I've been dating my boyfriend for three and a half years, and I've always been clear about wanting to get married. He keeps pushing the timeline back, and every time I bring it up, he seems to agree just to end the conversation. I don't know if he's changed his mind about marriage or about me, or if I'm overthinking. What should I do?
Sadly most guys’ are scared to get married these days with all the negativity that is talked about with marriage and divorce rates are sadly , sky rocketed high. If you truly love your boyfriend and can see. Yourself spending the rest of your life with him , have a serious talk with him and tell him how much you love and care about him and that you only have eyes for him , and want to spend the rest of your life with him, suggest moving in together , if you don’t already do so , prove to him , you only want him , maybe spice up your bedroom time with him and pamper him and be submissive to him , Most of us guys’ love when a girl does that for us , surprise him with sexy lingerie and give him a lot of words of affirmation , by complimenting him and appreciating him , and telling him that you truly love and care about him deeply. Let him know you want to spend the rest of your life with him and you want to be married to him and have babies. After you do all that and he doesn’t propose to you? You are probably best to reconsider your relationship with him
Or she can simply tell him she'll gladly sign the prenup if that's what he's so afraid of. For instance I don't mind signing up if given. Remove the fear of getting your money taken. Once that's out of the way, what other excuse would he have? If he still won't move forward after that, then he's wasting her time.
True , if that’s what his concern is then address that to him as well , me personally thinks a prenup is a waste of time unless you have a shit ton of assets and money you are worried about , me personally wouldn’t even stay with a girl if she had no ambition whatsoever that couldn’t keep a job. That was expecting me to provide for her. I want a partner not a user
yeah leeches suck. They take, take and take. Someone that can't keep a job is already a red flag. Users make it difficult for the rest of us.
@Vesuvius87 Excuses? you mean like how prenups can be thrown our of court by a judge?
@Truthatanycost
I've been asleep during all these inequalities for years. I was asleep that I didn't even notice tiktok's existence until early 2021. I'm unware of a prenup not working. Do you have any evidence of your claim?
@Vesuvius87 I'm not saying prenups don't work, it's just that they can be contested or found to be invalid. The rules vary and all it takes is for one party to make a mistake. Any law firm in your area will detail this on their site. Since each state has it's own rules, it would be easy to make a mistake without realising and nothing is perfect. Throughout a marriage you'd have to update the prenup to keep it valid as well. How many people are going to do that?
I spelt marriage wrong and my computer tried to auto correct it to spell 'migraine'... hmm.
Have you proposed either? Look. If you don’t feel he wants this and is stringing you along and you have clearly communicated what you’re wanting.
Maybe you need to see if he’s really who you’re mean to be with…. Marriage is a HUGE decision. Neither person wants to be with someone forever if they aren’t sure. It’s understandable to not want to jump into anything. At the same time wasting years with someone who you never marry in the end is a waste as well.
You can’t force him to do anything. But you can choose to find someone new who may want to commit. It’s a conversation you need to have.
Do you think maybe he’s just nervous, or maybe he’s saving up money for a thing so he can propose to you in the correct moment? I would say unless you are sure he doesn’t want to marry you, you don’t throw away the relationship. You do need to prove that you will be solid regardless of differing opinions/emotions
Not proposing just means he’s not ready for that level of commitment. You can talk to him about it and see what the holdup is. It may not have anything to do with you.
Navigating the seas of love and commitment, aren't we? Love doesn't always tick on our schedule, but your feelings and desires are as significant as the hands of a clock ticking towards a lifelong commitment. It seems like this dance between you and your boyfriend has turned into a bit of a waiting game, with you eager to advance to the next level and him, perhaps, dragging his feet in time with the music.
But let's not jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love you. Love manifests in myriad ways, and his hesitation could stem from numerous factors unrelated to his feelings for you. It could be related to personal fears, cultural or familial pressures, or even financial readiness.
Here's a charming idea: why not set the stage for an open-hearted conversation? Express your feelings, not just about the marriage but about wanting to understand where he stands – emotionally and in terms of your future together. Remember, it's about tuning into each other's frequencies, not just airing your playlist.
