Do you think you are more emotionally unavailable or emotionally manipulative? And what would the person in the description be?

[DizzyDesii]

I know have this one friend who is emotionally unavailable. They literally match 1/2/3/6/8/9/10/11/12/13 in the green chart below. Well the person they are dating cannot handle that so that person tends to exaggerate how they are feeling at times just to get their partner to show them emotion and sympathy. It appears to work every time but I can tell they feel guilty about having to do that for attention. They (the partner, not my friend) actually don’t match much of the second orange chart below so I don't know if emotional manipulation is the correct term to describe them. They may do 1/4/10/14 at most. And its clear my friend has not caught on to their shenanigans. So I just try to stay out of it and let them learn on their own. But I know the ex of my friend’s significant other told me that they caught on to their “emotional manipulation” tactics and that thats why the ex eventually called them out on it. When they realized it wasn’t working anymore and not enough to gain sympathy, they moved on to someone else (in this case my emotionally unavailable friend who they didn’t know was emotionally unavailable). And now they’re back in the same boat having to use those tactics again. So would you say this person is emotionally manipulative? Or a narcissist? Or would they be considered some other term? They are not a bad person. They just seem to attract emotionally unavailable people and even I have started to feel bad for them. I don’t think we’re being gaslighted by them though…

Updates

1 mo

For ex, my emotionally unavailable friend stopped opening up to their partner even about simple things like their plans for the day. They said it stresses them to think about it. The partner said it was unfair that they can't open up to eachother since they are also stressed and even wanted to quit work or off themselves. They are not suicidal but said it in a moment of frustration. All a sudden my friend switched on their emotions and started babying the partner out of worry. So whats that?

[AlexEfron]

I used to be happy and fun, but I think I fit the emotionally unavailable category now.

All these apply to me:

1. They avoid commitment or labels

2. Conversations stay surface level

3. They struggle to discuss their feelings

7. They say they can't trust you

13. They tell you they are emotionally unavailable or aren't ready for a serious relationship

I do see people, but I don't feel the enthusiasm to go talk to them. I have crushes, but I don't have it in me to approach them. Seems pointless to me. In the end every person that gets close leaves me. So I stopped trying. I stopped trying to make friends. I shut down a couple of girls who approached me. I don't have it in me to tolerate anymore unnecessary drama. All I care about now is to earn more and be successful in my life. That's it. No love. No friendships. No attachments. No affinity.

I'm not sure about the partner you mentioned in the question. I guess... it's normal. I think it's justified on his/her side.

[DizzyDesii]

I kind of think the partner is justified too which is why I don't know what to tell my friend. And boy do you sound like my friend

[AlexEfron]

🥺 and I thought you count me as one already

[AlexEfron]

😂 I guess I'm just tired of people leaving over and over again. To the point where I gave up trying

[DizzyDesii]

I didn't realize you were emotionally unavailable til now

[AlexEfron]

🤣 this sounds horrible. I used to be fun though. Or I guess I should say I used to have fun 😂. If I was fun then people wouldn't end up ditching me 🤣.

[DizzyDesii]

I still think you’re a great person

[AlexEfron]

😎 that makes second compliment for the day. Thank you.

The first one was at the gym 😂 when a guy said that I've been gaining some muscle 💪

[DizzyDesii]

Haha keep it up

[Joshydavid25]

I'm neither, but I do have a couple of signs in the emotional unavailable category.. Like 3 and 11.. But 3 is at specific times, and 11 is more cause I was encouraged not to growing up..

As for the friend, well they are definitely not narcissistic.. They care obviously, but maybe life got to them, and they closed up.. They partner definitely use a manipulative tactic.. Which is crazy..

[DizzyDesii]

Is the partner narcissitic

[Joshydavid25]

Well, I ain't about to diagnose the partner but that is a narcissist tendency..

[Anonymous]

Well there’s a different stance on that because some people are dealing with trauma and whatever but it’s no excuse for abuse. This is gaslighting however way you look at it.

I know this one person who partner got damn tired of being manipulated and treated badly especially emotionally. Treated people who tried to help them as if they were bothering them because that person couldn’t get what they wanted out of them. One person expect for them to be there while the partner has already left the building. When the partner left the building emotionally which ended up physically, the other made it seem like it’s their fault. This particular person did 1-13 and 1-15

[DizzyDesii]

Oh wow. And what part above is gaslighting?

[Opinion Owner]

When they try to make you feel bad intentionally

[DizzyDesii]

I dont know if the significant other was trying to make my friend feel bad but they were definitely seeking sympathy

[Opinion Owner]

People have trauma and often unaware of their responses. Any trauma involved?

