Is depression or chronic stress a valid excuse for treating others poorly?

Question

And to define what 'not treating others well' is: No interest in, and little or no time for, the other. Asking no questions about the other's life or how they are doing. Being entirely self-focused. Looking for encouragement and support, but not giving it in return. Not showing appreciation for the other. How unwell is the person with depression/stress?  Answer: Highly stressed/depressed. How long has it been going on?  Answer: Years. I'm only giving two multiple choice options, which I know is limiting, but it's purposeful. I'm trying to distill a complex issue down to brass tacks. Thank you, in advance, for all comments and thoughts on the matter. Feel free to elaborate. I'd love to hear your anecdotal and personal stories of how you felt, from either vantage point, and what you concluded and did about it. P. S. The main reason I left GAG years ago is because GAG sucks ass now, due primarily to management issues being made. I wasn't going to mention it, but it's happening right now, as I am trying to post this question. They have programmed A. I. to take over my title, and is repeatedly changing the wording on it. Fuck off, GAG, and A. I. I will decide what I want to say, and exactly how to say it. My title should be: Is depression or chronic stress a valid reason not to treat others well?

NathanDavis · Accepted Answer

are they valid reasons? NO, they are not... nothing would justify the actions of not treating others well

are they reasons though? yes... they can be one of a few reasons why they might be treating others, not well... but rarely, or never the only one... and that's definitely complicated, and complex as well

from a personal point of view and experience... (as someone who went through depression, social anxiety, stress, OCD, germophobia and other growing pains during my childhood and teen years, not exactly as an adult) I could say that overall... even if I knew something was wrong, even if cared and really didn't want to do wrong, even if I tried not to do a wrong... I still did wrong, because... knowing, being aware, and caring
and not really wanting to do something was not the same as being able to do right, nor stopping myself from doing a wrong... why? because I simply lacked the ability to control my depression, my stress, my anxiety, my other few issues

I lost my ability and control over these situations... and that's probably the worse part of all... because even when you know and care, you're still going to mess it up

is this an excuse though? is it justified? are these valid reasons... no, nope, they're not

but they're still the reasons why those things happened

now, all of these situations by themselves are challenging enough when you lack the ability to manage them, on top of that... there's the feelings and emotions and sensations that they bring you and fill you up with, there's the stress yes, there's anger, there's frustration, there's sadness, there's A LOT OF GUILT, there's resentment... it's just despair

despair... brings you to the next really bad situation, doom... the feeling of loss, because you really start to lose yourself, who you are, who you used to be, who you thought you were... and, it is in this process of losing own self when you might also start losing others... your friends, your family, your romantic relationships if there's one, your social circles (job, school, hobbies, else) and this is often the main reason (understandable but not justified for wrongdoing towards others) for, why you end up lacking the ability to actually care... for others, for everything else

and when I say "the ability to care" I don't mean you lose the care you have, you can still care, you can want, to care... in your heart and soul, your body there's still all the care you had, but in your brain, there is not... the ability to get yourself to care

the brain has rewired itself differently... but why? that's even more complicated and complex, also different for every person, reasons could be many as well

and then, you have others... others around you

personally... positive things, happy things, help and care from others, support... all of these were bad for me because they never worked for me as intended by other people, they would only bring me more guilt, more frustration, more sadness and the anger I had over these situations started to turn into hate... a hate for my situation, a hate for life, (for some it turns into a hate for god, but I was agnostic since ever) and eventually a hate for myself

hating myself... would push me to do wrongs to others so they would stay away or apart, from me... whether or not I had the intention and purpose to do so can be debated, or if it was just some sort of self-preservation, defense mechanism that was developed as they say, either way... I was aware that it wasn't a good thing, but I would end up doing it anyway, and so it became some sort of vicious cycle, because I also hated doing it so

Telekinetic-Potato · Accepted Answer

As someone who battled crippling depression, from their perspective the answer is no. From the perspective of an empathetic outsider, yes.

When you're at a point where your will to live is lowered, your entire body is tethering between trying to figure out a solution to what's making you feel this way and giving up completely on any exertion of energy at all.

To a severely depressed person, you may as well be asking if it's OK to be socially rude while you're drowning in a pool and can't swim.

