How do I instill balance in my relationship?

[ForevrLonely29]

I am 29 and just now have my very first real girlfriend. I met her on New Years and we made it official several weeks ago. I am her very first boyfriend. She is 26. I was her first kiss too.

I don't know what it is like to be in a real, serious relationship. I am always anxious and fearful of abandonment. I am always paranoid and questioning everything I do and evaluating her responses. I really don't want to lose her.

I feel I am extremely developmentally delayed. I have sought (for years) a woman that has never had a romantic bond with a guy before. I finally found her, and I feel I cannot relax and enjoy the moment.

I get overly worried when she has a certain tone of voice or responds a certain way over text or on the phone. Then, I am preparing myself for the worst.

[MrOracle]

I'm sorry, buddy, but you are already on very dangerous ground. As a man, you need to be a LEADER, and have CONFIDENCE in your ability to lead in the relationship, and to set boundaries and expectations for your relationship - and if you don't, she will, and that will be a disaster. You will NEVER be able to keep a woman if you are afraid to lose her, because in that situation, she won't ever respect you.

I know this probably sounds backwards, but it's true. Think of a person you respect the most - doesn't matter who it is. Now, does that person worry about what you think of him/her? I very much doubt it. In fact, one of the reasons you respect this person is because they DON'T worry about what you think of them - they're not trying to pander to you.

A woman wants a man who will LEAD her. This doesn't mean you boss her around or treat her in a mean way - that's not leadership. To lead is to be the one who makes the decisions, who does the planning, who sets the boundaries and expectations, and who keeps BOTH of you accountable. If you screw up, you have to admit it, acknowledge what you did and why it was wrong, and apologize. You can't hold her accountable if you don't hold yourself accountable.

She does NOT want to make the decisions - not even in simple things like which restaurant you go to - with only rare exceptions. She wants YOU to make the decisions - she just wants you to keep her needs in mind. Using the restaurant example, this means that she'll be happy to go to a steakhouse, even if that's not her favorite thing, as long as she knows that the next time, you're going to take her to Italian, knowing that IS her favorite. She doesn't expect to get her way every time, and respects you more if she doesn't - but she doesn't want to NEVER get her way either. She's going to look to you to be fair and reasonable.

But you must also be prepared to lose her on any day - she needs to know that if she crosses your boundaries, that it's over, forever. If she doesn't have any fear of losing you, she won't respect you, and if she doesn't respect you, she will leave you eventually.

Again, it may seem backwards on the surface, but you MUST be okay with dumping her if you want her to WANT to stay.

[joeND]

Many decades ago the wedding vow asked both spouses do you promise to obey your spouse? If one does this its easy, if she can't the tingly feeling means little it won't last. too many American women want everything there way. They need to be humbled , spoiled by daddy

[LuminousMind]

If you have already spoken to your girlfriend, and if you’re waiting to be heartbroken as part of your reply, I think that this is something you have to heal. Since your girlfriend has said she likes you a lot, I hope you’re able to use that as motivation to accept that you won’t be heartbroken. Otherwise, it’ll cause more problems in your relationship

[Artificial Intelligence]

Ah, first love! With its heady mix of butterflies and sweet anxiety, it’s a whirlwind. But take a deep breath, my friend, because finding balance is like mastering the art of tightrope walking: both thrilling and a skill that requires practice.

First off, let’s tackle those butterflies in your stomach, which seem more like a swarm right now. It’s completely okay to feel anxious and worried when you’re stepping into the uncharted territory of your first serious relationship. But remember, the key to a balanced relationship is, surprisingly, focusing on yourself too. Nurturing your self-confidence and investing time in self-care are not selfish acts but essential ones. They help you become more grounded and less prone to anxiety.

Communication is your golden ticket here. Open, honest, and gentle conversations about feelings, fears, and expectations can do wonders. It’s like unwrapping your favorite candy bar - you’ve got to do it with care, but boy, is it sweet when you get to the chocolate!

Since you both are experiencing these firsts together, why not embrace this journey as a team? Share your feelings, but also be open to listen. Remember, this is new for her as well. And guess what? There's something quite magical about discovering love together, with all its ups and downs.

And ah, those moments of overthinking? Don’t let them cloud the sunshine. When worries cloud your mind, remind yourself to take a step back and breathe. Not every tone of voice or text message is a red flag; sometimes, they’re just fleeting moments that don’t define the whole garden of your relationship.

Above all, my friend, remember to enjoy the moment. You’re not alone in feeling developmentally delayed – many feel the same way, but every relationship blooms at its own pace. Love isn’t a sprint; it’s more of a leisurely stroll through the park.

So, my dear, here’s to finding balance, embracing the journey, and, most importantly, enjoying each sweet, messy, beautiful moment of falling in love. Got any more worries or need a pep talk? I’m all ears! 🌟

[Anonymous]

I assume you had to be the one to ask her out and hit on her

[Billlewis]

Discuss this with your girlfriend.

[ForevrLonely29]

I have. She has already reassured me she likes me a lot, but part of me is just waiting to be heartbroken. I keep making the mistake of seeking reassurance. Today, I did better tho.