I got hurt/upset because he forgot. how to let it go?

[Anonymous]

generally my boyfriend is good at remembering a lot of things and he's also a smart person. I've learned a lot from him. anyway weve been together two years and we have a great relationship. we very much care for each other he's basically my best friend.

so one night i was at home (we dont live together) and i was just having a bad night and i was overthinking pretty bad (worse than usual). i got anxious which was normal for me, but then eventually it got so bad i felt nauseous and threw up in my bedroom. that wasn't normal and that was a horrible night for me. i told him about it the next night because i think we were both busy that day. he reacted in a way that comforted me and let me know he cared about me. he felt bad, worried, and overall just being an amazing boyfriend.

this was a couple weeks ago. however, just tonight we talked about something that reminded me of that time and i was like "lol remember that night i threw up from being too anxious" and then i found out he doesn't remember it at all.. he tried guessing which night it was and that made it worse because they were so far from when it happened.

anyway i cried instantly (and quietly) on the phone but didn't let him know because thats pathetic but it just hurt me so, so much. I don't know why. i told him that was a very bad night for me i didn't think he would forget that happened. so tonight i found out i had another level of anger. i wasn't shutting down or arguing with him like usual, i was very calm but very very upset. he was like "i never saw you acting like this, you must be really pissed", but he says he feels bad and doesn't know why he would forget about something like this. he's also asked me what he can do to make me feel better but I don't know what that is.

im pretty hurt and as irrational as it sounds, also upset. at the same time i think about how its not his fault that he forgot (?) but I don't know how to let it go.

Updates

2 mo

hello gag, would appreciate it if you dont feature my question. thanks.

[Flatmanlewis]

Okay. There’s a few things here. Are you overreacting? Yes. Absolutely. Here’s why: he cannot “feel” your feelings. What felt like a horrible anxious filled rush of dread was NOT the same thing for him. He didn’t form the same connections to the event you did. Therefore, he’s simply not going to store it’s memory the same way. If he loves you and cares for you then focus on that, not a failed memory of a obscure and insignificant night.


How do you let it go? Well, you base your perceptions of this man on the totality of who he is. Do you really think it’s fair or reasonable for him to remember all your bad nights and feelings? In fact, why would I you want him to? The less he thinks or knows of your wild moods the better. It will give him two choices - to TRY to remember every anxiety filled moment of your life OR worse, to falsely claim he does when he’s doesn’t - starting a pattern of deception, all just to avoid your anger.


Lastly, as a man who learned to contend with the beast that is PTSD I learned something valuable of value to you. Feelings are not always right. The stronger the emotion, particularly when connected to a insignificant trigger, is probably false. “It is not my significant other’s responsibility to regulate my emotions. This is my responsibility.”


Save the angry for real transgressions. Cheating. Lying. Embarrassing you in public. Financial irresponsibility.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo this totally makes sense why you'd feel hurt by him forgetting something that was such a big deal for you. A few thoughts:

When we open up about vulnerable stuff, it can feel like a lack of care if the other person doesn't seem to remember or give it importance. But people forget things sometimes - it doesn't always mean they don't care.

Rather than focus on being upset with him, tell him again how alone and scared you felt that night so he can understand better. Letting him in on how it impacted you could help it stick in his mind this time.

Maybe look at it as an opportunity for you both - you to keep speaking up when you need extra support, and him to keep actively listening and learning about what matters most to you. An honest mistake doesn't erase the caring he's shown otherwise.

Give it some time before deciding if you can let it go. For now, let him comfort you and make sure you feel heard. The hurt will fade - trust that your bond is stronger than any one forgotten detail. You've got this!

[Anonymous]

It's understandable that you feel hurt and upset about your boyfriend forgetting such a significant event for you. It's not uncommon for people to have different levels of memory or attention to detail, even in close relationships. However, it's essential to communicate your feelings calmly and openly with your boyfriend.

Consider expressing to him how his forgetting made you feel, emphasizing that it's not necessarily about fault but about the impact it had on you. Let him know that you appreciate his concern and care, but that this incident triggered deeper emotions for you.

Finding ways to let go of the hurt might involve discussing strategies with your boyfriend to enhance memory or attention in your relationship, if that's something important to you.

[noohair]

Women remember everything, men, not as much. That is their caveman brain.