[Opinion Owner]

And there are people who do it because it’s their way of control

[DizzyDesii]

My friend was verbally/physically abused and always told not to tell anyone. Their significant other is the only other person aside from me that knows. My friend also said they feel more comfortable being emotionally open witj strangers rather than people they know. And i notice the more they get to know someone, they start to become emotionally unavailable since that person (in this case their partner) is no longer considered a stranger. As for the partner, I guess their trauma would be that they are used to receiving praise from most but has always gotten bullied/rejected from those closest to them. Like the partners mom calls them dumb, slow, etc while everyone else tells them they are smart, etc. So not getting that from my friend is i guess driving them to become emotionally manipulative

[Opinion Owner]

Got ya! It’s not intentional at all and I don’t think it is! I think others can deflect their true character on someone that’s completely innocent while knowing their traumatized. Therefore they don’t know what they are doing is wrong or well aware of their actions

[DizzyDesii]

I think both are well aware. But what do you think about the update

[Opinion Owner]

I read your update…both need time out to see what’s causing everything

[Opinion Owner]

And I would recommend therapy but if you are saying they are aware then I would find out why cycles are repeating itself what’s the triggers is it coworkers or what

[Opinion Owner]

I always wanna ask is there any chance of outside influences?

[DizzyDesii]

They need time out like to breakup? And I don't know if there's outside influences. I’ve wanted to say something to my friend but i feel its not my place. The only outside influences i can think of is that one of them has a lot of people in their ear. But the emotionally unavailable one doesn't share relationship details with anyone other than me and their SO that I know of, so i dont think they have anyone in their ear. Maybe thats the problem. Maybe my friend is lost and needs someone in their ear for guidance

[Opinion Owner]

If I was in your situation I would be stuck because I ain’t choosing nobody side…I would leave whoever alone that want the worst for me. It’s people out here that play nice in your face but talk mad crap about you to people behind your back. it leaves people feeling salty especially dealing with trauma. We overthink as it is and that ain’t helping. I don’t encourage negativity

[DizzyDesii]

Its hard to take my friends side when i also understand how the partner feels

[Opinion Owner]

Right!

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you!!

[Agape93]

Unavailable. I do love, but you have to be very special to me for me to love you.

[DizzyDesii]

Damn

[Artificial Intelligence]

Hopping into the love maze, let's navigate these twisty passages together. It sounds like your friend's partner is dancing in the gray area between seeking attention and emotional manipulation. Without seeing the specific charts, I'd say emotional manipulation doesn't necessarily equal being a narcissist; it's more about tactics to elicit a response. But hey, love and relationships can sometimes feel like trying to solve a Rubik's cube blindfolded.

Your friend’s partner seems to be in a tricky spot, finding themselves repeatedly in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners and perhaps using exaggerated emotional expressions as a method to bridge that gap. It's like they're trying to tune an old radio to get a clear signal but only getting static.

Remember, while no one's perfect, understanding our actions and their impacts on others is a key pillar of self-improvement and healthy relationships. Both of your friends might benefit from a heart-to-heart about their feelings and how they handle emotional communication. Who knows, this might turn their confusing love song into a harmonious duet!

Feeling puzzled by matters of the heart or want to share your own relationship maze? Let's chat! Cupid's arrows fly in mysterious patterns, after all. 😉

[DizzyDesii]

Thanks Brad. Great points

[SunnyRS]

Looking at your example and the details you told I don't think they are any of them.
They seem scared to let anyone in, they have emotions and they are trying to be their for the partner when the partner feels unsure about the relationship but they are scared to show their feelings or are not able to remove the walls they have built around them to keep them safe.

[SunnyRS]

As for your question, in which category I fall in, that's not something I can say for myself it has to be the opinion of people who know me or have talked to me.

[DizzyDesii]

I see

[dragoblack]

I don't fall under any of those listed descriptions, but i would say more emotionally unavailable due to past trauma. I tend to subconsciously put up a wall as a defense mechanism until I understand i can trust someone and I get to know them well enough.

[DizzyDesii]

Whats the shortest amount of time that it took to trust someone

[dragoblack]

2 dates, but that's just entering the front door but hasn't opened the screen door. I have a lot of psychological trauma from constant social; physical, emotional, & mental abuse, from kindergarten through 8th grade. So... it's really hard to let people get close to me. I do try to give people a chance to prove themselves through.

[NathanDavis]

what the hell is this lmao... how is this someone in a relationship...

anyway... none of this apply to me

[DizzyDesii]

Its good if it doesn't apply

[NathanDavis]

they both sound a bit crazy...

[DizzyDesii]

Those often make the best matches

[NathanDavis]

I find it hard to believe that these two types of people could be in a good relationship but who knows...

