My partner says we are getting old and we should have children?

[Anonymous]

we are both in our early thirties. He already knows how I feel about children and the fact is that I don't want one. I'm 33 and he is 31.

We have been together for one year now but we hadn't moved in together just yet.

Today he came off saying that we are aging and that every year goes by counts to have kids.

I felt bad and feel like he may leave me for a younger woman. I just felt really really bad and I told him that I don't want him to speak to me for few days.

He said he wasn't forcing me to do anything and said I was being irrational. I didn't have the words to describe what I felt but I told him to give me space and don't speak to me. I didn't have words for what I felt but I'm sure of myself that I'm not irrational.

Any thoughts?

[Lliam]

It sounds like he didn't respect your opposition to having kids from the very beginning. He wasn't being truthful about being cool with that. He just pretended to play along. He thought that once you fell in love with him he could talk you into having kids. He thought he could manipulate you.
The thing is, he likes you, but he really wants kids and hopes he can change your mind.

Or, he thought he would be cool with not having kids, but has changed his mind.

Either way, he needs to respect your wishes and come to terms with not having kids.

I never wanted kids, either. I had girlfriends from the time I was 16, but didn't even start thinking about choosing a wife and settling down until my early 30s.

After a couple more long-term girlfriends, I met my future wife when I was 40. She was 37. Even though we had both had full and fulfilling lives, neither of us had any kids or had been married before.

She would have liked to have a baby and would have made a wonderful mommy, but she wouldn't have done it unless she was married. And by the time we got married when she was 39, it was a bit too late.

We have been very happily married now for almost 28 years, had a LOT of fun and built a wonderful life together. We have talked about it and she is now glad that we don't have kids.

[sawno]

I mean its commonly understood that the age to have children is before 35 for the best fertility. He undoubtedly also believes this and wants them. If you don't want to give them to him there is indeed a big chance of him chasing someone who is willing to.

The bigger question is what happened prior to this moment? Did he express he really wanted them before? Did he change his mind? Did he lie? Because if it didn't align early on the entire relationship was a timebomb to begin with, you can't ignore your partners wishes hoping they change. If he was merely hoping you would change your mind on it and you were hoping he would change his mind on it then one of you has to change your minds or I see no way forward.

[Alli112]

Sounds like he really didn't take your initial preference for not having children to heart because he does want them, and you guys are going to need to sit down and have a clear combination about whether or not he can be happy with you long-term if you guys don't have kids. Shutting off communication was probably not the correct course of action, but I understand why someone showing blatant disregard for a major personal choice would be hurtful (which to be clear, is likely why you emotionally shut down. You probably felt like he wasn't acknowledging or valuing your choices.)

[kylee2437]

So he wants kids, and you don’t. What makes both of you think this is going to work out in the long run? Why are you both staying together knowing there’s something very major you are both incompatible with?

[Asker]

I told him from the very beginning how I feel about kids but him changing his mind like that made me feel sad and that he may start a family with some one else

[kylee2437]

@asker if he wants a family, and you don’t, that’s a big issue. Puts a lot of pressure on you to have something you don’t want vs him having pressure on the fact that he will never create a life to pass on. I think you both need to face facts that you are both incompatible. Of course it’s going to hurt, but there’s no way this is going to work out, and you are better off coming to terms with that than waiting it out to see if he will again change his mind.

[Asker]

The thing was he agreed and
Insisted to stay in the relationship even though I was not allowing him to enter my life. I trusted him and he changed his mind.

[kylee2437]

@asker you have full power to leave a relationship that isn’t on the same page.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the ticking clock conversation! You've wandered into one of those love story twists that nobody really dreams about. First off, your feelings? Totally valid. And him feeling the tick-tock of time? Also understandable. You're both in the early stages of your roller-coaster ride together, and it seems like you've hit your first big loop-de-loop.

Navigating this involves communicating openly and honestly without assigning blame or calling names. It’s great that you know what you want—or in this case, what you don't want. Standing firm in your beliefs is important, especially on life-changing decisions like having children.

Remember, it's not about being right or wrong here. It's about understanding each other's perspectives and finding common ground, if possible. Giving each other some space to think things through is a smart move, but don't let the silence last too long. The longer you wait, the harder it may be to bridge the gap.

Once you're feeling a bit more settled, try to have a calm conversation about your future together. It’s essential to discuss whether your life goals align or if this is a deal-breaker for either of you. Love is about compromises, sure, but there are some areas where compromise isn’t possible, and that’s okay. It’s better to figure out where you both stand now rather than letting it become a bigger issue down the road. Love can conquer a lot, but it requires both partners rowing the boat in the same direction. Keep steering with your heart, but don't forget to navigate with your head! 😉

[OlderAndWiser]

This should have been discussed and resolved long ago. It’s not a matter of being right or wrong, but being incompatible.

[Asker]

He made me think we were on the same page and she insisted on staying with me

[Nirmroth]

If you dont want one but he wants I am sry to say but its maybe time to consider breaking up.

No matter what solution you find with this, it will lead to one of you beeing unhappy and probably dealing with what ifs for the rest of their life.

Children or no children is one of the big pillars you answer during the dating phase not right into the relationship bec its that important to be on the same page with that one.

[HawkPerception]

Well I personally feel like you'll end up regretting not having kids, but you do you. As for men... we definitely have the desire to continue our bloodline, so it's a tough pill to swallow when your partner says they don't want children. I think he should know what he signed up for though if that's what you said in the beginning.

[Berethor]

He right, not wanting children is selfish, he should leave you for younger woman.

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/age-and-fertility

[IslaTheWitch]

talk to him... if you don't want kids, he shouldn't make such remarks...

and if he wants kids, then I don't think so there is anything more you can do than break up... or you will have an unwanted kid...

[EmmaMary]

The two of you are completely and utterly incompatible... Time for you to find new and comparable partners... Life's too short, so get a move on... Good Luck.

[slatyb]

Did you tell him when you met him that you didn't want children. DO NOT have a child to please him. If he wants a child, tell him he needs to find a different woman.

[Staximus]

I think you need to get your little pea brain under control and stop overreacting. You imagining him leaving you for a younger woman isn't an acceptable reason to tell him not to talk to you for a few days.

[jahaims]

So you are both morons. You are dating someone who wants kids and he is dating someone who doesn't want kids. Dating someone who isn't compatible doesn't work. Use common sense.

[DrPepper12]

Did you discuss it before? If he knew your feelings and is now gaslighting you, fuck him.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. Don't do that. There's enough children in this world already whose parents don't love them.

[noohair]

Adoption? He sounds like an asshole.