However, if the melody doesn't harmonize and you find your needs perpetually sidelined, it might be time to consider if you're both dancing to the same song. Always prioritize your happiness and what you genuinely desire in a relationship. Your heart's desires are valid, and it deserves a duet partner who sings in tune with you. 😉
Opinion
37Opinion
u So he tells you what you want to hear so you will stop talking about it, and then he gets what he wants. He is not being sincere with you. If you want to know how someone feels about you, don't listen to their words but look at how they treat you.
I think you understand but you just don't want to accept the truth.
He's likely not interested in marriage. After the 3rd year mark of boyfriend and girlfriend, you need to reevaluate your relationship. I assume you gave a timeframe. By any chance do you live with him?
Some guys are afraid of commitment, perhaps you should ask him what he thinks will change once you are married. I mean, if he loves you, you live together already and know each other really well over the 3 year period, what does he think will change in that scenario once you are married?
Maybe if you can find out what he is uncertain about, you can smooth things over and explain that things really won't change from how the two of you are now and maybe come up with some additional positive points to hit it home.
Sometimes, people make mountains out of mole hills and they just need to be talked down from the mountain.
I think marriage and kids are topics that need to be discussed earlier up in the relationship..
The ways I tend to operate is
When we are in 3 months or so of dating, I ask how he feels about marriage and kids and if he says yes, I ask when should we start prepping
If 2 years go by and I don't see him making any significant moves, I exit that relationship because what's the sense be in a relationship if you won't be happy or benefit in some way? Seeing that is a personal value of yours, it would appear he doesn't share it and I don't wanna give you hope to say give him till the 5 year mark because 5 years can easily turn to 10 years and then what?
Every guy is different and would typically want to grow to put himself in the best positions to be able to provide the best he could before settling down. Unless he’s got a fixed mentality and clearly just living the mundane. But if he’s got some things going on in the backstory it is a good sign he’s working to orchestrate something good for you and may want yo surprise you
For me, 3 years with a girl is more than enough time to propose engage and marry and if I hadn't put a ring on her yet its because Im either overthinking of what ‘perfect’ ring to get, what dance moves Id want to learn, all we would have to do for ‘her’ ideal wedding day, our financial position, where we would live, maybe anticipating a relocation, maybe health condition, etc
Sounds like you’ll need to set some boundaries. If he’s just going to keep doing this then you’ll need to be very clear with him what your intentions are. Maybe even a timeline.
Be very clear that a timeline is your timeline for when you’re going to walk away, not a timeline for him to propose. It’ll be easy for him to get that twisted. Just explain to him that you have self respect and you have limited patience and will not wait around forever.
If he loves you he’ll understand and respect that boundary.
My assumption would be that he is just waiting for the right moment.
I knew I wanted to marry my ex, but kept holding the proposing off. Engagement, for me, is just the couple/ few months in between proposing and the wedding. It has no other significant meaning to me.
The ex could quite happily stay engaged for years without a wedding in sight. For her Engagement is the 'next stage up' in a relationship.
So that's why I held it off... but on the 24th of December 2015 I proposed to her anyway...
She said 'Yes'... but 2 months later the incessant accusations of Cheating followed; the constant "I am fat, ugly, and useless; as soon as you find someone better you'll leave me"; etc
December 2019 the emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship was over, topped off with my first suicide attempt and having been made homeless while I was recovering in the hospital; 2 months later my successor got moved in.
Most definitely could be that you're overthinking this. It could be that you are ready for marriage, but for him, he could not be ready. As to why he keeps pushing the timeline back, this could be your answer. Instead of asking for marriage and reminding him that you're ready, have you asked him how he feels about the idea? Do you even know what he truly wants with you?
If he didn't love you, do you really think he'd still be with you? If you know him to be truthful with you, then ask him these things.
If he cannot clearly articulate why he isn't ready to marry you then he is just playing games. You have to say point blank, "I need to know exactly why you won't marry me. I don't want to hear some fake future date."
If he can't answer the question then it means he DOES NOT KNOW, and it would be an endless cycle of him changing the requirements in his head.
If he can say then you can clearly decide if you are willing & able to meet his requirements or not.
