Should I believe a Man WHO said he did not want a relationship with me and then changed his mind after 3 weeks?

[Insecure2]

3 weeks ago I asked the guy I like if we could start a relationship where we would meet each other more outside of his work. He's been my dance instructor for over 1.5 year, he's single, we met a few times to go cycling, for a walk and spent New Years EVE together doing this and that. I made IT clear that I don't think about marriage, moving in, etc. I just want to get to know him more and see where IT all goes. After thinking for a week he said 'no' stating that he does not want a relationship right now with anybody not just me, that our schedules do not allign so nothing would actually change and the current state is good for him and if I don't like IT I can move on. I came to the next three meetings and refused his advances. I also stopped messaging him VIA Messenger or sms. During the last lesson we argued a bit. Then I cancelled a lesson because I was sick. I AM currently considering changing my dance instructor. Today, I came back and he said that in a few months, he does not know when, but probably soon, he is going to move out to a different place and is searching for a new job or ways to increase his present salary so if I AM willing to wait we can try dating when he sorts everything out. Is he playing me or should I actually take the gamble and see what happens?

Updates

1 y

I gave the guy a chance. I put on two conditions 1. I will wait to be an official couple, but in the meantime I want to meet more often to get to know each other. 2. I want to wait with physical intimacy until then. He agreed. But then he started avoiding meeting me for two weeks, finally called to invite me for pizza the day before 8th March. In the end he said that he needs sex to maintain his sanity as a Man and I have one last chance to agree. I said 'No'. We 'broke up'.

[Cormac995]

It depends on if you're willing to wait. This doesn't sound like he's not interested on the contrary I think he's actually into you but look at this from his perspective? Think about how busy he is how much he has going on right now just out of the things you listed and I'm sure there are even more things along those lines he might not have even told you yet.

My read on this is he is interested in you, but he has so much going on in his life right now he might be worried the relationship might be doomed to fail or end badly. Juggling, responsibilities gets harder the more you have. From what I can tell based on the context you've given I think he's a decent guy with a lot on his plate right now and he's concerned the relationship might not work as a result.

If you don't want to wait for him to sort it out that's your business but I would add that these are all signs that he's a guy dedicated to his responsibilities that cares about other people's wellbeing. He takes his life seriously and tries to make sure his priorities and life are in order before he gets involved in those things and that shows a lot of maturity and forethought.

The guy might be worth waiting for with what you've said. I mean, a dedicated guy, with a conscience who takes his responsibilities seriously is a pretty good catch in my book. A lot of guys in his position would have tried to go for a quick bang and not given it much thought beyond after but from this it sounds like he's been thinking about this carefully and is indeed attached to you in some capacity. You wouldn't have been on his mind for three weeks later if he wasn't interested.

Also, I understand his frustration because he's probably torn between liking you a lot and feeling like it might not be possible from the sound of this. The fact the dancing lessons were going fine before this shows the dynamic changed once he knew you were interested. In his position I'd be frustrated too. It's hard watching a girl you're attached to dancing or showing off her body when you're trying to keep a respectful distance in these situations. When you like someone you like touching them and being in close proximity and dance instructing often leads to that. It can be really hard not to go for a hug or a kiss sometimes if you're really close in proximity to someone you like.

[Insecure2]

Thank you very much for your answer. IT was probably the most thought provoking one I got on this subject.

[Cormac995]

Sorry to hear about the update. I think you made the right decision. I can understand his perspective, but I also think you made the right choice and both of the rules you proposed were fair. He was probably interested but I think he realized you both want different things from the relationship so he doesn't think it will work.

[Insecure2]

Thank you. I sincerely Hope I made the right choice.

[Finchie40]

Move on from him , when someone really wants to be with someone and likes someone , they don’t make excuses and worry about different work schedules etc. So by him saying he is going to make changes so the both of you can finally date is a load of shit. That’s things you can both figure out together once you are already together. So don’t fall for his nonsense , he basically wants his cake and wants to eat it to. He probably just wants to have sex with you and keep you as an option , while he is more than likely seeing other girls’ as well. Run the other way Girl

[PrincessFiona]

I concur. Never be someone's 2nd best. If you fall in love or want to take things seriously you don't have to wait a year n a half to know that.

