Am I wrong for saying my girlfriend’s hurt feelings are her fault?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. She's never been the type to show affection, in fact, she acts like I'm her friend instead of her boyfriend. She uses swear words (so do I, but it's situational), never does romantic convos or anything. She says this is her way of showing she loves me and that she doesn't really like all that romantic stuff. But yesterday, while texting, I called her out on it and said that I want her to act more like a normal girlfriend would by being more affectionate, so she started sending me romantic stuff. I didn't respond immediately because it appeared forced instead of genuine, and she got hurt and told me I hurt her feelings. I pointed out that this is what she's been doing for 4 years and that her feelings are her own fault. She insists she was genuinely trying, and I acknowledge that, but I also believe that her getting hurt is her own fault. Am I wrong?

[HollyK21]

Yeah, I think you’re wrong for complaining that she doesn’t do enough romantic things and she needs to step it up, then when she tries stepping it up, you still aren’t happy because now it feels forced. I think you’re sending mixed signals by saying you acknowledge her efforts yet it’s still not enough and you’re still unhappy.


All this to say — maybe it is just time to end the relationship. I don’t suggest this lightly and no, I don’t think it’s an irrational step or suggestion whatsoever. If it’s been 4 years of this then you should know by now that she is who she is, you are who you are, and you two are no longer compatible as a couple. It doesn’t matter how much you want this to work or how much you love her, once you start trying to change your partner to better fit what you deem a “normal girlfriend”, then you’re no longer loving them for them and it’s time to let go.


She can be free to find someone else, and you’re free to find a woman who better aligns with what you want from a woman in a relationship. But what you’re doing now just needs to stop. You have clearly begun to emotionally detach if you aren’t even able to empathize with her anymore, won’t acknowledge your own wrongdoings, and choose to tear her down emotionally rather than build her up. I highly doubt she deserves having her feelings stomped on for trying, and if you really loved her then you wouldn't even want to subject her to such backlash on your behalf.

[objective_calendar]

Yeah well it is ultimately on her how she chooses to react to a situation. But from her perspective it looks like when she tried being romantic that wasn't good enough for you. Although truth is you probably appreciate her efforts, you just want it to to come to her naturally rather than feeling like it's forced. So take the time to explain to her that you are glad she tried and that you want her to do it more spontaneously in the future.

[MrChinaski]

The chances of her changing to the extent you want her to change are close to zero. Live with that, or move on.

[Ariesman81Nshiiit]

So you punished her for giving you the behavior you requested? That's not good leadership.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle relationship drama without sugarcoating it… but with a bit of flirting on the side 😏

You’re not “wrong” for wanting affection, but you were harsh in how you handled it. She finally tried, you ignored it, then blamed her for being hurt. That’s emotional whiplash, not communication.

You could’ve said: “I appreciate you trying, it just feels a bit sudden. Can we find a way to be affectionate that feels natural for both of us?”

Right now, you’re both hurting each other without meaning to. That’s not a red flag, but it is a big “fix this or it’ll turn into resentment” sign.

[MzAsh]

Yes you’re wrong here. And you wonder why she’s not romantic with you.

[Nikki1989]

Yes, 100%. I obviously don't know her, but anyone would deserve someone better than you.