I actually agree. We can only do so much with timeframe, telling the man we don't want to waste our time and even be verbal on an agreement (if we don't want to keep waiting for a surprised proposal) but only him can give the green lights to marriage. Even if we suggest the idea of marriage, we still need his approval for it to advance. Absolutely right. You men are still the gatekeepers of marriage.
Why should he get married? He has everything without it. Sex, you, and whatever else…. You are not going to leave him are you? No, you will compromise yourself and your dreams before you leave him…
I am just trying to be real here. It has been three and a half years and he still doesn’t want to tie himself down. Will you put up with it? Will you tell him you want to get married next month? You should! See his reaction and see if all of this was in vain or if he will decide to marry you. I am thinking he will still have some excuse not to. And if so, will you leave him or will he win out and you compromise and never marry…..
That's pretty much it. If the OP is living together with him (giving away everything without commitment) then her chances of getting engaged to him are slim to zero.
If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now. At this point he’ll only propose if it means you’ll stop bringing it up (a shut up ring) or if he thinks it’s the only way to keep you (a please don’t leave me alone ring). You’ll both have a miserable marriage and come to resent one another if either of these happens. Save yourself the trouble and move on to someone else instead of wasting more years on this man.
If after several honest conversations your boyfriend still isn't taking your wishes seriously, you might need to consider setting a firm timeline for your own peace of mind. It's not about being harsh; it’s about being clear on what you need and deserve. Let him know how important this is to you and set a reasonable deadline for a decision. Just be prepared for any outcome that might come from it. Ultimatums can be tough, but sometimes they’re necessary to ensure that both partners are on the same page and working towards the same goals.
Taking some time for personal reflection can be really helpful in situations like this. Think about what marriage truly means to you and why it's important. Consider your own needs and whether you're willing to wait or if this is a deal-breaker. It’s important to understand your own boundaries and what you want from the relationship. Reflect on your overall happiness and whether you feel supported and valued. This isn't just about him; it’s also about you and your future. By getting clear on your own feelings and priorities, you’ll be in a better position to make decisions that are right for you. Sometimes we get so caught up in what our partner wants that we forget to check in with ourselves. Make sure you’re being true to what you need and deserve in a relationship.
Maybe he just doesn’t really want to get married , and it’s nothing relating to you or your relationship or his feelings for you. Marriage only makes sense when both want to for the same reasons I think. Personally I don’t ever want to marry and it doesn’t mean anything to me to be married , the woman in my life knows this and accepts it and also knows i love the bones of her and loves me back
It's definitely possible. A few questions that might help give some clarity. Does he seem like the player type? Does he seem like the cheater type? How old is he? Do you have crazy fights? Are you ever verbally abusive towards him? Have you been gaining weight throughout the relationship?
Marriage is for both of you and has to be decided that you both want it.
If it's only one partner that wants marriage, it will never fully work. What you need to do then is decide the answer to this question:-
Be with him and not be married in the immediate future (ie, until he is ready) OR would you rather risk breaking up by giving him the option to choose, marriage or ending the relationship?
You really can have only one of those, even though neither is what you want!
As for your initial question:-
Does he love you? Nobody in the world is better equipped to know the answer to that, and if YOU aren't sure, then I would have to question WHY you want to marry him!
3 years is not a very long time. If you've talked about it and you both want it then I wouldn't worry about the timing. Everything happens when it's supposed to. We're all living on our own timelines, so don't compare yourself to other couples. Marriage isn't the be all end all for everyone.
Been there done that.
He may love you but be afraid of commitment.
The prognosis for marriage is not good. He will probably keep stalling and stalling and eventually you will have to decide if you want to stay with him unmarried or leave.
Unfortunately I've had that happen to me too many times in my life, so I know what he is probably thinking all too well.
I would suggest looking at your situation and asking yourself: "Am I already giving him all of the benefits of marriage without the obligations?" If you are, he might never actually go there and will only continue to placate you for as long as he can.
You are 20 years past your prime when you were young, sexy, beautiful, and fertile. In view of the fact that the laws and family courts are grossly unfair to men, what do have to offer to encourage him to marry you?
Congratulations, you’ve signed up to be a lifetime girlfriend. Remember, you never have to tell a man what he wants to do.
yeah she's pretty much a forever girlfriend by now
It's either that, or he just doesn't believe in marriage. Has he ever expressed that he plans on getting married one day?