[DishLady]

in my opinion, he's not worth it. First of all, you're most likely attracted to him BECAUSE he's physically instructing you and it keyed into something neurological that fired up your "ooh he's hot" sexual center... That's normal.

But he is a dance instructor... this happens to him all the time... watch Dirty Dancing... He's immune to when this happens to him and told you to shove off. He has more important things to worry about like job security.

This NEW claim to wanting to go out with you could be seen two ways: He has a vested interest in keeping you on the hook so you can be his client at the new place... or he is legitimately struggling financially and wasn't ready to invest the time and resources needed to maintain a relationship.

But a dance instructor is never really going to have the sustainable resources to maintain a relationship. So if you're less than 100% in love with this idiot just move on.

[Insecure2]

I do know that while being a dance instructor he Has many situations when a student has fallen for him. He said so himself. I'm also contemplating if he just did that for financial reasons. He did ask me a few times whether I'm considering quitting, and after our argument when I called him to cancel the lesson due to sickness he was a bit strange and I did ask him if he wants me to come or not, he just has to say so. He answered that of course, IT was just a misunderstanding. And now he came up with the proposal. I asked him why he changed his mind and he said that loneliness was kicking in and I seem like a trust-worthy person do we could try when he sorts things out.

[WhitneySnow]

He might be playing you in order to sleep with you. Tell him yes but tell him you want yo take things slow sexually. If he really likes you he’ll be fine with that.

[Insecure2]

Thank you. I appreciate the sincere advice.

[WhitneySnow]

No problem

[Shiprex]

You seem to want something and that you haven't changed you aspirations even though you went through some of the motions of dispensing with the idea.

I think he's probably been mulling it over and the barriers you raised may have tripped him into making a decision about your suggestion to start something gently.

If he's not in a good position to MAKE a proper go of it then he perhaps chose that route to begin with and that it was an opportunity lost for him but since things may be improving he's got a spring in his step and wants to give it a go.

[Insecure2]

I see. That's an unusual look on IT. Thank you very much for your opinion.

[Shiprex]

You're welcome

[Shiprex]

Sorry to hear of the outcome of your action but perhaps he may come around though don't hold your breath.
For men physical intimacy is a sign of commitment that will make or break a relationship. He's testing your boundaries that are there to be challenged and you've come to a conclusion.
Grieve but hold your own if that's your value.

[Insecure2]

I'm also disappointed. I did explain to him my reasons for wanting to wait with being more intimate which had to do with my healths's condition and he seemed to understand. However, our Friday talk was awful. I also think he might not come round this time, because he even suggested I quit my dance classes, which I actually did that same day. All in all thank you for the encouragement.

[Shiprex]

Sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped it would. Sex before commitment is something men value in order to gauge whether it's worth following up and when that's not likely they tend to remove the problem by getting out.
I hope the health issue you have resolves itself, I have a hunch this guy won't disappear but don't wait or pine for him

[Insecure2]

Thank you again.

[Caroline91]

When something is this difficult before you are even in a relationship, that is not a good sign. When things are right, they just flow. It takes both the right person and the right time. When a man is ready and interested in a woman, there is very little that will deter him from seeing her, regularly. Things may change in the future. Who knows? But for now, I would keep my options open.

[Insecure2]

Thank you for the advice.

[bowenw]

I always say if someone is interested they will do whatever they can to be with the person right away. I suggest you move on with your life and if he contacts you at a later date, give it due consideration.

[Insecure2]

Thank you for your suggestion.

[bowenw]

Good for you for not caving into his ridiculous demand for sex.

[Insecure2]

IT was difficult. I Heard a few unpleasant things in the meanwhile from him. Now, I'm still wondering if I was just not enough for him.

[bowenw]

I suspect he’s upset that you didn’t give in and couldn’t be controlled the way he wanted.

