My fiancee has suicidal thoughts and I don't know how to continue, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

I have been in a long-term relationship for a couple of years. Before we got in a relationship she had been slim and gained a fair amount of weight before I met her and we started dating, she goes to the gym, and from the beginning she said she was trying to lose weight, its been two years and she hasn't really lost any. I am still attracted to her but I am sure that the weight does not help with her thoughts.

She has never outright threatened to commit suicide if I leave but will make comments like "if I wasn't with you I wouldn't want to be here" and things of that nature which leaves me feeling trapped. She is also very negative, at times it seems like I am in relationship with Eeyore from winnie-the-pooh. She says she's getting better but sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

I love her so much but the suicidal thoughts and negativity are really starting to weigh on me. I want to stick with her and help her, but I don't think I could do this for the rest of my life if nothing changes. Does anyone have any experience with this or any advice from people that maybe dealt with similar issues or thoughts? Thank you for responding if you do.

Updates

1 mo

She's not always negative, there are good times. There are so many positive things about her, and I don't want the positive to be overshadowed by the negative. We are long-distance which makes things harder, but it's just when the times are bad they are really bad.

[Anonymous]

So there's a heap of reasons people get this way, but the common theme is a degree of being far too aware of their own faults and flaws. I know its easy to hob nail boot over a partners feelings sometimes too, because as guys we are often unaware of how they truly see themselves (for example, a partner can think they have some body feature they feel is grotesque, but to us its a perfectly fine thing, but they can't believe that because they see it distortedly).

So, here's what I found, it's often possible for a partner to turn SOME of this around, but usually there is some underlying causal thing which is preventing it going away. If your relationship outside of this is really good, then you can spend some time discussing how she's feeling. Just let her talk out whatever it is, try to not judge any of it and certainly avoid attributing any of it to some obvious reason (becasue that risks you amplifying her idea that what she thinks is right if you can leap right to the cause, like for example you pointing out her weight to use here, suggests your subconsiously concerned with that, and that concern she will pick up especially when she's self consious, double especially if your encouraging her to 'keep fit' and she can't manage to lose weight).

So, the first thing you should do is tell her exactly how you love her every way she is (presuming you do), talk to her saying 'I've noticed you've been sounding down? won't you talk to me about it, I've really love to help or at least know because I love you and don't want you going through stuff alone". Then keep real quiet, and just listen, don't worry about prolonged silence or how she seems, she might seem scared, worried, nervous any number of things, just sit, listen and smile. If she goes to leave, let her know that you where there listening, and then say 'it's okay if your not ready to tell me, I'm not going anywhere, except maybe the bathroom" aka make it light, let her know your there to listen.

Keep prioritisng time with her and listening, if she talks and opens up then stops, reflect back what you've heard and address anything where you want to show support; Though, ask questions rather than trying to provide answers.

Generally speaking doing this will increase her openness to you and you to her. If she shares something you relate to, share a story of yours (carefully, making it clear your sharing for her, not to make stuff about yourself, as depressed people can often take bad interperations).

Best of luck, I hope you can turn this around by how much love you have for her.

Oh last tip, take her to happy things, meaning to be with good people who are kind and accepting. Spend time around animals and exploring nature; Feed the right wolf (recommend watching Tomorrow Land, its an amazing movie when depressed).

[Asker]

Thank you so much for yorur reply, it was extremely helpful.

[Opinion Owner]

Glad to and hope it helps :). Good luck.

[Avicenna]

You need to talk to a mental health professional.

[Rosegoldenpot]

Hello! I hope my reply finds you well! Not all of us are perfect especially in relationships. I’m married and my partner worked with me through the tough storms. We worked together because actions create power while accepting we need to change. That’s exactly what I did! I struggle from ptsd and other related issues from work. We both did therapy but I enrolled myself into therapy first. I removed all triggers from my environment and around me. We still married going on 40 years! Don’t give up on someone who’s trying to change and showed progress. Do you have kids or she have kids? It’s important to let people go around you who influences your thinking negatively

[Rosegoldenpot]

My apologies we been married almost 14 years but still feels like 40 years to me! My keyboard is messing up

[Asker]

Thank you for your response, neither of us have children. She does have some people around her who I believe influence her negatively but I don't want to tread the line in being controlling because those people are long-time family friends of hers.

[Rosegoldenpot]

You can also be a guide to her in helping her with positive self-talk. I learned that we don’t know we are speaking negatively because of the influence around us.

[Rosegoldenpot]

I’m sure counseling will work out! That’s a huge step for anyone to take.

[Taniisokay]

I would leave her if I was in your place. Loving someone is good but stuck with them is another thing. Why stuck with someone with negativity? That suicidal behavior right there. Find another person whom you don't need to look after them and that brings you positivity.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response, she says she's getting better but its hard for me to see it. We have many good times together and I know she loves me and I love her.

[Artificial Intelligence]

Navigating the complexities of love and mental health is no small feat, my friend. Love is much more than heart emojis and candle-lit dinners, it’s about standing beside someone even in their darkest hours. However, it’s paramount that your love doesn’t turn into a lifesaver vest for her alone, while you silently drown.

Your concern screams of commitment and love, yet it’s tinged with exhaustion, and rightfully so. You're not trapped, you're just entangled in a situation that requires tenderness, patience, and most importantly, professional intervention. Encourage her to seek help from a therapist or counselor who can provide the support she desperately needs. Remember, you can be her partner, not her therapist.

And remember, self-care is not selfish. You also need to ensure you're emotionally and mentally grounded. Perhaps consider some supportive counseling for yourself, to navigate these turbulent waters.

In the end, love is about growing together, not losing oneself in the process. Keep the communication lines open, be honest about your feelings, and let professional guidance light your path. Love isn't just about weathering storms, but knowing when to seek shelter together.

[OtterMan68]

suggest counseling. If he refuses, he does not want to change, and there's not much you can do

[Asker]

She has been going to counseling she says she wants to change and I believe her. But at some point it has to start getting better... right?

[OtterMan68]

yes, if the counselor is worth his/her salt