Men propose within 2-3 months. I would leave if there's no children involved.
2-3 months to propose is just dumb. You don't even know the person at that point and you're telling me it's enough to say you're cool with them being your partner for life?
If you're planning on being engaged for like 4 years and don't think it's a big deal if the engagement fails, okay. But from a guy's POV... we ain't buying you a ring after only knowing you for 2 months. Nope. Also most guys would rather know for sure you are "wife material" which takes more than 2 months to figure out in today's modern world. Then once he thinks you're wife material he will propose.
Speaking personally for myself, I think I would reject my boyfriend if he suggested engagement right now, and not because I don’t like him, but because I think it’s way more important seeing someone for who they are in huge life situations first. How I feel about someone in those moments is way more important than our title.
This isn't even something taught by American grandparents. Your grandparents didn't wait years to marry and most stayed married long term. Dating someone for 5-10 years is asinine. And most of the time the women file for divorce. How do you still not know a man after 5 years of dating but quick to file divorce because of "unhappiness". That's why the world sees Americans as a joke with marriage. Internationally, people marry within 2-3 months. America as usual does everything ass backwards to be original.
I firmly believe if a man doesn't want to marry you after 6 months of being together then he just doesn't love you but enjoys your company and benefits for the time being.
Precisely this. Well said.
Ever heard the phrase "why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free"?
Just something to think about...
Offer to sign a prenuptial agreement. That should solve it. Marriage is bad for men and has no benefits, only harmful risks.
pretty much it. If the OP offers that (takes the ''she's after my money'' out of the equation) and he's still full of new excuses then he's full of BS by then.
he needs a push go on a date with another man and very soon he'll purpose i promise
😂😂
Ask him what’s the hold up…
Could be that he simply doesn’t have the money to afford an engagement ring. They’re not cheap you know.
It's not that he doesn't love you...
He's afraid of what marriage entails.
u It's more likely that he's either not ready or doesn't want to get married.
Some men have no backbone. Maybe he is not marriage material.
He either does not really want to get married or else he had serious doubts.
Yes. 1 or both. If it's the first one she's wasting time. If it's the second one... it takes time to remove doubts and she probably isn't even on step 1 yet in his mind. But if he can't clearly spell it out for her what he wants then it's probably that he just doesn't want to get married and is stringing her along.
Some You may have to get a little more assertive and ask him to marry. It is ok for a women to ask also!
You are insecure if you come to that conclusion based on that. Communicate better with your boyfriend.
Love and marriage don't correlate. Marriage is a social construct created by religion, to lower your taxes, THATS ALL
You don't need to be married, to be in love
Do non-religious marriages count as religion? I had no idea you had to be religious and it being in church to get married?
Both my fiance and I are atheists.
Marriage is an ancient tradition that had nothing to do with taxes until recently. In my culture (the family I was raised in and our circle of friends/extended family) marrying a woman is showing her RESPECT and rewarding her for being trustworthy, loyal and having self-respect. It is not at all about taxes.
@Vesuvius87 You don't HAVE to get married in church or temple. But it is a RELIGIOUS construct.
I always thought it was an added value, more like a symbol of respect. If you were working at your job for the longest and they promoted you to a higher position (more responsibilities, more benefits, higher salary, higher incentives, etc), wouldn't that make you feel appreciated even more? Or imagine if you wanted that higher position badly and they told you ''but why do you need a promotion, you don't need it to work, you're already giving you verbal compliments, that's good enough''.
I guess in a way it's similar how I feel as a fiancee vs if I were back to being a girlfriend.
@Vesuvius87 It's a label, and a piece of paper. thats all it i
Like i said, the only reason to get married, is for the tax incentives. THATS IT
Ok very well then, continue enjoying your lifetime boyfriend and girlfriend dating lifestyle (because you're just dating, call it cohabitation, common law marriage, whatever name you want but you're just dating) and I'll proceed with my engagement.
@Vesuvius87 If it's the WEDDING you want, that's fine, but there's a difference. You don't HAVE to get married, to have a wedding
Actually I have to be legally married to be able to relocate to his place. We're solving on the long-distance issue. We've already spent time in person before, have clicked very well and are ready to spend our lives together. He already send the paperworks and I'm waiting for the mail carrier to send it to my address.