[Insecure2]

When I saw him on Friday he actually was. I resigned from my classes just like he suggested and haven't Heard from him since.

[bowenw]

Why did he want you to resign from your classes?

[Insecure2]

That's the part I don't really understand. He just said:'Well, you will probably design from Class now?'. I got upset, because every time something was wrong between US he was asking the same question and always explaining that only people with a hidden motive (only to date the instructor not to dance) would do that. I came to the Class with a different mindset and I haven't resigned up until that moment when I thought that I have had enough of that logic.

[bowenw]

In my opinion you should do what is best for you including taking classes and stop letting him run your life.

[Insecure2]

I Am going to take my classes. However, I found a different dance school and I'm starting New classes next month.

[bowenw]

That is very good. I hope everything works out for you.

[Insecure2]

Thank you for the advice and for the wishes. I really appreciate IT.

[bowenw]

Anytime. 😊

[itsannalee]

People change.
I also used to tell my boyfriend that I don't want a relationship with him, I like him but I don't love him enough. But i changed, and finally I got addicted to him. And told him that i love him after a year since then.

[Insecure2]

I'm happy for the both of you😊

[Baby_girl2003]

Me and my ex started as friends with benefits until he changed his mind and the relationship didn't work out. If they don't want something serious with you from the beggining, like a relationship, even if they do later, it will not work out. This is my opinion. He could have said in the beginning that he has something to sort out, or he could've made time to meet you and sort his things.

[Insecure2]

Frankly, I thought so, too. That's why I asked him out. After he said 'no' I didn't want to hurt too much or become clingy so I started pulling away. Now, he jumped with his proposal, which made IT really confusing.

[Baby_girl2003]

Find another guy. They're plenty of them. And many will be sure from the beggining that they want something serious with you. He is just mad that you don’t give him attention anymore

[overlord337645]

this guy is basicly tellings you he likes you but only if he dosent have to work for it in other words he is indecisive he cannot make up his mind and that is the characteristic of a cheater when they get bored of you they go f*** someone else and then play innocent until your heart breaks and thats when they either turn abusive or you feel bad and give them another chance in short RUN LIKE HELL

[Billlewis]

I probably wouldn’t trust him. He sounds like the typical guy who says he wants a relationship, just to get you to have sex with him.

[Insecure2]

I'm also considering this option. Honestly, I'm not a sex friend type and he probably could find someone better suited for the role. I'm also not easily available for him now. Why bother with me more?

[Billlewis]

It could be anything; has he gone through any big changes or difficulties recently?

[Insecure2]

The only thing I'm aware of is that because of financial reasons he lives with his parents, but he really argues with his father. He said he does not want me to hear IT and it's so bad that he Has to move out in the upcoming months because his father is retiring soon and he cannot live with him under the same roof. That's why he started searching for another job to be to afford renting a bigger flat.

[Billlewis]

Unless you’re really attracted to him, I’d be skeptical about the whole thing, but that’s just me.

[Insecure2]

Thank you very much for the advice.

[Anonymous]

Sure. Sounds like he has stuff going on and wants to wait until he can make you a priority.

[Insecure2]

Thank you for your answer.

[Opinion Owner]

No problem! I hope it works out for the two of you.

[PrincessFiona]

You asked "him" out. That was your first mistake. Never ask a guy out. It makes you seem desperate, needy and sets the scene for a bad relationship. If a guy really likes you, he will ask you out.

[jshm2]

No, don't be stupid. Keep him as an instructor though.

[Anonymous]

You should never trust a man's word until you have a solid reason to do so.

[Gymrat01]

He probably had no “better option” it sounds like you are fallback.

[Iron_Man]

he probably want sex

[Insecure2]

I did take IT into consideration. Truth be told, I AM not the Perfect material for a sex friend and he probably wouldn't have any problems finding someone else. Why bother with me?

[Iron_Man]

He’s probably not for you

[TwoToTooTutu2]

Naw, he's treating you like a backup plan.

[wkhan_87]

You know him well , better than us

[Insecure2]

If I did, I wouldn't be asking this question.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Nope don't get into any relationship with him

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