Why is my boyfriend getting valentines card off his close girl friend when we are trying so hard to work on our relationship?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been together 4 years. 2 years ago we moved in with each other it was too soon and it didn't work out. i suspected cheating happened. We broke up i moved out early, he slept with the girl i suspected less than 2 weeks after i moved out. He also slept with another girl 2 months later we get back together. He denies the cheating, said it was only flirty with the first girl when we were together so i got back with him knowing how i felt on it, i wanted to work on things so did he. All last year we rebuilt and worked on things. September he gets a new temp job, all year he's said he wants to make new friends and he does at this work place. Suddenly he's on his phone a lot and going out so i ask. We had a mature reassuring conversation about it he understood my anxieties on it. but we talked it through. I will note i do have mental health struggles with severe anxiety. Anyway i noticed a girl he was speaking to a lot. Due to my insecurities i was uncomfortable. he's talking to her, day to night everyday. He's become quite close with a few people now. This girl is sticking out to me. On NYE when we were with friends he was just on his phone talking to her. i called him out. In January we are in a very rocky place, egg shells. I've started therapy to help myself.. i go through his jacket and in his wallet was picture of him and 2 friends one being this girl. He has his arm around both (fine) but she's gone up and held his hand. I Confront him and like i said last egg shells so we took some space. We talked all night we are both going through it emotionally but want this to work, but why take a picture like that when trust is being rebuilt. from then till yday he's been very reassuring showing how much he wants this to work. Yesterday i found a valentines day card from this friend expressing in a paragraph how much he means to her and calling him hot? we have both been going through it, if he wanted to leave he could. why entertain this?

Updates

2 mo

i have not met this new group of friends, she is a complete stranger to me. if she knows about him being in a relationship why the hell would you give a valentines day card expressing this stuff and calling him hot..

when i confronted him, he said he thought it was a thank you card for coming to one of her shows recently. He said i won't understand the dynamic but how can i when I've not been introduced and if thats your dynamic the its very inappropriate.

Updates

2 mo

what confuses me is he as well as me have been going through it, trying to make this work, confronting our mental health struggles and become better people. He's not the most emotional but he is when it comes to us i see how much he cares, like i said he's been so accommodating and reassuring this last month. He knows how i feel about this girl already after the picture. But why stay if this is you dynamic, clearly its not just a friendship to her. if he wanted to leave he could a long time ago

[Oliverlogan263]

Okay love, this is concerning in so many ways.

It seems those past trust issues were never fully resolved, and now this "friendship" is crossing serious boundaries. A Valentine's card? Really? That does not scream "just friends" at all.

I understand you're working on things, but you also can't fully heal without honesty and transparency. Some real talk is needed here to get on the same page. Does he really want to work it out, or is he keeping you on the backburner while entertaining others?

Personally, I'd tell him this card is completely unacceptable considering your history and what you both said you're trying to rebuild. His reaction will say a lot. Put your foot down -- you deserve someone fully committed to gaining your trust back. Love, respect yourself enough not to settle for less. Keep me posted, yeah? You've got this.

[Asker]

Do you think I have right to ask him to cut her off. I’ve never really asked that before. The girl he slept with after we broke I understandably said no more contact. The second girl was integrated in a friendship group so I said, I understand she’s in social settings, no 1:1 hanging out and if she gets weird cut it off and tell me

This time I’m so over it and just wanna tell him to cut this girl off but it feels wrong to ask that

[Oliverlogan263]

Damn, girl. I don't blame you for being over it at all after all this drama. And honestly, I don't think it's wrong of you to ask him to cut this girl off completely. A few reasons why:

1) She has clearly crossed boundaries by professing feelings for him in that Valentine's card. That's disrespectful as hell to your relationship.

2) He's shown really poor judgment by accepting it and not shutting her down hard.

3) You already didn't feel comfortable with how close they were getting, and your distrust is totally justified based on his past behavior.

4) Establishing clear no-contact is a reasonable boundary to rebuild trust after everything you've been through.

5) This "friendship" is obviously an issue and source of drama/stress in your relationship. Cutting her off eliminates that problem.

At this point, after all the sneaking around and excuses, I think you need to lay down the law sis. Tell him the Valentine's thing was the final straw, and if he really wants to make things work, she has to go 100%. You deserve to feel secure, not constantly questioning his loyalty.

If he cares about your relationship and making you feel comfortable, he should respect that simple request with no arguments. Your mental health should be priority over this ho's feelings. You got this! Don't let him keep disrespecting you.

[kylee2437]

Girl , it’s not your insecurities that are causing problems, it’s him disrespecting your relationship and lying to your face because he doesn’t want the relationship but is probably too comfortable to leave. You are clear cut facts that he doesn’t respect you as a person, why would you think twice and blame yourself for that? You are wasting your own time

[prettygirl20A]

i think you should not be jealous because i am going to be honest with you jealousy is what mostly motivates guys to leave their girlfriends so i would recommend for you not to be jealous.

[kylee2437]

This is dumb. Women should not sit there and allow a man to keep disrespecting them over and over again, especially at a time where their relationship is dangling by a lose thread. Stop telling women that they need to comply to disrespect to keep a person around that isn’t respectful

[Asker]

so you dont think its an issue a female friend gave him a valentines day card expressing how much he means to her and calling him hot? i feel like regardless of history its a questionable thing to do or no? im lost and confused

[HelpfulWoman]

lmao, why did you even go back?

[Asker]

a lot of love there. he said he didn't cheat when we were together. flirted at most. maybe im just too insecure to believe i deserve better lol. I don't know its all complicated

[HelpfulWoman]

he literally told you he was flirting while you were together.
Even if you hate yourself, there is NO REASON to stay with someone showing you how little he fucking cares.

[Billlewis]

That obviously doesn't sound encouraging.