@Vesuvius87 This sounds like a bad decision to me. I would highly think this over, and even talk to your parents about it
I'm 37 and old enough to make my decision. They already know it too and are in favor of it.
@Vesuvius87 I highly think you should re-consider
I appreciate your comment but I've thought about it and won't back down from this opportunity. No way I'm going to say no to that. But thanks.
@Vesuvius87 You should strongly re-think this
@Vesuvius87 " If you were working at your job for the longest and they promoted you to a higher position (more responsibilities, more benefits, higher salary, higher incentives, etc), wouldn't that make you feel appreciated even more? "
Exactly. To me... just dating is like playing high school sports. Then you have people in "deep" long term situations which is like college sports. But getting a ring is like winning the Olympics. It's not all the same at all. And guys must know this on a subconscious level at least because very few guys will even take a woman seriously if she's not trustworthy/sleeping with everything that moves. And it's even harder for a guy to decide to marry a woman.
My theory is that when someone says marriage isn't important while in long relationships: they just don't trust the other person enough to marry them. That's fine. But don't act like it's the same as marriage. You have to commit 100% and take full risk of all that comes with marriage failure to get married. There's way less risk by just living together forever.
And I also believe in teaching traditions to the youngest. Traditions like how you deal with grief/loss of a loved one. Marriage is a tradition. If I never got married I'd be a hypocrite for trying to tell others that our ancestors knew more than a lot of people who are spouting loudly today. Not everybody is cut out for marriage tho. The worst thing is for someone who hates traditions to get married. Lol.
@hahahmm
I've heard of this ridiculous ''commitment ceremony'' where it's not a real wedding (you're still not recognized as real husband and wife when filling out a health insurance application for instance nor on a simply survey) but you just gather a couple friends to express joy at both of you being together and being in love; the woman is on her white dress pretending to be a bride. So basically expressing joy at living together and banging, big deal. I'm not impressed. Ok but you're still not married, just an elaborated fake imaginary wedding. Personally I would never come to that type of invitation. If I'm going to waste effort and time on a dress, then it better be a real wedding invitation.
Ironically those people claim not to want marriagea and claim that doesn't prove commitment but are so much into the ''commitment ceremony''. If it doesn't prove commitment and they're happy to be just lifetime boyfriend and girlfriend (that's what they are, just boyfriend and girlfriend... there is no other term), then why even the need to do a ceremony, why the need for a ''fake wedding invitation''.
@Vesuvius87 Yeah. It's like the term WAG (wives and girlfriends) as if these two are on the same level. ha.
You really need to ask him why he is pushing it back, it may have nothing to do with you.
He's probably weighing the risk and has realized there's no real benifit to him getting married.
Easy. She offers to sign the prenup, takes that out of the equation... what other excuses would he have?
@Vesuvius87 Pre-nups are complicated and have a ton of loopholes, one being infidelity. Also you only named the risk, my question is what are the benifits, if your answer is a question that validates that there are few benifits to him.
If I were ever in an accident and at the hospital, he has rights to visit me and make medical decisions on my behalf, meanwhile a boyfriend doesn't. He can be included on my same health insurance and vice-versa instead of individual different one. A good marriage can make him live longer and reduce health issues such as high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. It can unite both of our families as well.
@Vesuvius87 Lol, those are benifits for you I'm asking about benifits for him. How would marriage correlate to a longer life?
It's for the both of us. As for the correlation between married people and a prolonged life, there have been studies done on it. Apparently married people live longer than unmarried folks. Obviously it has to be a good, healthy marriage where both are loyal. For instance instead of ordering delivery, I can feed him a healthy diet at home, be supportive if a husband is stressed from work, never let an argument lead towards insults and don't sleep angry.
Here is a link of one of the many studies done:
www.rand.org/pubs/research_briefs/RB5018.html
@Vesuvius87 Lol, your best benifit for a man is a shared benifit? TY for proving my point. Based on your response I take it you've never actually reviewed one of these studies. Fir starters there's no correlation between loyalty and life expectancy secondary, they discrepancy is approximately one monthe and finally it takes into account all men, meaning men who have died in war, prison etc. Also the things you named aren't benifits of marriage as he can get all those things w/out being married. Do you do those same things for him now?