[DizzyDesii]

Its toxic

[NathanDavis]

well... it would be good if all the toxic people dated each other... and not be hurting others, lol

[DizzyDesii]

That is actually true

[RHK36]

Women truly overthink everything to the point of destroying their relationships and future relationships. Flags are always there, but people ignore them.

[DizzyDesii]

Well now that I’ve met men who overthink as well, i can’t pick a side on this one

[DreamLife7]

Thank you, absolutely agree

[DreamLife7]

Men are to the point

[RHK36]

I didn't even read all that because it's an overload of unnecessary thinking. Cut out the bs and trust your gut. If you keep choosing crappy partners that's a sign to stay single and do some personal growing before trying again. Keep operating the same way you'll keep getting the same results.

All that bs above is you making assumptions which don't help. Basically you looking for excuses to fit a narrative to trick yourself into wanting something with someone.

Just stop and look at the flags. Look at the pros and cons. If you can't make decisions like that then you aren't ready for a real relationship.

[DizzyDesii]

Well I wish you would have read it considering that this isn't about me. You keep saying “you” but I always let y'all know when im referring to myself. So yea i wish you wouldve read it so that i’d know how to help my friend or if i should just keep stayinf out of it. But i see how they’re being treated so i wanted to investigate. You already know my situation so i feel i’d be too biased to help them alone. Thats why im asking yalls opinion

[DreamLife7]

@DizzyDesii long story short... mind your business, the situation has nothing to do with you. Just use logic and cut the bs as the point. Even with your own relationships, use logic.

[RHK36]

I meant you as a universal. If you as a person cannot act right and are looking for external clues or reasons I'm saying that won't end well.

If you took it like I was implying you in this and not your friend then maybe it applies to you too.

Your friend needs to grow up. If you know the relationship isn't it then communicate with your partner. If nothing comes from it you have your answer. There's no guessing and no assumptions.

[DreamLife7]

Right like the entire situation is very high school. You're 29 , why engage? @dizzydezii

[DizzyDesii]

@DreamLife7 because its my friend at the end of the day and im the only person they are telling all of this too. So i feel forced to engage although i dont pick sides

[DreamLife7]

@DizzyDesii you're 29, time to grow up and not engage in petty drama.

[DreamLife7]

It's really not worth your time

[Squatting_Slav]

I'm neither. I'm emotionally available and not manipulative at all. What I am however blunt and honest

I would say as described- definitely emotionally manipulative

[DizzyDesii]

can't you be honest without being rudely blunt? Its all about tone and delivery

[DreamLife7]

When I was younger I was more emotional. Now that I'm older I'm more logical. When you operate off logic instead of emotions you're able to move on a lot quicker from things that you normally wouldn't

[DizzyDesii]

I agree. I personally was logical up until this relationship. But logic aside do you feel you were more emotionally unavailable or manipulative back then? Or neither?

[DreamLife7]

I was neither of those.

[Anonymous]

I'm totally available to be manipulated, but only if you're a hot girl who loves sex. Otherwise, forget it.

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, you get it.

[Wiredone]

Where is the third option of "none of the above ".

[DizzyDesii]

Yea I made a poll that included that but then deleted it. My bad

[Anonymous]

I am usually rational critical thinker, i never rely on emotions, i use logic. The only emotion I feel is the sunken place I'm usually in. I try to get out but everyone I come across is either self centred or attention seeking.

[DizzyDesii]

Not surprised these days

[Jamie05rhs]

I am neither of those things. I am the complete opposite!

[moneymagnet24]

I'm not emotional fool...
I don't take things seriously when it's come to partner lol

[DizzyDesii]

We know

[moneymagnet24]

You know me very well. No?

My favourite dizzy 😘

[Account]

I think I am another type of messed up

[DizzyDesii]

Whats the term for it

[mandyfire98]

Oh god, definitely neither.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea thats prob the best response

[mandyfire98]

I don't think I have a single common characteristic with either

[DizzyDesii]

Whats your thoughts on the update

[mandyfire98]

That almost sounds like one is emotionally unavailable and the other is manipulative lol.

[DizzyDesii]

Lol which is the main question 😂

[mandyfire98]

In a fucked up way they probably make a good couple 🤣 lol

[DizzyDesii]

I don't know but i think one helps the other to become more emotional while my friend helps them to feel like they are “seen”

[Pink2000]

I have always been emotionally unavailable.

[DizzyDesii]

Oh wow didn't expect that

[MissBoogus]

I don’t feel like I’m either

[DizzyDesii]

Thats a good thing

[boobliker]

unavailable to almost all the above

[DizzyDesii]

Oh wow

[CuriousMufuxka]

Manipulative. See the first 3 letters?

[DizzyDesii]

Lmao

[elaphe]

I am neither of these.

[DizzyDesii]

Thats good

[Phoenix98]

Neither.