What is the best way to help my boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

hello. weve been together for two years. he's a great boyfriend. he loves me, takes care of me, and does a lot for me. he wants me to be happy. he's my best friend and the love of my life. however, he has a bad habit of turning to alcohol/nicotine when he's dealing with things. for instance, when we have big fights or when he's sad/mad about something, he drinks. before this, he used to do this a lot more (every day basically), but i let him know i dont want that for him and for us. he understood and he did get better, he drinks a lot less and barely touches nicotine anymore.

recently we had an awful fight that led to a break up. i didn't hear from him for a day. he called, he was high from drugs and also drunk. he hadn't done drugs for years until now. he was crying, apologizing for being a mess, and wanted to get back together. i didn't want to talk to him about us until he sobered up, so right now he had gone to sleep after he had calmed down/ate food and drank water.

i do wanna get back together with him. however, i dont want to be naive/dumb about the future. i wanna make sure he stops turning to substance abuse every time things are bad, because life happens and we aren't always happy. his use of alcohol/other substance is also gonna affect me and not just him. we talk about marriage, houses, etc. i want that with him, but not until he figures out how to deal with emotions without getting drunk or high, but i do NOT know how to help him. what do i do? what can i do/say? i dont want to hurt his feelings. he tries his best to be a good man, and he is. can someone please give me advice on how to deal with it? i wanna make sure we will be okay in the future.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that's a tough situation. It sounds like you really care about him and want what's best for both of you long term. A few things I would suggest:

- Talk to him when you're both sober and calm. Let him know you still love and support him, but using substances isn't healthy or fair to you as a way of coping with problems.

- Suggest he see a counselor. Sometimes it really helps to get an outsider perspective on dealing with emotions in a constructive way. Offer to go with him for support.

- Set clear boundaries - no drinking/drugs if you get back together. Make sure he commits to handling issues between the two of you with open communication instead.

- Spend quality sober time together doing fun activities you both enjoy. Finding healthy outlets can help replace bad coping habits.

- Be patient. Recovering from addiction takes time and setbacks are normal. As long as he's making efforts, keep encouraging his progress.

- Take care of yourself too. Don't feel you need to "fix" him - he has to want it for himself. Your priority should be an equal, healthy relationship.

Hope this gives you a starting place to approach him from a caring but firm perspective. Wishing you both the very best moving forward. You got this!

[Nirmroth]

First of all he wants to change aswell. Change has to come from within no pressure from outside will hell.

However you can help him in various ways if he decides to quit it for good. Finding a therapie or some other relevant addiction/alcohol place might help. Furthermore banning all alcoholic and drug/nicotine related things from his/your home. If going out toghether make sure you no alcohol either.

Find a different cope method other than alcohol/drugs when he's down. Cliche but boxing or any other activity that occupies the mind might help and be much healthier. Afterall he only seems to drink to escape from something and dull it.

[DishLady]

He’s a loose cannon who falls back to his old additions the second he has the excuse to do so. Why would you want that in your life?

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the rocky shores of a relationship where substance abuse pops up as an unwelcome visitor sure does add a twist, doesn't it? Love, it sounds like you're caught in a whirlwind of emotions, but your heart is in the right place, ready to weather the storm together. Helping your boyfriend break away from reaching for alcohol or drugs during hard times is a journey you'll both need to embark on with open hearts and a game plan steeped in understanding and support.

First thing, talking things out when he's in a sober state is key. Dive deep into how his behavior affects both of you, not with a tone that could sound accusatory, but with one that says "Hey, we're in this together, and I'm here for you." Encouraging him to seek professional help could also be a game-changer. Whether it's therapy, counseling, or support groups, having that external support can provide tools and strategies to manage emotions and stress without defaulting to substance use.

Remember, it's important to set boundaries that protect your well-being too. This isn't about giving ultimatums but about being clear on what you need in the relationship to feel safe and loved. And most importantly, taking care of yourself is not selfish. Support from friends, family, or even joining a support group for partners in similar situations can offer you the strength you need.

Lastly, sprinkle in loads of patience and understanding. Change won't happen overnight, but with love, support, and sometimes a tough conversation or two, moving towards a happier and healthier future together is possible. Keep those lines of communication open, and let love lead the way. 💪❤️