I'm the one that'll be relocating to fiance's place and so we need to get married. We've already met in person and spent time together. We're now solving the long-distance issue and he has already sent the paperworks for our wedding.
Second, I was raised with married parents so in a way, I tend to be a Latina, somewhat traditional woman in the sense that I've never done cohabitation. Not interested in being a man's lover without full commitment, everything included, not just words.
What if you found a woman that would gladly sign a prenup, really doesn't want your money, is marrying for commitment and yo have a child, doesn't mind a cheap ring and you don't even have to pay for the wedding nor party (her father and she will cover the cost)... then are you going to feel the same bitterness towards it?
@Vesuvius87 I'm confused as to why you believe any of this answers my question. You keep telling me about you I'm asking what are the benifits for the man?
I've already answered that but I'll add more:
Social security, disability, Medicare, public assistance, etc. If he has served the army, then he can get military or Veteran's benefits too.
@Vesuvius87 Not sure if you're trolling or genuinely believe these things are benifits to him for getting married. He does not need to be married to receive any of those things. The reason why it's so difficult for you is because you understand deep down there is none. Marriage is a selfish industry only designed to benifit you, this is evident by the fact that you can only provide either dual benifits or none. You can choose to ignore this fact, however I guarantee that to some degree your boyfriend understands this at well, especially of he financially successful.
You can search the site and it'll list all the benefits. If I'm trolling then your computer, all the articles and researchers are also trolling.
Dual benefits is the ideal way. Why not? Both benefiting is really how it should be. My fiance has already forwarded (by email) the documents for our wedding and it's been received by my municipality. Now the mail carrier has to deliver the remaining docs he sent to my address. So things are on the way.
I'm sorry to hear you have terrible views. If you got burned before, I feel you. I'm actually trying to make the wedding and marriage easy for him, marry for the correct reasons.
To start of, he doesn't have to pay anything for our wedding nor party afterwards. My father and I will take care of the expenses. So that's a benefit he'll have, a free wedding.
@Vesuvius87 If you are already regurgitating points from that site then what's the relevance of me reading it? Ifvthey have new ones its quicker for you to just post them. Most people attempt to convince men of marriage by providing dual benifits, and pretending it helps the man. If that was true why are you complaining about him not wanting to marry you? It's unfortunate you feel sorry, however that's another burden your husband will have to take on, ever shifting Irrational emotions. It's tradition for the father of the bride, partly because the women is seen as a burden that the father is now passing along to the husband. So that only further validates my point.
A loving parent doesn't ever think their child is a burden. How can your own child be a burden to you? My father always had in mind in contributing to the wedding expenses if I ever got married. I'm not the poster that's complaining about him not wanting to get married. I'm a different user that's replying to the OP.
@Vesuvius87 That's a fairytale belief stemming from your ignorance of how the world work. Most kids are burdens on parents whether financial, physical etc, that's a fact. The tradition of the father of the bride paying for the wedding literally comes from the fact that daughters were considered burdens on the family name as traditional women took the name of their husband's in attempt to extend his family name.
TY for reminding me that your not the poster, as this makes it even worse. In response to a question about someone else, you spent the entire conversation making it about you. This is exactly the issue men run into in marriage, when asked to provide one single benifit to the man, you could only narrcisstically discuss yourself, even when the most logical answer is the man sees no value which is the reason most people choose not to take risk.
I've replied to the OP because she reminded me of myself at some point. I can understand her position, was once there and got out of it. Perhaps it might seem as if it's about myself because I've the forever girlfriend with someone else and I wouldn't want her wasting more time, esp if she wants kids. The logic thing to do is be with someone like-minded. For you, there are only two solutions; either be single or have a long-term girlfriend that's against marriage and likely doesn't want kids either. That way you'll never have to deal with incompatibility.
As for my remaining ignorance and innocence about how the world works, well I suppose it doens't hurt to think positive sometimes. No one really likes a negative person.
@Vesuvius87 Now I understand your confusion, you actually replied to my response w/ the prenuptial example. It makes sense if you're only looking at what benifits the woman my question is about what benifits the man. This explains why you've failed to provide a solid answer to that question.