You're so focused on motivating yourself to do incredibly basic tasks that the almost last thing you're thinking about is someone else's perspective presently in the now moment. You get little blobs of it. But it's very hard to continously focus on that because a lot of depression is being confused or conflicted about your own perspective.

And the self diagnosis in me and other people I've seen (not everyone) becomes so obsessive, so necessary to the only meaning you have left which is figuring out how to live, that it distorts your perception of stuff like that and lowers your bandwidth of being able to pick up on it. It's like your empathy developers tunnel vision where it comes and goes.

PeachyPie93 · Accepted Answer

As someone who has faced major depression.. yes it is.. Literally we are fighting to even stay alive it is not like the person is deliberately being mean to you it's just the problem is totally a self focused thing and its hard to see anything but the darkness. We are basically the living dead.. We have no interest in almost anything even the people around us that we love. We don't even like the things we used to love at that point and don't care about anything. We literally want to be dead.. how do you not understand that? I will never understand people who stay in things that you don't like.. If they make you feel bad leave.. a majorly depressed person can not be there for you like a healthy partner could.. so leave... you aren't doing the person any good anyways if you are sulking and whining they aren't there for you, they are sick lmao.. My ex left me for some other woman I was sad about it but I started to recover because he was the thing bringing me down worse than anything else, once I got away from him and my mom forced me into recovery I realized he was never the person for me because he never understood where I was coming from even when I was a happier person and he was constantly trying to change me. He literally was sucking every little joy out of my life yet not understanding why I wasn't happy even when I told him the problem. If they are treating you bad it is probably because you are not understanding them which most people don't if you never faced real depression. The amount of people who say just do this and this and stop being depressed.. then wonder why the person isn't there for you emotionally or want to be around you, cuz you aren't understanding them at all lol..

MissPiggy2025 · Accepted Answer

Thank god someone finally saying it when I said this online I got told I was ignorant and a bad person.

Too many young people labeling themselves as mentally ill as an excuse for there shitty behaviour and short comings whilst people with serious mental health are being let down due to a crazy waiting

Finchie40 · Answer

It could be a reason , and if that is the case , that person who suffers from it , should go seek therapy and help for their stress and depression as soon as possible , before they continue to bury their reputation with people and continue losing respect from people. My ex suffered from depression and anxiety and mental illness , she would be sweet and loving to me for a bit then all of a sudden she would hate my guts and start criticizing me and belittling me etc. as years went on her depression and anxiety got worse and worse to the point I didn’t know who I was coming home to , to the point I had
To walk away , even though I knew what she was suffering from and tried getting her help as much as possible her negativity and her attitude towards me got worse and worse to the point I couldn’t handle it anymore , her back and fourth emotions started making me feel crazy it was like I was in a relationship with Dr Jeykll Mr Hyde not knowing who I was coming home to , for the longest time I thought I could handle it because underneath her depression and anxiety she was a beautiful person , the girl I fell for , but unfortunately it just got worse and worse through the years and she made my life a living hell , she turned into someone I no longer knew anymore , her negativity eventually overpowered her loving side of her and that’s when I had to throw in the towel and told her she needs serious help.

Friendlybro79 · Answer

I chose that they must maintain relationships and show care for others. In my personal experience if having times I was very down in, maintaining my personal relationships and showing care in others allowed me to smile when I didn't thing I was going to be able to. It helped me laugh to be around people and asking about their lives helped me realize, I'm not alone and others have similar issues and concerns.

I've seen people do the opposite when they're very stressed and depressed and they shut everyone out and many of them never came out of it. Some of those folks were family members so I have seen a long term effect of it. Also, they did not treat others well when they were in your presence. People will give a little slack to someone if you know they're really going through a difficult circumstance or circumstances.

That said, after years of it, people have a right to walk away from you. Family or friend and it's hard to do, but if a person's depression or stress is constantly bringing you down, and they refuse to get help for themselves, it can border being an abusive relationship.

Noone has to put up with that especially if you've tried to be helpful and be there for that person. Everything has its limitations that the person on the receiving end of this bad treatment gets to decide how much they are willing to take.

