]

I don't know I would tell him to delete all pictures and I would start to pull away. You shouldn't let guys make you feel pressured for stupid things. If he actually loved you he wouldn't dump you for it if he does, well good riddance. If you do breakup be sure not to send nudes again because they are out there forever, plus they could try to blackmail you with them.

[Asker]

Okay I will thank you so much for your advice ill ask him to delete him and then I'll slowly speak to him less and less. And okay I won't send any more pictures thank you it means a lot you took the time out to give advice and were kind and respectful toward me. I hope you stay safe and have a good rest of your day 🫂 🤗

[KrakenAttackin]

You sound like a mess.

[Asker]

Yea I feel like one too. I'm really not sure because he kept pressuring me to expose my naked body on video chat Even though I kept telling him I'm waiting for marriage. And i dont feel comfortable.

Then he would yell at me and tell me how this relationship would be nothing without him. And how he is a good boyfriend the least I could do is satisfy his needs. So I started doing what he wanted. But I felt really confused after.

So now I'm like is it okay to let him show my pictures to someone? Is it about the pictures or does this person just not respect me?

How do I get respect from people? I do not understand

[Anonymous]

Stay away from men over all.

[Asker]

Okay I will. Thank you for your help I appreciate you a lot for your time 🫂

[kareka]

Red flag if he show people it