I tried to make it easier for the man. Not intended for boasting purposes, but if it were up to me there would be no monetary incentive if someone wants to divorce without any proven major offense, with evidence. I think in Japan and other countries, it doesn't have monetary incentives for divorce. I should be reserved for very serious cases like abuse (ex: he's beating his wife and kids or spending money on gambling, alcohol and drugs or an affair baby with another woman) or an affair.
In an ideal world, there shouldn't be only one person benefiting. It should be mutually, both at the same time. That way, everyone is happy. Likewise I can say the same thing that just living together, avoiding marriage and having unlimited access to sex is mainly men benefiting, but not the woman by much, esp if she's wondering when will they get married. You won't find any woman's father that's going to be happy if their daughter's boyfriend won't marry them. So yeah I do know the advice my father gives me obviously is going to be much different than what he would tell my brother on a private man to man conversation.
Overall with this ungoing struggle, both genders aren't going to ever reach a place of true happiness, where both enjoy each others' worlds. That's one sided too. Everyone losses. There is no winner until things get restored.
@Vesuvius87 Reality is the world is not ideal and marriage provides no benifits for men, and a ton of benifits to women. You seemingly understand this which is why you can only provide things that be initiated women. You also may have touched on why men are choosing to go abroad to find higher quality women. I would argue that your living anology only benifits the women as well, as she gets all the benifits of protection and security while the man becomes a prisoner in his own home. Also and this is something I teach men to look for. Anytime a women I'd advocating for "both" it's because she knows that there's no benifit to men.
I know the ideal world is different from reality. I'm just saying that in a loving marriage with kids, it would be loving, permanent and secure. There would be loyalty too. No one would think about taking advantage of one another and both genders would embrace their differences.
Living together it's actually not very suitable for a woman. We aren't judged for the same things as a man so this means differences in market value. It's really fertility and youth for us and it has been for the longest, way before modern dating even started.
If a woman has been living with her boyfriend for 10 years, she wanted to get married and have kids eventually but he proceeds, the relationship ends in a break-up and she's childless. Now she can't get those wasted years back, her good, fertile years. All those 10 years... just to be string along.. might as well call her an extended friends with benefits. She has a limited time to find a marriage-minded man. She got absolutely nothing but romance and sex from that. Big deal. Any man can give us sex. We already know it's super easy to find a man that just wants sex but no kids. Something so easy to obtained isn't a challenge. Then ironically, some of those men start a new relationship with obviously someone younger than his ex girlfriend and marries her within 2 years or less.
2nd case scenario; same thing (10 years in perpetual cohabitation) but with the difference that she has is pregnant. So now he has it all; maid services, unlimited access to sex, even a child from her but he isn't ever marrying her. Then a break-up happens and even if she does collect child support from him, that still leaves her a single mother from a man she couldn't get commitment from. Her dating pool (and market value) has reduced if she wants to find a suitable man that will marry her. Now she has to worried about not just finding a man that will commit but will play the role of a father figure to that child. So as you can see, those two scenarios aren't the best outcomes for the woman. Staying childless for many years with a boyfriend (if she wants kids) is limiting our window and having a child with a man that doesn't commit is decreasing our value. So that leads to the only conclusion that we would be more suitable not wasting years with just a boyfriend and having kids within a marriage. I'm sure if you had a daughter, your advice would definitely be different than what you speak to other men.
@Vesuvius87 That's a female centric view so it makes sense why you're willing to believe something that isn't accurate. What you're displaying is what's important to you while trying to pretend that a man cares or benifits about these same things. A great example is that I provided you two tangible benifits of why women benifit from leaving with a man. Protection and security. Your response is "living together is not suitable for a woman" w/out providing any evidence why. My point to the original post is because of platforms l8ke GAG and others more men are starting to recognize the incongruency in women, this point is validated by the example that the posters boyfriend hasn't proposed in 3 years. Men are practical and he's probably asked himself why would I want to get married and the poster can only provide emotional, narcissistic intangible responses like you did.