FreyaRed · Answer

"Is depression or chronic stress a valid excuse for treating others poorly? "

No.
Breaking the quadrature of the circle is probably a solution. People who threat others badly get similar treatment in return and it's in most cases the reason why they are living in such emotional imbalance. However it's mostly paired with slight borderline or bipolar behavior and people affected with this problem aren't patient.
In my cold and clinical observation people who don't need affirmation and appreciation of others are mostly liked while people with high emotional demands aren't.
I'm digressing.
In brief. You don't reward a dog when this dog bites your hand when you give the dog treats.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

As you said, some intense depressions equate survival mode, which implies no room left in their minds for anyone. No room and no incentive perceived either. It's a disconnection from themselves and the others.

It's not really that they should be "excused", it's more that there is a price to pay for anyone living closely to someone undergoing mental illness. It's up to you to decide if you want to pay that price and for how long.

MrChinaski · Answer

Honestly, there's not a right answer to your quiz.

- If your partner is doing what they can to get by and that means sacrificing looking after you then there's a good chance that really is, roughly speaking, the best they have to offer right now. Maybe there environmental changes or therapies or meds that can help them, and maybe not.

- If that's not enough for you then it's not enough. If you vow to stay together through sickness and in health, how much sickness can you bear?

I wouldn't encourage thinking around what is and isn't a 'valid excuse'. The relevant question is what you do or don't want. Nobody can tell you what you should do.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Suffering does not excuse anyone's behaviour towards others. Depression and chronic stress genuinely alter how a person thinks and reacts – but they don't remove accountability. Other people's wellbeing doesn't become less important because you're struggling.

fonduegirl · Answer

Depends on if the stress is coming from a choice they made? Like, for my parents, they didn't plan too far and had children and now they're taking it out on us lol. That's not valid.

But if a person, say a teammate or roommate is being harsh due to something serious, like lethal diseases or rejection letter — I guess it's somewhat justified. They should still see therapy, that's even more valid.

exitseven · Answer

if it was a short term blip like dealing with a job loss or a sudden death it can be excused but for somebody to act like a jerk for years , it is inexcusable.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

So it just sounds like you’re describing symptoms of depression. If you don’t enjoy being treated that way, you’re allowed to leave. But I wouldn’t assume the validity of someone’s actions because all feelings are valid feelings. The word you meant to use is “justified” not valid, and that depends on who you ask but ultimately most would say no, neurological disorders don’t give you a pass for being a bad friend. It just explains why you’re a bad friend.

AngryCarl3 · Answer

To be honest they're probably not even aware that they're treating you badly. Are they getting treatment?

Anonymous · Answer

Bluntly it's shouldn't be an excuse.

It depends upon power, gender, or both at sometimes.
How much power someone holds above you.

If they don't hold any power, you shouldn't care enough.(If you do care then maybe your choice of people aren't good)

Billlewis · Answer

I don't know if it's an excuse, but I'm sure we've all done it. I know I have, and I feel guilty about it, but it happens.

molonski2 · Answer

They just sound completely self obsessed , insular and self centred , no sorry , I do not believe it's an excuse.

Spencer10 · Answer

You cannot give up... you have to try. If the person is trying that usually good enough for me.

Brandi555 · Answer

I don’t think there’s any reason to treat someone poorly unless they treat you poorly. I try and be nice to everyone until they give me a reason not to. Again, I try. lol

MissSunshine2 · Answer

No, although people should make some allowances for people with depression.

Anonymous · Answer

No. You should still treat others with respect, especially those you care about.

Anonymous · Answer

No, it's not, unless they are the ones causing your chronic stress and depression.

Agape93 · Answer

Ignore Msc, he's just a pseudo therapist that has a habit of judgmental declarations and stupidity.

msc545 · Answer

The things you attributed to depression are actually the symptoms of depression. Like do you believe in chastising and denigrating people that are ill then go ahead and do that with someone who's depressed. One day when you get depressed you'll find out what this feels like. Depression is an illness that needs professional treatment. Not something that you know much of anything about really.

thegreenyogi · Answer

No personally I believe it isn't.

dudeinohio · Answer

Depression is no excuse to treat others poorly.

Anonymous · Answer

not all the time

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