So no one wins in the end. What the OP wants and her views is clearly differently from her boyfriend. I can argue that the boyfriend thinking about his own self, his own (''oh why would I want to get married, I'm happy just being her boyfriend'') interest is just as ecocentric and one-sided too. If the OP agrees with just living together as a childless girlfriend, even though that's not what she wants, that's one-sided. She'll be going by his own agenda. No relationship should ever be one-sided. Both have to want the same thing.
Why would I be happy about being a lifetime girlfriend? I'm practical too; it's either all or nothing. All includes commitment with the full package, emotional, physically, verbally and publically in a municipality in front of my friends and family. All or nothing. If he can't proceed with it I'll just interpret that I'm not trusted and he thinks I'm a golddigger.
This probably has to do with being a latina woman that's been raised with married parents. They didn't live together before marriage so my admiration for family tradition plays a role too. Plus, I always wanted my own wedding and marriage (not this ''commitment ceremony'' trend''.. now that's illogical) since my childhood years.
Even if it's not very beneficial towards him, I would make it easy for him (starting with signing the prenup) and be the loyal wife he deserves. This might sound like a stereotype but if there is something good about us Latina is we can be loyal till the very end, literally till old age.
@Vesuvius87 in my opinion the issue is that all you want to do is argue. In reality what you should be doing is stepping out of your narcissistic beliefs and look at it from the boyfriend's perspective as well.
@Vesuvius87 You say that however you can you provide a benifit to someone w/out understanding what they want?
Do you even realize what a real, true narcissist is like? Wanting to get married and doing everything possible to assure the man I'm not after his money isn't a narcissist. I was with a real legitimate narcissist and it isn't cute at all.
@Vesuvius87 Yes, I've been with hundreds of women, you sound exactly like them. The original premise was a logical response as to why a man may make a the decision he makes. Your response is to provide a ton of examples that benifit you, and validate them w/ nuisanced anecdotal examples. That's as narccistic as it gets.
You've dated hundreds of women and according to you all of them are the same? That's all I needed to know. This sounds like an issue with mental faculties. It's said the one quickest to call out a condition is the actually the one with that condition themselves, yet they don't realize it.
@Vesuvius87 You mean to say according to you. I never said that, however like most women you heard what you wanting and are now pretending as if it's the truth. That behavior certainly doest sound like someone willing to provide a benifit to someone else.
Good luck in life. Meanwhile I'm proceeding with my engagement. Unlike OP, I'm his fiancee after 16 months of knowing each other; under 12 months of dating.
@Vesuvius87 You should probably save that for the girl confused as to why her boyfriend doesn't want to marry her. Not sure why you're bragging to me about being engaged, for starters you're not even married secondly it only proves that you're only able to attract LV men.
Perhaps I got a bit carried away by the new advancement. I don't see my fiance as a low value man. LV men are the deadbeat fathers that impregnant gfs but bailed out and leave the woman with the load. The OP should reevaluate her relationship though. If she's not happy with his stances, she needs to leave.
@Vesuvius87 It doesn't really matter if you see your boyfriend as low or high value, a HV man is a man that is seen as high value by other men of value. Women are narcissistic so by definition if you're w/ a man you're going to claim he's hv because doing otherwise would reflect poorly on you. You're providing the typical poor advice that females provide each other. Sure she could leave him, but finding another man that she admires and respects will be difficult plus even if she does she's going to run into the same problems women have dating out of their league. He's going to have other women, he's not going to marry you etc. Your just providing selfish narcissistic advice, while I'm giving a perspective from the real world
Perhaps, but he may be commitment shy like a lot of lads.
chill. it's only been 3 years. some people have been waiting for like 7.
That’s a long time. Is that you in your picture?
It takes two! Sounds like only one is doing the tango. Trust your gut!
Depends on so many factors... you better know him than us..
I think he is terrified. Not of you, but of a legal, lasting commitment.
Stop being a money sucker well it’s not possible so just be a single
You want it have you asked him how he feels about it
May be at present, he is not willing to marry, so you wait
Don't be selfish , it's not the 1950's anymore hun.
talk. to. him. directly.
Doesn't sound like he is interested in marriage!
Leave him, he is weak
Take an action.
Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
He never wanted marriage. He’s lying to you
You're probably overthinking
You're wasting time.
He is surely not into you! Sadly!
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